The Garbage Pail Grimoire

Nate the Nauseator, Ryan the Rotten, and Lopez the Loogie have an adventure

In the grimy, neon-lit corner of Stinksville, where the air smelled like sour milk and old gym socks, stood the Dusty Tome Bookstore, a creaky haven for weirdos and misfits. The Garbage Pail Kids—Nate the Nauseator, Ryan the Rotten, and Lopez the Loogie—slunk inside, their sneakers leaving sticky trails on the warped wooden floor.


Nate, his face a patchwork of oozing pimples, clutched a dog-eared comic book he’d swiped from the discount bin. “Yo, this place reeks of moldy dreams,” he wheezed, popping a zit that splattered green goo onto a nearby shelf. He was on a mission to find the fabled Garbage Pail Grimoire, a book rumored to grant gross wishes to whoever could stomach its pages.


Ryan, whose breath could wilt a cactus, was rummaging through a pile of romance novels, cackling as he tore out pages and folded them into spit-soaked paper airplanes. “Bet I can make one of these sappy stories end with a fart plague,” he sneered, launching a soggy plane that smacked a dusty chandelier, sending it swinging. Ryan didn’t care about the Grimoire; he just wanted chaos and a snack—preferably something crawling.


Lopez, the group’s slimiest schemer, was hacking up neon-green loogies and flicking them at a display of self-help books. “Improve this, losers!” he snorted, his latest glob landing on a cover titled You Are Enough. Lopez had heard the Grimoire was hidden in the bookstore’s forbidden back room, guarded by a librarian so crusty she made their gang look hygienic. He had a plan: distract, disgust, and nab the book.


The trio’s antics drew the ire of Miss Gizzard, the librarian, whose face resembled a prune left in a microwave too long. “You vile little vermin!” she croaked, brandishing a yardstick like a sword. “Get out before I turn you into bookmarks!” Nate, undeterred, belched a cloud of rancid burrito fumes, making Miss Gizzard gag and stumble. Ryan seized the moment, tossing a moldy cheese puff he’d found in his pocket, which exploded into a cloud of orange dust. Lopez, ever the opportunist, slipped behind the counter, spitting a loogie to short-circuit the ancient security system guarding the back room.


Inside the forbidden room, the air was thick with the stench of forgotten paperbacks and regret. There it was—the Garbage Pail Grimoire, its cover pulsating with a sickly glow, like a radioactive booger. Lopez reached for it, but the book snapped open, unleashing a gust of fart-scented wind that knocked him back. “You ain’t worthy, snotrocket!” the book growled, its pages flipping to reveal a challenge: “Survive the Trial of Grossness, or be doomed to smell like lavender forever!”


Nate and Ryan barged in, drawn by the commotion. The trial began as the room transformed into a swamp of bubbling sludge. First, Nate had to chug a mug of expired yogurt sludge—his kind of party. He slurped it down, grinning as chunks dribbled down his chin. Ryan faced a pile of wriggling cockroach kabobs; he munched them like popcorn, burping a symphony that echoed off the walls. Lopez, though, hesitated at his challenge: a kiss from Miss Gizzard, who’d appeared, her lips puckered like a dehydrated lemon.


“Hard pass!” Lopez yelped, but Nate and Ryan shoved him forward, cackling. The smooch was so vile it made Lopez’s loogies turn purple, but the Grimoire, impressed by their collective nastiness, relented. “Fine, you’re gross enough,” it sighed, granting them one wish.


Nate wished for an endless supply of zit-popping videos, Ryan demanded a fart-powered skateboard, and Lopez, still gagging, mumbled for a lifetime supply of mouthwash. The Grimoire groaned, “Lame, but whatever,” and poofed their wishes into reality before vanishing in a puff of skunk spray.


As the bookstore returned to normal, Miss Gizzard chased them out, swinging her yardstick. The trio bolted, laughing, their new treasures in tow. The Dusty Tome Bookstore stood quiet once more, but the legend of the Garbage Pail Kids’ grossest heist would fester in Stinksville forever.