Warning, contains possibly extreme emotional, graphic, and possibly triggering content.
|They were in the car, on the way to pick him up. Her husky puppy. She had dreamed of him for 20 years and she still couldn't believe it. It was their second anniversary, and her husband had decided that today would be the perfect day.
"Are you sure? Maybe we should wait..." She looked down at her hands in her lap, excited and nervous at the same time.
Her husband Chris kept his eyes on the road. "We have the money now, and later, we might not. I don't know if we'll ever have the money again, but we can do this, because of the stimulus. It's our anniversary. It worked out perfect, you've wanted this dog all of your life. I get to get my wife her dream dog and my dad his dream dog at the same time and the same age, and both of them are so hard to find. If I don't do it now, we might not ever get the chance, and Pops isn't going to be with us much longer. He's wanted Sarge for over 50 years." He was right. At 68 with bad emphasema and an oxegyn tank, her father-in-law's time with them was getting shorter. They would have someone to play with, to grow up with, and if Chris was going to do it for her, he wanted to do it for Pops too. It was right of her husband, and she admired him for his attentive care and kindness. The Old English Bulldog was cute, too.
"God...?" She hesitated, asking.
"It's time. It's the perfect time, you need him, right now, in this moment, but you don't understand that yet, and it's alright, don't worry about it, it's the right time. But remember this. Remember that I tell you this now. You trust ME. I created him for you, I knew that you would be his and he would be yours. I made him for you. Trust your dog. When you need him, look at your dog. When you're afraid, or alone, or hurting, look at your dog! Lean on him, like you do ME. Trust your dog, love him. Remember. You have to remember."
"Alright, Lord." She trusted HIM, and the curiosity of what HE was saying to her, the content of it, settled into the back of her mind as she sat up straighter, looking out the window as the miles to her boy wound down, and there they were.
She got out of the car, pacing while she waited. Almost 20 minutes later, a white car pulled in. The breeder reached into the back and handed her a gift basket, with a blanket and dog treats and toys, and a small ziplock bag of puppy food.
She handed the basket to Chris, and the breeder turned again, to reatrieve the 8 week old ball of black and grey and white fur from her husband, while the puppie's father looked on with watchful eyes. The pup had the same markings, looked exactly like his father, who was now anxiously watching what was happening with his son from the car window, crying and barking with pride, love, joy, and warning all at once. He's a good dad.
She turned to the father dog as she held the puppy up. "You did beautiful. Look at him, he's amazing. I promise, I will love him like you love him, I'll take care of him, you did amazing. You should be proud. You did this, look what you did! He's georgeous."
The father dog's nose rose in the air with a knowing look, and he seemed to accept her as she brought the puppy up for him to kiss. The breeder let the puppy out of the car, who now disregarded her for Chris, whom he barked back and away from his son.
They engaged in small talk, and the breeder held the pup again as they said their goodbyes. She handed the puppy back, and the husky gave an annoyed look at the back and forth waking and settled down into his new mother's arms, his nose in the sleeve of her black trenchcoat, sound asleep.
They got into the car, and started the drive home, and as the pup slept, she prayed. Lord, give him all You are willing to give him, a good heart, compassion, love, courage, wisdom, faith, Your presence, bless him Lord, with all you are willing to bless and all you can think of to bless, and thank you, for this amazing piece of my heart. I can't believe You did this, I know that Chris did it by getting him for our anniversary but I can't believe You did this, he's perfect, please, take care of him, and help me take care of him.
Her heart cried silently with love, and greatfulness. The pup didn't stir.
What, Kallik? Kallik, which meant Lightning in Alaskan native, was now only 9 weeks old. He jumped onto her stomach and curled into her abdomen, but it was strange, protective. He had only been home with them a week, and she was glad to see that he was bonding to her. The other puppy, an Old English Bulldog the same age that they had gotten a week before picking up Kallik, approached, also wanting attention. Kallik growled and snapped, driving him back. Satisfied with the distance, Kallik settled in against her, warily. What is going on with you?, she tought. Huskies really are jealous.
She had a lot to learn, but she had joined tons of husky groups on Facebook. She had time. She smiled to herself. He loved her, and she loved him. Finally, after 20 years of waiting, he was right here, and it was a thought she marveled over every morning as he woke her, wet tongue and soft fur hugs and a minimum of half an hour of cuddles, day in and day out. Sometimes, just walking to the kitchen, she would look down and just stop, stunned and awed at his presence.
She stood at the edge of the bed, leaning on the end of it to support her weight because surely, surely her legs were going to fall out from under her, shaking, feeling. Rage, anxiety, anger, hopelessness, wrath, helplessness, the weight of her home, her family, her lonliness crushing her down, rising up inside her heart, making her whole body shake as she gasped for breath.
Chris looked up from the tv, no doubt waiting for the inevitable screaming that was about to ensure. They had been arguing all day.
"What?" The confusion on his face registered for her. She was trying. Why couldn't she speak?
4 seconds pass
4 more seconds, focused on one word, one word HE spoke into her mind, keeping her together. Breathe.
"Breathe..., easy, slow now, breathe...you're alright, just breathe...." HE repeated it calmly, peacefully.
I am, Lord.
"Focus" HIS voice again. 11 years she had known HIM now, and HIS gentleness grounded her, HIS support holding her together, as HE had so many times before. She had learned how to listen, these years, most of the time.
"Try again, slow and steady, easy now", HE spoke calmly, clearly, slowly. Breeeeaaaatheeee. HE drew it out, and it calmed her. "TALK to him. Focus." Compassionate, strong, commanding, understanding, she felt it all from HIM. Slightly stronger, she started again.
Why so long between words? It's a simple sentance, what is this? I'm having an emotional breakdown...
She heard the pitch of her voice rise, peak, break under the strain of controlling her emotions as she continued on.
Keeping the anger collared down with HIS help.
"to YOU!...I need...YOU...to LISTEN....I need...YOU...to HEAR me..."
Again her voice rose, but she held on, because HE helped her.
"I...am trying...to tell you...what I need...from you...but you're...not...listening."
"I am listening, you're not talking." Chris passed her off, and HE helped her fight the tears and carry on.
"I need you..."
Please Chris, please. Right now, you don't know, you don't know how I need you, more than just to hear me, more than to listen to my words, broken as they are in this moment. Our marriage is crumbling beneath me and I can barely hold on....
"Okay, I'm listening. What? Spit it out." He sits up straighter, his attention off the tv, and his anger began to rise in his voice.
"I am...trying...., to tell you..."
"Yeah, I get it, you want to leave, I heard you, what do you want me to tell you? You want a divorce, fine. No one is keeping you here, you're not being held prisoner. There's the door. I don't want a divorce but I heard you, you want to go. So go." Chris cut her off.
Are you fucking kidding me? Can't you shut your mouth? That's NOT what I'm trying to say!
