the slow burn of my mind...

...up this mountain of my creation

         

My vision is grandiose, and my weary eyes will see no rest until they see it.

There's a price to pay, directly proportional to your ambition. Never paid in strictly one way, we learn what our journey requires of us as we walk.

I wrote those opening lines about a month ago. Why? Well, given the title and the aforementioned opening lines came to me so effortlessly, I couldn't possibly say that I don't know what to say, rather I couldn't find how I wished to say it.

I've had a rather good month for the past month. Could say I only really got hurt a number of times... And each time that happened, I created the equivalent of ten happy moments. Perhaps I have only been happy and not experienced true "joy", but for now, these weary eyes have seen that these hands create when this soul has caught charge within storm.

I once told someone I hold dear of fears I hold near... fears that when I get to the top of this mountain, I will be too joyous to create. A little envy I hold for people who draw their creation from this... joy. I would not say that I have never felt it, perhaps it is because I try so hard to savour it before it inevitably slips away, that I do not realize or harness it's creative power.

Yet I look at the canvas in these moments of intense rain, and the road is made clear... like now. I know that after this hurt, I will smell the soothing scent of wet dirt and lift my face off the pavement. My bloodied tooth can stay there and mark my legacy to passers-by, like some delinquent's graffiti... Silentte was here.

The old man held my shoulders, "Son, you can only find true joy within". Well pops, perhaps I'm scared to search. Maybe I haven't spoken with that kid in years... The one that held his crayons with the sweetest smile. Possibly, he learnt more than what he could make room for. Most likely, joy had moved out a long time ago.

While the inner reaches of my mind remain in the dark, one thing remains clear: I made this mountain, and I will climb it.