The Real Facts of Life

Learn what it's really all about

The Real Facts of Life

or... Boys and Girls

or... Marriage - How and Why it works

***Editor's note: Please be aware that some ideas expressed here by Mr Textworthy are entirely his own and not necessarily shared by the management.***

Let's start by learning the true difference between boys and girls. It's easy once you understand the 2 real facts of life:

1 - Girls grow up and become mature, sensible ladies.

2 - Boys get bigger. And older. But they never grow up.


Of course a very few do, but they're so boring we don't need to talk about them here.

So now let's talk about marriage.

Why on earth do people get married?

It's simple really, once you have understood the difference between boys and girls, you then see that the real purpose of marriage is to make those seemingly incompatible God given gifts of both men and women somehow work together.

It's starts with a natural law, based on the fact that you always want what you haven't got.

This is a universal law. You can see it in action when the opposite poles of a magnet attract. Or, when you throw a ball. Is it content to continue on it's steady course, rising majestically? No. It sees the ground below becoming more distant and wants it, so makes every effort to join it.

In the same way, girls start to look favourably at those boys that seem exciting and uncontrolled. This is what they want, so they get one.

(I will skip for now the reasons why boys are attracted to the girls. Especially since it's pretty obvious)

(to continue...) Unfortunately and before too long, this in turn creates the inevitable next step in the natural law. Once the girl has become a mature, sensible lady, she now wants a nice home with nice people to call friends. But there is an obstacle. It is a husband who doesn't quite fit the picture. In fact he is the diametric opposite what she now needs. She is left with this unruly, unkempt, socially unacceptable, independently minded bloke who seems to want to do everything his own way and of course makes a complete hash of it.

With this realisation, the wife now has one single goal in life. To change her man into something socially acceptable and presentable. And so she embarks an unstoppable campaign to achieve that.

While all this is going on, the man of course has his own role to play. He is a man and has to follow the man's code. It is his honour-bound duty to do everything in his power to make this process as difficult as possible.

Training rituals are wide and varied. They involve constant persuasion techniques (sometimes mistakenly referred to as 'nagging') so that he wears the clothes that she considers appropriate for any given occasion, uses a napkin instead of his sleeve (at least in public) and becomes occasionally useful such as by doing the dishes, helping to make the bed (with hospital corners) and so on.

But his tie will continue to be impossibly crooked and his handkerchief inexplicably stained, while he forgets that he is on working on the car in his best trousers, then comes in and leaves oily footprints on the polished floor, oblivious to the presence of paper that has been carefully laid for him to walk on, then hides those socks that have developed a hole (after all, they are still comfortable and 95% almost perfect). In short, generally making sure that he is uncontrollable. When confronted by his mate he will assume a baffled defence and continue to present a puzzled expression and claim that he is amazed regarding where that dirt could possible come from. And certainly how that carburettor came to be found in the sink with the white spirit remains a complete mystery.

You will see by now that in this way both husband and wife will continue to have a meaningful and fulfilling existence. It is probable that neither party will ever fully achieve their goal, but both will have the satisfaction of a jolly good job well done by giving it their best shot.