What Does It Mean?

another instalment of my Bronwyn short stories

I looked over at Laurel and gave her a strained smile.

"What's up, Bronwyn?" she asked reaching over to take my hand.

"What does it mean?" I began tentatively. I was never very good at expressing myself, particularly when things really mattered. I could feel my heart pounding as I handed over the note William had sent me.

She read it and smiled, then glanced up into my face. Her own smile dimmed. "You love him, don't you?"

"I do, but...." I let my voice trail off. "I don't.... I don't know." I let my head drop to the table not wanting to see the confusion on her face.

Her chuckle brought me upright, my eyes wide with disbelief. How could she be laughing at me?

"Bronwyn, you seem to forget I have seen the two of you together many times over this past year. You are both so in love it's almost sickening, but it's also frustrating too because you don't seem to want to give yourself over to it."

"I don't want to lose myself like I have in the past.... I was a shell of myself...."

"Does William make you feel trapped when you read these words," she waved the note about before saying, "Words he has penned so eloquently, I might add. If I got a love note like this I would be swooning."

"No, but....

"Then there are No Buts, Bronwyn. William has watched you come and go this past year and not once has he objected to your flights of fancy, has he?"

I shook my head. When I opened my mouth to protest that things could change, she cut me off.

"If that happens you can tell him your mind. I've heard you do it already."

"I can in the beginning, but as soon as I feel entrenched in a relationship I give way.... to keep the peace."

"And who's peace is that? Don't answer that right away. A healthy relationship broaches these subjects and each of you are honest with your feelings. I have seen you both adapt and compromise over the course of this year. William went to Italy to see you over his semester break. He met your family. That was big. He told me he was terrified."

"He did?

"He wanted to make a good impression and since you greatly admire your aunt and uncle, he was even more nervous about it."

"And they loved him."

"They did. I told him to be himself. To trust the process."

That cracked the smile in me. It was true. When William had said he had no skills when it came to fixing anything, I thought my uncle would aspire and so did William. But then my uncle had laughed and said 'well, not everyone could be perfect, but he could accept an honest man.' That moment alone had seemed to solidify their relationship. William would try and my uncle would take great merriment in William's foibles, but he would also appreciate that William could match him on several more intellectual topics.

Her uncle's "I like him" had warmed her to her toes.

"Trust your heart, Bronwyn. You deserve this. You both do. You're not the same young impressionable ninny you once told me about. You'd fight for what you want and so would he."

I nodded. This past year had given me a lot of things. Strength and faith being a big part of it. I had come to learn that I could stand on my own two feet and that I was able to sustain myself. I didn't need a man, but it was nice to have one around, especially if he loved me as William did.

"He loves you in a way that inspires and uplifts. There is no ball and chain here, only love, admiration and respect for you as a person. All you have to do is take the leap and he''ll be there to catch you.... if fact, he'll leap with you and you'll catch each other."

"That doesn't even make sense," I said laughing as she shrugged.

"You know what I mean, though. You're in this thing together. Could you really go back to Canada and never see him again?"

"No, I couldn't." I knew that down deep in my bones. William had become so very important to me. If I thought I would never see him again, I found it hard to breathe. Just thinking about it had me pulling in a shaky breath. I let it out slowly as I looked over to see Laurel grinning at me.

"I think that answers that question." Laurel's grin sparkled with merriment before she added, "Now let's consider your career and financial situation."

I groaned and she laughed outright.

"Your said you want ed to be financially stable and not have to go back to teaching high school. Do you think you are at a place where you could do that?"

That was the real question. I did not want to be financially dependent on my partner. I had in the past for a time and it had set a persistent for feeling less... even when I began making as much than by ex. He had held it over me and I resented it long before things had gotten worse with him. His traditional expectations had nearly drown me.

I shook off those thoughts and considered the here and now. I hadn't had to dive into my nest egg all that much as of late. Money was trickling in from my editing jobs and my blogging. The wee course I had offered had also been a success and I was thrilled to consider offering more like it if I stayed on and didn't go home to Canada. Going home opened up a gapping hole. I'd have to give all this up. Teaching did not give me the leeway to write and produce the way I had been over the last year. And I was happy with the progress I was making. It was slow, but steady and William and Laurel had been helpful and encouraging when I tried something new and risky.

Even my own writing had blossomed and I was seriously on the verge of self publishing it.

"I'm doing okay," I told her with a touch of trepidation in my voice.

"Okay? You are rocking it woman! Would you want to give up all the progress you've made and go back to a steady paycheck and another decade before you publish your book?"

I took another steadying breath and met her gaze head on.

"In the last year you have made contacts and built a following. Can you honestly say you can keep that up if you go back to teaching?"

I wanted to, but if I was honest with myself I knew I couldn't.... and I would be so alone. Thoughts of William niggled at my mind. I would lose him forever and that felt overwhelming oppressive.

"I couldn't," I admitted.

"Could you take another year? Or would you be willing to take the leap and go for it?"

Another deep shaky breathe had me considering her words and my options.

I was not all that surprised when my phone tinged with a text from William himself.

Can we Zoom?

Just looking at that text had me calming down. There was something about him that seemed to settle me and I knew talking to him was my best option.

When the Zoom link connected I felt a mixture of pleasure and calm serenity.

It didn't take long for us to get to the heart of the matter.

"You know what I want, Bronwyn. I want you as my life partner. I'd even go back to Canada with you if that's what you really wanted."

His words thrilled and terrified me. I'd be disrupting his life, but the fact that he was willing to do that, gave me a thrill that skittered through my body like fireworks.

"I have faith in you," he went on. "If you stayed here and really wanted to teach. we could get you a visa permit. But you're writing can sustain you. I have faith in that."

His faith, his love, his devotion and commitment to me overwhelmed me. I began to cry.

"Oh lass, please don't cry. It kills me that I can't be there and hold you. If I could be there by your side through all of this, I'd be there in a heartbeat."

And I knew with every fiber of my being that he meant every word as surely as his next breath.

"Can I see you this weekend? he asked. "I can leave right after class."

I laughed, tears still in my eyes. I knew he'd do too, Drive all night if he had to.

"No," I said. "I'll come to you. We need to talk, and it can't be done over a Zoom call, or in a letter, no matter how fancy it was. I want to do this together."

I watched his smile bloom on his face.

The man truly was so gorgeously perfect. and he was mine if I wanted him. And I wanted him. so much so it stole my breath



Word Count = 1541 words.