Coming Of Age

A parody of teen coming of age stories. This is a short film script.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Stacy is writing in her diary, and we can see a bad boy beating up a loser in the background.

STACY

Dear diary, It's my first day in my new school. Me and my Dad moved across the country cause he met this bimbo online. He was able to move on so quickly from my moms death, so why can't I? I wish we didn't have to move. If you think it's hard being the new girl, try being the new girl who's mom died from cancer. Anyways, maybe I can distract myself from the pain by getting a date like my dad.

The bell rings.

STACY

I gotta get to my next class, Stacy out.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Stacy is walking down the hallway with a bunch of papers. Rebel intentionally shoulder checks her and her papers go everywhere. He intentionally starts stomping on them.

Rebel

Watch where you're going, loser.

Stacy looks at him and falls in love

REBEL

Hey, aren't you the girl whose mom died from cancer? Heh, she probably got the cancer from you, disease girl. I better leave now, I don't want to catch cancer from you and die like your stupid mom! Ha!

STACY

Ok, see you later alligator

REBEL

In a while, pedophile

INT. RECORD STORE - DAY

Stacy is browsing records when Egbert Throckmorton approaches

Egbert

Hey, you're Stacy, right? My name's Egbert, Egbert Throckmorton. You're the new kid whose mom died of cancer, right? I'm so sorry about that, that's a total downer. I'm here if you ever need a shoulder to cry on - Not in a creepy way, though! You probably think I'm ugly and stupid, right? I get that a lot. Girls don't like me because I'm too nice. I'm so lonely. Anyways, what are you doing here? It's rare to find a girl who listens to music. Wait, do you like hyper-post-industrial-antedeluvian-shoegaze-absolute-booty-core?

STACY

Yeah!

EGBERT

Name three artists, then.

STACY

100 Say Gex Tapes, Puddle Fuddle and the Tiddly-winks, and Chrome silver Rock 1 x 1 Crystal 5 Point Lego piece. Who's your favorite artist?

EGBERT

Have you ever heard of Eminem?

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Rebel is beating up Egbert.

REBEL

You better not be hanging around disease girl-

Stacy rounds the corner and runs up to them, breaking up the fight.

STACY

Stop! Stop it! This isn't you! Why can't you two just be friends?

REBEL

Because he's hot- I mean hot- I mean hot- I mean gross and a loser!

STACY

Will you please stop, for me?

REBEL

No

He punches Egbert and sends him flying.

STACY

Egbert!

REBEL

I hate you, disease girl, when are you going to understand that?

INT. REBEL'S HOME - NIGHT

Rebel's mom is watching reality tv. Rebel walks in.

BARBRA

Oh, look who's finally home, like, it took you long enough!

REBEL

Ma, can I ask you for some girl advice?

BARBRA

HA! Girl advice. Likely story, you fat fairy.

REBEL

Well, I like this person, but I'm too scared to let them know, so I just keep bullying them.

BARBRA

You, like, aren't gonna get any tramps in those ugly clothes, I suggest you get your money up, hobo!

REBEL

Hey, you're poor too!

BARBRA

Go to your room.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

STACY

You know, I'm starting to think that Rebel doesn't like me back.

EGBERT

Heh, yeah. He'd probably beat you if you were his girl, so maybe that's for the best. Why do good girls like bad guys?

STACY

Well, I guess I don't only like bad boys.

Egbert leans in for a kiss. Over his shoulder, Rebel sees them holding a misspelled promposal sign.

STACY

(Pushing Egbert away)

Wait!

Rebel cries and runs away, dropping his sign. Stacy picks it up and reads it. She is about to walk away.

EGBERT

Wait! Stay with me, Stacy!

STACY

I- I need to think about things. I'm going home.

She walks away.

EGBERT

She knows where home's at.

INT. STACY'S HOME - NIGHT

STACY

Hey dad, I'm having boy trouble.

STACY'S DAD

Lay it on me, sport.

STACY

Well, there are these two guys that I like. One of them is really nice to me, but the other one is mean to me, but really hot. How do I pick?

STACY'S DAD

If he's mean to you, that means he likes you, boys will be boys. You know I was in a similar situation when I was younger. I had to choose between your mom and Scarlett Johansson before she got famous. I picked your mom because she was nice, and regretted my choice ever since.

STACY

But didn't you love mom?

STACY'S DAD

Of course not! I mean, she was fine, I guess, before she got cancer and lost all her hair. But the point is, get with that hot guy. Plus, you've got your mom's genes, so you might not get another chance.

STACY

Wait was mom's cancer hereditary?

STACY'S DAD

No, I didn't mean it like that! I meant cause you're ugly like her! Anyways, good talk, sport.

STACY

Yeah . . .

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Stacy approaches rebel

STACY

Hey, Rebel . . . Listen, what happened with Egbert didn't mean anything. I like you.

We see Egbert over her shoulder.

EGBERT

What?

Egbert turns to start running away.

REBEL

Wait!

Rebel stops him.

EGBERT

Leave me alone, go be with Stacy. Nice guys always finish last, nobody loves me.

REBEL

I love you, I'm sorry for not being able to show it.

EGBERT

But what about the promposal?

REBEL

That was for you, dummy. Will you go to prom with me?

EGBERT

Yes!

Stacy pulls out her diary

STACY

(Narrating)

Dear diary, well, that was unexpected! I don't think my dad gives very good advice. I-

Rebel steals the diary and pushes Stacy to the ground.

STACY

(out loud)

HEY!

REBEL

(narrating)

Dear diary, I'm gay! I just asked out the boy I like, and he said yes! Things are looking up, but I don't know how I'm going to come out to my mom. I guess I'll have to grow while navigating my newfound queer identity!