UNWRITTEN

Hey guys! Let me know how it is

No i don’t wish to share everything with you. Don’t want your curious presence seeping deep into my past. I want to be able to lie to you comfortably, want you to believe whatever lie i feed and not be interested enough to question me further. Why can’t you be like those people who make it so easy to lie .Who don’t stir up any emotions when i am discussing my past. I can just say whatever i want and they don’t care enough to question me. U why do have to ask me if i’ve got friends back home and when i say yes why do u ask if i’m close to them. What’s it to you if i’m not and i say yes. Why do u have to ask me which ones i’m close to.
Please let me create this fake version of myself and feed it to you. This is all i’ve got.
Please don’t take this away from me. Life wasn’t easy on me but i shouldn’t be expected to dwell on every painful bit and present it to you like a new flavour only to see you chew on my every memory as if ur fascinated by it. I know its out of havit more than concern. “I want to get to know u better” ,u say. What if i don’t want you to know everything about me, see me in my most vulnerable state. I should have the right to not spell out everything to you. I’m fearful that i’ll crumble under the weight of your judging eyes if you get to know me fully.
I would feel so small of i told you everything, my presence, my value reduced to nothing. U’ll realise i’m not actually as i seem or worse that i’m exactly as i seem. This unlovable, unnoticed, uninteresting creature whose presence is too small to be given notice. I’m scared you’ll leave me at my most vulnerable moment after you realise just how much of my life has just been waiting for something to happen. How life has steered me and my decisions rather than me steering life the way i wanted it to. I never considered my opinions to be important enough to be dwelled upon so WHY DO YOU CARE?
Sometimes i think you can see me for exactly as i am and take pity on me. That you feel bad for me. I don’t want to be seen as a weak person, a hollow person, as someone who doesn’t value their own opinion. I want to be able to see myself through your eyes, if i’m a weakling who you believe you can fix.
I want to tell you that i’m not a weak person. I want to tell you that i’ve made it through so much on my own, that i can still do it.
I want my stories to symbolise my strength more than my weaknesses.
And as i unravel myself a bit more to you, i wish to feel stronger, want my story to be one of my victory. But as much as i try, i only feel more and more vulnerable and this vulnerability does nothing but stirs up pity in your eyes. I hate the version of me that i’ve created in your eyes- one which is closest to who i truly am.