Cycle

Deep meditation and raw self-exploration.

         I just realized today that I am a loser. Why now? It is a good question. I decided today to sit down for a moment and think through everything. I wasted four years for nothing. I wasted all my life pretending to be someone else. I always escaped from reality because I was afraid that one day the world would be on fire. It always felt like I had a duty to fulfill. For instance, if someone disagreed with me, I just dropped my opinion or my view just to please them. However, the anger always lingered. Anger and sadness were intertwined together like a dream couple.

         Anxiety always crept through my mind and felt controlling, but never mind that. The real problem was that I suppressed all of my emotions. At some point, the door to a storage room cannot hold anymore if the room is overloaded. It is going to burst open, and everything will scatter to the ground and pile up. But you know, that door was strong for holding it that long. That door will never be the same. And you know, no one questions if the door is okay. Everything goes back to normal. Back to me. I can relate to the door, except for one thing. My emotions did not get out. My emotions disappeared. Emptiness is all that is left inside. My emotions collided long ago. I cannot even let out a genuine laugh. I cannot cry if I am sad. I just stand there defeated, like a loser.

         But how can someone ever recover from this kind of loss? Where do I begin to search for answers? Is there any hope left for me? I have no memories, no love, no family, and no friends. I pushed everything away, and they do not even know that. They have no idea how someone like me can feel. They have no idea what battles I fight myself. It is for the better, actually. I would crush down if they found out how I feel. I could not bear the fact that they would worry about me. It hurts because my heartaches if someone is in pain because of me. I do not want to burden anyone. I know they would not understand that. It is a good thing I can mask my feelings.

         Most of the time, however, I find myself desperate for someone to hear my cries for help. I want them to see the little signs. I want them to see that I am suffering in silence, that I am being suffocated, and that I am drowning and slowly fading away to death. I am never too obvious, so that is never going to happen. Only an observant person as myself would notice. Lucky for me, I never met my twin in real life.

         All these things make me question myself. I know the things I hate. I know that I am afraid of being myself. I like to bake, I like to read books, and I like to play video games. I am drawn to artistic things, and I am drawn to realistic things. I hate being touched, yet my love language is physical touch. I love to sleep, but I cannot sleep because I get nightmares. There are plenty of things I know about myself, such as that I am kind, empathetic, caring, observant, and respectful. But how do I find myself not knowing who I am?