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Bare and uncensored personal expression. Beware!!! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me." --- Colleen Wainwright "Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it." --- David Sedaris "Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment." --- Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey "In giving of myself onto these pages every day I allow myself to write regardless of the depth and meaning. I share myself with others without fear of recrimination for these are my thoughts, my feelings and my very being, and there are non who's opinion of me matters more than my own." --- Rebecca Laffar-Smith   The Writer's Round-About |
| I started out feeling fairly willing to be productive this morning. I got a couple of things accomplished and then went out around 11AM to run more errands and go out for lunch with my mother. We returned after picking up Kaylie from school and I thought I'd get back to work but I couldn't bring my focus into hand, again. I was also frustrated because I wanted to buy the new Sims 2 Expansion: Pets. For some reason it's a rip off on eBay and with the rainy/stormy weather we're having at the moment I couldn't walk up to the shop. I eventually started digging and found out I can download it directly from EA for cheaper than buying a disk version so that's what I ended up doing and then I spent a few hours playing it this evening. I have to say they've made some incredibly brilliant improvement with their pets since The Sims and The Sims Online. I love the way you can train them now, instead of having to do it manually running your sim back and fourth you just pick the training you want and they do the necessary things themselves. You have to praise and scold them for doing certain things to train them as well. Your pets can also get a job. *chuckles* My dog Maxx is fully trained and he's a Movie Star.  Lassie-style.  He's brilliant now but as a puppy it took some work getting him trained and housebroken. Thankfully I picked a smart dog from the pound so he was easy to raise.I really enjoy the added challenge having pets gives the games. At the moment my focus is on Maxx who's the cherished pet of an aging couple. My main sim is a politician who's just been promoted to Judge. She's career and dog focused, even her husband is more of an afterthought. There were never any plans for having children. Now I'm trying to get her as fully promoted as possible. I'd also like to get her husband up the career ranks. Now I'm starting to wonder what I'm going to do when they start dying. *frowns* Maybe I should have them adopt a child at this point, it's important to secure a new generation. The other option would be to have the husband remarry after she dies. But by then it might be getting too late for procreation. Anyway, that's what I spent my evening doing. Playing video games and accomplishing very little. Still, it was good fun to kick back and take the pressure of having to do anything out of the equation. Tomorrow is soon enough to focus on the things I need to catch up on. Strange how earlier I was fussing about slow play rewind. *blushes* Guess I still take that procrastinator medal. |
Ok, so I've been slack and very, very naughty. Is that REALLY a WHOLE WEEK without a blog entry?  I'm sorry everyone and I'm sorry to myself. I fell off the blogville wagon on a serious low, felt bad about giving up Nano and since I'd written that last poor excuse for and entry and then not followed through the next morning. *sighs* It all just seemed to accumulate into a pit of 'Why bother?'At the moment I feel like my life is running on slow play rewind. You know how back in times long past you could rewind a video while watching it in slow play? It would go backward, really, really, slowly and you'd see people flying back up onto the top of buildings and chickens going back into eggs? Ok... Well um... It was a long time ago, I swear I didn't watch things like that too often. *chuckles* Anyway, that's what my life feels like at the moment. Every time I think I'm moving forward I'm falling further and further behind. There is so much I want to accomplish and a great deal of the time I'm making little to no progress and what I didn't do yesterday gets added to what I need to do today so the list just grows, and grows and grows until it topples on top of me crushing my spirit. I guess all I can really do is keep trudging onward. Focus on getting ONE thing done and do it. Then focus on the next thing, and the next and hope that eventually things are completed that I can knock off the list. The list mightn't get any smaller but perhaps I can keep up with it instead of going backwards. For me, focusing on a single task is actually rather difficult. You know this thing called multitasking? I'm so good at it that doing one thing at a time feels like doing nothing and I struggle to keep my mind on track. Maybe I've got a strange version of attention deficit disorder. *grimaces* But I feel like I run at my best when I'm challenging myself doing multiple things at once. Even at this moment while writing my blog I keep having to firmly insist I DON'T wander off and do some housework, open PSP to work on a logo, or start writing my Tennyson article, design the description of the Poetry Forms Seminar or Ponder Poetry, write some poetry or chat in scroll. All of these things are on my list to get done but if I'm doing them at this moment then I could not be finishing my blog. And that's where chaos stems really isn't it. Because