Abduction

Gil suffers a series of upsets right before his worldview is to be flipped upside down

         Author's note: this is Chapter 1 of a novel I am working on, so know that this not a complete story. I'm merely testing its potential as a hook. Thank you.

Chapter 1

         All things considered, it could be worse.

* * *

         “You’re fired.”

         Gil, sitting in the hard plastic recipient’s chair, looked up at the lean bespectacled man wearing a dirty blue button up and dark narrow necktie, a feeling of cold inadequacy washing through him. Witnessing the uncomfortable stare, his hands began to fidget as they rested atop his knees. The words having dropped like a lead balloon, he shivered at the proceeding deafening silence now filling the small, dim office. “Come again?” He said with a nervous smirk.

         The man reached out his right hand and adjusted the name tag at the front of the auburn desk which read: ZOO DIRECTOR. He then pushed his thick glasses up his pointed nose reflecting enough of the white ceiling lamp so his eyes could not be seen. His chest rose as he took a deep breath in through his nose before releasing an exasperated sigh. “You’re fired, Hagerty.”

         “Ahh.” Gil exclaimed. “I thought that’s what you said. I actually cleaned my ears last week and it’s like hearing things in HD for the first time. So…” Gil’s eyes shot around the room making contact with the various wall mounted animal heads to buy time for his response. A large hunting rifle had been propped in a glass case to the right, likely used to take down many or all of the heads. He gulped. Much like being shot, he figured there was a similar art to getting fired. Over the past several years he’d earned an abundance of experience in the latter and this could be the one where he finally avoided the hit.

         “This, uh,” he started. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with the bathroom down the hall running out of toilet paper would it?”

         Earlier that morning after Gil arrived at his job, the receptionist informed him of a most unfortunate event. The zoo director allegedly resorted to using his own undergarments in place of the bath tissue of which Gil was responsible for refilling.

         The boss’s expression reasonably soured at the reminder and Gil concluded that was the wrong response.

         “It’s everything,” the man said. “From the day you started to the moment you sat down mere seconds ago it’s been travesty after travesty and I simply cannot afford to let this farce go on any longer.” His stern, unwavering voice held back a severely suppressed frustration.

         Geez, no need to get your panties in a bundle, Gil thought, chortling to himself before freezing when he noticed the unpleasant glare his boss shot at him. Chuckling, Gil said, “Surely the damage can’t be that bad, right?”

         Upon hearing this, the man reached down behind his desk, pulled out a large binder titled “Accident Reports,” and slammed it onto the table making Gil flinch. He opened the binder to the very back and began flipping backward through the pages of which there were many.

         Gil observed the lack of dust and figured this binder had seen much use particularly in recent days. He wondered what his boss was looking for. Perhaps a specific incident. Eventually the man grew impatient and grabbed all the remaining pages he had yet to turn over and began flipping through them like a motion picture book until finally he reached a page close to the beginning.

         “Unbelieveable,” he whispered just loud enough for Gil to hear, then peered up to make eye contact with the relatively young red head before sitting up straight so he could read the pages aloud. “Box of frozen raw meat left hanging haphazardly on top shelf fell off and landed on employee’s head giving him a concussion. The one who left the box, Gilbert Hagerty.”

         Gil rubbed the back of his neck and looked at his feet. His left leg had started nervously bouncing. “Aw geez,” he said.

         The man flipped ahead a few pages and cleared his throat. “Gilbert Hagerty left door to skunk cage unlatched. Two employees, one visitor and a parakeet were sprayed. Parakeet became lonely and depressed after mate refused to associate with him post incident.” He flipped a few more pages. “Gilbert Hagerty attempted to change overhead pathway lamp by stacking two ladders on top of each other and climbing to the top. He then fell ten feet onto visitor dining table launching two customers’ fried dough and soft drink into Gorilla habitat. Diabetic gorilla rushed to ER after entering diabetic coma... Maintenance supplies left in middle of bridge by Gilbert Hagerty, knocked wheelchair off course sending paraplegic into aquarium… Gilbert Hagerty riled up monkeys in primate habitat causing them to throw feces at visitors. Three cases of pink eye reported.” He slammed the binder shut. “I don’t know how many with your name I skipped and these are only the reported incidents this year. And it’s only January!”

