A Small Spark of Inspiration

I used to write a lot, especially ages through 14-16. It used to be a form of escape.

As I got off school filled with excitement and anticipation, looking forward to writing at home. I even resorted to discreetly using my phone in class to continue working on whatever fanfic or poetry. I sometimes revisit them, and it is honestly incoherent due to the lack of punctuations and the numerous typos. I must've wrote in a manic state.

I'm 23 now, 24 in November. For lack of better words, life has gotten pretty fucking real in the last few years. Getting diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) a couple of days after my 21st birthday, my dad's sudden passing two months after my 22nd, and it was survival mode from there on out. I was good for half a year before resorting to compromising my sobriety through various substances, and as one could imagine it didn't end well.

I guess I'm better now, on paper at least. I have a stable job, bills are paid, bought a house on mortgage, getting married in 2 years. Although, I always find myself having feelings of chronic emptiness. After some personal reflection, I figured that my main addiction in life is chasing the high that you get from total euphoria. Feeling like I could conquer anything and everything, while having an immense amount of unearned confidence etc. I think this emotion is probably applicable to most if not all people.

See, the main difference during these 10 years was that, while both versions of me was always finding a way to escape, one was finding serenity within my own consciousness and the other was running away from it.

So, I am going to make a promise to myself. I am going to dedicate the rest of my life into understanding myself better, racking my brain for all its thoughts and ideas, no matter how obscure it can end up being. I write anytime I feel a spark of inspiration gifted to me by the universe, even if it doesn't see the light of day. What matters is that I did it for myself.

In this bleak and miserable world where everything seems to be falling apart at the seams; a small spark of inspiration is a sense of comfort that despite everything... I am still here.