The Dead Parrot Society

can you tell which is which

Dead Parrot? - Yes, indeed! As you may recall there was a comedy group called Monty Python who did quirky off the wall improvisational sketches. One of their most well-known sketches involved the sale of a dead parrot. Bear with me, there is a point to all this.

In the sketch a man comes back into a pet shop to complaining he was just sold a dead parrot. The salesman tells him that the bird which is clearly dead was, in fact, not dead - it was just resting. The customer points out that the bird is nailed to his perch in the cage. The salesman responds that the parrot is nailed to the perch so that he will not fly away. Well, to shorten it up, the customer continues pointing out all of the evidence that the bird is dead and the salesman continues to deny the evidence no matter how compelling. As this goes on the customer becomes more and more frustrated and agitated and finally begins to bang the bird on the counter while yelling “The Bird is Dead!...Dead!...Dead!!!...

At this point, the salesman calmly looks at the customer and says, "Well, yes, now”.

My first response was a short burst of laughter. It then occurred to me that I had been to that “pet shop” - many times. Indeed, my whole life people have been trying to sell me “dead bird”s.

“This spanking is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” - Hmmmm. “These carrots taste like candy” - I still hate carrots. “After the surgery you can have all the ice cream you want.” - Who wants ice cream after surgery?

Not only from childhood have I been sold dead parrots but also, I have been taught to sell them to others. Often this takes the form of the “White Lie”. Telling people how smart, thin, attractive or whatever even when no reasonable person would agree that any of those things were the case. It seems polite society is populated by accomplished liars and in fact, that polite society could not exist without them.

We were taught not to say Aunt Blanche smells funny. But instead of saying nothing we were taught to “kill the parrot” by saying something like – “Aunt Blanche what nice perfume you are wearing.” - (Evening in Parrot? - or is that Paris, one forgets.)

Or D.P.’s that we serve our bosses – “You are so smart that I believe everything you tell me.” (even when we don’t believe a word of it.) How about those birds served up by politicians – “I will increase all your governmental benefits and none of it will cost a cent.” - (Oh yea, - right). All of this gives new meaning to the phrase - giving someone the Bird.

The list of types of dead parrots is endless and more are added to it every day. With more and more technology and less social skills to interfere with it, Dead parrots can be e-mailed and texted and by any other numbers of ways be sent around the world instantaneously. No one anywhere is safe from the dead or dying birds.
So, what! (you say). You believe that you know whether a parrot is alive or dead in all cases - Do you really? And if you don’t always know - Is that so bad? To quote from an old movie - Have you ever been stung by a dead bee?
I submit to you that not knowing the status of the parrots presented to you can be horrendous and that the longer you don’t know the worse it gets. If you don’t suffer the tooth being filled, eventually they all will need to be pulled. E.D.P.D. (Early Dead Parrot Detection) is essential to successful living. That doesn’t mean that you won’t be required to “feed” some dead birds (more on that subject to come) but it is important to know which are dead while you are doing it.

But who can you depend on to stand up and point them out to you? Who can you turn to in times of confusion? There are few in this world that possess the perceptiveness and fortitude needed to identify the status of the parrots in our lives. There exists an organization that is committed to the identification and communication of this bird data – “The Dead Parrot Society”. This semi-secret society has existed since the dawn of “sometime” but as “knowing” is not always labeled as a “good thing” it has remained in the shifting shadows until now. Given the current situation of the world it may be the time has come for full disclosure.

We shall see, more to come.