Being The Oldest

It's always so much work to be the oldest, but it's most likely all in my head.

So much weight and shame it feels on my back and chest.
Feels like people can sense the shame I feel, the confusion I tend to feel.
All my ugly parts being exposed to everyone outwardly.
A negative emotion evoked from people that they sense around me.
A slight confusion thought of why I didn't keep talking.
Why does it feel as if I do everything wrong?
I start to feel graceful, gliding down the soft snow, through the mountains,
but then the snow crashes down aggressively, an avalanche taking over.
The expectations screaming at me, hurting my head.
Feeling as if I can't move.
Thinking I've been a good leader,
that I've built up some good things for my siblings,
when really there's still alot going on behind the curtain,
lots of construction still needed to be done, that I haven't been able to see.
What is wrong with me? Why aren't I were I'm supposed to be, in my life?
I have to have a job, a license, so many things.
At night is when the negativity likes to cling and it never leaves.
I get scared I can't control my own life choices,
I just keep giving into the voices.
Should I do more? How much more?
Am I doing this right?
Comparison is the hardest thing to get to leave. My sisters seem to always be proud,
they have everything figured out.
It feels like I always shout to get out. I ask for everyone's help to get me out of
these deep holes that I've buried for myself. Feeling silly and helpless.
Sometimes I feel it's easier to be careless.
I'm funny, I'm lovable, but I'm always getting in trouble.
Everything at this point seems like the most major inconvenience.
I want to see my sisters grow, but I'm moving at a pace too slow, and it shows.
The energy is drained from the morning to the night. My chest feels tight.
Feel like a clown in front of my family, one that makes the jokes, that no one understands.
My sisters are natural born actors, they're meant for every role, and I'm stuck
like a deer in headlights, wondering my next move. I want everything planned out on paper,
want someone to take over the oldest role for me. I need a manual on how to be the best sister I can be.
I've messed up most of my life by waiting for someone to fix my issues for me, acting like help is everywhere.
When really, I just need to start to care. Why couldn't I get an easier route? Feels like the waters been missing for a long time,
I'm the drought.