I get distracted from each task by moving onto another before I finish and so none of them get completed. I also find that the logo for example is causing me issues because I haven't solved the problem of what to design. My head swirls trying to find the perfect idea and I browse hunting for images and inspiration and nothing triggers so I get frustrated that I'm wasting so much time and not getting anywhere. *sighs* I'm going around in circles. Meanwhile, the rest of my day has to get accomplished at some point. Lunch, post office, Kaylie from school, housework, etc. Those are just the things I HAVE to do. Everything else I accomplish lately seems to be a bonus. In a way I'm thankful not to have the pressure of NaNo on top of everything now. But I'm still disappointed in myself. I had such big plans and the project is a truly brilliant one but now I've lost the motivation to continue it. Then every few hours I wonder if maybe, just maybe I can take the week late and still manage to toss 50,000 words together for SOMETHING even if the end produce is a monsterous jumble of stringless plots that make no sense and vapid characters that are completely unlikable. Then I figure, "Why Bother"? *sighs* Back to where I started this blog aren't I? Irony of the slow play rewind. |
| So here is a place holder and I'll write a decent entry in the morning. Maybe. |
| OMG what a nightmare. Seriously this is a LOT harder than it would seem. I mean when you write fiction you can pull the details from your mind. When you step away from the make believe however and focus on real life things and places facts matter. I went into this thinking I could just write about the places I know and I realised that there is so much I DON'T know about the places I know. I've also realised that while I thought what I did know could cover a great many words I don't think it would be enough to write a book. Today I attempted to continue with my travels through Perth but while there are many other sights worth visiting I can't bring up personal recall of them and don't know enough about them to say much of interest. Obviously this book is going to require a great deal of research. I struggled over an hour and was on the point of quitting because I'd only forced 400 words onto the page. At this point it was toss it in or figure out a new strategy. I mean if I'm forcing words to the page and trying to struggle around research it's going to come out stilted, formal, and much like a tourist brochure. I don't really want my Travel Journal to turn into a tourist brochure. It's definately going to have a taint of that because it's focusing on tourist attractions, as a tourist, and gives off my awe and passion for this country. But I want to avoid sounding preachy. Of course some would probably say I'm over thinking the whole process. Just shut up and write, Bec. *chuckles* So eventually that's what I did. I gave up the research. I gave up trying to recall places that weren't coming to the surface and stopped trying to follow a specific route across the country. Instead I jumped around the sights I'd listed and spoke from the heart about places I remembered well and enjoyed. The remaining 1200 words came so much easier and the pressure of the writing dissipated into an enjoyment of the recalls. By the end, however, I was beginning to struggle again and I'm worried that in the first 2 days I've covered everything I KNOW and am left having to learn the rest. This is really the sort of book best written while on the road. If only I could take off for the month and do the touristy thing in the morning and then write about it in the evening. It would be a spoilt writer who could do that. It's a someday dream of mine and perhaps I'll have the opportunity to do that and so much more in the future. Meanwhile, I have 28 more days to slog through and I'm very worried I've run out of topic. I KNOW in that dark recess where reason can't be denied that it would be practically impossible to run out of words when discussing Australia. But the afraid, inner demons are working hard whispering in my ear. Perhaps I should recognize that if they're being so vocal it's because they're running scared which means I'm probably on the right track. *grins* |
| *collapses in a heap* Ok, I WASN'T prepared!!! I remember around mid October writing in my DWC that I didn't think I could do any more preparation for NaNo. I was wrong. There was so much I've had to research today as I was writing the first 1667 words that it's taken me about 4 hours to write day one. There is still a lot of research to be done as well and I'm a little concerned with the tone it seems to have taken. But that's my editor kicking in already when I need to just get the draft written. If it needs a complete rewrite then I'll face that when the time comes. At this point however I'm very pleased with the results of my first day. I reached my wordcount with time to spare before midnight. Not much time mind you, one minute till midnight now and I have to get a reasonable blog entry written but it's still a job well done. What's better is that the urge to procrastinate by loading up my Caesar game didn't rule me. I managed to focus on the novel and really sink my teeth into it. I can already tell my head is going to be swirling with this book this month. I've got details and places and maps and attractions spinning through my head. My mind is trying to plan routes and locations. I've discovered one things I desperately NEED this month is my UBD and I don't know where it is. Odds are I gave it to Paul at some