Balancing on the Edge

Will I fall? Would that be such a bad thing? If I fall?

She is in me, runs through my veins, makes me tremble with every movement. She guides my spirit. Encourages me. Chokes me. Lets me grasp for air. Then slaps me in the face, only to squeeze my throat shut again. All over again. Again and again. She possesses me. She devours me. But she will never leave me. It brings me comfort. We live in solitude together.

I spent my entire life balancing on the edge of a cliff. On one foot. Will I fall? Would that be such a bad thing? If I fall?

I am balancing on the edge of a cliff. And you pull me. You pull me down into the deep nothingness. You pull me away from it all the same. Where do you want me to go? Where am I supposed to go? For now, I will continue my journey alongside the edge. For now, that's okay. Later. Later, I will come to a stop again. And make my decision. Or let you make my decision. For you will be there, in me.

There are times, when an empty night sucks out all my organs, leading me into a frantic state. A state where I want you off of me. Where I need you off of me. Let go! And I try cutting you off of me. I try to cut you out of me. Incisions in my skin. Hoping that you, along with the blood, will flow out. But in the end, you never do. It is then that I am reminded that you, in fact, are me.

I have come to realize that, yes, you are pulling me under, you weigh me down, but therefore, you will also never let the storm take me. You will keep me to the ground. I guess I have come to accept that I will never reach the sun.

You see everything. You have seen his hands. How he grabbed me. How he used me. How he broke me. And you keep reminding me. You are an echo. A quiet echo in my head. I want you to shut up. I need you to shut up. Please! There were summers, once. The plastic pool. The smell of grass. Our laughter spilling into the air. You must remember it too. Why? Why don't you ever mention those times?