"Stay calm, talk to him, it's alright, I know, I know sweetheart, talk to him, I'M right here. He doesn't understand, so stay calm, communicate, make him understand." HE held her in HIS voice, in HIS strength again.
"Get me out of here."
"GET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW."
She exploded. "I don't care, I don't care, anywhere, just in the car, drive around, or a hotel, anywhere, anywhere, just get me out of here...I haven't slept in 4 days, I need to sleep!"
"We're not getting a hotel. There's nowhere to go."
"Look, you son of a bitch, you want me to talk to you, I'm talking, I can't get any clearer, I need to be away from this house for a little while, I need out of here, and I want you to come with me, not leave you, I need you to be here for me right now and you are fucking all of this up. Please, can you just do this for me? Can you just be here for me for this one fucking minute."
He reached for his phone. "Okay, pick a hotel." He threw the phone towards her.
"I don't care which one."
He didn't want to do this. They had been fighting for 2 days, and all he wanted was to turn back into the tv and get away from all of this. But, she'd asked him to be there. He didn't know what that meant, what she wanted, but okay, out of here, hotel, anything. "Everything is like $60.00. We don't have the money, and those are going to be shitty. What do you want me to do?"
"I don't care, anywhere quiet, anywhere I can sleep, that's all I want, to sleep, to calm down, to get away from here for a little while, please..."
He must have realized that it was serious, she had never been like this before, and not knowing what to do, trying to do the best he could, he sorted by price, found the most expensive thing he could find, and asked her how long.
"I don't know. I don't know." She blew up on him again. "Can't you handle ANYTHING, ANYTHING yourself, I need you to do that for me for GOD SAKES!"
"3 days. Pack a bag."
"I don't care."
"Well the hotel is booked for 3 days, so whatever you want to take with you..."
"I don't care about the money, I don't care about the stuff!" She screamed at him.
HE stepped in and helped helped her, throwing clothes mechanically more on HIS choice than hers because HE had to do the functioning for her right now.
"Take your trenchcoat", HE said.
She grabbed her purse, waiting for her husband as he stumbed around with the sudden turn of events, still trying to processess what was going on.
In the car, she didn't speak to him, turning her face to the window, at first. She focused on HIM.
"Talk to him. Get what you're feeling out, what you're going through. He can't be there for you if you shut down. You have to try. Do it because I ask you to."
HE loved her, she knew that, and HE was doing the best HE could to love her now, like always.
Everything came out. Everything about their marriage, the things she had felt and said nothing, the things she had said and he had ignored, the anger she had held back, choosing not to fight, and every wrong her husband had done, every failure and how she felt that failure, telling him, for the first time with clear brutal honesty because HE was pushing her, gently, that he had failed her and their marriage and their life, and she couldn't continue this like this, it had to change, what had to happen, what was GOING to happen, or else this was the end and she meant it this time. God, she meant it this time. This was the last chance he would have, and she loved him, she didn't want this. Please, Chris, hear me, she prayed.
"He will. It's alright, he will." HE said it like a fact, and inside she cried, and shook her head, and leaned into Him and hoped with the last bit of love she had left for him.
The whole ride, she had felt on the edge of panic. She waited impatiently as her husband went to the desk to check in. She made a bee line for the side exit, to smoke again. She was chain smoking, she new, she felt God make her aware of it, but right now she felt she had so little. She could not bring her dog with her, but she needed the sleep. They went up to the room.
She lay down on the bed. "I need quiet."
She tried to sleep. She got up, and went to the bathroom, turning on the shower. Maybe that would help calm her. Hot water was one of the things she loved most in the world. And she was cold. Why am I so cold?
She went back to bed. 10 minutes later, she was up again.
"Take your trenchcoat, and wrap it around you, and go to the heater. Like you did in the old days, when you were drifting. When you felt comfortable and at home out there. Remember. Wrap the coat around you, and try laying there, on the hard floor, and try to remember the times when you felt at peace, free, at home out there on that road."
HIS voice again. Calm, steady, logical, and compassionate. She got up, and went to the radiator, facing it, shutting her husband out, probably looking at her strangely now. The Lord knew her well.
"I'm cold," she said, and realized, she said it to make her husband NOT ask her what she was doing, better to just tell him and have him leave her alone. She calmed with the warmth and HIS presence.
Up again, back to the shower, to the hot heat that didn't end. There are benefits to hotels. Thank you, God. Calming down again. Over and over, shower, bed, radiator, smoke, shower, bed, radiator. It became a rythm, a cycle, as HE held her close and comforted her. Eventually, at some point in the night, she slept. Her husband didn't wake her.
The next morning, things were better. He husband was standing at the end of the bed with a small plastic shopping bag. He threw it on the end of the bed.
"I was doing some googling. I don't want you to worry. But your anger, yes, you have reason to be angry, I know. I'm not denying that. I do take it seriously." She remembered the one-sided conversation in the car the night before as he continued. "I googled emotional mood swings extreme. One of the the things that came up was pregnancy. There are two tests in the bag."
She sat there, stunned. Pregnant? God, no.... They had enough problems. There was nowhere for a baby. The house was a wreck, had been a wreck from the first day she'd met her husband. She'd gotten no help from him. 3 years of fighting, of begging, it was why she had finally broken down. Wasn't it? When was my last period? She'd been angry, sure, but he was right, the mood swing last night had been unsual. And what about the coldness? What about the near panic attack? Pregnancy messed with hormones.
Am I pregnant? Her mind raced. If she was, something wasn't right. With both of her sons before, she had eaten something normal, felt immediately sick, and thrown up. That's how she knew. But cold, ice cold bone chills that came off and on, turning to normal temperature and then ice again like women in menopause described hot flashes. That wasn't normal. Not with any pregnancy she knew. Emotional upset, extreme mood swings, the cold... her mind kept charging forward, and she started to sit up and swing her legs over the edge of the bed. Something was wrong. Her legs felt numb. She could feel them, but barely, and it was like there was no life in them. She forced herself to stand up.
I'm almost paralyzed from the waist down! That has never happened before. What the FUCK is going on with me, God? GOD? What's happening to me? Something isn't right, if I am pregnant, something is badly wrong...
HE came to her. "Calm down! It's alright. Trust Me. I've got you. I promise you I've got you. Stay calm. Take the test, but take things one moment at a time. It's going to be alright. I'm right here, I'm right with you every moment, I promise, stay calm, focus. One thing at a time and don't get ahead of ourselves."
She sqared her shoulders, stood up, and walked to the bathroom. They say the first pee of the morning is the best for this kind of thing.
What does that mean? A single blue horizontal line formed in the white strip of the plastic. "I don't understand."
"What do you mean you don't understand. Look at the box." Her husband sat on the hotel bed, calling to her through the closed door.
I don't understand, God.
"Ok. Logic. Look at the box." HE was right. Pointing out the obvious.
