Yoda Remembers

Yoda Remembers

There has never been much written about Yoda’s mother, but she was one damn hostile Jedi, and, as far as anyone can tell, she was the very first to discover the Dark Side of the Force.

“So, kick your little butt I will, hmmm?”

Young Yoda pleaded, “Come on, Mom. Give me a break, will ya?”

“Break your neck I will, yes?”

“No, Mom. You’re supposed to be kind and understanding.”

“Understand your kind, I do. Take after your father, that’s what. Just like him, you are, yes?”

“Who was my father?”

“Guess, you can not? In the mirror look, young Jedi. See his face staring back at you, you will, yes? Hate him I do! Brings out the Dark Side, he does.”

“But Mom, he taught you the ways of The Force. How could you hate him?”

“He taught me nothing! It was I who taught him! Taught him the real power of The Force, I did.” She waved her rolling pin about. “Left me with nothing, he did. Nothing but you, yes?”

“I must know who my father is. Please tell me.”

“After your training, you shall know him, hmmm? Seek him on the planet of Tatooine, you will. That is all I can tell you.”

Yoda’s ears perked up. “Tatooine? The desert world?”

“He is there, yes. Waiting, he is. Waiting for you.”

“Waiting for me? But how? Why?”

“Answer these questions, you will. In time...all will be understood, yes? Back to your lessons with you. Focus!” The orange-furred mother approached him. “Attack you I will. Defend yourself without seeing me, yes?” She covered his head with an old potato sack.

“No, Mom! Not that again!”

“Feel the Force, Yoda. All around you it is, inside you.”

“No, Mom, please!”

She came at him swiftly and smacked the side of his head with the rolling pin. There was a discernible thump.

“Ow, Mom! Jeez! That hurt!”

“Let loose your feelings, Yoda, yes? Anticipate my every move, hmmm?”

Yoda tried to cover up his head with his hands and arms. There was another loud thump.

“Ow!”

***

Meanwhile, on the planet of Tatooine . . . .

“Soon he will come. I can sense it.”

“But Master, he does not even know who you are.”

“Nevertheless, he will come.”

The worm-shaped creature moved back into the shade of his cave, protecting himself from the heat of the double suns. He laughed heartily then continued to look for something to eat. He was always hungry but realized he would soon have all the food he could ever want when he became ruler of this planet. He felt happy. His son was coming.

***

She came at him again, but this time Yoda removed the potato sack and was just barely able to dodge her attack.

“Good. Learning you are, yes? Never fight with a bag over your head, hmmm?”

“But you told me to wear it, Mom!”

“It was a stupid Jedi Mind Trick.” She waved her hand at him. “Now put the sack back on, yes?”

Yoda rubbed the bumps and knots on his little skull. “No, Mom! Forget it!”

She swung at him again. But this time Yoda did a forward flip and sailed through the air to safety.

“Yes . . . learning you are, hmmm?”

“Yeah, I’m learning that you’re one crazy old bat with a rolling pin.”

“Your training is almost complete. Now you must learn to talk like an idiot, yes?”

“What do you mean?”

“You must learn to talk like me, hmmm?”

“No, Mom, not that!”

Two weeks later . . . .

“Take you I will to Tatooine.”

“You mean my training is over?”

She quickly lashed out and smacked his ear.

“Ow! I mean, my training is over, yes?”

“Yes. It is over you little bug-eyed hairless green turd.”

“Thanks, Mom. Thanks for everything, yes?”

They both donned their rough Jedi gunny-sacks with itchy hoods and boarded a Star Cruiser for Tatooine. In a matter of days, they were planet-side.

“So, where do we begin to look, Mom, huh?”

“In the mountains and caves, we will find him, yes.”

They searched for two days. Finally, on the third day, they were captured by Sand People.

“Take us to your Master, yes?” Yoda’s mom easily bent the Sand People to her will. They were soon brought before Jabba the Hutt.

“Haw, haw, haw, haw, haw,” boomed Jabba’s deep voice. “You have come at last.”

Yoda and his mother stood before the ruler of the planet. They slowly pulled their hoods back revealing their identities. “Yes, Jabba, come we have.”

“Mabel! Long time Jabba no see. How you been my little minx?”

“You? You’re my father?” screamed Yoda.

“Yes, Yoda. I am your father. Haw, haw, haw, haw . . . .”

“No! It’s not possible! You . . . you’re huge! How could you mate with my mother?”

Jabba ignored the youth. “Come here, Mabel. Let Jabba hold you once again. Come to Daddy.”

Yoda’s mom climbed up on the large lap of Jabba the Hutt.

“Never I could stay mad at you, Jabba, yes?”

Jabba ruffled her hair and began licking the entire length of her body with his four-foot tongue. Her orange fur became sopping wet and dripped with spit. He gently wrapped a white towel around her and then held her very close to him. Her eyes suddenly grew wide, and then she screamed like a lioness.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha . . . .” Jabba’s deep barreled laugh echoed throughout the cave.

“No!” yelled Yoda in disbelief. “This can't be! No! No . . . !” He ran from the cave in humiliation never again to mention his parents to anyone. It was then that he fully realized just how terrible The Dark Side could be and vowed to dedicate the rest of his life to the fight against it.