May 23, 2021

Looking for a feeling that you've never been shown

I can’t figure out how I am supposed to be treated and this is why I fall for the first thing that someone says because I don’t know how to distinguish a lie from something genuine I end up falling for someone who says only what they need to say to keep me beneath the surface long enough to stop breathing and then I’m hanging onto their every word hoping that they will supply me with more oxygen and I only end up poisoning everyone else who says don’t listen to those shiny words that you have been hearing because they aren’t true and they will only bring more hurt to you

See I don’t know how to be treated fairly as I have never been shown this so I run towards the people who have this genuine feeling and I’m always disappointed when they leave even my uncle keeps his promises and looks after his little girl but I am not really sure what that is on an otherwise daily basis as I don’t really get that

I am searching for a love that I haven’t grown up with and it’s only dawning on me now because there is a vast majority of us who go looking for something that we don’t really have words for because we have never experienced it to even begin to know what to ask for so we end up in relationships that are toxic or painful and we call that love because we don’t know any better we make excuses because we think that is what we have to do to keep the people who are hurting us so close because we would rather keep hurting then go searching for someone who wants to treat us right and not lie to us all night