I Picked Him Up Today.....

Grief, loss, and laughter

I picked him up today. I didn't think it'd be a big deal. Driving there, stopping at all the lights, going with the flow of traffic. Going past his old apartment. All this was more "gosh this is sad" then it was heart-rending. Until I pulled in. I couldn't go inside. Didn't want to see the small tchotchkes. Didn't want to see the cards. and absolutely didn't want him in my car. Not because I didn't want to be around him...but because I did.

I did what I had to do. Went inside. The lady at the front desk asked me for my ID. Confused, I asked her why. So that the right person goes home with you, she said. Duh, that makes sense. I signed some papers. Collected his belongings. A kind gentleman helped him to my car, where I buckled him into the front seat. No sense in riding in the back, right? I couldn't see out my window because of the tears streaming down my face. My kid had said, go through a drive-thru, since he's coming home with you. You know what?? THAT is an excellent idea. I got a coke and some fries .Man, he loved his coke! And fries, well he loved potatoes and he could eat fries. What a perfect solution. I managed to hold off the tears till I got home....cuz duh, its damn hard to drive when you're crying!

Got him home and settled into the spare room. Looking around, I thought again how we'd have to make it usable for someone. Oh, but that was a problem for another day. I went to my computer and sat down....and my heart cracked open.

I sobbed for our dads, for what they had lost....but smiled because of what they had gained. I thought of their kids and grands, and how proud they both were of them. I enjoyed a moment of petty evilness, as I realized I wouldn't have to go to the Walgreens again where everyone was dumber than a box of hammers. (and giggled madly at that thought!) I laughed as I remembered the stubbornness of both of them....one Irish and one German, shaking their fists at those they loved most. I chortled as I thought of all their antics over the years. But mostly, I got the warm and fuzzies, realizing just how much they loved me....and my man....and my kid. How very special we are to them. How much we mean to them. Still. Always.

I sobbed for what we had all lost, all of their families and friends, now and twenty years prior. I smiled through tears, knowing that they were together, raisin; hell with everyone else (and quite possibly instigating much of it!).

I picked him up today. And it wasn't as bad as I thought.