Open Letter to the Love of My Life

Just pain.

It's been a year and a half almost; 17 months and it has already felt like a whole lifetime, and simultaneously one singular endless hour of a life-long sentence stretching in front of me. I'm exhausted.

Some days are tolerable. Some are even decent. Most of them are painful beyond measure. Few are truly joyful.
All of them, you're on my mind through it all.

I try to see the beautiful moments. God, do I put forth a Herculean effort. I try to make them stretch; to grow and exist and bask within their glow for as long as I possibly can. But what I can't seem to do, is rid myself of the residual anger I feel towards you for this. It's coiled up inside me, ready to strike- liable to take me out at a moment's notice, even when the moment is a beautiful one. Even in the beauty now, there is anger, because why are you not here with me to experience the triumphs and the joy? You should BE HERE. And I should be there to experience yours. Why can't I even call you to share the things with you, without compromising my own self-worth, healing, and progress? Why did I always feel like the one leaning in? Wanting? Sharing? Begging for scraps? Why are you not here to talk about our shared fears over the state of the world right now, and make plans to keep each other and our family safe? I haven't felt safe in the company of another person, in that way, since you. I'm safe within myself, sure, but I miss the feeling of home you always brought when you put your arms around me. And now, you're not my homeland anymore. I may be cursed with wanderlust, but I like to have roots with my wings- and now I am wholly uprooted, and left to wander even while weary.

I receive no peace, because my hand always hovers above a pit of vipers, and I always seem ever-so-willing to stick that same hand in their den, with every memory that swims in my brain. Maybe one day I'll get lucky and the pain from the heartbreak will snap that final heart string and I won't have to live this way anymore, since we both know I'm too cowardly to take the easy way out. I crave respite from these feelings because never have I felt such a prolonged level of pain from a person who said they loved me, and so clearly showed me that they could only love me to a certain point. Yesterday, I sat in my car and screamed myself hoarse, and bloodied my knuckles on the steering wheel, over and over. My mantra was "She doesn't give a shit about you. Can't you see that? What more do you need? What other proof? She doesn't give a shit about you." over and over, on repeat, because at some point the message HAS to sink in. Right? Maybe? Most days, I wish you'd left me alone, and most of those same days, I wish you would stop leaving me alone. It's all I can do to remind myself to continue living in spite of wishing I didn't have to.

It's unfair, what has happened. It's unfair, what you've done. It's unfair how you destroyed what we could have had, when it was still salvagable, because your ego couldn't see or hear me. It's unfair what you took from us because in spite of what I said about it being entirely your loss....we ALL lost so much because of it. It's unfair that when it really mattered, you refused to show up. It's unfair how you refused to see me and the way I loved you. I know you really honestly think I didn't see you or appreciate your quiet (I know this to be untrue because it's the main thing I told Jessi I'd miss the most about you, when I asked you to leave), or what you had to offer, but I did and to this day I can't fathom how you missed it. How did you miss the way I looked at you, with such adoration most of the time and not for any reason other than you were my sun and I loved every perfectly imperfect part of you? Call me Icarus, because I'd have flown into you as many times as it took to prove that I could handle the burn. And I did that, until I couldn't anymore. At some point, I got too close and I had to choose: our demise together, or our survival apart? Growth and real love mean doing what is best, in spite of my desire to go down in flames with you. Are you able to see the love and sacrifice in that yet? Can you comprehend how devastating it was, and is every single day, to be without the other half of me? To give up access to the child we made together, just because it's easier on you? To know that while you were making every excuse to leave, I was making every excuse to stay? To wonder if it was all delusional, and one-sided? To wonder if you've moved on with your new life and your new people, and if you view this part of your life as a pothole on the road to where you actually wanted to be?