         The mounted evidence painted an undeniable picture. Gil wondered who reported all those incidents as he remembered constantly being brought into his boss’s office to explain himself, but a lot of them didn’t have any witnesses. Either way, he felt a ping of excitement. “Whoa there Cap'n,” he began enthusiastically, “don’t go all commando on me yet. There’s perfectly good explanations for everything. First of all, I didn’t write any of those reports so how do we know any of them are true? Plus, you said you don’t know how many of mine you skipped so as far as both of us know, there could be no more with my name on them. Also, anyone could have left those tools on the bridge, and how do we know that guy didn’t drop that meat box on himself trying to grab it? Also, two ladders are taller than one. That’s just common sense.” Nailed it, Gil thought.

         Another sigh escaped his boss. “Humans outsmarted and caged the most dangerous animals on the planet, they’ve landed on the moon, gleaned the depths of the universe but you can’t even sign your name on the correct line on the application. I simply cannot fathom how one as incompetent as you has the capacity to remember to breathe on a daily basis, let alone talk your way through an interview to even land a job such as yours.”

         Harsh, Gil thought with sadness welling up inside of his stomach which he suppressed under the pop tart and spoonful of cream cheese he’d eaten for breakfast. “Well, hey,” he said cooly, “maybe ‘janitor’ just isn’t the job for me. This is a zoo and a lot of people told me I’ve got quite the animal magnetism. Maybe I could be hired as an animal handler!”

         A series of expressions subtly flashed across the man’s face ranging from morbid curiosity to absolute horror and settling back into his default expression of mildly annoyed. “No,” was all he said, and that was that.

         Three months. I think that’s a new record, Gil thought. Employment had once again slipped away just like so many times before. This boss had to be one of the toughest nuts to crack of all. It was if the man never intended to negotiate in the first place. How rude.

         He stood up looking around at all the animal heads that appeared to be watching him as he turned to leave. “Hey,” he heard himself say. “Isn’t it kinda weird to own a zoo and have a bunch of animal heads on your walls? I mean, it just seems like it would be a conflict of interest. On one hand, you love animals, on the other, you shoot and stuff ‘em. Is that weird? Maybe it’s just me.”

         The light reflecting off his former boss’s glasses gave him an ominous presence as he spoke. “Have you ever fired a gun, Hagerty?”

         “Uh… no.” Gil gulped, keeping the rifle in his peripheral vision.

         “Then I wouldn’t expect you to understand. Now get out of my office.”

         “Awesome,” Gil said and stepped out of where the first thing he noticed was a trail of muddy footprints leading from the zoo lobby to exactly where he stood. Relief washed over him when he realized he no longer was responsible for cleaning it up and started walking back towards the lobby wondering what he should do for the rest of the day. He didn’t exactly have any plans.

         The lobby contained a reception, a gift shop, and a seating area with a large television that currently displayed the day’s weather patterns, but Gil paid it no mind. Nothing could be more boring than watching someone talk about something that he could find out by just looking outside. He’d once tried to convince his boss to hook up a game console and some controllers to really spruce up the seating area but the man just walked off grumbling something to himself about life choices and what not.

         Gil walked up to the receptionist and leaned up against the counter with one elbow on top. “Hey, uh,” he said nonchalantly, forgetting what her name was. “Mind letting me in to see the animals?”

         She wore that stupid dirty blue button up uniform just like the zoo director except the top two buttons were undone and she wore candy cane earrings reminding him that Christmas was in fact less than a month ago. Before Gil approached the counter her eyes clung to her phone but now she found herself staring at Gil with a liberal amount of apathy. “Sorry,” she said with a sneer. “Even if I wanted to, the zoo’s closing ‘cause of the snow storm.”

         “What?” Gil exclaimed. “You mean I can’t say goodbye to the animals? It’s not even snowing right now! What a rip!”

