Thoughts #2

Just miscellaneous ramblings going through my head

There is just so much going on in my head. I am not sure that I can really place these thoughts in a category or even want to place them in a category. The plain and simple of it is it is just pure rambling dialogue in my head.

Have you ever wanted an internal tape recorder in your head that you can turn on at a moments notice? I do! If I had one I could record everything I am thinking and then play it back later and thus get everything on the page/screen.

Unfortunately, we are limited to what we can remember unless we carry a tape recorder with us at all times. So, we as writers simply try and remember everything we can until we get to a place where we can finally write what is in our head down -- for all to see or no one to see.

Usually I am so emotionally distraught that I just keep my thoughts to myself. Then wait for a poem that will express my thoughts comes to my head. In the end, I try and publish it somewhere on the web for others to see.

I figure that there are too many people in my 'real life' that would shy away from me if they realized the things that go through my mind. Sometimes, I even scare myself. I wonder how I have managed to stay alive 31 and a half years.

There have been times in my life that I just knew that I could not make it one more day. The pain my anger caused other people was devastating to me. I thought my close friends and especially family would be better off if I was not around in their life. Maybe they could have a normal existence and find other friends or mates and family members that could better suit their needs. I don't feel like I fit the bill many days. I am a stay at home Mommy that has been deemed permanently disabled by the government because I have cerebral palsy even though I can do almost anything anyone else can do.

I go in for interviews and I tell the truth which is what kills my chances. The question out of everyone's mouth is: 'Can you type 25+ wpm?' Well, no not all the time. If I were tested it would be about 20 wpm. But really it is not a fair question when the job description does not entail secretary or reception work. I have an advance degree in Social Work but that does not seem to matter in an age of the computer generation. All that matters is my typing skills.

The whole thing is a bunch of shit. I feel saddened by the fact that the interviewer won't even give me a try. I think about how much they are missing because on the job my people skills are wonderful. I love to work with people whom need services they cannot get elsewhere or for themselves.

Anyway, for now my family must live with the fact that I am jobless and can only provide a meager $250 something a month through SSDI. Of course this is not enough to even put food on the table and it is gone before it can even reach the bank. I feel like I should be able to offer more but society really does not want to give up the notion that disabled persons cannot be seen in the workforce -- especially in governmental offices. What would their own clientele think?

The saddest thing about all this is that most of us disabled persons have a perfectly good brain it is just that we are not given the opportunity to use it. I have a masters for goodness sake does that really mean nothing compared to my physical abilities. I got my bachelor's because everyone says you need it to succeed in life. I got my Master's because I thought I would have a better chance in life. Now, I am sitting here wondering why I put so much time money and effort into the degrees when I could have saved all that and made money on the streets or elsewhere. The degrees mean nothing -- I still am unemployed and told many times that I am over-qualified for a job. I have a family I should be helping to support and yet here I am at home sitting on my computer instead of going to work 9 to 5 Monday through Friday.

This was not supposed to happen, not to me, I am educated. I am the educated poor. I live in poverty.

Life goes on!