A Few Months In

How Peri/Menopause chapter is going a few months in

Hello out there! It's been a minute or two, which seems to be my new life pattern at the moment.

If you are reading this, you will know that I am writing about my foray into peri or menopause. Still not sure which group I fall into just yet.

So, I have been off the pill now for three months, and there is no rhyme or reason as to what I am feeling at any moment of the day or night. No idea how thick my brain fog will be and if what comes out of my mouth will make any sense at all, or if I am going to even be able to find the right words to communicate with. My husband is finding it necessary to fill in the blanks, but even he sometimes has no idea what I am trying to really say. This is his journey and new reality as well. What a lucky, lucky devil is he?

Sleep patterns are nonexistent. Sleep: true, relaxing, restorative sleep, what is this phenomenon you speak of? I feel like I am a new mother, not that I have ever been a new mother, at least not to the humankind of child, catching sleep whenever I can. Nanna naps are my salvation.

What was once a strong need to have my house and home spotless, nothing out of place, not a mark on the floor, windows shining and sparkling, not a speck of dust to be found by a gloved finger, now seems such a waste of my time and energy. Don't get me wrong, my house is clean and relatively tidy. Well, as tidy as it can be with 3 golden retrievers in the house and a husband who is a teacher and seems to still find the dining room table the best place for all of his school crap instead of his desk in the study. This one habit is never going to change until retirement, and even then, I have my doubts.
Now I find myself in the frame of mind of "I will get to it when I feel like it". When that "feel like it" moment happens is anyone's guess.

And the one thing above all that I am loathing, loathing I say loud and clear!!! Putting on weight that I had worked so hard to lose!!! That, in itself, is my biggest pet peeve right now!!! How freaking dare it!!! How soul-destroying!!! Starting to feel the lovely new clothes I bought in celebration of my success feel a little tighter, look a little less attractive on my slowly thickening frame!!!

And this, right here, what I am doing now. Writing!! The one journey I started to partake, started to get a groove on, falling in love with, seemed to have just......vanished into thin air.

So what have I been doing instead? Binge-watching the TV show ER, right from season 1, which I never had the opportunity to do when the show first hit our screens. Why? Because I was out west, newly married to my teacher husband, who was doing his compulsory three-year country service stint straight out of university to get it out of the way so we could return home and be secure in the knowledge we wouldn't need to uproot our lives for him to do this at a later date. Anyway, out west, we could only get certain channels on the TV, and channel 9, which is the channel ER was being shown on, was not one of them. So, I am making it up for it now. Dusting be damned!!

In this past week, however, the cleaning bug did strike, as did the need and want to write this. So here I am. Dribbling on, possibly making no sense, but striking while the iron is hot.

But also, and this is what I think is important, realizing, that sometimes, and especially at this point in my life, I need to give myself a break. So what if a few leaves, dog hair dust bunnies slowly creep onto the patio and stay there for a time. So what if there is a mark or two on the kitchen window that annoys me every time I look out the window into the bush beyond? So what if I am choosing to partake and lose myself in the lives of fake characters in a fake environment, in a fake hospital? Who really gives a shit? And who am I hurting? No one!

As I have learnt in this past week, all things will come. I got the cleaning bug back. I have the writing bug back, and they will disappear again. But that is ok. It is ok to leave things and wait for them to return. It is ok to have brain farts, to lose words, to sit in front of the tv for hours and enjoy that time. To enjoy spending time with myself. To feel a bit lazy, well, actually, a lot lazy. And so, I am giving myself permission without feeling the guilt.

At least that is what it is for now anyway.