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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2273149-All-Grown-Up-to-Die-Comedy-Stand-Up
Rated: 13+ · Monologue · Comedy · #2273149
We're all born, and we all die. What we do in between, that's where it gets funny.
Thank you everyone for the click, for the view, and welcome to this special.

I am reaching out to touch you, the reader. With a psyche evaluation or restraining to hold me back.

Answer me this, how are you doing?

Is that right, huh?

Now, stop holding it back, how are you really doing?

Let it pour out folks, and be honest with yourself for a change. It's alright here, life is getting crazier out there (if that were even possible).

Life has become a tough gig for all of us. Everything seems a joke these days but not enough people can laugh in spite of it.

A lot of tilted heads looking up at those gas price signs. It's like they're gunning for a new high score, isn't it?

Hostility sparking up across the globe, and none of these world leaders are willing to settle disputes over a drink at the bar or a game of pool.

Things don't make a lot of sense but that doesn't stop certain interests making a whole lot of cents.

Aha, see what I did there? Don't worry, puns are a part of the ticket admission.

Times are tough. no doubt about that.

The truth is, this experience we all share started that way. Tough.

When's the last time you entered a room of people and got slapped to check you were breathing?

The day you were born, that's when.

Your tiny infant brain is confused beyond belief, everything around you is out of comprehension and driven out there by a woman's screams.

What kind of an introduction is that, eh?

Kept in darkness, surrounded by warmth, and hook up to food through a tube. To get thrown out there into this mess of a world.

When you arrive, there you come out. Naked, all on display, covered head to toe in crap. And there you are, center stage, the cause of so much commotion.

You know, thinking about it now, it's hard for me to mingle with strangers at a dinner party.

How'd you suppose my nervous system handled the ordeal of being born?

Not bloody well!

It's probably the reason we make sure that get forgotten about such events in our lives.

Then of course we get older and learn new things at such a fast rate. Children are incredible.

We may start life pretty helpless but oh boy the other species get outpaced quickly.

Anyone who knows me will vouch for my rather dark humor, trust me, you've seen nothing yet.

It turns out, that my youngest nephew on his own admission has garnered wisdom beyond his years.

Get this for excelling at your schoolwork. My nephew is five, and the teacher asked him to draw a picture of what his future looks like.

If you asked me to guess an outcome, I'd have guessed perhaps an architect, something to do with the building. He loves building things.

Here's where the expectation I have, an architect, which is likely what the teacher had in mind; here's it crashing into reality.

What is that reality? Well, I am shown a piece of paper with a tombstone.

Not any tombstone, oh no, no. It's his alright. Looks a classy one too.

Right, I'm sure you can agree that it doesn't take a genius to see where this child's mind is leading to.

The teacher, on the other hand, perhaps clinging to the hope of a positive revelation has to pose this child a question.

"Why did you draw this?" she asks.

"Because I'm going to die in the future, we all are." was his angelic response.

He delivered that in a calm and collected manner.

I mean, how freaking cool is that?!

As his uncle, I am so, so proud.

A happy-go-lucky lad who doesn't fear death at all, it's just accepted in his mind.

To anyone who finds that odd, you're likely an adult and haven't received the kind of awakening he has in the five short years he's been around.

Kids his age are awesome. It's when they really begin to dream about the future.

How adorable is that?

I remember children in my grade school wanted to become rock stars, astronauts, big investment bankers and action heros.

My dream? To become a published author.

I'm pleased to report, that out of my school; not one, not two, not three but...none of us have made them come true.

Ha-ha! Isn't life grand?!

"You couldn't possibly know that", is that what you're thinking, is it?

Allow me to explain that I grew up in a close-knit town. So close-knit that if the loner kid in the corner had his auntie's ex-husband's lover's brother's best friend's cousin's babysitter (twice removed) over for dinner, and she farted at the table yesterday, I would have known before waking up this morning. Ok?

Dare I see before the strike of midnight.

The town we grew up in had an average age of 'ancient'.

For out-of-towners, it was considered to be a living museum.

Never have I known a place to have so many charity stores and cafes. A place so boring, that not even death wanted to visit often enough.

Death likely pulled up each occasion on a jet-black horse from the underworld and thought: "well, this hasn't got any less grim. Better take just the one, let them know I'm still around I guess...don't want them asking after me...".

Between that and school, well, we kids were just dandy.

But these elderly people floating around on their mobility scooters, cheating death were once us. It feels self-explanatory and evidence, yet when you break it down, does it really hit home.

After all the years of education, going through puberty, working for a living, building a relationship, and raising a family. After all the struggling, self-evaluation, and nights worrying sick with doubt over my life choices.After all that I get to become the guy who soils his pants in the general store while mumbling a song different from the one that everyone else can hear on the radio speakers?

Do I get to become the incoherent rambler that craves a bacon sandwich? Hoping someone can decipher my gibberish to make me one, but will likely die before that happens, in the condition I'm in.

I started thinking this way. It kind of grips your soul, you know?

All that effort, promise, potential to turn into, well, that.

Crapping my baby diapers and later down the line, crapping my adult ones.

Not being able to hold my bottle of milk and needing a parent, then not being able to feed myself at all and being a grandparent.

I'd stare longingly out in the distance. Zoning out over these thoughts.

Acknowledging that the end is coming, no matter what.

What's at the end of the line will be the present day.

It's intense.

It's overwhelming.

It's soul-rattling.

And it's absolutely freaking hilarious! Ha!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, It's my life's mission to grow old disgracefully, and you can too.

In fact, when I am a grandparent, I'll tell my grandkids' World War One stories, making out I was in the trenches. Just to make sure they're learning history correctly.

I'll go far as to make out I grew up in the most heinous conditions ever conceived in the human imagination. I'll say I worked night & day down a mine and vacationed by working on a farm surrounded by venomous and predatory animals. That I earned a fragment of a penny as an annual salary.

The number of give a damns in my system about how I come across will vanish at that age. Just like me down the line, they'll be dead, buried, kapoot, done. Those grandkids of mine in the future are going to get the rawest version of me that anyone has experienced, ever.

Why would I do such a thing?

it's funny, that's why and that's what life has always been about.

Forget the gas prices, forget the investment portfolio, forget about the bad news.

We live in a world where everything has to be taken so seriously. And taking away our humor people who don't give a crap about us to make life harder for everyone.

But I say let them try. Because laughter pouring out of the heart and mind is fuel for an unbreakable spirit.

I'll happily limp my way to the dream of being a published author and writing bad comedy.

When the end is nye and I'm taken to the pearly gates of heaven, standing before none other than St. Peter. I'll say with a clear conscience unto him "Let the lord know I saw the humor down there and it was divine."

I hope you enjoyed this piece!

Thank you for your time, it's been a pleasure to entertain you!

D-Angel222

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