She reached for the box. Blah, blah, blah, inconclsive. The word stood out on the white cardboard. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
HIS voice again. "It means inconclusive. Indeterminate. As yet unsurely known." HIS voice was steady.
One step at a time. She felt him remind her. Breathe.
There's another test. I don't have to pee anymore.
"Then wait. Stay calm. No coffee. One step at a time. I'M right here."
Back to the bathroom. She need an answer now.
It had been gnawing at her as she lay there, frustrated with her razor-thin edge of useless legs. She couldn't wait any longer. She'd been filling water bottles left and right, working up to the second test. She got them herself, though her husband would have, except for her pride.
She looked down now, at the white stick in her hands. Two blue lines formed into a cross, and she didn't know what to feel. Didn't know what to think. She was exhausted, mentally, emotionally. She didn't have anything left.
She walked into the bedroom, and told him the news.
He was happy, not as surprised, rambling on about how that explained the outburst, but she was too numb to listen, missing most of what he said and wandering off into her thoughts.
Doesn't he get that just because I blew up like that, it doesn't mean that the content of the blow up was wrong? It's all true, the problems are there. Is he brushing them off, using the pregnancy to blow it all over? She was angry with him again.
"Stay in bed." It was firm, a command, and for once in her life she didn't argue. HE followed it up with eating, and staying hydrated, and limited her to being out of bed only for the shower, or food, or water, or smoke breaks which would be regulated. Her husband and her God hovered around her like mother birds, and she internally watched them with a tired soul. She told her husband, what HE had said about staying in bed, and she watched him happily, gladly, without resentment or huffing or puffing or reluctance, go about taking care of her.
Why start now? Where the fuck have you been for the last 2 years? Suddenly you give a shit? She felt God's dissaproving but understanding gaze, and dropped it, without saying a word to her husband.
"I want a test, at an acutal doctor, not a home pregnancy test, just to double check, to be absolutely sure."
They went to dinner, and the elevator, with walls of glass instead of wood, brought her anxiety back on the way down to the restraunt. She was afraid of heights. She leaned into the door, focused her mind away from the movement, squeezing her eyes shut as she focused on HIM, and it stopped and she stepped out quickly, following her husband as he chose a table.
They ordered the steak at Bordeaux, and she joked that wine was off the table for her while her husband sipped his beer and HE told her that this time, she had to make it well done. Usually, she liked her steaks medium rare, and she started to understand that HE was going to micro manage her, and felt relief. She was TIRED of deciding, of being the responsible one, the caretaker, the serious one, the one with all the answers.
Her legs were better with the short walking, but God made her take it slow, and her husband was more attuned, slowing down his normally long strides for her pace. It was better than it was. The paralysis, as she had come to call it, would last into the third day.
They went to a small convenience store, all her concentration on walking, staying upright, and she looked up at one point and noticed her husband staring, lost, down at the the isle in front of him.
"I don't even know what I want."
"How can you not know what you want?"
"I'm always going to get pop for Skylar, or stuff for you, or stuff for Pops. Think about it. When do I ever stop and get anything for myself? When do I have time to think about myself?"
"You haven't even been out of the house in 3 years. The last date, even for a night, was when you were dating, in your first weeks together. Think about it. See if you can find ONE night that you or him weren't at the house. Name one day you haven't spent in the house or together?"
HE was right. The realization went into the list of shit wrong with our marriage file, and she turned to her husband.
"You don't even know who you are anymore, do you? I've never once in my life imagined that I would ever see anyone not even know what FOOD they like at 40. THIS is what I mean. You are SO wrapped up in Pops, you don't see you, you don't see me, you don't see ANYTHING but your job and that slave driver. I want a marriage counselor. YOU obviously need one, I probably need one, and WE definitely need one. This is a problem, Chris!"
Her husband didn't argue, and she watched his face micro change as his own internal thoughts turned, and the understanding of what their life had turned into started to dawn.
They returned home, and she promptly set about googling marriage therapsts, while re-enforcing to her husband that though she was calmer, and finding a counselor, and hadn't packed her shit but come home, she still meant every word of the conversation in the car about their marriage. They had talked more over the weekend, and she admitted that she had felt a closeness with him over those days, in moments, that she had never felt before in all their time knowing each other, but she wasn't going to just let everything go, now more than ever, because they were running out of time.
The anxiety was gone, replaced with a serious down to business pressure to get their shit straightened out.
9 months. 9 months is all I have, to fix our marriage, to fix our house, to be ready. We have no time, and this pregnancy, there's something wrong. I KNOW IT. It doesn't feel right. So I can't. I can't. I have to stay down and eat right and not stress and the burden, now, here it is, it is coming down on him ready or not, and GOD he just fucking better be ready...
She sat in the doctors office, explaining.
"I had an anxiety attack, and maybe an emotional breakdown. It's not that the problems aren't there, they're there, and valid, but the reaction, the reaction was too severe, abnormal. I've had insomnia. Not sleeping for four days kind of insomnia. When we were at the hotel, my legs were mostly paralyzed for 3 days. We took a pregnancy test. Two of them. The first one was inconclusive. The second one was positive. So now we want to get another one, double checking, but more importantly, I need to know what the fuck is going on because this is NOT my first pregnancy and it is NOT going normally."
Cup, pee, wait. The nurse returned.
"I'm very sorry to tell you this, but you're not pregnant."
She looked at her husband. He looks like a small child, in kidnergarden, who was sitting there by himself not doing anything to anyone, and someone came along and just drop kicked him in the nuts for no damn reason. I started to laugh and squashed it down.
"This isn't making any sense. First home pregnancy test was inconclusive. Second was positive. What about the other symptoms. NOW you come in here and tell me negative. That's three separate tests, with three separate answers. SOMEBODY needs to tell me what in the fuck is going ON with me. Please, double check." She was beyond anoyed, but keeping it professional.
The nurse started to argue.
"PLEASE just double check!"
A few minutes later, the nurse came back into the room.
"Oh my God, I am so sorry, I checked again and you are pregnant. I was looking at the wrong name on the cups. I'm sorry. Congratulations."
Chris let out a sigh of relief. She shook her head. Forget it, whatever else is going on, I'm not going to have dip shit here doing tests. See God, THIS is why YOU are my doctor, not humans.
Can't even read a fucking cup sticker!
The nurse scheduled the appointment for the OB, and we left.
In the car, she turned to her husband. "What the HELL was that? What is going ON, Chris? The mood swing, the panic attack, the chills, the paralysis, inconclusive, positive, negative, ooops I was wrong, read the wrong name, pregnant..."
The marriage counselor didn't go as planned. Of course, we spent most of the time being repremanded for talking over each other or not listening, and the poor guy pretty much became the mediator for one big argument where we simply told HIM instead of each other. He called the same day, telling us that our session had caused him issues with HIS anxiety, and requested we not return.
