Am I Being Selfish?

Just a late-night vent before bed.

Selfishness.

I’ve always thought a lot about this feeling, because I used to be terrified of selfish people. The kind who only think about themselves. I would silently judge anyone who didn’t offer a bite of what they were eating to the person next to them, or who didn’t immediately think of their family when they were somewhere fun.

I believed those were my greatest qualities: thinking of others, being devoted to my family. Since I was a child, I’ve tried hard to be seen, to be as useful and available as possible. Maybe because I wanted to prove something to someone. I wanted my mother to see that I was more than the child she never wanted to have.

I liked attention. I remember praying to God and asking to get sick, because then my mother would come visit me. I would immediately feel selfish for even thinking that, and I’d drown in guilt.

Today, I experienced a different kind of selfishness.

I’ve spent a good part of my life giving up work, studies, and the kind of parties people my age go to, just to be a present daughter and sister at home. I have a complicated family, where love often looks like arguments and acts of service no one really wants to do.

My siblings have always been my anchor to reality, with their pure way of seeing the world. They were born different, but that has never stopped me from loving them unconditionally. In fact, those differences taught me how to be more human.

Lately, I’ve started studying and working, and as a result I’m not home as much. That’s one more reason for my mother to resent me, even if she won’t admit it. I’m only useful when I’m being the devoted sister.

Earlier today, since I had the day off, we went to my youngest brother’s therapy sessions. And I felt selfish. I could be dedicating myself fully to this, taking care of them, going with them to therapy, being present in every step of their development. But instead, I’m working, studying, and daydreaming about days I’m not even sure will ever come. Look at me: dreaming about an exchange program, about moving to another country. I felt so selfish for even considering that when my whole family is here.

I feel a little lost. I don’t know whether I should keep dreaming, or just wake up and devote myself to a life of service. Don’t get me wrong, I love my siblings. I’m just paralyzed by the fear that this is all I’m meant to be: a sister.

Am I being selfish? If anyone reads this, I truly want to know.