Prom

I missed out.

I missed out on prom.
Both times.
It was my choice
and I know I wouldn't have liked it -
it would have been noisy
busy
social
tiring -
but I still feel like I lost something.

Prom was meant to be something special,
where I could be pretty
and happy
and with friends,
but I know I wouldn't have liked it.
I was sold an idea that wasn't for me
and I know that
but it still hurts.

I didn't choose to be me
and I don't think I ever would have
if I'd been given the option.
I don't want to be autistic.
I don't want this at all.
But I just have to live with it
and I hate that I do.

If I wasn't autistic, I would have gone to prom.
I think I would have had a good time
with friends
and drinks
and dancing.
But when I think of my real self going,
I can only picture my primary school parties,
where I just stood by myself
or cried somewhere private
or did something else without anyone noticing.
I remember sleeping in the hallway at a sleepover
and being alone and in tears at my own birthday.
I didn't want that again.
I didn't want to be alone
sitting in a corner
ear defenders on
tears running down my face again.
I know that.
But it hurts anyway.

I was sold a life I can't live,
friends I can't keep
and things I don't think.
Anything else was never meant to be an option.
I still feel bad asking for help
like I'm lazy because I've started being nice to myself.
But I also feel like it's not enough
like I'm still struggling so much with normal things.
I don't like it.
But I can't fix it
or remove it
or do anything about it.

I wish I could have gone to prom,
enjoyed my own parties,
had more friends,
been happier.
But that didn't happen.
And at this point,
I don't like whatever god is up there.
Maybe my problems are small,
petty,
insignifcant.
I know they are,
sometimes I feel bad for every having problems
when so many people have it so much worse.
But I can't help it.
So it's all for nothing really.
I know that.
I know all of this.
But I still wish I could have gone to prom.