Here I Am. Send Me.--Chapter Thirty-One

Claire's story continues.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

         PRESENT DAY

         Evelyn looked at Chris. Abortion was one of the many volatile topics they had not discussed in their fledgling relationship. Christians were against abortion. They blew up clinics and stuff, right?

         Chris was focused on Claire. “What happened next?”

         “Courtney and I prayed together every day and, about a week later, she told me that she wanted to keep the baby.”

         “So, Courtney has a baby?” Chris asked.

         Claire proceeded with her story without acknowledging the question. “My part in all of this gets worse.” Her head slumped down and she barely whispered, “Forgive me, Father God, for I have sinned.” Her face came back up with a look of resolve and she continued her story.



         EIGHT YEARS AND TWO MONTHS PREVIOUS

         “I’m going to have the baby.”

         It had been six days since Claire and Courtney had last spoken openly about the baby and a flood of relief flowed through Claire’s emotional system. But during the six days, different thoughts filled her mind.

         “Are you sure that Cal isn’t going to be involved?”

         “He can’t be Momma, I’m sorry.”

         “Honey, there’s something else that we have to think about.”

         Courtney looked at her mother without saying anything, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

         “Your reputation is something that, once lost, you can never get back.”

         “So, you want me to have an abortion?”

         “No. Never. But…” No words came to mind. “I don’t know what. But, as much as I love our church, they are the worst when it comes to gossip and judgement. They’ll judge you and never turn loose of their negative opinions and those opinions will spread. They’ll follow you for life.”

         Courtney’s back bowed up. “Maybe I don’t care what they think.”

         “You should. Someday, you’re going to want to marry a good Christian boy and raise a family. A girl who has had a child out of wedlock doesn’t attract the same kind of boys.” Claire put aside her daydreams about bouncing a little grandbaby on her knee. “There are other options.”

         “Adoption?”

         “It’s something for you to think about.”



         PRESENT DAY

         Evelyn interrupted. “That was quite a turnaround for you.”

         The older woman’s effort to smile was stillborn on her face. “That’s how quickly we can fall away from the Spirit. We try and blame everything on Satan but sometimes we are our own deceiver. On that first night, I embraced my weakness and put myself completely in God’s hands. But then, as the days passed and I was left with my own thoughts, I wanted to take control of the situation. I thought that I was helping my daughter. At least, that’s what I told myself.



         EIGHT YEARS AND TWO MONTHS PREVIOUS

         Courtney stared at her mother. Her lower jaw dropped open while her brain processed and extrapolated on what her mother had said. “But everyone would still know that I had a baby. It wouldn’t change anything.”

         “Unless no one ever knew.” Claire had been thinking and researching. “I know a doctor that I used to work with who moved her practice to Huntsville. I called her and she can be discreet. If you don’t put a father’s name on the birth certificate, then the authorities won’t contact anyone.”

         “But people would know that I was pregnant.”

         “Not if you weren’t here. You’re young and you just graduated. It would be perfectly natural for you to take off on your own and see the world for a few months. Taking a gap year. You would have to contact MTSU and work out delaying your freshman year, but I don’t think that it’s that rare. I’m sure that they have similar requests all the time.”

         “Where would I go?”

         “Nowhere. You would stay right here. Otherwise, someone might see you and tell everyone.”

         “I’d be a prisoner.”

         “Self-imposed. But yes. The fact that you were here would be a secret.”

         “What about my friends?”

         “They would call you on your phone and you would tell them some story about where you were and what a great time you were having.”

         “But that would be lying.”

         “In the real world, honey, sometimes lies are necessary.”



         PRESENT DAY

         Claire spoke as if to herself. “Lies. They just started piling up. Lies on top of lies on top of lies. It was all about pride. My not wanting to admit that I had raised a daughter who could make a mistake. I was so worried about how the church would gossip and how embarrassing it would all be. I was a failure as a mother. The failing wasn’t hers; it was mine. It was all about me. Me and my pride.”

         Chris moved from the kitchen and sat next to Evelyn. “Wow.” He shook his head. “Did that work? Did her friends really believe fake calls?”