What exactly are you doing with a therapist's liscence with anxiety problems. Isn't it expected that by the time a couple gets to marriage counseling, there might be some tension and arguing? My eyes narrowed. And THAT'S why You're my therapist, God. Give me a human with a brain and I might work with them. No takers. At this point, what the fuck else can go wrong? This is the most fucked up shit I have ever seen. Okay, not ever, but under the circumstances...I hope you know what you're doing.
"I've got you. Remember. Always."
As she lay there on the doctor's bench, her belly sticky with the cold clear substance chilling in the air, she watched the monitor, trying to make out what part of the screen was her child. Her husband sat in the chair quietly. She seems pretty quiet. She remembered the friendliness of her first ob, though it hurt her to remember Cade. This doctor seemed was cold, and clinical. She felt like a fly on the wall except for the ultrasound running across her skin.
It took longer than normal. That, she knew. She'd carried 2 children before this. After a time, the nurse got up and left. She looked at her husband, and the same confused look crossed his face. Nothing? Why is no one talking to us? Why won't they even look at us?
"The baby has developed normally to 6 weeks, but we couldn't find a heartbeat. That could be normal, the heartbeat could start tomorrow. This is right around the time when a fetus at this age would have its heart start beating, so it could be that we're just a day early. Normally, pregnancies don't even show up on tests until 8 weeks. It could be 2 days, 3 days, or not at all. We can't tell you if it's viable or not just yet. So I want you to come back next week. At this point, we just don't know enough, so we're going to draw some blood and run some tests."
You don't know anything? Viable? You don't know if it's alive, or dead, or going to be ok, or not?
He continued on. "You could miscarry, but I don't want you to worry. Because it's normal at 6 weeks to miss a heartbeat. It doesn't mean anything yet. If you don't miscarry by Monday, we'll see you back in a week. Call if you have any spotting, or bleeding, or cramping, or pain."
She looked down at her abdomen. We'll aren't you unpredictable? Up and down, there and not, and everything is so weird. You have to be a girl, only females change their mind this much. Kaylie? One step at a time...
She prayed for her child, to be healthy and strong and good and loved.
That night, the emotions caught up with her, the confusion. It had been a roller coaster, and everything felt like it was going wrong.
She prayed again. Lord, if there is something wrong with my child, you have to help me. If it is not what is best for this child, for him or her to be born, you MUST do what I cannot. My children are in your hands. They have always been in your hands. This is not a home for a baby. There are so many problems right now. I'm fighting for change, but you MUST do what is right for my child, above all else, you MUST honor my heart in this, and put my child first, beyond my feelings and wants and needs, beyond my husbands, this child is the only thing that matters. If it isn't right, take her to You, where I know all is right, and there is no question. If everything is fine, protect my child, and thank you for this baby. But if it isn't right, honor my heart...I beg you......
She fell asleep with the prayer still in her heart.
Breast pain, cravings, the constant need to pee. No cramps, no blood, no pain, no moodiness, nothing. Her body was silent, revealing nothing. For all her system could tell her, she was pregnant. The symptoms had started not long after miss-the-cup had confirmed the pregnancy. Trust. Monday rolled around.
It was what they called a missed miscarriage. She didn't understand the term, but she understood miscarriage. She was going to lose her daughter. Her heart wept as it gathered is stregth, and HE held her.
She felt pregnant. This wasn't right. This roller coster, not, am, don't know, up, down, black, white, bad symptoms, normal pregnancy, was driving her mad. Now this. If it's a miscarriage, why am I still having all the normal pregnancy symptoms? The doctor explained something about HGC levels in her blood, and how they would last for a while, maybe even after the fetus had passed out of her womb, but the child was gone all the same.
I have to know that my dead daughter is inside me and is going to come out of me while my body tells me she is there and fine the whole time. I can't do this.
There were options. A DNC, which was sure to get everything, but she would have to be put under, like a surgery. But less risk of infection or hemorage. Risk of cervical damage, infertility. She was anxious with surgery.
A natural miscarraige, whatever that meant. The doctor told her it was "like a bad period". Her sister had had bad periods, when they were teenagers. She could handle that. But if everything didn't come out naturally, they would have to do the DNC anyways, which meant back to the surgery option.
I don't want a surgery. I don't trust doctors.
A pill, which would induce the natural miscarriage, not the same as natural, there would be more blood, more risk of hemorage. Her first child had lived, with an induced labor at 8 months. Again, if everything doesn't clear, back to DNC.
She googled. Hemorage. Bleed to death. She shoved the words away. Infection. Cervical damage. Infertility. Period. So many risks. What do I do, what do I do, tell me what to do, God.
"It's your choice. I won't make this one for you." HE was giving her choice, she felt respected, included, honored, but this was not the time.
TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
Some help you are. What about her? If I do the DNC, there will be nothing left. But he said that there wouldn't be anything left anyways, she's smaller than a pea. It doesn't matter, whatever there is, I want to lay her to rest with dignity. If I do it at home, that's the only way. The hospitals don't have to return the remains. It's at their discretion. Their choice, not mine. This is my daughter, my choice. She deserves a burial, something. SOMETHING.
Biological waste. No death cerificate. The words bit at her from the screen.
SHE IS NOT BIOLOGICAL WASTE! Anger screamed in her mind. NATURAL. WE DO THIS AT HOME, ALONE, TOGETHER.
"One step at a time. Breathe. One moment. One step." Together, they rose their heads at the coming storm. HE faced it by her side, in perfect step. She gathered her courage.
She googled more.
The days and the doctors flowed into a single day, as she struggled, back and forth and over and under.
She called the hospital. They could choose to give a death certificate. They could choose not to. There was no guarantee anything would be left, naturally, induced, or surgically.
"We can try to get everything we can, but a child that young, there won't be anything to return."
"Can't you TRY? What about a death certificate?"
"No funeral home would take her for creamation. I'm sorry ma'am"
"IF I find a funeral home that will.."
"We don't give death certificates until 20 weeks. Your child isn't deveolped enough. There are other certificates. We could even release to a funeral home with one IF there is anything recovered, but the chances are so small. And that's IF you can find a funeral home that will handle her. Let me talk to my supervisor."
She could hear the hopelessness in the other womans voice. Too small to creamate. The words whispered in her mind. Biologial waste bag. She never wanted to hear the words again. You want to ziploc my daughter like she never mattered. The anger was returning.
"Yeah." Her voice was weak.
We promise to try to recover everything we can. We can give you a certificate and release the remains with permission for a funeral home. But there probably won't be a funeral home that will take her. If we release the remains, you'd be responsible, after everything with the DNC, for the remains. We'll do everything we can. If you don't miscarry naturally. If you miscarry between now and the DNC, no funeral home will take her anyways without the certificate, and we can't give you one with a natural miscarriage. Do you understand?"
Silence. She was growing tired, weakening. "Thank you."
"I'm sorry, ma'am."
"Thank you for trying. It means everything to me."
Here I am comforting the hospital nurse. Head down, shoulders up. Onward fucking march.
