the thoughts of a troubled mind
|note:this is a true account and the characters in this story remain nameless for privacy-thank you
To those of you who know me, I'm sure at times you must think, jesus what lies beyond the surface of that dude's skull?
well my freinds this is for you.
My mind is a crazy place with thoughts running everywhere like a concrete jungle in my head.
One second I think of opptimistic and happy things but the next, depression seems to take over and all I want to do is die.
Alot of the time I think of mother mary, I try to think of her everyday as, for an hour affter her passing from my mind, I feel relaxed and confident, ready to take on the world.
However as time marches on the thoughts in my head become clouded again, and the insanity returns to me.
Recently, I have been very worried about the future at times.
For example I was meditating one evening and my mind wonderd to the future, (instead of letting my mind clear and think of nothing)
and became quite scared about keeping my job, and what I would do if I had to leave it, returning
to reality i found myself shaking quite badly, and my heart beating a million miles an hour.
I have been very busy latly since I left school I haven't had the time to reflect on my old freinds, the one's who mean more than the world itself to me.
For example one day at work I came in early and was told to comeback much later as I wasn't doing too well with my speed skills, thinking the worst I went to the mall, a place where I spent much of my time in between jobs.
as I wanderd around I rememberd a good and close friend was working so I called him and we had a ciggy before he started, and just caught up.
It filled me with such a sense of calm seeing someone who meant alot to me like he did that I walked away feeling calm and relaxed, I felt ready to go and give it my all and not leave till I was fired.
So in the last few days my thoughts go out to them, wondering how the're getting on, wondering with my now busy schedule when I will see them again.
Over the last few months they have been the one's to keep my thoughts from becoming to depressing and helping me to stay alive on my way to something better.
My freinds have such an impct on me because they are there for me, though I have only ever called one to tell them how I really felt, and my thoughts go out to her as well.
Last month I had to leave my job as an apprentice chef for reasons of travel.
I became depressed again and convinced myself I wanted to die.
Come on, I said to myself, you really are hopeless you know that don't you? there's not much point in you sticking around.
I mean all your going to do is depress people by telling them all your worries, and who wants that?
You know there's somthing better for you but it's not here on earth.
At that point I reached in the kitchen drawer, removed the bread knife and slit my wrists.
I am still here because Thoughts of my family flooded into my head like a dam being burst and I realised that I was just being stupid, why if nothing else, I had my family to live for.
Then the thoughts of my freinds entered my head, thinking would they have listened to you when you told them your worries if they didn't care I think not.
So family do occupy my thoughts sometimes and it's always good when they do as I usually feel better affterwards and I even think happy thoughts for a while.
During the last two weeks my life has taken an upturn and I am pulling myself back together mentally speaking.
I have come from feeling the worst I have ever felt for no good reason to feeling (largely through meditation) like a new man.
Each day I think good, happy, thoughts and am feeling a lot better about myself.
I hope I can use this part of my life to help other people who are going through the same sort of things as I have been through, to tell them that no matter how bad things get there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am currently taking medication and that has improved me, simply, beyond words
please leave a comment or rating if you wouldn't mind as I always appreciate feed back.
Thank you for reading this and I hope it has left you thinking-Roberto