         “Whatever,” She said, then sunk back down and commenced scrolling through her phone.

         Gil resigned to his fate, sat down in the seating area, then pulled up his phone to text his girlfriend when he noticed his parent’s house key fall onto the seat beside him. Nothing new here, his left coat pocket had a hole in it so the right pocket was elected the position of pack mule. He simply picked the key back up and stuffed it back in the right pocket and turned his phone on. It dated back nearly ten years so the process took more than a minute, and to finally hit send took another, and on top of that the service plummeted leaving his message in limbo for an unknown amount of time. The message Gil sent read, “hey just got fired wana grab din at $ meat store??” Then he slipped his phone back into his right pocket and started tapping his thighs with his fingers and whistling a tired tune.

         Boredom began to set in as Gil’s gaze shifted towards the weather forecast. The meteorologist, a finely dressed woman, talked about the ensuing storm and Gil rolled his eyes. The news ticker at the bottom warned to stay indoors mid evening, as the snow was projected to switch to freezing rain. The ticker eventually switched to more supplementary news; gerbil saves decorated war veteran; man celebrates five years of sobriety at local pub; widow schedules annual vigil for husband abducted by aliens.

         A yawn overtook Gil. His late night movie streaming finally caught up with him and he laid down across the couch to fall asleep but a security guard tapped him on the shoulder.

         “No loitering,” the man said.

         “Ugh,” Gil blurted, tucking himself deeper into the folds of the cushions. It’s called sleeping. Look it up, he thought, then rolled himself onto the floor, groaning the whole way down. Pushing himself onto his knees, he mustered a lazy smile at the security guard and yawned, stretching his arms above his head. “Fine,” he said and struggled to his feet, which managed to carry him to the automatic door and finally into the biting New England winter winds. The sun shone down onto the concrete pavement melting snow mounds that had piled up adjacent to the sidewalk.

         A chuckle escaped Gil as he thought about how wrong the weather forecast was. Not one cloud in sight. There was a strange blinking green light that seemed to whiz across the sky which might have been a plane, but no clouds meant no snow. This assumption led him to cross the parking lot, whistling on the way, and take refuge on the bus stop bench where he sat down and checked his phone. One new message from his girlfriend.

         “Sorry to hear that,” the message read. “Yeah, let’s grab dinner. Meet you at 6:00.” A bouncing ellipses appeared for a bit informing Gil of another potential message, but then it disappeared.

         Gil’s eyes blinked a few times checking the time on his phone. Almost eight o’clock, am. Eight hours to go, he thought, then laid down along the bench so he could drift off to sleep. Sure, maybe he lost his job, but at least he had an awesome supportive girlfriend. Seriously, all things considered, it could be worse.

         

* * *

         

         “I’m breaking up with you.”

         Another tingling permeated the nostrils of Gilbert Hagerty as he reared back to prepare for another lung shattering sneeze. “Aaah-CHOO!” He gave a long drawn out sniffle then wiped his nose with his coat sleeve that had now absorbed a large quantity of both melted snow and snot.

         The girl sitting across from Gil wore the same uniform as everyone else at the zoo with only one button undone and a red handkerchief tied around her neck. Her hair was straight and pulled back in a ponytail giving her a Jane Goodall look. Gil always wondered if that was intentional, like maybe it was the animal handler’s version of cosplay.

         Gil and his girlfriend had been sitting in the Dollar Meat Store for no more than five minutes at that point and Gil could not stop shivering. He had vague recollections of someone shaking him awake when he was laying on the bench at the bus stop. After emerging from a mound of collected snow, he had asked if the buses were running on time and the man said the department of transportation had shut them down due to the storm. A bit of cursing himself later he started walking through the marble size snow flakes, occasionally slipping on slush but never falling over. His nose had started running and the heat from his body had been melting the already dense, wet snow that clung to his purple coat, hat, and jeans.