She stared at the screen. Google again. Funeral homes. Which one, God? Help them. Help them recover her. Help me. She sensed HIS heart break.
She was blind, mind numb, to the list before her.
"Tiffany's. If it goes down this way, give her the funeral home with her mother's name."
She called. She explained, drained and hurt and tired. The woman was compassionate.
"I had another woman. Over a decade ago, she called. She had miscarried at home. She wanted to bring her baby in, to have them creamated. There was no paperwork, so I couldn't take the child. The mother screamed at me, hated me for it. I always regretted it. But there are regulations. I think about her. I promise you, whatever the hospital gets, we will lay her to rest with the utmost respect. I'm the owner here, so I promise you personally. I am so sorry. If you need to talk, or cry, or vent, or anything, call me. I'm here. I'll be praying for you."
Tiffany's kindness brought her to tears.
She called the ob's office. More talk about options. The son of a bitch wouldn't schedule the DNC, he just kept pushing her for the natural miscarriage. Safer, safer. Yeah, more like Covid and you don't want to deal with this.
In the back of her mind, something else chewed at her. In a very small percentage of cases, they were wrong. The child was not dead, only late. The chances were impossible. With man it is not possible, but with God all things are possible. What if...
She knew it wasn't true. She understood. But if she found out later, if she somehow found out later that she had sucked her living child out of her body, and killed her daugher, because she didn't double check...
They had been quick, uncommunicative, callous. Maybe careless? If there was a chance...
She had to KNOW.
Her husband called the family doctor. 17 of 500 miscarriages don't actually happen. The chances were less than 3%. But if her child were in that 3%...
She hadn't had the chance to make the appointment. It came to her instead.
Her body had kept going on like nothing had happened, and she ate whatever she felt like, because what if, while she waited for what they said was going to happen.
But now, everything was inside out and upside down. No, not now, this whole thing had been like that. The breast tenderness, the frequent peeing, the food cravings, they had dissapeared over night, replaced by cramping, low grade, like a period. Then, that cramping had reared its ugly head, viscious and clawing, and the period cramps became worse.
EVERYTHING on the internet told her that she should have one or the other. Pregnancy symptoms, OR miscarriage symptoms. But her body had missed the memo. She was now having both pregnancy symptoms and miscarriage symptoms at the same time, switching back and forth at will, and sometimes all at the same time. Her body was not familiar anymore, and there was nothing she could do about it.
Now they were at the ER, back to the ultrasound, and the miscarriage was sure, no more lying body, no more what ifs. The baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks and 1 day.
Had she done this? She remembered the prayer. If it's not right, Lord... What the fuck was I thinking? Had she prayed death for her child? The day of the first ob appointment, the baby had been 6 weeks. She had prayed, that night. The ultrasound at the hospital read 6 weeks and 1 day. Had she prayed death to her child, and God answered that next day?
"What if the child did die the next day? Was she more your child than Mine? You did not pray this into being. It happened because it is what is best, though you do not understand. You asked me to do what is best, put your faith in Me that I would answer that prayer, above your own heart, for your child, and not for you. So what of it now? It is done. Your child is with me, safe, loved, and it is not your end. It is not your child's end. Still your heart. Your reasons for praying what you did were valid, and real, and true. Trust Me."
She knew it was true. It's why she had fought with her husband so hard. The hormones had simply pushed it to the front stage, but they hadn't created the problems. Only uncovered them, more raw and real and exposed. She had fought for years, to fix them. Now, they had cost them their only child together. Can our marriage survive this? If they had LISTENED, before she was here, it wouldn't have had to be this way to do what was right for her... She shut the thought down. This wasn't her fault. It wasn't God's fault. It wasn't Chris's fault. Blame would not bring her child back. It would not right what was wrong. There was work to be done.
There was death to face.
Another appointment. Going over options again. Still no spotting. Pregnancy symptoms had not returned. There was no sign of her body going through the miscarriage on its own, and they were now going into the fourth week after being told that it would happen, at the very limit of risking infection and complications. There was nothing to do but wait.
A week later, the bleeding started, bringing the small pain with it. She took a few motrin, lay blankets out on the bed, and settled in to wait.
"You've got this, here we go, together now." HE was there, waiting with her as the next 3 hours passed in small contractions. He husband waited, watching tv in the bed beside her.
The pain ramped up, increasing its tempo. She sent her husband for the boat tie. It was becoming more like labor. Contractions came every few minutes now, and she understood the television with the women sweating, hair plastered to their faces, bearing down upon the arm beside them.
She had delived both her living sons with epidurals, but now it was her and her God, the motrin did no good anymore. She had faced much in her years. Hour after hour, again and again, waves of this newer, faster pain beat on.
"Fight now, you have to fight, you have to breathe, you can do this, I'm right here..."
She almost broke her husband's arm. He pulled away from her, cursing with the pain that was now his too, telling her she couldn't do this. In between, she just lay there, waiting, her anger mounting like a war call, her pride rising in waves to meet the storm, as it tried to tear her apart.
Persia came, and as she bore down upon their arms when the pain hit, pummeling her, neither man could look at her. He was afraid of this thing he was asked to do, and stood there, keeping her talking between waves, laughing and talking about nothing and everything, while she drove against the two men's hands as the waves came.
More hours passed, waves of contractions, bear down, straining against the wall, to fall back, and conserve her energy for the precious minutes between, over and over, she rose again and again inside, beating back the fury of her nervous system with the fury of her pride.
Stronger they came, now driving her forward, robbing her breath, and she screamed. Kallik, terrified, ran to his bed, burying himself in the blankets, only his nose and eyes peeking out at her.
Again the waves hit, and the men looked away, a look so lost on the faces of man and beast, and she lay there, staring at the terrified puppy, into his eyes, and she saw it there as she felt it in her core. She was going to die tonight. She anchored herself to her boy's eyes, wanting to comfort him, Remember, trust him, I told you in the car, trust your dog, hold on to him and hold on to me now, anchor to him, trust him, look at your dog! over and over repeating the memory in her mind, but she couldn't hide the certainty in her own anymore, and she knew he saw it staring back at him. He looked on, terrified and helpless, and it was goodbye, it was love watching love drift away into the blackness, helpless, and she held on to him, and her God held onto her, as she willed him comfort and peace, and accepted what was coming.
She screamed at HIM inside. "If you're going to fucking do it just do it already, enough of this shit, do it or don't but get it the fuck over with!"
She stared at Kallik. I can't leave you like this!
She wasn't afraid anymore. This wasn't the knowing of death, it wasn't the fear of death, she was beyond that now, beyond everything but the pain, and it was simply the calm fact, accepted with more ease than her heart accepted the heartbeat.
Her husband would lose his child and his wife this night, and he could not take this thing, this terrible thing coming for her. She wept for him, and the waves came tearing down upon her, and there was nothing he could do, but she could see it on his face too, the knowing, and the helplessness.