point because I didn't have a car and figured I didn't need to know where things were. I know there is one online but finding the right locations on the online version is a nightmare. Thankfully I can probably borrow on, or maybe I'll just buy myself a new one. I've also discovered that there is a lot more in Perth that I've seen but not really considered. As I've looked up various places to talk about there are other attractions and I'm learning so much. It's making me want to visit the city again to check out all these fantastic sights. I've seen them, I mean I've probably walked past them all hundreds of times in my life but I didn't know that the Bell Tower was created to house bells that came from a 14th century church in England. I didn't know that Barracks Arch used to be a huge building and most of it was demolished to make way for the Mitchell Freeway. I mean I've lived in Perth all my life and I never knew that you can actually go up the stairs in London's Court and I'm trying to remember a time I ever actually went into the museum. Even my daughter has done that but I can't remember doing it myself. I've been inside the library and the gallery but I don't remember visiting the museum. All of these things I'm learning about my own city. It's making me want to take the kids and have another look at it all. I obviously will at some point and I'll take my camera with me so that I can add photographs to my book. Of course the problem is that this is just PERTH!!! I can actually visit Perth and explore these sights again however when I start journeying south I'll undoubtably want to visit everywhere I talk about and chances are I won't be able to, at least not this month. Perhaps I should plan and save to make a two week roaming holiday from Perth to Albany with my children. Anyway, after getting a late start I ended up having a ball writing the first day of National Novel Writing Month. I'm inspired and I really do think I'm onto a winner with this idea. It mightn't be in entirely the right tone but that's something that will settle in the more I write and that I can edit after the first draft is written. I even started writing quite late in the day since this morning our wine arrived. *chuckles* Some might remember that my mother and I ordered wine from Krching. It was FREE!!! *grins* Two cases, 12 bottles times 2, chardonney (white), and shiraz (red). We went around to our friend's house and opened one of each over a shared lunch with her and her husband. The wine is absolutely beautiful. It's still young so it's got that tangy fresh taste to it and I wonder what it will taste like when it's had a few years to mellow. I plan to make sure one or two bottles gets put away in a safe place so we'll have a chance to find out. My mother, who usually doesn't like wine, loved both the red and the white of Broken Shackle and had quite a bit of it. I drove home. *chuckles* But now I'll definately have to make sure I save some bottles or she'll find reasons to get throught both cases swiftly. Of course, I could always just order another two cases. *grins* FREE!!! Ok, the free sounds too good to be true. To tell the truth it FEELS free because we're buying them with points accumulated as bonus for milestones in the business. The case of wine retails for $195 and we paid 19,500 points per case, plus postage and GST. But even the postage and GST came out of bonus cash payouts we've recieved in our Krching business so out of our own pockets it cost us nothing. Well unless you consider the fact that it's a profit we aren't putting into our pockets that we could have. Still, for some incredible wine it's worth all that and more. Again and again I'm amazed at the great products and fantastic opportunity this business offers. I'm also using Ryemune which is an immunity booster and is already making a difference to my hayfever (after two days) and Helix which is a natural external healer which I've found does wonders for taking away the itch of flea or mosquito bites and while I've got no cuts or grazes to test it on myself others have told me it does wonders for improving healing rate. *chuckles* Ok, well I wasn't actually meaning to go off on a Krching tangent. Obviously the business excites me. *grins* But here is November 1st, here's to a great month ahead, at least 50,000 words by the end of it, a travel journal, and fingers crossed a second blue month. *cheers and clinks a wine glass* |
| Ohhh you know what I just realised? Looky over there on my little October calender!!! BLUE MONTH!!! Yes, an entry every day for the month of October. OMG OMG OMG I ROCK!!! Thanks to DWC which helped. I make no promises to have such long entries in November. Amidst the NaNo chaos I do plan to continue writing my blog daily, no sleep till it's written, but I will give myself permission to write single sentence or paragraph or lame entries. But then, that's not different from any other month. |
