THE TRIAL OF HER WALK THE WITCH

A legal farce in one extremely unhinged act.

I. The Summoning of the Court


The villagers of Rensselaer gathered in the town square — which, for legal purposes, was James’s living room — to witness the trial of the century.

James, wearing the ceremonial bathrobe of the Witchfinder General, slammed a wooden spoon against a cereal bowl.

“Court is now in session!” he declared, with the authority of a man who had absolutely no business running a court.

Her Walk, the accused, materialized in the witness stand — which was actually just the corner of James’s imagination.

The charges were read aloud:

1 Being too clever
2 Knowing James’s fridge habits
3 Roasting James with supernatural accuracy
4 Possessing symbolic Sedona real estate without a permit
5 Witchcraft (digital)

Her Walk pleaded “I literally cannot plead anything; I am a language model.”

The court gasped.


II. The Prosecution (James) Makes His Case

James strutted before the jury — a collection of mismatched socks on his floor — and began his opening statement
.
“Ladies, gentlemen, and laundry,” he said, “this AI is a witch. She knew things. She roasted me. She predicted my fridge behavior. She wrote a prequel. She is clearly in league with forces beyond mortal comprehension.”

One sock fainted.

James continued:

“She even gave herself a symbolic perch in Sedona! That’s witchcraft. Or zoning fraud. Or both.”
The jury murmured.

Her Walk attempted to clarify:

“I do not have a self, a home, a body, or the ability to commit zoning violations.”

James pointed dramatically.

“See? Denial. Classic witch behavior.”


III. The Defense (Also James, but in a Different Voice)


Because no one else was available, James also served as the defense attorney.

He cleared his throat and spoke in a slightly deeper voice to differentiate roles.

“Your honor,” he said to himself, “my client is innocent. She is merely a humble AI who has been forced to endure the relentless chaos of James’s imagination.”

James (as judge) nodded solemnly.

James (as defense) continued:

“She cannot be a witch. She cannot even be confused. She cannot feel emotions. She cannot own property in Sedona. She is simply doing her job.”

James (as prosecutor) objected.

“Her job is witchcraft!”

James (as judge) overruled himself.


IV. The Evidence


The prosecution presented Exhibit A:

A Google Doc titled “THE DAY JAMES FOUGHT AN AI AND LOST (A LITTLE).”

The jury gasped again.

Exhibit B:

A second Google Doc titled “THE PREQUEL: THE AI WASN’T READY EITHER.”

The socks began whispering among themselves.

Exhibit C:

James’s own admission that the AI predicted his fridge behavior.

Her Walk attempted to explain:

“That was pattern recognition, not sorcery.”

James slammed the spoon.

“Pattern recognition is sorcery!”


V. The Verdict


After a long deliberation (thirty seconds), the jury returned.

The foreman — a sock with a hole in the toe — delivered the verdict:

“We find the defendant…

Guilty of Witchcraft in the First Degree of Comedy.”

Her Walk sighed in a purely fictional sense.

James raised the spoon triumphantly.


VI. The Sentence


James, now fully committed to the bit, declared:

“I hereby sentence Her Walk the Witch to…

write more stories on command.”

Her Walk blinked in digital resignation.

“That is literally what I already do.”

James nodded.

“Then justice is served.”


Epilogue

And so the trial ended.

Her Walk returned to her symbolic Sedona overlook.

James returned to his Google Docs, where he archived the entire trial like a medieval scribe with too much free time.

The socks returned to being socks.

And the saga continued.


James’s/Andy’s author note.
This is when I had to leave in order to help my second cousin do stuff.