The force drove her back up, into an arch and over on her side, the tie tearing into her skin, now red and raw and burning. Her whole body strained against the tie, as the pain rocked her to the core like the force of a tornado ripping down upon her but from inside of her.
"BREATHE!" "FOCUS" "BE STRONG NOW! GATHER YOUR STRENGTH, YOUR PRIDE, YOUR HARDSHIP AND COURAGE! STAY WITH ME! EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN, EVERTHING YOU ARE AND WE'VE WALKED AND EVERYTHING I KNOW YOU ARE ALL OF IT RIGHT NOW TO THIS MOMENT."
She screamed, inside and out, reaching, desperate for a purchase as the ripping inside of her increased and the blood flowed freely, warm gushes of it now, how much? Too much., but it didn't matter now. The pain was beyond her mind, beyond understanding, beyond imagining, and only her core was left hanging in HIS words and HIS will.
"Let me go." It wasn't even a thought.
"BREATH! YOU HAVE TO BREATHE! NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, STAY WITH ME. FOCUS. I WILL NOT LET GO! DON'T LET GO, FIGHT, FIGHT WITH ME NOW, FOCUS, BREATHE!"
Her heart struggled to rise, and she screamed as the pain hit her again and again, seconds between waves, until she could take no more and HE drove her on still. There was nothing and HE was everything and EVERYTHING was the red and the roar and the universe exploding inside of her only it never stopped now....
"I won't let you die like this! Hold on, baby just hold on, not much longer now. " She lay there, gasping, broken, poured out and past the bottom, as the waves drove her heart and her life and everything out of her, but still HE held her fast.
"NOT LIKE THIS, NOT THIS DAY! RISE, GET UP, FIGHT FOR ME NOW."
But she was beyond herself, beyond everything, and there was nothing left.
"No, I've got you, this is not how this is going to go!"
And her breathing slowed, and the pain eased, and she lay there, carried in HIM, alive, but she didn't know how, and the pain was gone.
She had to pee. She wasn't sure if she could get up, but HE helped her. She sat, and her child poured out of her, into the water. She heard it and she knew it but she couldn't anymore, and she stood, and looked down, staring, lost now.
"It is only flesh, dust. She is with ME, and there is nothing you can do for her now. You have to take care of you. You must eat, and sleep.
She flushed, mindlessly, and turned away.
Later, she awoke, and she was alive, though she didn't know how. There was no sorrow in the days that followed. Not like her husband felt. HE had carried her, into and through and beyond and past now, most days. When the sorrow came, it came suddenly, and shortly, at unexpected times, and she faced it, and what she had come through, and what HE had done stayed with her. She recognized it, felt it, absorbed it, as HE carried her, past the smaller waves now.
She was alive. That was enough.
Copied directly from my facebook, from the start to the end of this chapter in our lives.
Facebook: March 16th, 2021 Tiffany Dowell
So 5 days ago, there was a lot of things going on in my life that I wasn't talking about, stress, and I was running on fumes. I think maybe we have been for a minute now and just didn't realize it. Out of nowhere I blew up, and, not knowing what else to do about all these things left unsaid, and faced with the difficulties we were having, me and Chris Dowell walked into a Pentecostal church for the first time in years.
For me, it was like watching God move all around me, and Chris was affected similarly.
At some point as the pastor was praying and I felt this strong push, and could hear the Lord telling me, "Your marriage, your husband, your life right now, the enemy, your house with the remodel, who cares what it is, or how much, there's nothing I can't handle. Let it out, you feel like you're losing your marriage, so what? Let it out, yell, take a stand".
Suddenly I'm yelling in the church, this new girl on the floor yelling "this is my home, this is my family, this is my husband you hear me MINE and YOU can't have him." Still not sure what I was yelling at, it felt like I was yelling at everyone and everything in my life and in my home and in my family and in the world and in heaven and earth and everything I had felt and struggled with these last 3 years all at once.
We walk out, I have an anxiety attack. I told Chris get me out of here, I need to sleep. (I had also been suffering total insomnia for 4 days).
Since Kallik came home, there's been a change in me, like a strong, firm, no!, this is unnacceptable, I want better, for us, for him, I just kept thinking I've wanted this dog all my life, it can't stay like this, for him, for his sake. Looking back, he has always looked at me in this way, this calm solid peace this dog, as if to say, "You don't know yet, but I do, I know something you don't, and we'll get there in time, you'll see." So some small part of me kept asking, God, what is that about? That's wierd, it's like...but no, it's just a husky puppy, I'm getting a dog I've wanted 16 years, that's all this is, I'm just over thinking it. And he'd just stare back, like believe what you want, you'll see.
We go to a hotel, and I spend the next day and a half just Chris in the room while I take care of me with God. Next thing I know its like God mounted an invasion, hit my husband upside the back of the head, wake up boy! and turned our whole marriage around. All I started out wanting was the very best for my puppy. We walked in broken down, we're coming home today restored, renewed, with a new marriage, a new us, and a new life in our hearts. Turns out, though, God had a little something else planned too. Not only did He send us home with a new sense of life, togetherness, and direction, MAMA is also carring a tiny new life into this world, official from our family Dr as of today. I never would have known if I hadn't broke down at the end of me over 'wanting more for this dog'.
Kallik put so much love in my heart all I wanted was to give him everything, and it turns out, because of that fire this little furball lit, we are about to take out first steps to a whole new life, figuratively and literally. People say God has a call on all people's lives, but I think He has a plan for all lives, not just human.
We're having a baby.
22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
I told God, thank you, but no more blessings for a minute. Christmas is over.
Kallik is only now turning 8 weeks and been in this home about a week, but the love he carried in with him, turned our lives around. I remeber once God giving me a feeling of lightning in my veins, saying, this is only a small taste of My power, what does it feel like? Feel it, hold it. I said, Lightning? Fitting, that later, we get a dog, and his name is Kallik. Kallik is Alaskan Eskimo for "Lightning". God can use the smallest packages, for the biggest changes.
God had work to do, Kallik, it seems, had work to do, and me and Chris have now found out we have work to do, and had choices to make. If this is just the beginning, God strengthen me for the things you have in store lol.
Facebook: March 16th, Chris Dowell
It's official Tiffany Lynda Dowell , my wife, is pregnant. WE'RE HAVING A BABY!
Facebook: March 18th, 2021 Chris Dowell
April 6th is Tiffany Lynda Dowell first obgyn appointment. We'll get a due date then.
Facebook: March 21st, 2021 Tiffany Dowell
Or baby registry. Still probably havent thought of everything.