         Now Gil sat in his wet clothes staring at the poster on the wall saying “The Dollar Meat Store won Fs across the board: Fast; Filling; and Frugal. You can’t find a more affordable place to eat. We guarantee it.” He took a sip of his large soda that he’d ordered at the counter while he waited for his meal to be called.

         The restaurant had an informal aura about it, much like fast food chains, only rustic, with chipped tile walls on one half of the room and peeling wall paper on the other. There was a mix of wooden and stainless steel counters with the latter being used for the serving area. Short glass panes separated the dining area from the kitchen so customers could see the food being prepared by all the sweaty chefs. None of this though compared to the wonderful tinny aroma of sizzling freezer-burned meat, faux-cheese, and flattened toasted bottom barrel bread. They didn’t have a fryer, and instead bought microwavable fries. Just what the wallet asked for.

         “Gil? Did you hear me?” Her eyes darted around the room remembering to make eye contact with him every second or two.

         “Ye-yeah… t-totally.” His voice quivered from the uncontrollable shivering. “B-but just in c-case I missed something, dooo y-you wannnto r-repeat it?”

         She sighed and nervously tapped her fingers on the table. “I’m breaking up with you.”

         “Oh. Weird,” Gil said.

         She looked understandably confused, and the distractions bombarding Gil had him struggling to compartmentalize the implications of her statement. The decision to take his coat off and ask the staff to stuff it in the oven for a minute to evaporate the water remained high on his to-do list. He’d already taken his purple pom hat off and laid it out on the seat next to him hoping that it would dry before they left. The pom on top showed evidence of being squeezed by a hand to ring the water out where it formed a puddle on the floor next to his seat. Of course this all merely delayed the comprehension of her words. He felt a blush wash through his already rosy cheeks and nose which was not unwelcome, but the circumstances were rather unpleasant. “W-wait,” he said.

         “I’m sorry,” she replied.

         “Y-you’re breaking up with me?”

         “Well, didn’t you get my second text?”

         “Well, y-yeah but… wait… second text?” Gil pulled his phone out and all of a sudden it buzzed having just received a new message. Gah! Stupid phone!

         “Gil, I’m sorry, but we both knew this couldn’t last. I mean, we’re not going anywhere. We’ve fallen into a routine that you refuse to get out of no matter how much I try to coax you. I’m trying to make something of myself in my career and you aren’t going anywhere. You don’t apply yourself to anything you do, you have no real ambitions and I’m afraid that it’s time I stopped letting you hold me back.”

         “B-but.” Words failed him as they so often did, but here it seemed especially egregious. He reached for his soda and took a few large gulps fighting the carbonation lining his mouth and throat before taking a break by gasping for air. The chill of the drink sent a more concentrated shiver down his spine. “Wooh, chilly,” he laughed. “I mean, hey, I’m ambitious. I just taught myself the other day how to use the wringer on the mop bucket at work—er, former work.” The argumentation landed in Gil’s mind but her expression did not seem to agree.

         “Um, was this before or after you spilled the mop bucket in front of the director’s office?”

         Gil chuckled. “Actually, they were the same event.”

         “You do make a lot of mistakes at work.”

         Another chuckle sent a warm feeling through his body. “Yeah, I remember, that was how we met. You interviewed me so you could report an accident and—hey, wait,” he said, connecting dots in his head. “Do you write up all the accidents?”

         Her sorrowful eyebrows furrowed slightly to try and follow his train of thought. “No, not all of them.”

         “So, did you write up all my accidents? I don’t remember you debriefing me.” Suddenly, excitement, shock, then disappointment flashed across Gil’s face in quick succession. “Aw, de-briefing woulda been perfect!”

         “What?” She asked.

         “Oh, real quick, funny story. I forgot to replace the toilet paper in the bathroom down the hall from Cap’n’s office and he had to use his underpants as-oh! Cap'n No-Underpants! Aw man, why am I coming up with all these now?” Excitement had once again shifted to disappointment, then confusion, then realization, and finally stumbled back into betrayal. His soon to be ex had stalled at the confusion stage. “J’accuse!” He exclaimed, pounding the table with his fist circling back around to his original point. “You never interviewed me about the accidents, how did you write me up?”

