Joseph Carpenter

Joseph is the silent type, who gets things done.Hero would be less effective minus Joseph.

"Could sure use a cup of coffee, Joe!"

"Consider it done!" POOF! Trail left. Joseph landed in the kitchen as a thought. Where would Erland be without me? Caffeine-free perhaps?

Erland Gaines stood head-and-shoulders above Joseph Carpenter in all ways, including height and prestige. Erland remained the Force's go-to crime solver, especially the unsolved cases, that were now decades old. Joseph had become a fine caddy, keeping every club in pristine working order. "Actual golf clubs?" you ask. Quite true. Most of Erland's cases involve white-collar villains, who are at least conversant in golf.

"What better way to find a loophole in the story of a rich criminal than to be a gifted golfer with a gentle demeanor and a smile, that goes on for days? That's Erland Gaines! I, Joseph Carpenter, keep His Elegance on the sidelines, while the play is still in motion. There is no use having the 'coach' get a penalty, that lets the game get away from us. I'm the canvas. He's the painter, but every painter needs a pristine canvas on which to paint exquisite scenes."

"How many times have I had to rush in, and call time, dragging Erland off to some backroom for a conference, before he got himself thrown in jail because he started running head-long into a crime scene, before it could be secured. I don't fault his passion, but I wonder how someone so AD/HD became crowned as lead investigator. Goodness knows I'm not the guy. I'm the guy who steps on a hair, that could be prime evidence, Erland sees it a mile away. I usually stand outside of the yellow tape, until invited in to 'watch my back.' That's what I do. I'm his ballast as he virtually has the crime solved, before every piece of evidence is tagged."

"I'm not much more than a piece of furniture. I'm the coat rack and the chest of drawers, that holds all of his valuables, until it's time to go home for the day. How often do I feel like the mother of the family at an amusement park? That may not be applicable these days, but Momma was the pack mule when we were kids. Today, I think that lot usually falls to Dad."

Erland waves to Joseph with the motion, "Come here!"

"Pardon me. His Elegance needs his coffee."

Joseph crossed the room in another POOF! Turning to go back the way he came, He heard the words, "Wait. Just. A. Minute!" He stopped in his tracks. "Joseph, take me to the coffeemaker!" Erland demanded.

Joseph led the way to the kitchen, being careful to avoid the body and the white sheet, that still laid in the office they were investigating.

Erland sniffed the carafe, nodded, and said, "Just as I thought! James, get in here! Tag this coffeemaker for investigation!"

"Right, Boss! On it!"

"Joseph, who made the coffee this morning before the company's second VP keeled over?"

Erland stood a bloodhound at the head of a trail. Joseph knew this was a time to use few words. "The company's maid, Maria."

"Where is she?"

"Out in the waiting room."

"Bring her to me!"

"Right."

"Does she speak English?"

"Some. I think."

"Then, find an interpreter to tag along."

"Will do."

Five minutes later, Maria stood in front of Erland Gaines, shaking like a leaf.

"?Que' necesitas, Senor?"

Erland looked at Joseph. "She's asking 'What do you need, Sir?'"

"Ask her to show me the bottle of water she used to make the coffee this morning."

Joseph spoke to the maid in soft and calm tones. She went to the sink, and brought out from under it a bottle of household ammonia.

Everybody had raised eyebrows, now.

Maria became visibly shaken, needing to sit down. "?ES MAL? ?ES MAL? ?ES MAL?" In hysterics she kept repeting the phrase.

"I know that one!" Erland nodded. "Tell her, 'Yes. !MUY MAL! It's very bad."

Maria wet uncontrollably.

Erland demanded, "Joseph, what possessed her to think that bottle would be good for making coffee?"

There was a soft conversation between Joseph and Maria for a few minutes, then she walked to the trash can to retrieve a water bottle, clearly marked with white letters on a red field, "9.5 pH or Higher." Then, she pointed to the household ammonia bottle, which had the clear marking of "11-12 pH."

"Chief, she made the innocent mistake of trusting the labels, instead of using any other line of reasoning. The water bottle was empty, but she still had to make coffee. The label read, '...or Higher,' and she thought '11-12' met that requirement."

"Well, cuff her as gently as you can," Erland offered. "It looks like negligent homicide, but definitely not murder one. Keep poking around. Who employed her? Somebody else may be culpable, too."

"Are you sure about that, Erland?" Joseph cocked his head in the lead detective's direction.

"Sure about what?"

"Sure about the level to pursue."

Erland put his right index finger over his mouth, then held it in the air wordlessly. After a few more seconds, he smiled. "Got it!"

"Got what?"

"La senora just gave me an 'open & shut' case," Erland exulted. "Video evidence on my phone."

"Say what? How?"

"I have a number of personal friends, who are actors. Sometimes they get me in backstage, and I watch the show from the wings. You'd be amazed how quickly one of them can change emotions from blubbering tears on stage to smiling while they get a drink of water backstage."

"And that means what to the case?"

"Maria just did the same quick transition when she thought Murder 1 was off the table. I have a theory about the relationship between Maria and the VP, but I'm going to keep it 'under my hat' for now."

"You're not convinced it was a simple case of 'getting lost in translation,' are you?"

"Would you be? Maids know the differences between toxic and non-toxic by smell. Did you notice the black and blue scars around her wrists?"

"No."

"How about the scar on her lower left cheek?"

"Didn't see that, either."

"Are you putting the clues together, yet?"

"Starting to..."

"Rough treatment can lead to desperate actions." Erland gave the flip of the index finger by the side of the head, which is the deaf sign for "Understand?"

"Got it. Ready to take a break?"

"Sure. Let's get a real cup of coffee from Wondrous Beans about two doors down."

"Yeah. I'm already there. Thanks."

word count: 1086

by Jay O'Toole
on August 17, 2026