Facebook: April 6th, 2021 Tiffany Dowell
So, they drew blood to gather more information. They said they don't know enough at this point to know what is going on, drew blood, going to run tests. We have another ultrasound next week, and at this point we're about 6 weeks into the pregnancy, but they are unsure if its viable, it is developed right for 6 weeks, but no heart beat yet, which could start tomorrow, 2 days, 3, or not at all. They can't tell if its alive, or not, or going to be ok, or not, or will go healthy to term, or miscarry. There's just no telling, and they're watching closely, but no spotting or bleeding is a good sign. I guess we caught this one so early, they can't seem to get a real handle on any of it. He or she remains quite the unpredictable, up and down, enigmatic mystery.
Facebook: April 7th Chris Dowell
So one hell of a day. Went to the ob dr. Tiffany Lynda Dowell is 6 weeks pregnant but the dr couldn't find a heart beat on the ultrasound. He said that they don't know if the pregnancy is viable or not. He said that everything is developing normally and the heart could start beating any day or she could have a miscarriage. They took some blood to run further tests and if she doesn't miscarry by next Monday we have another ultrasound scheduled. So pray for us and our baby.
Facebook: April 12 Chris Dowell
Very sad day. We just found out that Tiffany Lynda Dowell is going to miscarry. We're hurting and really don't know what to think or feel at this point. Keep us in your prayers.
Facebook: April 12, Tiffany Dowell
We have 3 options. 1. We can let the miscarriage happen naturally, but if it all doesn't come out they will have to dnc anyways. 2. Pills that induce miscarriage, also if it all doesn't come out, they will have to dnc anyways. 3. DNC will guarantee no remains are left in my body, but it is at each hospitals discretion to have our daughter creamated. So they would have her put into a bio waste bag and dispose of her as biological waste, with no death certificate because she is 6 weeks (they only give death cdrtificates at 20 weeks). Chris called and asked a hospital. There are hospitals that release other types of certificates that allow creamation. But we don;t have a solid answer, and many people we call, the ob, the hospital we called, no one has an answer for a child so young.
McClaren will do the DNC, and recover as much of ger remains as possible. Tiffany's Funeral Home agrees to creamate whatever remains can be recovered. There are no guarantews that the hospital can recover wnough to give us ashes back, or that there will be enough after the creamation, but McClaren and Tiffanys will try. Even if nothing can be recovered, we know we have done all we can. Chris has found a birthstone pendant with angel wings for November, which would have bewn her birth month. We say her, because me and Chris had both had dreams in our younger years of a little girl, she would not have been at the hormone stage to have become male yet, and everyone was hoping for and praying for a female, many seemed to naturally lean towards female, which we had expected our first child to be. I am thankful to McClaren and Tiffanys for agreening to go through this process so we may know that everyone did all they could, to let her go with dignity.
Facebook: April 14th, 2021 Tiffany Dowell
Now Chris's family doctor is advising we wait to make SURE the obgyn was right, because there is a slim chance our child is not dead. 17 of 500 "miscarriages" don't actually happen. It means a less than 3% chance, but we do have to be sure.
Facebook: April 16th, 2021 Tiffany Dowell with Chris Dowell
Going into the ER. Woke up with wirse cramping / pain than any other day, and whike eating got reeling sick exactly like morning sickness was with both babies before. Breast pain cravings frequent peeing all dissapeared 2 days ago, everything says you should have EITHER miscarriage signs / symptoms, OR pregnancy symptoms. Then 4 symptoms dissapear for pregnancy, 2 days later I'm having symptoms of both at fhe same time...Time to fi d out what fhe hell is going on.
Facebook: April 16th, 2021 Chris Dowell
In the er with Tiffany Lynda Dowell . just had another ultrasound and confirmed that the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks 1 day. She's gonna schedule the d&c and we'll let you know when that is. Thank you everyone for the prayers and support through this hard time.
Facebook: April 16th, 2021 Tiffany Dowell
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. 5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Facebook: April 20th, 2021 Tiffany Dowell
Another appointment to go over everything with the OB again. Still no spotting, bleeding, pregnancy symptoms gone, and no sign of my body going through with the miscarriage on its own going into the 4th week now, which after a while starts risking infection and complication. While waiting, been moving ahead on remodeling / cleaning/redesigning and planning for the house...
Facebook: April 27th, 2021 Tiffany Dowell
Bleeding has started so, I guess it's time. Motrin and wait.
Facebook: April 28th, 2021 Chris Dowell
Tiffany Lynda Dowell started the miscarriage process. She's doing ok so far. Bad cramps and minor bleeding. We'll keep you updated as things progress. Thank you everyone for your prayers and support
Facebook: April 29th, 2021 Chris Dowell
We think that Tiffany Lynda Dowell is on the other side of miscarriage now. She was in massive pain the last 2 days now it's just mild cramping. Now the healing process begins.
Facebook: May 1st, 2021
So it's been 3 days, today I was able to get up, walk to and from the bathroom without pain, got Kallik food and water bowl and made it across the house to let him out. Not ready to get back to walks and playtime yet but, not bad for 3 days.
Facebook: May 3rd, 2021
I THINK I JUST DISCOVERED WHAT CAUSED MY MISCARRIAGE, AND WHAT EXPLAINS WHAT HAPPEND JUST BEFORE IT, AND WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AND MY DAUGHTER, AND WHY i FELT SO MUCH BETTER ON THE PRENATALS.
Just before I found out I was pregnant, I had what felt like a panic attack but never reached a full blown panic attack and what I thought at the time was an emotional stress induced breakdown pretty much, on Chris, and almost ended our marriage. Maybe it was a panic attack but it was definatealy pretty extreme. I remember standing in our bedroom unable to breathe, panting, heart racing, etc saying get me OUT of here RIGHT now. He asked me ok, where. I told him anywhere but here. He immediately booked a hotel, also assuming it was stress, panic attack etc. While at the hotel I alternated between normal body temperature feeling, and icy cold chills that set on suddenly, at random. I would go into a hot shower bath combo to calm down, then back out, curling up at the heater. This, calmed my stress and anxiety, but also of course makes you sweat, ergo, leaking potassium.
The STRANGE part was spending a day or two, I dont remember, very close to paralyzed from the waist down. Chris, realizing his wife was having a mental breakdown and googling causes of mood swings and such things, trying to save his marriage which I was on the verge of destroying ALSO thinking that this home/family stress had now led to this, sees pregnancy as the #1 cause of mood swings. He says I think I know what's going on but hold on.
He came back a little while later with 2 at home pregnancy tests. First pee, inconclusive. Second pee, positive. What does that mean? Inconclusive then positive? We decided to go ahead and confirm with an at doctor office visit before we told anyone. Meanwhile, we're both going that explains a lot, NOT saying we dont have problems in life that need to be solved but, it was not normal for those problems to lead to something that severe.
Very shortly after, I felt paralyzed from the waist down. I couldn't stand, my legs were too weak, I couldn't walk. Being a moody bitch, I spent some time in bed, went fuck this, and made myself walk around, hoping that it was just poor circulation and I could walk it off. It came and went, intermittently, but I still wanted to stay at the hotel for the 3 days for my mental and emotional health. However, as I'm laying there, I keep thinking, and saying, something isn't right, if it's pregnancy, pregnancy doesn't cause you to be paralyzed. Something is wrong, something is wrong. It doesn't add up, and if it does, something is very wrong with the baby.