| Well it’s the final day of October. Actually here in my time zone it’s already the first of November because I’m running late. I’m tired and just want to go to bed but I’m here writing 850 words tonight, the final night of DWC and glad for it. I’m a little intimidated and excited about the launching of NaNo. It’s officially NaNoWriMo for me right this very minute actually so I could if I wanted to start writing my NaNo novel but that’s not something I’ll get into in the wee hours, especially since when I start writing I’ll probably get enthralled in the writing that I’d far surpass the 850 limit and forget about the fact that it’s already past bedtime. I’ve got yet another busy REAL LIFE day tomorrow. For some reason real life is inundating me at the moment which is a shame because besides my writing responsibilities and desires I’ve got that new game to play. Instead today I had a training meeting and tomorrow my sister is visiting in the morning. Hopefully she won’t stay long and I’ll have the opportunity to either play or get some work done in the afternoon. I did pretty well this evening. I finally completed an article for The Tools of Poetry Workshop. I realise now that the block was probably focusing on the wrong topic. For the past two weeks I’ve been trying to write about Simile and couldn’t get anything down. So I focused on what I needed to say and kept coming back to how important Simile is to imagery. Which I can’t discuss since I haven’t done a lesson on Imagery, or rather I hadn’t, because today I wrote and then posted a lesson on imagery. Talking about imagery this week opens me up to simile next week and metaphor the week after and I’m feeling much more confident about both of those lessons. It does however show me where failing to have a lesson plan and course outline hinders my ability to run this workshop. Both are on my to-do list and I will definitely have to move them to higher priority. Today I created in/outs so that members can suggest topics to cover and from those I’ll start planning an order for the workshop. I’ve already realise that some of the past eight weeks would have done better in different orders. Meter for example has a basic introduction but no detail and at the time it’s simply because the more detailed descriptions are for advanced classes. But I feel like imagery, simile, and metaphor could and perhaps should have been introduced sooner. Meter itself is an advanced concept. Beyond the Tools of Poetry Workshop I’m also working my way into the Poet of the Week Discussion and Form Poetry Seminar. Both are in their fledgling stages, lots of planning and intension but very little action. With these two I’m hoping to encourage others to offer essays to fill in the weeks. Part of what I’ve come to realise is that despite being a control freak I can’t do it all on my own. Not something of this magnitude. Some weeks I’ve faced the turmoil wondering why I’m bothering at all when there are at least two other courses available on WDC that will help people with their poetry. But then other days when I’m not in a low I realise the benefit and advantages of Persevering Poets Present above and beyond those courses. I should at some point write down those details since it would be good to reference them when I’m in a low and also be a great selling point for the group. I do now understand that to make Persevering Poets Present ALL it can be I’ll need to put some faith into existing members and delegate a little. It’s not something I can do on my own. I need help. Now the difficulty is deciding where people can help me and finding the right people to help in those areas. Still, it’s all progressing along. New memberships are slow, group participation is lax but we aren’t having members self deleting through lack of participation. Another concept I’d like to develop is a monthly or bi-monthly newsletter to kind of bring the group back into the focal point of all its members. I really want to encourage some discussion on the Ponder Poetry board, and get some back and forth with regularity. So many plans, so little time, but ultimately I believe I can make this group grow and flourish. That is of course, so long as I don’t give into fits of pique and delete the whole lot out of frustration. Thanks to my Bipolar these sorts of tendencies are not uncommon and while I try to avoid acting on those sorts of impulses sometimes I do regrettable things due to manic lows or highs. Thankfully along with my determination to make something out of PPP I’m focusing my energies on bring order into my chaotic life. Unfortunately, I am setting a poor example tonight being late to bed. |
| I’m tired and I was going to put off doing this tonight but I’ll be busy in the morning and might not have time. It feels silly to come so far to risk losing it in the final days. Now I just have to come up with 825 words. I had a pretty good day today. I was tired all day long but not as low as I was yesterday. Still, I didn’t get very much accomplished. After walking my daughter to school I walked over to my mother’s house and had breakfast. We were invited to a Party Plan so after having a chat together we went to that and enjoyed checking out all the lovely label kids clothes. We ordered a few items for the kids for Christmas and had a nice chat with the other ladies. When I got home I was looking forward to the mail arriving. The game I’ve been waiting for arrived with it today and I’ve been playing that all afternoon. Caesar IV is very much like version three. The major difference is the graphic advancements and in a way I’m not sure if that’s a benefit to the game or not. It’s certainly harder to move around the screen and to plan the placement of buildings. Buildings seem bigger on some angles then others and roads can go in all directions which leads to more city design chaos. I guess that also makes it more realistic. I’m so used to building linear cities that I’m finding this game harder. There is a slight learning curve from one version to this. I’m not sure what the range on various services is in this version and I also don’t know if they have affected routes like in version three. I do know that some of the services are now reversed. Where