A New Leaf

Jane tries to make a new life out of an old one ruined by alcohol

The young woman paid the taxi driver and stepped from the car. She looked up at the faceless, grey building. I can't believe I’m doing this.

The staff at the facility were friendly enough as they searched her baggage. Jane’s face flushed with embarrassment as they carefully inspected her clothing for any contraband before escorting her to the room where she’d be spending the next few weeks. Giving a cursory glance around the small space, at the institutional green paint work and bare walls, she dropped her bag.
When she was alone, she threw herself on the bed, covering her head with the thin pillow. “Oh, God,” she groaned.

The following three days were a blur, a passage of time which made Jane acutely aware of the hold alcohol had on her as she battled the effects of going cold turkey. Despite medication, she suffered withdrawal symptoms; fevers, cold chills, stomach pains. Extreme anxiety plagued her throughout the long days.
“Jane, can I have a word?” The doctor came into her room. I have your blood test results.”
She saw the bad news written in his eyes, “Not good then?” she asked.
After he’d left, she lay staring at the ceiling, So this is what they call rock bottom. He had told her straight that her life in danger if she didn’t stop drinking.

**

Jane’s sponsor, Matthew, from Alcoholics Anonymous called her; his voice always gave Jane comfort.
“Hi Jane,” Matthew greeted her, “It’s great you’ve decided to try rehab. I’ve had an idea, how about I come and sign you out for a couple of hours on Sunday? There’s someone I’d like you to meet”
Matthew had been there for her for over a year now, ever since she’d found the courage to go to her first meeting. After the meeting he’d asked if she needed a sponsor and offered his help. “Call me whenever you want, I’m always on the end of the phone,” he’d told her.

**

They drove out into the countryside; the weather was perfect, and the fields were aglow with masses of yellow canola flowers.
“Where are you taking me?” Jane asked, as they drove further away from the city.
“You’ll see,” Matthew smiled, pointing out the spring lambs, the blue sky, and the smell of eucalyptus, but in her depressed frame of mind, Jane was unable to appreciate anything.
At last they pulled in to a farm gate. The tyres crunched to a halt outside a sprawling farmhouse. A young woman came out to greet them. “Mat! You found us.” Giving him a warm smile, she pecked him on the cheek. “You must be Jane?” she nodded to his passenger. “I’m Lizzy,” she said, holding her hand out to give Jane a firm handshake. “Matthew told us he’d bring you for a visit. He mentioned you loved horses?” She took in Jane’s pale face and almost dead eyes. “Come on, I’ll take you to the stables.”
Lizzy led the way across the yard, Jane and Matthew followed her, ducks and geese scattering noisily. As they neared a grey stone building, Jane heard horses snorting in the stable.
“Lizzy runs classes in equine therapy, it was she who suggested time with horses may be helpful to you,” Matthew said.
“That’s Black Velvet,” Lizzy said as she continued to walk past the half-open stable door. “He’s very unsettled, we think he’s been ill-treated. He’s only been with us a week, not very sociable, I’m afraid.” Lizzy moved on. ”I’ll show you our new foal, he’s gorgeous.”
But Jane had stopped, she was stroking Black Velvet’s face, his long eyelashes were closed against her hand as she stroked him gently. It was as if he knew a fellow sufferer, someone who needed something more than words.
Lizzy turned in amazement at the sight of Jane and the previously angry horse communicating in such a way. “I can’t believe it!” she exclaimed, staring at the scene, “no one has been able to get near him.”
Jane smiled for the first time in what seemed forever, resting her forehead on Black Velvet’s face.

The weeks dragged by in rehab, Jane’s son Brad came to say goodbye. She’d known he was going to visit and had tried with her appearance, wanting to appear normal. But inside she felt far from it.
“Thanks for coming, darling. I was worried I wouldn’t see you before you flew out.”
“I need to be at the airport at seven in the morning. Dad’s taking me.”
“I’m so proud of you, joining the military is something you’ve always wanted. You’ll be amazing” Jane squeezed his hand. ‘I’m determined to be well enough to see you graduate. I promise.” Her eyes filled with tears she could see by the doubt in his eyes he didn’t believe her promises any longer.

Matthew took her out to Lizzy’s farm a few more times to visit the horses. The peace she found there never failed to amaze her, even cleaning out the stables calmed her.
“Have you spoken to your husband yet?” he asked her driving back to the rehab.
Jane sighed before she answered. “Sam says he still loves me but he’s not promising anything, says I’ve hurt him too much.” She gave a cry of frustration. “I’m trying, Mat, I just need another chance.”
‘It’s a long journey, Jane.” Matthew removed one hand from the steering wheel and touched her hand, “Be patient. One step at a time.”

At one of the many mandatory group sessions, Jane realised all the stories she was forced to listen to day after day were the same, with no one taking personal responsibility.
“Just stop!” Jane stood up. ”It’s time we all started to take the blame and stop blaming others or circumstances. “We’re weak pathetic characters. All of us!”
She left the room, angry with herself, the rest of the group and with life.

