Here I Am. Send Me.--Chapter Thirty-Two

As Claire's story winds toward a close, the first part of the secret is revealed.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

         PRESENT DAY

         The story, so far, created far more questions than answers. Evelyn didn’t know where to begin. So, she didn’t. She waited in silence for Claire to start talking again. The older woman lifted Brutus up into her lap. She stroked the tiny dog and stared into space.

         Chris spoke. “Where is your granddaughter now?” The tentative note in his voice evinced how afraid he was of the answer.

         Claire ignored the question and continued. “The lies had a hold of us and wouldn’t let us go. After the baby was born, we were trapped. I knew that the truth had to come out. I didn’t make enough money to take care of myself, Courtney, and the baby. Courtney needed to get a job. The stress of the lies and being a captive and the responsibility of caring for a child were beginning to wear her down.”



         SEVEN YEARS AND THREE MONTHS PREVIOUS

         “Momma, I can’t do this!”

         “Honey, you don’t have to.” This conversation was now a part of their daily life.

         But this time, Courtney stayed silent for a moment before saying. “Adoption?”

         Claire was taking even more shifts to pay for the extra bills which were piling up since she couldn’t risk putting the baby on insurance or taking her to the hospital where she worked and getting the discount. She latched onto the change like a lifeline. “Yes. Find your daughter a good home with good people, who would take care of her and give her a family with a father and a mother. And then you could get on with your life, and no one would ever know.”

         “I don’t care about that.” Her daughter’s words came out without any force.

         “Then focus on what’s best for your child and getting your life back.” Claire tried not to sound desperate. But it had been months, and she was so tired.

         “Josey’s about to have a baby. Everybody knows about her.”

         The sudden topic change made Claire have to stop and think. “Josey and Cal are married. It wasn’t…” Her voice trailed off.

         “A mistake?”

         Claire glanced over at the crib which she had bought in Huntsville. In for a penny… “Yes, a mistake.”

         The expected emotional outburst didn’t come. Courtney stepped over to the crib and looked down at the sleeping baby. “If I give her up for adoption, I’ll never see her again.”

         “I know.”

         Courtney wordlessly went to her bedroom and took advantage of the rare quiet to try and get in a nap.

         The baby awoke within minutes, screaming for her mother.



          PRESENT DAY

         Claire was ignoring Evelyn and Chris and just talking.

         “It didn’t take a PhD to know that Courtney was suffering from post-partem depression. It wasn’t getting better over time and Courtney was a wreck. I stayed home with the baby on Sunday mornings to give Courtney a chance to fellowship with her church family. I told everyone that I was being forced to take Sunday shifts. More lies.

         “I worried that maybe Courtney’s spending so much time with Josey was making matters worse. Josey had the history of mental illness and, according to Rachel, the girl saw and talked to things that weren’t there. And Josey being pregnant with Cal’s child couldn’t help Courtney’s state of mind. They had so much in common and Courtney couldn’t talk about it. She had no one to talk to but me. And I failed.

         “I was able to find her a therapist in Bellevue, which was on the other side of the city. I wasn’t worried about any secrets getting out, so I was able to submit it to my insurance. Seeing a therapist has become almost a status symbol to y’all’s generation. No one had to know the diagnosis.

         “The insurance from the hospital was garbage and it only covered a small amount of the costs for the therapy and that was after I paid the $6,000 deductible. And now the therapist was recommending medication, and they were waiting for an opening for Courtney to see a psychiatrist. I didn’t know how I would pay for it all.”

         Chris, Evelyn, and Brutus all jumped when Claire brought her hand down hard on the table. This was followed by a gasping sob. She leaned forward and her shoulders bobbed up and down as silent tears made their way down her cheeks. Chris leaned over and placed his hand on her shoulder.

         “No!” She screamed and slapped his hand away. Brutus fell from her lap to the floor. “Don’t pity me or console me, Pastor. I don’t deserve either. This story isn’t finished.”

         Chris and Evelyn could do nothing but wait for Claire to get a grip on herself and begin again.

         “A little less than a year after my granddaughter was born, Cal and Josey had Leyla. The seemed happy and something about that broke my daughter. She had never been good with people but now she became angry and mean. When I asked her about it, she just said, He doesn’t deserve this. I tried to get her to tell me more, but she wouldn’t.”



         SEVEN YEARS PREVIOUS

         Claire’s phone rang, waking her up from a rare decent sleep. The clock on the phone told her it was 8:15 PM. She had another two hours before she had to get ready for work. If this is some telemarketer, heaven help them.

         “Hello?”

         “Miss Claire?” The strained voice was Cal’s. There was a lot of background noise.

         “Cal. What’s wrong?”

         “Probably nothing. But Josey’s been having some problems lately…” He paused to let her connect the dots. Josey was back under a psychiatrist’s care after a recent setback.

         “I understand. What do you need?”

         “I’ve been trying to call her all day. I always try and call every three hours. She answered at nine o’clock this morning and seemed pretty normal, but she hasn’t answered since.”

         “Have you called your mother?”

         There was a pause. “Ma might not be the best one to check on Josey right now.” That didn’t need any more detail. Claire understood.

         “Do you want me to go over and check on her?”

         “If you could, please. I won’t be able to sleep tonight if I don’t know that she’s okay.”

         “Where are you?”

         “I’m in a truck stop just west of Little Rock. I’ll be home tomorrow.”

         “I’m on my way.”

         She rolled out of bed, put on her nurse’s scrubs, and headed for the front door.

         “Momma? Is that you?” Courtney’s whispered voice came from her bedroom. The baby must be asleep.

         Claire returned the whisper. “Yes, dear. I’ve got an errand to run before my shift. I’ll see you in the morning.”

         She trotted out to the car and visualized what she was likely to find when she got to Cal and Josey’s apartment. The most likely was that she would find that Josey’s psychiatric medicine had knocked her out and she had been sleeping all day. Other options played out in her mind as she made the short drive down Central Pike to the former hotel that had been turned into apartments where the young couple lived.

         The parking lot was full, but she found a spot near the stairs up to the apartment. She made her way to the door and knocked.

         “Josey? Are you home?”

         She waited and heard nothing from inside. Another option ran through her mind, maybe Josey had taken the baby and left. With the new trucking job, Cal was gone most of the time. But they always seemed so happy together. She shook the idea from her head and knocked more loudly.

         “Josey! It’s Claire. Open the door, please.”

         Cal had given her a key for emergencies which she had never used. She slipped it into the lock and turned the cylinder. She pushed the door ajar and stuck her face through the opening. The smell of old diapers hit her. She coughed and then coughed again.

         “Josey? Can I come in?”

         Noises from surrounding units filled the night, but nothing stirred in Josey’s. The floor squeaked when she took her first step. The apartment only had two rooms: the combination living area/kitchen and one bedroom.

         “Josey?” She called out again as she noted the detritus piled high in the kitchen sink and the odor of sour garbage mixing into the diaper smell. A glance to her right showed her that the bathroom was empty.

         “Josey?” Her voice came out as a dry rasp, and she haltingly took step after step toward the bedroom door. Still no sound.

         She found them on the floor in the bedroom.

         Josey was leaning up against the crib, clutching Leyla to her chest, and staring into space. She had chewed her lower lip, and a line of combination spittle and blood ran down her chin. Claire dropped to her knees and felt Josey’s pulse. It was strong but rapid at 200 beats per minute. Josey didn’t move or react to her touch.

         As she was getting the pulse, Claire’s elbow touched baby Leyla’s skin. It was cold.