then versus now

A story of how my father has made me.

Then v. Now
When I was little, it was me and my dad versus the world. As I have gotten older, I now see how flawed that mindset is. The world changes and so do relationships. There is a theory on social media about fathers treating their daughters differently after puberty. Which could not be truer.
My entire life my father has been a drinker; the amount has gone up and down over time. Along with that, he was a drug user when I was younger. Of course, as a 6-year-old I did not know, nor did I care. In my pre-teen years, I noticed it, and the fact that it was a bad habit. I cried, begged, and pleaded with him to stop drinking for me, that is never going to happen and never was, I see that now, but a girl can pray.
As a single father my dad has dated women, bringing them in and out of my life. My mom did the same, she was simply better at it, keeping men around longer. I remember telling my 4th grade teacher that me and my dad would be going go Dave and Busters so I could meet a new woman, and that is exactly what happened. I had not even talked to my dad to know if that was the plan, but it was like clockwork for us. As a young child this caused a lot of fear of abandonment that I still carry with me.
He has always been a hard worker, which I can appreciate. I know if I need something I can just call him, and it is done. At what cost though, he has always gone at work and by the time he gets home he is tired, and I am lucky if I get an actual conversation from him.
He is a man of many skills but handling emotions and being a support system outside of financial support his not something he can do. He has always been cold unless he is drunk. He let me fall so i could pick myself up. Throwing me into situations where I am clueless so I can learn. I will never be a silly woman because of him at least.
The hard part is if he says he is going to do something with me where he must talk to me and spend time with me, I know it's not going to happen. I've watched girls play the exact same sports I do with their dad, helping them knowing that it will never be me. He can't stand to be alone with me; he needs someone to be there or something separating us. A table, a person, a wall. A way to avoid me.
An angry and avoidant father will create an angry and avoidant daughter. Growing up without being taught how to regulate your emotions but being taught to survive will make you good at just that. Surviving. Then I leaned on him for survival while he was barely making it now, now I am surviving wanting to do everything but lean on him. He is now who I am avoiding. It is now me versus the world.