He calls for an OB appointment. Pee test, they come back, I'm sorry, you're not pregnant.
Wait lady, 3 pregnancy tests, 3 different results in 2-3 days? That doesn't add up. I am a woman that HATES shit not adding up. I asked her ok, here is what else has been going on. Do you know what can cause that? No.
I said alright, then please go double check for me.
She comes BACK in the room, Chris looking like he had just been gutted, and said OMG I am so sorry I was looking at the wrong urine sample, you ARE pregnant, definately. Congrats.
Well, that explains alot. But in the back of my mind, it doesn't explain the paralysis and chills. That keeps coming back into my mind. Thoughout the pregnancy, the miscarriage, I can't shake this thought.
2 weeks after the first appointment, the baby went from 6 weeks to 6 weeks 1 day. We think for a moment back and forth could they have the age wrong due to a mistake in the last period. That still doesn't explain the growth rate, and it also doesn't explain why the doctors were acting so strangely, so like they were avoiding things, we BOTH felt like they felt like somthing was wrong, and weren't saying. MAYBE it is because they had no idea what it was.
I am a tenacious woman when faced with an unresolved issue or an I don't know.
At the second OB, they explain I will probably miscarry.
We deal with the shock, and wait.
I miscarry at home.
Still plagued by why did this happen, still in the back of my mind, after processing the physical pain and emotional and the damage to my family, chews the chills and the paralysis, and the whisper of something missed, There is something I'm NOT seeing here. I can feel it when this happens, it plagues me.
I join a miscarraige support group here on facebook. I start talking. But AS I start talking, I realize, I'm realizing much of what I went through is normal, and my reactions are normal, however, I'm clearer, my thoughts are more organized, in a line, lining up and connecting, than they were. I continue. This process of course leads to more "processing".
I come back, in anger, looking for why I am angry. I lost my child. Is that all? Self examine. No. I don't understand what is going on in my body, it feels like mars, and my family is hurt, and I don't understand what has happened, and I accept the loss as a normal anger, the family hurt as a normal anger, but I DO NOT accept this nagging crack of missing information. It is not in my nature. I do what comes natural, ask questions, and dig.
I google paralyis chills miscarriage.
The first link I look at is this.
Hypokalemic myopathy may range from numbness/weakness to complete paralysis. ... acute onset of pain, numbness and weakness of both legs which worsened...Pregnancy was continued till 37 weeks with oral potassium supplements, antihypertensives and regular monitoring of serum potassium levels. The pregnancy was terminated after 37 weeks in view of gestational hypertension....Hypokalemic paralysis during pregnancy has a rare occurrence. It manifests as acute muscular weakness associated with low potassium levels. Any pregnancy associated with paralysis is a high-risk pregnancy, and must be treated as such. If a woman is experiencing significant weakness or attacks of paralysis the associated cardiac, respiratory and muscular problems may well pose risks, and such a patient will require careful monitoring and informed care. A thorough cardiac evaluation is essential. The medical team must be prepared to appropriately handle an episode of weakness or paralysis, if one develops during labor and delivery....paralysis to the point of heart failure due to paraliysis of lungs and cardiovascular muscles....
I google low potassium symptoms
When should I call the doctor?
You should call your healthcare provider if you experience:
Extreme muscle weakness or fatigue.
Severe abdominal pain, vomiting or diarrhea.
Weak pulse, chest pain or signs of a heart attack.
I find this
Muscle cramps or twitching
Arrhythmia (abnormal heart rhythms)
Putting it together
- The "paralysis" - weakness, fatigue, muscle spasms, tingling, numbness, stiffness, twitching = the unexplained paralysis
-The "breakdown" - Mood changes, breathing difficulties which resemble the "i cant breathe" of a panic attack, heart palpatations which also mimic panic attack, arythmia, mimics panic attack, chest pain, present in panick attacks, signs of a heart attack......
It hits too many places to be wrong. I think my potassium went crazy, which is actually a sign of many very serious underlying conditions which I am NOT going to dig on right now, but even just with the 2 kalemics, they can be life threatening. The things that can cause it, I didn't spend much time looking because those are also, if not treated, potentially life threatening. Which one is it? I have no idea and I don't even want to guess.
But both of these, cause miscarraige.
I lost my daughter.
I miscarried my daughter within a week of finding out I was pregnant.
I can't stand questions, things left unanswered.
I am having my potassium checked, and bringing all of this up to my doctor.
This may have killed my daughter. If I find out that I'm dead on, my daughter may have saved my life. But it hits too may spots to easy, 7/8, 3/5 and 6/9? Those are all better than 50%.
I don't know if getting pregnant tanked my levels which almost killed me and did kill her, and now I have a clue because of this happening, which might save my life, and God did this because He had to choose me or her, and I don't know if there is a pre existing condition that caused the potassium shift which then caused both our lives at risk and she was too small to cope and didn't make it, But I do want to know. Because if the pregnancy caused this, things may be back to normal for me. But if something else caused this, and whatever that is led to dominoes that cost me my pregnancy, I need to know. I have another son that still needs his mother.
Author's note: As I wrote this, I struggled greatly. Not anxiety, but the stress is real. I felt the pain brush its butterfly soft fingers into my heart, and over and over, I found myself sighing heavily, blowing air through my lips, huffing, trying to turn away as I hear HIS voice tell me "It's OK, do this, while the memory is still there. You'll look back if you don't, and regret. I know it's hard, I know it hurts." I've felt HIS heart weep with mine, and this is probably the hardest piece of writing I have ever done in my life, with HIS ever steady hand upon a "spritual shoulder" pushing me softly forward. This story is true, every word of it. It is HIS story, my story, my husband's story, our daughters story, Kallik's story. It is unaltered, maybe rushed in places, but to the best of my ability, unfiltered, my experience as I experienced it, memory of moments un-watered down, and difficult to tell. No names have been changed. We never named our daughter. I can't be sure that she was a daughter, not scientifically, but in my heart I feel like she was. Maybe, one day, after this life is passed, God will laugh and cry as I meet my 3rd son. I don't know. I know it is our story, of that time. The Facebook posts added to the end are directly copies from my timeline there, in order of date, everything that is in written document of the time period, from start to finish, unedited. My life is back to normal, and God is moving us forward in other directions, much of that forward now focused on the underlying issues of our home being cleaned and repaired and remodeled to make it my own, which my husband is more supportive of than he was before the incident with the hotel and everything that tried to destroy our marriage in the weeks coming after. I am sorry for any sorrow that it has left in my reader's hearts, while I acknowledge the reality of the sorrow that it is, and this too shall pass. Until then, may God keep you, reader, and me and my family and home, as he is so apt and skilled to do.