Those things that you think I overlooked in you were the things I knew would be the hardest to lose. I knew it then, and the absence of us from each other only solidified the fact that not only did I know, love, and adore those things about you....but even in the less than stellar moments, in your shadows as well as your light, I chose to love you anyways. And isn't that what it's really all about? Don't all humans want to be loved that way, somewhere between the dark and the light, where acceptance really lives? It enrages me even more, knowing that in your projection, you made me wonder if your accusations were correct; that maybe I was loving you for selfish reasons. Maybe I didn't really love you, but the idea of you. Maybe I just didn't want to be lonely. Maybe I didn't really know who I was. Maybe you were right.

Thankfully, you weren't. None of that doubt was real- but my genuine, unconditional love for you was. For the first and absolutely, DEFINTELY last time in my life, I loved someone with all of my heart and soul. Like Noah said....for me that had always been enough. If I do nothing else, I know that I am at least capable of that, which I wasn't sure would ever happen due to my upbringing. Yet, you came along and proved me wrong, while also somehow making me second-guess the most pure and beautiful part of me in the second inning of our relationship. You made me doubt my own soul and, as a result, our very connection. Your fear became a contagious disease and instead of leaning in, you sealed yourself away and left me gasping, living off crumbs when you felt like tossing them my way. You treated me like I was disposable and optional, instead of like the gift you should have seen me as.

I don't pretend to understand all of you. I never could understand the secrecy that was so highly-valued to you, because I prefer all of me in the open, regardless of who knows what. I live that way so that no one can shame me, because I am ashamed of nothing. I grew up in a house full of secrecy and lies, being told that I should be ashamed of who I was.
I will never be ashamed of who I am or the ways I've learned my lessons and as I've said, I don't feel shame for the same things most humans feel shame over. We are not the same in that way, and every time I tried to pull those things into the light, you fought me, even though that's exactly what I was given to you to do, just as you were given to me to shine light into my shadowy corners.

I miss you. I miss you every moment of every day, just as I told you I would. I knew what I was getting into when I made this choice. I hated it then, and I hate it now. I hate the anger I feel towards you, just as much as I hate the love I can't get rid of. I go to bed in your old spot, missing you, and wake up in the same spot, missing you still. I miss the peace you brought to the evenings, under the glow of those antique lamps, and I miss the natural light you brought with you every morning upon waking up- even if I wasn't much of a morning person. Again...you were my morning sun, just like the song. I'm still not a morning person, in case you wondered....but I guess that's no longer your problem to deal with. I do wonder, sometimes, if you miss waking up next to me in spite of that particular trait of mine, or it you're grateful to no longer have to deal with it. I wonder those things a lot- what you miss versus what you're grateful to not have to tolerate anymore, and which one outweighs the other. I have far more that I miss from you, as I knew I would if it came to this. But it breaks my heart every time that voice of doubt creeps in and whispers that I probably miss you far more than you ever will me, because my love ran unchecked for you. I didn't hold back, and now I don't know how to allow anyone else the parts of me that you received, just because you were my person. I don't know how to explain to someone else that when I fall into their arms, it should feel like coming home- and I've only ever felt that with one single person. How do I explain to someone else that I can't spend too much time in their company, because there is one single adult in the whole world who I could have sat next to for days on end and been totally at peace in their presence, and unfortunately they are not that person? And how do I turn off the part of my brain that wonders if you found that home in someone else, and I'm the one who will be homeless until the day I take my final breath? That thought is intolerable and that single heartstring that tethers me to this earth twangs like a threat but feels like a promise of relief, every single time.