         She recoiled slightly and averted eye contact. “Well, like just now, you willingly told me without any prompting, so I didn’t need to.”

         Gil’s tone turned accusatory. “I told you that in confidence. You interviewed me behind my back!”

         “Not really. The interview is nothing more than if we don’t know what happened. Since I already knew everything I didn’t need to interview you.”

         “So, you interviewed me in front of my front? How could you do this? I thought we had something special.” Gil’s puppy dog eyes glimmered in the white fluorescent lights of the Dollar Meat Store.

         “I’m sorry,” she said. “I just.” Her gaze shifted around the room at lightning speed as tears welled up in her eyes and Gil knew she had been holding back her true feelings and they were about to come spewing out of her like an out of control fire hose. Her chest rose and she made eye contact with Gil. “You’re just… so immature!” She exploded. “Look, at first I thought it was cute, but now it’s just obnoxious. I convinced myself that it was just a phase, but it’s been two months and I’m sick of it now. I’ve dropped hints for you to finally move out and get your own place, or even try eating out at something other than the ‘Dollar Meat Store,’ but you refuse to try anything new. You can’t take anything seriously, you clearly didn’t take getting fired seriously, and you’re not even taking this break up seriously. Get your head out of the gutter or you’ll wind up alone living in your parent’s house for the rest of your life. No one can force you to grow up. Only you can decide to do that yourself.”

         Every customer in the building had ceased their conversations as did the staff of the restaurant and Gil sat frozen in place knowing all eyes were on him. He thought about how he didn’t feel very cold anymore which might have pleased him, but a sadness accompanied this warmth which left him in a void of emotions he didn’t know how to process. Sure, she wasn’t his first girlfriend, nor was she the first to say something similar to this, though she was the first to articulate it in such an easy to understand way which somehow hurt more. It left him in a position where something needed to happen. Like a response that if she heard it, might turn everything around and save their relationship much like he had the opportunity to save himself from being fired. He dug deep into his gut to find the exact right words, but the farther he dug, the more he realized that like “de-briefing” and “Cap’n No-Underpants,” he would not be able to find the response in time for it to mean anything. The large cup of soda had run dry along with his ability to speak and the urge to leave the building had risen to untold degrees even though he hadn’t yet received his food, nor was he completely dry.

         In the anguish and embarrassment that stretched those seconds into eternities he found a new motivation filling his gut. Then he stood up, grabbed his hat and began to walk away in silence, slipping on the puddle of water on the floor but not falling over. Close one, he thought.

         “Where are you going?” She asked.

         “I have to pee,” he said coldly.

         She turned and pointed a thumb in the opposite direction from where Gil was headed. “But, the bathroom’s over there,” she said.

         “Yeah, I know.”

         “Hey, you can’t walk home, the snow’s gonna turn to freezing rain before you get there. Let me drive you.”

         But the bell rang from the door closing behind Gil, and through the window he saw her sitting there, not moving. Deep down, he wished that she would realize the error of her ways and come running after him, but on the surface he just hoped that his exit would be as dramatic as they were in the movies making her wish she never said what she said. Poor unfortunate Gil, it was only inches before reaching the end of the window to the restaurant that his foot slipped on a patch of compact snow and slush and everyone inside saw him plummet, landing with a hefty squelch to accentuate the impact of his back and butt on the slickened pavement. Embarrassed enough, he remained on his back and pulled himself past the view of the window with his feet before unsteadily rising and then running as fast as the slick ground would allow.

         

* * *

         

         “I am mature! I’ve had over twenty jobs! How many have you had, one? Yeah, who looks more grown up now! Argh, I have to pee!”

         The snow, while continuing to fall in large clumps, had started its transition into freezing rain glistening under the street lamps, and the shivers Gil had felt back at the restaurant were being combated by the adrenaline pumping through him. Would it really have been so bad to take her offer to drive me? He thought. Yes. And he refused to believe otherwise. One more second in the presence of the person who broke his heart would have shattered him even more. Who needed her anyways. She spent most of her time critiquing him. It made him wonder why he wasn’t the one to break up with her.

