Hog Rotten Potatoes

This is a science fiction short story set in space.

Just then, Valporanio clicked the button in his controller. Before him, on the big screen, the planet of his enemies, the rebels, was destroyed. With a flourish and a bout of fire, the planet whooshed and fell.
One could not make out individual bodies, of course, but the explosion was immense. Due to the atmosphere on the ship, all the sounds were accurately recreated.
“Meddlesome strangers,” said Valporanio.
“My valued king,” said a voice.
“What is it, Whitney?” said Valporanio.
“We did it.”
“Did what? What did we do?”
“One by one, the other planets are acquiescing.”
“One by one. One by one.”
“We have a pledge of gold.”
“Gold, you say?”
“Yes, multiple pledges.”
“Well, I’d hate to keep it waiting.”
Suddenly, Valporanio paused.
“What is it?” said Whitney?
“What do you mean? Did I say something wrong?”
“No. You’ve been waiting for this day for a millennium. You prayed for it to the dark gods of Asmagardenes.”
“I’m happy. I’m happy. Worry you not for your own sanity. My happiness is assured. I wish only to be left in solitude so that I may…count my coin purse.”
“Valporanio, what is it? You’ve not in love with one of them, are you?
“Don’t make me Glaff! I’d never sully my oiled robes…”
“Good. I will see you at the official Summons of Surrender.”
“Excellent, excellent.”
Valporanio was left alone.
“Alone! Finally, alone!”
He looked around quickly, not being able to see the saboteurs hiding in every corner and nook and cranny. He quickly, yet surreptitiously, pressed a special, hidden button on the controller in his hand.
“Hello?” said Valporanio. “Hello, this is Valporanio; King of the Universe, conqueror of the Ausgaird Cluster. Hello?”
A video came in on the mega-screen. It was blurry at first. Who knew what would come in on the other side. Valporanio started to thumb the “panic button” on his controller when a voice came through.
“Hello?”
“Hello, this is Valporanio. Who is this?”
“It’s Akcmorelda…”
“Ackmo! I’m so glad to hear from you! Do you have it?”
Ackmoreldia appeared to be running through a burned-out forest on a deserted world. Was this one of Valporanio’s conquests?
“I have it.”
“What is it?”
“A giant sack of Ceeserian hog rotten potatoes!”
Valporanio’s mouth immediately began to water.
“Oh, goodness! You don’t know how satiated I feel right now. Dare I say it; happy?”
“Oh, you’re going to love this.”
“Yes?”
“Creamy!”
“Yes? Creamy?”
“Slushy!”
“Ooh!”
“Slimy!”
“Wow!”
“Slides down the gullet like a gourmet booger.”
“Great heavens!”
“You won’t get some of the gas. You’ll get all the gas!”
“Dear heaven, deliver me from temptation.”
“And that’s not all.”
“What do you mean that’s not all? Is there more?”
“Oh, there’s a lot more. Did you destroy my planet a few minutes ago?”
“Planet?”
“Yes. Planet. My planet. The one I was born on? The one my family lived on? You know the one.”
“Uh, I don’t know anything about any planet. I live on this planet. Not your planet.”
“That’s what I was saying. Did you destroy my planet?”
“Look, you’re beginning to sound incoherent. Did you destroy your own planet, or didn’t you?”
“Anyway, I’ve got your hog rotten potatoes right here! Serving right up! Nice and hot!”
“Are they hog?”
“Yup.”
“Are they…rotten?”
“Are they…”
“Potatoes?”
“Yes, potatoes?”
“You betcha!”
Just then, Valporanio instinctively shut down the broadcast. A man came through the front door of the room.
“Valporanio, my king and lord, may I have a word with you?” said the man.
“Baxter,” said “I told you not to interrupt me when the killing fields bleed with blood. And the blood of a thousand stars is boiling hot. How may I help you?”
“Yes. Valporanio. Yours Eminence, you forgot to kill somebody.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, yes you did,” said the man, pointing to the viewing screen.
On the screen was an image of Valporanio’s currier, carrying the dreaded hog rotten potatoes through a bombed-out planet.
“Well, the bombs weren’t as effective as I thought,” said Valporanio.
“So you say, Master King!” said the man.
“Yes, so I say,” said Valporanio. “One thing, slave.”
“Yes?”
“Didn’t I say I’d kill you last?”
“Did you?”
“I’m pretty sure.”
“Are you…really sure?”
“I’m about as sure as a pig in horse shit!”
“Well, that being said, why don’t we sit around and play a few card games?”
“You mean like hangman?”
“Hangman is a card game?”
“Why don’t we ask the hangman? He’d know.”
“I think he’s on vacation.”
“Vacation? I didn’t know hangmen took vacations.”
“Well, it’s a union thing.”
“There are no unions in my empire!”
“Well, they can show up. Unexpectedly…it’s been known to happen.”
“Are you sure I didn’t say I’d kill you last?”
“That all depends on your definition of ‘last’.”
“Like the last cry of a dying man, chained to a boiling underworld?”
“The last ice cream in the fridge?”
“Poisonous ice cream!”
“Well, let’s not get too creative. Your masterpieces are legendary as they are!”
“Well, you can always better your best.”
“You did…miss that one guy. I’m not sure if he’s coming here, but it should be considered that…”
Suddenly, the man died.
“Oh well,” said Valporanio. “It would have been nice to see him and his family survive.”
Suddenly, the door to the command center opened again and in walked a man carrying a plastic bag full of food.
“Hog rotten potatoes, coming right up!”
“Kill that man!”
A few minutes later, Valporanio was sitting at a long, flowing table with thirty seats. Each seat, except for him, was filled with a cadaver sitting upright. All dressed in official garb and general’s coats, these men were the builders of empire. No one would forget what had already been forgotten.
“What is the deal with these hog rotten potatoes?” said Valporanio, speaking to himself. “I can’t believe I got the best, and last batch to come out of that planet of cockroach rats that died.”