         “My Courtney was never much of a people person. She got a few calls at first and she proved to be a pretty convincing actress. Within a month, the calls stopped.”

         “That’s sad.” Evelyn said.

         Claire nodded somberly. “Life frequently is.”



         SEVEN YEARS AND NINE MONTHS PREVIOUS

         “Things are all going smoothly. You’re healthy and the baby’s healthy.” Claire spoke as she navigated the heavy traffic exiting I-65 onto I-565 into Huntsville.

         “It doesn’t feel smooth. I’m sick all the time. I either want to scream or cry all day. And I can’t remember the last time I didn’t need to pee.”

         “Which is all exactly normal. When we see the doctor, she’ll tell you the same thing. You’re doing great. You’ve just got three months to go and then you can start getting back to your normal self.”

         “And I’ll have given birth to a baby.”

         Claire didn’t want her daughter focusing on that. “We’ve got to stop at the adoption agency while we’re down here. They have a notary, and you can sign the paperwork so they can file it with the court. It should only take a couple of minutes. They know we’re coming.”

         “And then what?”

         “And then we go to the doctor’s office.”

         Courtney shook her head. “No. I mean and then what about the baby?”

         “And the agency takes care of everything after that.”

         “When do they take my baby?”

         Claire did not like the sound of that. “It’s just like we discussed. They take the baby straight from the hospital and get it to its forever family.”

         “He or she is not an ‘it’.”

         “I understand. It’s just easier to say. The agency comes to the hospital with the adoptive parents, and the baby joins their family right there. We don’t know who they are, and they don’t know who we are. That’s the best way.”

         “For who?”

         Claire sucked in her breath and forced down her irritation. “For you and the baby. You’re going to be extremely emotional at that moment and might be prone to make snap decisions that aren’t in anyone’s best interest.”

         “Maybe it’s in the baby’s best interest to stay with me. I’m his or her mother.”

         “There’s more to being a mother than biology.” As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Claire realized that was the worst possible thing to say.

         “And now I’ll never get to find that out for myself.”

         “You’ll have other opportunities. This doesn’t have to be the only baby you ever have.” No. Wait. That was the worst possible thing to say. Claire was just acing it on this trip.

         Her second major faux pas was greeted with stony silence from the passenger seat. Amazingly, when her daughter did speak, her voice was calm. “I don’t think that I’m ready to sign anything today. Maybe next month.”

         Claire gripped the steering wheel tightly. “But we made the appointment. They’re expecting us.”

         “Well, they can expect us next month just as easily.” Courtney was nearing the end of her teen years but still had mastery of the teenage snarky tone of voice.

         “The agency offers counseling. Why don’t we schedule a session?”

         “I don’t need counseling. I just need another month.”

         “Honey, you don’t want to wait until the last minute on this. The agency might not be able to have everything through the legal process in time for the transfer to take place at the hospital…”

         “The transfer?! This isn’t a gallon of milk, Momma. This is a baby. My baby!”

         Claire quieted as they passed the turn for the agency and continued toward the doctor’s office. It was probably just hormones. They would try again the following month.

         The next month passed, and then the next, and then the next. Courtney remained unready to sign the papers.

         Claire knew that the date on which a woman gives birth is controlled by God, unless it might occur on the doctor’s day off. Then, the doctor steps in with the modern miracle of labor induction. This was how she knew the day on which to bring Courtney to Huntsville where they checked into a motel near the hospital.

         Her relationship with her daughter continued to be buffeted by the mood swings normal with a pregnancy but which were exacerbated by the emotions of a bored teenager with severe cabin fever. The fact that Claire had to check every text or social media post before Courtney uploaded it to avoid a slip-up had put to rest Claire’s belief that a mother and daughter can’t be too close. They could, And, for the last few months, they had been.

         She had tried to tell the nurses that women in her family gave birth very quickly, but the Huntsville nurses had told her that everything was on schedule and that the doctor would be in around eleven o’clock and that would be plenty of time.

         The calm but urgent calls that were made at 9:30 brought the doctor in at 10:00 and she barely made it. Claire’s granddaughter was born at 10:17 AM, healthy and normal.