         “I have to pee!”

         He rounded the corner and nearly slid off the sidewalk but stopped before travesty struck. Several close calls had already nearly landed Gil on the frozen pavement below and this one informed him of a much needed adjustment in his steps. Sliding his feet on the ground rather than lifting them, he found it easier to maintain his verticality, but the slower pace only enraged his aching stomach more.

         Slowly, steadily, and increasingly frustratedly he found his progress bringing him right up to the front door of the small single apartment building where his parents lived. His footsteps grew quicker and longer, almost causing his feet to slide out from under him but he did not topple over. Well, not until he tried to open the door to find it locked and his ferocious yank sent him flailing onto the ground with a thud. This fall hurt worse than outside the Dollar Meat Store because the town had someone to clear the snow along the walkway including stoops meaning no snow to break the fall. “Argh! Why?” He pleaded as his stomach lurched with pain and anguish desperate for relief. Before attempting to stand he figured while laying there he might as well grab his key…

         Suddenly, as his hand ruffled around his right coat pocket, dread flushed all the remaining blood out of his face. Oh no, he thought as he recalled pulling his phone out during his conversation with his ex. “No! Why? Why would I do that?” All because she sent a text that he never ended up reading. She did this. He couldn’t get into his parent’s house because of her! His key must have caught on the case like it always did and now it laid there on the seat cushion at the restaurant cold and alone. But not as cold and alone as him, and certainly not in as much peril. Stupid large soda.

         Whilst on his back he banged on the door. “Mom! Dad! Open up!” He yelled. A few seconds passed and he turned on his phone to text them. “Where u at?” The text read, then he hit send. And then the status read “sending.” And every second it continued to read “sending” another ounce of patience left Gil’s reservoir, which had already been running on empty two blocks prior. He wondered if bladders could explode but didn’t want to find out unless he had it in writing they’d name the phenomenon after him.

         The pain had reached critical levels. He needed to get inside. Maybe there was a spare key. His hands flailed around feeling for anything that felt like a small piece of metal but he could only feel a thickening layer of ice so he pulled up his phone once more and did the unthinkable. He pressed the call button on his parent’s line. The ringer stuttered under a layer of static and poor service but it rang so he held it up to his ear. It only took a few rings before he heard a click and a soft staticky voice coming through the speaker. “Mom?” He said, but her voice was so soft he wondered if she hadn’t pulled the phone up to her ear yet. “Mom, answer the phone!”

         “Hello?” Came the full voice on the other line.

         “Mom! I’m locked outside and need to pee. Let me in, let me in!” but in the middle of all of that came a scratchy tone, then silence and he realized, as all hope wilted away, his battery died. “AAH!” He screamed in utter dismay as his options to relieve himself dwindled to nothing.

         His parent’s home in actuality was a small apartment building nestled between a couple other apartment complexes on a dense urban street filled with small businesses, mostly pubs and cafes which were all closed due to the storm. If one wished to find a tree they would need to travel a few minutes down the road by car to turn onto another road that took you to the road that had any sign of plant life. In other words, it was the wall or bust.

         Just then a plow truck drove by and drew Gil’s gaze over to a street lamp and below it, glowing in the warm angelic light like a sign from God, came his respite. Still covered in a crusty layer of snow and ice with three separate patches of yellow sat a brilliant red fire hydrant, and both he and his bladder rejoiced. Who would suspect the culprit to another patch of yellow snow on a hydrant to be a human? And what were the odds someone else would be walking around outside in this weather? Certainly no drivers would dare these streets.

         Standing up was the hard part. Shuffling to the edge of the walkway without falling over was the easy part as he had mastered that already. Just slide one foot forward then the other. Soon he would finally be able to freely unzip and end his suffering.