Remember when I used to say that it felt like I loved you far more than you did me? I wasn't wrong though- I may not always have the right words....but the feelings are usually correct. Granted, after therapy I figured out that it was because people with BPD feel everything on 100, and those with avoidant tendencies try not to feel too much at all, as it is overwhelming. Armed with that information, I backed off; tried so hard to need less from you, because to those who are avoidant supposedly feel less suffocated when you back off. I tried to meet you where you were without sacrificing my own needs. I tried to exercise the balance I'd fought so hard to learn for us...but you didn't leave a forwarding address when you emotionally abandoned our relationship and so none of my communication reached you, in spite of the different methods of delivery. And in my efforts to reach you, I abandoned myself.
There isn't a day that goes by that both of those losses don't shatter me entirely. Not a single day. The abandonment of my own self shatters me more, but that's because in my need to show you I loved you, I somehow proved to you that I didn't love myself enough. I hope now, you see that I will choose myself, always. And isn't that what you always wanted to see? I guess me telling you that I would choose myself ultimately wasn't enough. You always were a visual learner.

I always said I don't have any addiction issues; that I can pick things up and put them down without a struggle. But, it seems I don't know how to leave loving you in the eaves. I've considered the possibility of limerence- and promptly dismissed it after further consideration because the thoughts are not obsessive in the conventional way- I do not check your social media pages. I do not drive by your house. I do not stalk places I know you will be. I do not sit outside places I know our daughter is. I do not message your conquests or go through anyone to find information about your personal life. I prefer not to think about those people you may grace with your presence in any fashion, because it steals the little bit of life I do have left. The conclusion I've come to is that you were wrong- I did truly love you, unconditionally and without reserve, and I don't know how to live with the thought that I was given access to such a tremendous, life-altering love, only to not be allowed to keep it. How do people continue to live, with wellsprings of grief inside them? Most days I feel like a vital part of me is missing and that disables me far more than missing limbs ever could. Even while doing those things that used to make me feel so whole, it doesn't give me that same joy that I used to feel, even though they should. In spite of our struggles, I loved you purely, and finally being given the opportunity to feel that deeply for someone made my soul flourish in a way nothing has, aside from being a mother. And in your anger and hurt, you took that from me, too, rendering this completely unfixable. I have a deep anger for that, too, because I truly feel most things are fixable...unless they just can't be repaired. Until this, I didn't think anything was irreparable and now, I've learned that some things truly are.

My soul is rooted in love. That's the main thing I've discovered about myself. Giving love to others, giving of myself, brings me so much joy. And when my heart is not in the giving, I feel suffocated. My heart was always in the giving, with you, in a way I don't believe you learned to reciprocate, and I don't know if you have or if you will. I don't know what your life lessons are supposed to include, but maybe that's somewhere on the list. To this day, I wish I understood what inside of you feels the need to fight so hard against love- against something that should feel like freedom, not chains. Loving you gave me that freedom...and for you, it made you feel imprisoned. I just can't, can't, can't, CAN'T, wrap my head or my heart around it. I've loved you since I felt that chain connect us in Algebra. I didn't have the words, much like I don't always have them now....but I knew it was something irrevocable. I'll never stop wishing things would have been different- it's something I don't think I will ever fully accept, even though Julie said I should. I know forgiveness comes with acceptance or apology, and since I know I may not ever get the one, that the other is up to me, and has to be done when I'm ready...but I'm worried that I won't ever fully accept the loss of what was supposed to be the greatest gift of our lives, and I won't ever accept the forced loss of Zep, either. Much like the choice I made with you, I had to remove that last cord of control, because I couldn't continue to allow what was happening. I couldn't allow you to hold me down when you don't want to be present to hold me up.

I don't know why you couldn't see what I saw with us- or why you only saw and felt the struggles. I am currently where you were with me, I think, and I don't even have the proper type of love for the person to keep me pushing forward and working for it. At this point, it's for the healing and the learning. But, I am terrified. I'M the avoidant now....can you imagine????? I isolate to an unhealthy degree. I am intolerant of boundary pushing in a way I have never been in my whole life. I eschew most forms of intimacy, and I don't desire or miss any of it. I'm revolted at the thought of anything sexual. I am intolerable and prickly now in ways I never was before. My soft now SO VERY selective and situational whereas before, I felt it every day from loving you the way I did. Every day is a struggle to remind myself to allow softness into my soul, in whatever form necessary, so that I'm not broken for the rest of my life. I am happiest when I am alone. This seems like it would be a positive development, right? But I was always at ease in my own company (in spite of what you thought about me) and now....it's a struggle to be in a relationship at all.