the market used to be home delivered via a route, households now go to the market to get their supplies. This actually makes it easier to place housing. What I have noticed is that things seem bigger. Housing starts in bigger segments instead of growing into them. Of course the buildings are bigger but in the scenario I just completed the map was smaller. So I had less area to make the city and it’s difficult to place things so that everything works as effectively as possible. Especially since I’m still working through the tutorial scenarios so there were other things that needed to be added well into game play. Still, while the game is intriguing it’s a bit of a let down after waiting a whole year for it. I heard about the creation in September last year and have held out while they finished making it. It’s only just been released and I put my order in last week so have been waiting eagerly for a week. I’ve enjoyed playing it but so far nothing seems spectacular or unique about it. Even the graphics aren’t really innovative since the same quality can be found in other games already available. It’s the kind of game I enjoy however. A simulation of building a city and having it work day in and day out. Focusing on making it prosperous and keeping the citizens happy with everything they need. I know with some more game time I’ll get better at placement and learn how to make things work most efficiently and that will enhance my enjoyment. At this stage I struggle to keep liquid assets since debt makes Caesar very displeased. I don’t like building up a monumental city only to have Rome’s armies come and obliterate it because I displeased our ruler. It’s challenging which is a huge benefit but for some reason computer games haven’t held me in thrall recently as they were apt to do in the past. Perhaps it’s because I come to realise that while playing them I’m not growing or furthering my dreams and desires. They’re a great way to procrastinate and a good way to distract my mind in the short term but ultimately after hours of playing I’m right back where I was before I started. Tonight on TV there was an rather coincidental episode of a cop show. It was based on a murder investigation and trial of three teenage kids who ran over and then kicked to death a woman. The twisting point and their defence was that they were re-enacting a game as if they were still playing. That ultimately the computer game warped their mind so completely that they could no longer tell reality from virtuality. Obviously they lose, jury declaring them guilty. I’ve played various video games for years and while playing you can lose yourself in the game and get wrapped up with it. But when you step away from the screen reality comes blaring back at you. I don’t know how anyone could contrive the instance that either could become enmeshed, it’s simply not feasible. |
| Today I had an interesting experience. A few weeks ago my mother and I booked an appointment to have our Aura photographs taken. However, yesterday evening I came down heavy on a serious low mixed with a headache that could rival the pounding drums of war. I slept late and woke up feeling wrung out and miserable. Ultimately I knew it was a bad mood to be in when having these types of photographs taken. Such a serious negative mood affects every part of my soul and I knew it would overwhelm my aura leading to a biased photograph. My mother however was interested to know how it would turn out so we went along and had it done anyway. Hopefully we’ll be arranging an Aura Photo Party in the next couple of months and I can have another taken then to see the changes between a good mood and a bad one. Anyway, as expected the photograph came back with serious red burnishing. In fact it’s interesting to know that there must be something too this strange aura photography claim that it managed to pick out so clearly that something was very wrong. A part of me has sometimes wondered if it’s just a normal photograph and they smudge colour over it however it happens but obviously this isn’t the case because the picture seemed to pick up exactly what was going on with me at the time it was taken. Still, I’m disappointed to have had a picture done while I was so low. It doesn’t really give an accurate reading of how I usually am. I knew I was out of balance and feeling the pressure of life at the moment. I understand a great deal about where my life is faltering at the moment and I know that time and effort will set it to rights again. Basically I didn’t learn anything today and I feel like I would have if I’d have been able to have a reading when I was feeling ‘normal’. After the session today I felt particularly emotional. I wanted to break down but I don’t feel like I have the freedom to do that. I also wasn’t really sure what I wanted to cry about. I think mostly it is just an overwhelming stress and feeling like I’m out of power. As if everything is just too much for me to bare. It’s strange because normally I’m doing so much better. My moods are completely out of rhythm and I suppose that’s why I’m feeling so bad. I can’t understand what has happened to my normal cycle, it’s in chaos and I feel like my whole life is out of my control when my moods do unexpected things. I used to have a low and know that in three days I’d be fine. I could plan around it and know that I’d be feeling up again in a few days. But now it’s chaotic, it’s not three days and sometimes when I think I’m coming into an up the next day I’m thrust back down there again. My mother suggested medication today. I