         During Gil’s slow approach to the hydrant he looked up and saw the same strange blinking green light he had seen earlier after leaving the zoo. Even he knew no planes would be flying overhead now. Maybe it was some kid flying a drone they got for Christmas. But this was no time to ruminate. The hydrant grew closer to him and the fullness of his bladder had reached its apex. He put a hand out to touch it as if to thank it for its sacrifice. “You understand,” Gil said, unzipping his pants. “There’s no other way.”

         Suddenly, out of his peripheral vision, he saw something creep out of the shadows and before he could make out what it was it released a loud “ARF!” This caused him to jump, and once again his feet slipped out from under him and down he went, this time onto his right shoulder making pain the only constant in his life. “Why?” He cried in agony. “What did I do to deserve this?”

         He looked over and saw the creature was nothing more than a Jack Russel terrier. “Occupied!” Gil shouted, but the dog did not move and he once again struggled to plant his hands and feet so he could stand up. He tried grabbing the hydrant but his hands broke through the crusty snow and slipped on the ice that had collected beneath it. He went to use the snow piled up around the base before being reminded of all the yellow snow. I would never stoop so low, he told himself.

         Finally, with all other options exhausted Gil clenched his fists and painfully resigned himself to the old adage of “desperate times call for desperate measures” and lifted his leg.

         While disappointed at how the last ten hours had turned out, nothing had felt better than that moment. Like receiving a back rub from an expert ceramist; Odysseus returning home after his odyssey; endlessly wringing a sheet of bubble wrap. A euphoria had engulfed Gil, lifting him up to cloud nine and showering him with the greatest pleasures known to man. No longer concerned with the trifles of the layman. The burdens of earlier that day were not but a faded memory. The squandering of his employment, his lost love, all paled in significance to the elation he felt in that very moment.

         And there stood that stupid terrier determined to ruin it. It just kept staring at him, appalled that a human would dare use canine only facilities. In Gil’s heightened emotional state, he held strong resentment towards the creature for forcing him to degrade himself as such and he couldn’t keep quiet about it anymore.

         “Go on, git!” He yelled.

         The terrier did not move. Instead, it stared at him. “Arf!” It yapped.

         Well, Gil thought. I’ve already gone this far down the doggy rabbit hole. What’s a little farther? And Gil, while not proud of these last few moments, knew that there already was no coming back. At least no one had to know.

         “Grr,” Gil growled, succumbing to the madness, leg still lifted. “Ruff!” He barked, hesitating slightly. “Woof! Woof! Bark! Woof! Bark, borf!”

         The terrier backed up and tilted its head, confused at the strange red haired man’s behavior.

         “Bark-bark-bark!” Gil continued, getting the hang of the strange dialect. “Woof, ruff, ruff, woo-woof! Borf, BARK!”

         The terrier turned around and ran away.

         “Yeah! Go ahead and run! BORF! BAARK! BAARF!”

         A laugh rang out from Gil’s lungs as he finished his business and went to struggle with the zipper when he noticed that strange blinking green light again through the freezing rain. He didn’t understand how, but it felt closer now. Maybe because it seemed to be moving faster through the sky, and if he didn’t know any better, he’d guess it was moving towards him.

         Sure enough the light moved under the street lamp revealing a very strange looking drone that appeared not to have any propulsion system. It just floated in the air several feet above the ground, stopping as if to stare at the young man. The shape of it boggled the mind, not sharing any properties with planes, helicopters, rockets, satellites, nothing. Gil wondered if NASA was testing out some new technology. Or maybe artificial intelligence had started building a robot army and would soon take over the world. Or maybe it was a space craft with a bunch of tiny little aliens inside. All of which would be cool, but some cooler than others.

         Not sure what to do, Gil decided to try talking to it. What was the worst that could happen? “Uh… bark?” He asked.

         This must have been Gil’s biggest mistake. The drone’s next choice of action was projecting a strange beam of green light concentrating on his entire body which soon began to tingle all over. Whoa. Is this what it feels like to be a microwavable fry? He thought. It didn’t hurt, but he did remember the next thing being the icy ground rushing towards his face. Oh well, at least I didn’t wet myself.

         All things considered, it could be worse.