Comedic resignation letter written for Writer's Cramp.
|To Whom It May Concern,
I am resigning my position effective immediately because I no longer like this job. I am not pursuing any other opportunities, I plan on sitting home and collecting unemployment for a while. Before I leave, I have several comments about the organization I would like to share with you in hopes of improving things for future employees.
First, little work is being accomplished here. My fellow employees spend their time whispering and gossiping about each other instead of working. You seem to overlook this so perhaps you don't mind but I thought I'd point it out. Their main topic of gossip is your wardrobe. You can see through most of it and what's underneath is not pleasant. Perhaps you should invest in a brassiere to hike the girls up a bit.
My second complaint is your lack of attention to your subordinates. If we are going to pretend to do your job for you, the least you can do is acknowledge us occasionally. For the past three months I've been disgruntled. I've arrived late for work and left early with no comment from you. I sleep at my desk half the day, the drool rings should clue you in that this is a frequent occurance. My lunch hour has stretched to include breakfast and an afternoon snack. Still again, you seem to overlook this lack of productivity.
My fear that you didn't review the reports I work so hard to assemble was confirmed last month. Instead of including the actual company financials, I wrote the word "boob" in every other column. In case you happened to miss this little prank, I made the font bold. You didn't comment, nor did the Vice President of Financial Affairs. I suppose someday, some other employee might be handed this report as an example to follow. I hope he is as creative as I.
In closing, I am certain you will discover the file cabinet filled with rotten eggs sometime soon. It hasn't been opened in ages, yet there it stands held together by dust and cobwebs. I have no idea how this company remains in business, perhaps it is still being funded by the $5000 toilet seats we sold to the government in 1986.