turned the idea down but I’m starting to think maybe I shouldn’t. I’ve always managed without medication but these moods are affecting my life adversely. Perhaps it’s time to consider other ways of keeping it controlled. But then I consider the disadvantages of medication. I know that they dull the senses, they don’t so much control the mood and keep it stable but rather numb emotion completely. I know it will affect my ability to write. A low affects my ability to write as well but at least there are occasions of high when my writing flourishes. On medication I expect I’ll be ‘mellow’ constantly and that state is not effective for a writer. I also feel like if I resort to an external means to bring my life into order I’ll lose the power to do it myself. At the moment I know a great deal of why things are so bad. Primarily I’m not doing what I could to bring it back to balance. Strict routine, strict meals. Both of these things I know would help even out my swings. At the moment my focus is on getting my routine and meals back into order. Get my priorities straight and perhaps put aside the things I’m doing that I don’t have a heart for. I know there is a lot of what is important to me I keep putting aside. When it comes to my writing there are parts of it I will continue to put aside because for the moment getting my physical body and my home and family back into a smooth system is more important. When all that is working the rest comes easier with less worry and stress. |
| Ok, so I’m feeling absolutely awful. I slept through last night and didn’t wake up from feeling awful to blog or DWC and now I’m on the clock because I’m due to go out very soon and won’t be back before deadline. That means a rushed 775 words this morning with a headache, tired, miserable, mopey and just overwhelmingly down mood. I’m blaming the weather for my mood. When we get one of those tropical storms that wash in over the land producing more static then rain I always get hit with headaches and mood swings. It’s chaotic inside me with this sort of weather. The storm hit early afternoon yesterday and now it’s still overcast and miserable outside. Inside it’s the same because of that but I’ve got an appointment this morning which is why I’m rushing. I’ve got to get the kids ready and me dressed and out of here. I’m likely to miss breakfast because I have no milk and no time. I can’t just throw together a bowl of cereal why I check my email or get dressed. I didn’t accomplish much from yesterday’s to do list. I’m already feeling down about letting myself down. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. Especially since I put off DWC and blog until this morning too which means I was really down yesterday. But I can’t help feeling like I’m failing already. It brings home the fact that this task list / goals setting is only of use if I can stick to it. Now I’m struggling to find the motivation to keep at it. Especially since the daily list seems so long already. No wonder there was so much I didn’t get done if I already had all this to accomplish in a day. DWC, Laundry, Dishes, Beds, 1 hour of walking, breakfast, lunch, dinner, 30 minutes of music, 30 minutes violin practice, blog, and a daily poem. I need to examine the kind of time it would take for each of these tasks so that I can show myself that there are enough hours in a day. Now I’m trying to fit 775 words into a morning interspersed with getting kids and myself dressed and ready to go out. It isn’t easy. Baby boy is refusing to come and get dressed. Thankfully my daughter is quick to do as she’s told this morning which helps. Especially since I’m not in the mood to deal with them. I know that sounds horrible but sometimes when I’m in a real low I just want the world to disappear and having to struggle to have my children do as their told or being bombarded with their constant questions and need for attention pushes me to the limit. I adore my children but I know I’m probably not the best parent for them. They have to deal with a bipolar mother and that definitely isn’t something I am happy with. I guess I make up for it knowing that I love them. They have a happy home compared to some of the homes out there and I couldn’t withstand being parted from them. In a way having my kids keeps me alive. Because when I’m in a low they are something to live for. Also having to remain functional enough to attend to them means my lows never get as low as they could get. It’s been tempting sometimes not to wake up in the morning but when they come in bouncing on my bed and snuggling under my blankets that idea gets turned upside down. Sometimes I don’t want to bother eating but they won’t give up demanding a meal at meal time until it’s made. This means that I have to get up and cook and since I’m cooking a meal I might as well eat some too. My daughter has to go to school each weekday. This means I’m up by 8AM at the latest every school day and getting out of the house to take her. It would be so easy some days to revert to hermitage and no get up and no go out. But my kids force me to face the world. It makes me wonder what would happen to me if I were to lose them. If something tragic happened or if my ex-husband tried to take custody, I’d be lost. We’ve joked about it in the past and he makes out that he’d love to have them but since he can barely handle a few hours taking care of them without getting frustrated I know he’d never want them for long. Absent fathers don’t understand what goes into the care of their kids. |
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