**

Following the directions Lizzy had given her, still doubtful she was doing the right thing, she turned off the highway. Jane listened to the authoritative voice of the GPS, willing to let someone else guide her through the unfamiliar area.
The sun warmed her skin, pale after being in the closed confines of the rehabilitation facility. She breathed in the fresh air which streamed through the open window, each mile taking her away from everything familiar.
Free and with a sudden surge of exhilaration, she sped down the country road. It had been Lizzie who’d suggested to Jane that when she eventually left rehab, spending some time at this Buddhist centre, might do her good.
The nuns were expecting her, along with others, for the spring retreat. Jane knew little other than the retreat was a silent one.
You have reached your destination the voice of the GPS announced.
Jane turned off the engine and sat in her car, noticing the gardens surrounding the car park, colourful with the blooms of spring. She released a breath and leaned back, turning her head from side to side relieving the tension from the long drive.
Gathering her courage, she collected her luggage from the back seat and walked to the imposing building’s front door. A sign on the door reminded visitors to remove their footwear before entering. Removing her sneakers without untying the laces, Jane opened the massive wooden door, the vast interior made her gasp.
The underlying smell of incense and a large statue of the Buddha were the first things she noticed, and the dozens of multi-coloured cushions scattered on the highly-polished parquetry-tiled floor.
“Greetings, you are very welcome,” a voice startled Jane. She spun around to see a woman dressed in brown robes; her head shaved.
“Oh, hello, I didn't hear you come in. I'm Jane. I'm here for the retreat.”
“Welcome my dear.” The old nun took her hand in both of hers. “Let me show you to your accommodation.”
Jane followed her to a small cabin where the nun turned to leave her.
“Thank you. What do I have to do now?” Jane asked, still unsure of why she was even here.
“Settle in, rest for a while. Meditation is at seven pm and then supper. That's when you will meet the rest of the sisters and the other guests who will soon be arriving.

The cabin’s white walls were unadorned, save for a picture of Buddha. The room contained a single bed, covered by a patchwork quilt, a dressing table with a mirror, an overstuffed arm chair completed the furnishings. Another door led to a tiny bathroom. The cabin seemed to welcome her and although it was so quiet, didn't make her feel alone or lonely. She lay on the bed and closed her eyes.

The sound of a gong woke her from a deep sleep. At first, Jane didn't know where she was, until remembering, she looked at her watch, surprised to see she'd slept for two hours.
She found her way across to the main building and entered the huge hall. Brown-robed nuns knelt on the wooden floor in front of the Buddha, two other people sat on the cushions behind the nuns, one of them a man around her age and the other an older lady, her long, grey hair hung over her lined face. Jane whispered an apology as she herself knelt. The elderly nun who had greeted her earlier, began to chant, the others joining the chanting. Afterwards the nun introduced herself as Sister Uma and welcomed the three guests.

“Mr Michael Armstrong, Mrs Jane Langham and Mrs Karen Jenison will be staying with us. I hope you all find peace here with the order.” Sister Uma smiled at the three visitors. “Morning prayers and meditation begin at 4:00 AM. You are all welcome to join us.
4am! I don't think so.
“After supper you will retire to your rooms and silence will commence. Our beautiful gardens are at your disposal.
The nuns rose from their knees silently and in single file trooped from the room. Sister Uma gestured for the guests to follow her.

Supper was a vegetarian meal, which Jane ate quickly, not realising how hungry she'd been. The three strangers sat together and chattered, each telling the others why they came to be at the retreat, Jane deciding she wouldn't divulge too much about herself. Michael spoke in a quiet voice and Jane could see pain behind his wide smile, knowing there was a story there but one he wasn't willing to share. Karen told them she often came to the retreats. She enjoyed the company of the nuns. After supper they said their goodnights and left to go their separate ways.
Jane closed her cabin door, wondering if she needed to lock it. She prepared for bed, still unsure how she would react to three days of silence. I can still speak to myself, I suppose.
Lying in the narrow bed, her thoughts turned to Sam and their broken marriage, still unable to comprehend that the man she had married over 20 years ago could simply walk away, leaving her to fend for herself. She thought about her children, Brad, who she still hadn't received any word from since he left weeks ago to join the army, and her daughter Tilly, away at college, knowing they had all turned their backs on her hurt so much.
Jane closed her eyes. Moonlight shone through the small window, and an owl in the tree outside her cabin called. Instead of it making her melancholy, she decided he was attempting to soothe her soul. “There is something magical about this place,” she whispered For months she'd felt separate, reclusive, and lonely. Now, for the first time for so long, she relaxed. Closing her eyes, she listened to the call of the owl and the warble of a solitary magpie and slept.




Written for 'What a Character.'

Words 1991