All of this breaks my heart because I know underneath it all is a hurt but very loving human who doesn't feel safe anymore to allow good into her life. Even the hope of joy has become a threat, and that's the hardest change of all to accept, because the first few years of loving you allowed me to flourish...and now I feel like I'm back at square one.

If this is how it feels to live inside your mind and your heart....I am so sorry you've had to feel like that, ever. I won't take responsibility for all of it because we both came with our own baggage, but I am sorry for the parts I leant to your pain. I'm so sorry that love feels so similar to fear and that I didn't know the correct way to respond to that, or what I was looking at sooner. I am forever sorry that avoidance feels safer than leaning in, and that now I am broken in the same way you were.

I am sorry for the ways that I failed you or for the innocent things about my personality that seemed like threats or red flags; yet another part of my anger at times. Neurodivergent traits are sometimes mistaken for red flags and there are moments that I wish you could have seen me beyond them, and been more patient with them so you could really get to know me instead of trashing me with people who didn't know me at all, because it felt safer than leaning in. Maybe in the next life we will do better, if I have enough bravery to sign a contract for this again. I don't know that I will, because this round has almost killed me, if I'm being honest. Please know that every day with you, I woke up with hope, and ready to give 100% of whatever energy I had on that given day, even if it wasn't much. Not a day went by that I didn't love and adore you and want your happiness even more than my own. If I didn't, I wouldn't have given as much as I did, in spite of not getting much in return.

I don't need a response, but I did need to say all of this before I have to face you, because if I don't, I'm worried I won't make it through the transfer without losing it. Maybe instead of seeing this as vulnerability, you'll view it as manipulation, as you have before. Maybe you'll laugh about me and my stupidity and my childish, immature outlook with others, as you have before. Maybe you'll ignore my pain, as you have before. Maybe you'll write me off, as you have before. Or maybe, you'll do something different, I don't know...but I fully believe in the ability of the human spirit to grow and change. Regardless, if I'm going to find my softness again, I have to go to the root of my pain which unfortunately, is you. I have to forgive you for the ways you failed me, too, and that you may never become the person I am able to see in you, beyond the wounds.

I've never understood so deeply why they say forgiveness is for yourself, and not the other person. I understand that on a soul level now. I'm trying my very best, even with no apologies and no expectation of them, and even operating with only half my soul intact. Some days are better than others, and some days are absolutely goddamn impossible...but isn't it such a blessing, that we get to choose to wake up the next day and try to do better than we did the day before?

I'm going to end this letter now. I'm soul-weary, and I've cried enough to fill an ocean. I love myself, and therefore, I can't hate you without hating myself, too. It's wildly unfair, but that's the lesson that comes with true wisdom.
So, because of that...

I forgive you. I forgive you for the things you've done to me and said about me, and the things you will continue to do in your human moments. I forgive you regardless of apologies or the absence of them. Unconditional love, if truly unconditional, allows for a forgiveness that transcends human fallacies and mistakes. I forgive you for hurting me, for not knowing better, for not being able to allow me to be present for our daughter because it hurt you too much. I forgive you for not knowing how to be a better parent for the kids you took into your care when they were young and trusting, and loved you. I forgive you for failing them, even if they can't forgive you yet. I will continue to encourage them to do the same, because they deserve the peace that comes from it. I forgive you for claiming to be a boulder, and instead being a pebble in a stream. I forgive you for all of it, and I am sorry for the ways I hurt you in return....even if you never forgive me for any of it, because I am grown enough to know when someone is owed an apology, even if the actions felt justified.

Forgiveness is love in action...and one day it will be second nature for me again. Thank you for giving me the chance to practice that to a level no one else can reach.