A tragic incident leaves a man learning to live again.
|She lay almost lifeless in my arms as I desperatly gripped her hand.
"Oh God," I cried frenziedly. "She can't die! Please don't let her die!" I pulled her closer to me and gently rocked back and forth, carefully making sure I didn't bump her near fatal wound.
"Where is the ambulance? Why isn't it coming?"
Dark, deadly thoughts began to race through my mind. Anger, revenge and confusion: they rolled together in my head until it was on fire. My mind burned. My heart burned.
I looked longingly into her eyes.
"It'll be okay," I said with more confidence than I felt. " It's going to be okay."
She looked helplessly up at me, like a child trapped in vulnerability.
"I...I don't think I can hold on..." Her voice choked and I noticed threatening tears in her eyes. I tried to stay calm, my grip around her tightening as the rain started to attack the ground like wild bullets. I prayed yet another silent prayer, wanting anything to comfort me, anything to calm me - anything to give me strength to help my dying wife.
"You'll make it through this," I began hoarsely. "You're my angel. We're going to live together, forever. What about all those children we talked about? Remember?" I paused, softly addressing God: "No... not like this...please..."
I looked up through the rain hoping to find some heavenly encouragememt, but all I saw was the storm. It was slowly tightnening its grip on us.
I realised it may be only a matter of time. Why is there never enough time?
"Come on!" I called frantically, again losing my critical composure. "Where are they? Why aren't they coming?" My voice broke completly and tears started to fall quietly, muddled in with the rain.
I could hear nothing. Nothing except short savoured breaths and the intense rain still falling. I could hear nothing, yet I was deafened. We sat in the middle of the street like road-kill, a bloodstained puddle forming around us. I looked around the deserted area, trying to remember what we were doing there in the first place. I couldn't make out any buildings - it was too dark. All I could see was the long stretch of our road, and now I wondered if there was a stairway to heaven at the end...
The blood wouldn't stop, and I knew she was barely alive. The way she shivered told me she knew too. I could only imagine what kind of pain she was in. Her body was heaving, trying to keep itself alive. Her eyes, once filled with a glowing love, now were filled with fear, pain and a loss of strength. It hurt me to see her like this like nothing else could. I cried harder, prayed harder. I had never been so desperate.
Her beautiful voice broke the tension and for a moment, it was all I could hear.
"I love you," she said, struggling to say the words but forcing herself to like her life depended on it. I tenderly wiped away the red blood now dripping out of her blue mouth.
" I love you too, so much. I always will. Promise me you'll never forget that."
She nodded gingerly, and I kissed her gently on her forehead.
Seconds past, then minutes. The rain never stopped. My angel was still heaving for breath. She grew paler by the minute. I tried to keep her dry with the least amount of pain, but the rain was too cunning.
It was in the rain that we had first met, and that memory had come to me as with a bitter twist that this may be when we last meet. To put that thought at bay, I allowed myself to indulge in my first memory of her.
We were both crossing through a park on our way home, trying to beat the on-coming storm. She was little more than a metre ahead of me when suddenly she stopped, muttered somthing incoherent, and spun around to run back to where ever she came from. Except she had run straight into me. She knocked me right over,and I recived one of those nasty grazes up my fore arm. At first I was angry at her. But then I saw her; the most beautifull angel I had ever seen. It wasn't just an outside appearence, but something that glowed from inside her. Something like a loving flame of goodness that flared inside her heart. She apologised and began to walk off. The rain started to down pour and she was getting soaked. So was I, but I was in another land - to busy to notice. I approached her and asked if she wanted my umbrella, as she had none, and when she declined I said I did not mind accompying her to her destination. She was about to say no, when she noticed the graze on my arm.
" That wasn't because of me was it?" She looked troubled.
" Well...uh...yeah." I mumbled lamely.
" Oh I am so sorry. Come with me; I'll get it fixed up for you." Things took off from there I guess.
But now, as she lay nearly lifeless in my arms, the flame inside her was starting to die. That brought me back to reality. My wife was dying!
Where was the ambulance?
Finally I could hear the sound I'd been listening for.
"They're coming," I breathed, only able to raise my arm and so waved it vigorously. They had already seen me though and were braking. Two men jumped out - one ran to open the back while the other rushed over. Police followed, securing the area.
"Where did the bullet hit?" The first man asked, bending down. I gingerly showed him, not wanting to inflict any additional pain. The concerned look on the man's already troubled face made my heart beat even faster, my body frozen with fear.
"We have to get her straight to the hospital for surgery. All we can do here is slow down the loss of blood." The other man returned with a stretcher, and they lifted her skillfully onto it. I never let go of her hand though. I never stopped praying.
I woke up in a waiting room, with no idea of time or location. Then I remembered what had happened and quickly jumped up to find someone - anyone- to tell me it had all gone okay and that my beloved wife was alive.
A quiet young nurse cautiously approached me, calling my name.
"I have news about your wife..." She paused, making me extremely distressed. "I'm so sorry...but we lost her."
A year after that tragic night I still ache with pain. My angel died and part of me died. Could I ever live again? Why did God let her become a victim of murder? She was such a beatiful person -an angel.
I now kneel at her grave -once again in the rain- refreshing the flowers that never ceased to whither. My heart had been buried with her- in that same grave next to her heart.
The only comfort I can gather up now is knowing that she is God's angel now too. Our Lord has taken her for a reason I'll probably never know, let alone understand. I admit that I've been angry with God, for too long though. Being angry makes my heart feel lifeless.
I guess I just have to accept it. She's gone.
She will be my angel forever. And now, whether I can accept it or not, I must share her with God. I must share my angel and fly on eagles wings.