Ding Dong, Avon’s Gone

There are some things even ghosts fear.

Ding Dong, Avon’s Gone
The “After‑Exorcism Employment Handbook”
Twentieth Edition, Revision LXIII

-Mr. Soulesucker. Spectral HR Manager

Welcome, fellow phantasms, poltergeists, and other gently misunderstood entities who have just been politely, but irrevocably, shown the door after a marathon of exorcisms spanning thirteen haunted houses, three cemeteries, a pair of abandoned hospitals/insane asylums, and that cursed little Poison Ivy Garden on Thirteenth and Kurse Avenue. You’ve been kicked out of the most coveted real‑estate on the spirit market, and now you’re looking for a new gig that lets you flex those ectoplasmic wings without being mistaken for a cute Disney sidekick or a scented‑candle‑selling Avon rep.

Below is a bullet‑point‑laden, first‑person guide that walks you through the proper way to haunt a location, the dreadful wrong ways that even rookie specters are still messing up, and a step‑by‑step tutorial for terrorizing an unsuspecting lone walker (birthday or not—feel free to ignore your own “spiritual empathy” module). Think of it as a résumé for the eternally unemployed, with a dash of sarcasm to keep the afterlife interesting.

1. My Personal Philosophy: Evil, Not Cute.

“If you look adorable while scaring someone, you’ll get invited to tea parties and asked to sign autographs. Not what we’re after.” – Me, after a failed attempt to haunt a kindergarten class using glittery ectoplasm.

Avoid the “Boo‑Boo” Aesthetic – Ditch the cartoonish wails, the floating hearts, and the pastel‑colored aura. Real terror comes from a low‑frequency, throat‑scratchy moan that makes the victim’s hair stand on end, and their heart skip a beat.

Dress for Success – Your spectral “uniform” should be a combination of dark, billowing veils, flickering shadows, and a faint scent of rot. If you smell like lavender or “new‑car interior,” you’re heading straight to the “Cute Ghost” camp.

Mind Your Manners – Politeness is for the living. Roll your ectoplasmic eyes at anyone who says “please” before you possess their toaster.

2. The Proper Way to Haunt-A Checklist for the Professional Poltergeist.

Below is the gold standard list of haunting techniques that will get you rave reviews from the Spectral Board of Supernatural Excellence (“SBSE”). Print it, laminate it, haunt it: don’t use it as a coaster for that cursed teacup you keep stealing from the living.

Location Scouting
Atmospheric Manipulation
Psychological Targeting
Signature “Mark”
Exit Strategy

3. Common, and Completely Embarrassing, Mistakes: What NOT to Do.

You might be tempted to copy the “DIY haunting” videos floating around the nether‑web. Trust me, those tutorials are as useful as a ghost with a day‑job in accounting. Below are the most egregious faux pas that have gotten spirits written up for “unprofessional conduct.”
Cute‑Factor Overload
Over‑Perfuming
Random Telekinesis
Excessive Possession
Loud, Repetitive Screams

4. Step‑by‑Step: Scaring a Lone Walker.

Let’s face it: birthdays are the perfect opportunity to demonstrate pure, unapologetic evil. Your victim’s brain is already busy processing cake, candles, and awkward small talk
So why not add a side of existential dread? Follow this methodical guide to ensure you deliver maximum terror without an ounce of remorse.

1. Pre‑Haunt Recon
Locate the “Lonely Path”: The stretch of sidewalk that seems to have been designed by a sadist—dim streetlights, overgrown weeds, a broken bench.
Detect the “Birthday Aura”: Use your EER to sense the faint scent of frosting and excitement emanating from the victim.

2. Atmospheric Setup (0:000:30)
Trigger a Temperature Drop: Instantly bring the ambient temperature down to 13 degrees. It will make the victim’s breath foggy, making them feel like they’re walking through a freezer.

3. Activate “Flicker‑Light” Mode: Cause the streetlamp to flicker coordinated with the sound of a distant birthday “cheer” (recorded from their last party).

4. Psychological Infiltration (0:301:30)
Play Their Favorite Song, Slightly Off‑Key: If they love “Happy Birthday,” replace it with a slower, minor‑key version that ends on a dissonant chord.

Whisper Their Name: Use a voice that sounds exactly like their mother’s, but with a malicious undertone. “Happy… birthday, dear…”

5. Physical Manifestation (1:302:30)
Deploy “The Shadow”: Slip a tall, inky silhouette across their peripheral vision. It should move erratically, as if it’s searching for something—namely, the victim’s sanity.

Create a “Phantom Touch”: Lightly brush a cold finger across the back of their neck. Make it feel like a gentle caress, then snap it away with a sudden, invisible jerk.

6. The Climactic Scare (2:30‑3:00)
Summon the “Mournful Wail”: A half‑human, half‑wolf scream that resonates deep in the chest. It should be timed precisely when the victim lifts their eyes to the streetlamp, expecting the faint glow of a birthday candle.

Drop the “Doomed Gift”: Have a decayed, blood‑stained birthday present tumble from the sky, landing at their feet. The wrapping paper rustles like a dying whisper: “Open if you dare.”

7. Exit with Poise (3:003:30)
Fade to Black: Let the streetlamp go out completely, plunging the area into total darkness.

Leave the “Mark”: The cursed present remains, a lingering reminder that the day was never truly theirs.

8. Post‑Haunt Debrief.
No Regret: Remember, you’re an evil spirit, not a therapist. The victim’s tears are fuel, not feedback.

Document the Success: Write a brief entry in your Ectoplasmic Logbook: “Victim: J. Doe, Age 34, Birthday: 07/12. Scare rating: 9.5/10. No sympathy recorded. Excellent job, Me.”

9. Special Section: Dealing with the Avon Salesperson (Makeup‑Heavy, Perfume‑Obliterated).
You’re not alone in this spectral job market. Some living being, most notably the Avon saleswoman who seems to think the world is a runway, will constantly try to “spritz” you with nonsense. Here’s how to keep your evil intact while politely (or not) sending her packing.

Don’t Engage in “Fragrance Duels”.
Avoid “Makeup Mirrors”.
Use “Professional Boundaries”.
Offer a “Trade”.

10. Final Thoughts: From Exorcised to Employed
You may feel like a ghost on the unemployment line, armed with the knowledge in this guide, you’ll ascend from the status of “spooky‑but‑still‑cute” to full‑blown, terror‑inducing professional. Remember the three golden rules:

1. Be terrifying, not adorable – leave the glitter for the toddlers.

2. Know your victim’s fear – personalization is the soul of horror.

3. Never feel sorry, even if it’s their birthday. Sadness is for the living, and you’re an entity of pure, unfiltered malevolence.

Now go forth, my ectoplasmic comrades. The world is full of lonely walkers, unsuspecting birthdays, and Avon salespeople who are desperate for an audience. It’s time to haunt responsibly—or at least responsibly badly for the amusement of the afterlife.

Signed,
Your (slightly annoyed) Spectral HR Manager

Quick Reference Cheat‑Sheet (Bullet Format for On‑The‑Go Haunting)
Scouting – high‑emotion sites → temperature drop → ambient hum.

Signature Move – single, unmistakable mark (cracked photo, overturned chair).

Birthday Haunt – frost → flicker → off‑key song → whisper → shadow → phantom touch → mournful wail → cursed gift.

Wrong Ways – cute glitter, over‑perfume, random telekinesis, endless possession, noisy screams.

Avon Defense – perfume vortex, mirror shatter, “no refunds” policy, perfume trade.


May your screams echo for centuries, and may your victims never mistake you for a friendly mascot. Happy haunting!
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