My Mental Health

Lately, it's been so bad

Lately, things have been so hard.
I fell into the loop I told myself not to
Hiding in my room
Listening to music
Locking myself in the bathroom
I worry
Overthink
Cry
I don’t know what to do
I get all A’s
But no congratulation helps
I’m at a constant pull
Even with a 4.0 GPA
Lighters
Scissors
Pins
Pricks
I try to go out
Go to the gym
But it just turns into a battle of weight
My friends are skinnier
Prettier
While I’m here with green hair and acne
I’m a little chubby
Hiding behind hoodies
My friends date
Even the bigger ones
So it has to be me
My hair?
My size?
My looks?
Am I weird?
Do normal people write?
Do normal people ask ChatGPT what to wear
Instead of her friends
Because her friends must be
Too busy for her
With volleyball
Eachother
Everything in between
I wonder how it feels to eat candy
And not worry about the calories
I wonder how it feels
To drink regular Coke
Or sugary redbulls
Instead of Diet Coke
And sugar-free redbulls
I tell myself it's healthy
But then I look in the mirror
And criticize some more
Lost fifteen pounds in the summer
Gained them all back
plus more
I go to the gym twice a week now
Nothing
Nothing ever happens
If anything
I gain more
My crush made a comment
First
About my height
Told him I was 7’2
A lie
A joke
He laughed
I laughed
Then asked me about my weight
I went quiet
He laughed it on
My friend laughed to
I feel dizzy
Pathetic
Unlikable
Stupid
I try not to down-talk myself
But I cry every night
In the morning
I pretend everything is fine
Like
Even though I didn’t wash my face
All my makeup is gone
Like I pretend that
Even though it’s
Ninety degrees out
I’m cold
And I need to wear long sleeves
I wonder if people see
Friends
Teachers
Crushes
Strangers
I wonder when I accidentally
Pull up my sleeve
They see before I pull it back down
Friends are goofy
Not worried
Teachers are kinder
But not worried
My crush probably doesn’t care
Or is too shy to say something
I don’t know what to do
I feel so stupid
Like, I can’t tell my mom
Or my school counselor
Otherwise, she’ll tell my mom
And my mom will sit me down and ask me why
When I don't know why
Because she lets me go out
To the gym
To get my nails done
She lets me dye my hair
And wear make-up
It’s not her, but she’ll think it is
And then if I tell her
I won't be able to go to the gym
I’ll be worrying about weight more than I already am
I’ll be crying twice as much
Youth group will be over
My gym runs will be over
No sleepovers
No hiding in my room
Bathroom
Outside
Inside
Even when I just need a time to recollect myself
Or paint
Or write
Or listen to music
So what do I do if I can’t talk
Can’t cope
Worry too much
Overthink all the time
Stress about swim meets
Stress about everything
What do I do when I can’t take it anymore..?