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A celebration of being reconnected to God and others. |
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Witness to Withness: A continuation of a work that is in progress September 8, 2012 Here I am again-somehow surviving a very low day, which had crazy written all over it. That was yesterday-I got up from a dream in which I was panicky over dealing with finances and a wife more and more out of control and in reflecting I can only think there must be a God and someone is praying without ceasing. Last nights’ dreams were of a religious nature. I saw myself in a brand new church with intent to have more success than I had in a church where I ministered to thousands of youth with few adults-in the dream I said 5. I do quick quirky sermons without preparation. In one sermon I talk about the game of chess as a game to teach about life-rook-teacher, knight-warfare, Bishop- Religious and Queen doing everything to protect the King-otherwise game over!! My other dream sequence saw my son trying to sell remodeling in a neighborhood and I too willing to help. We come against a white building that looks new and run into someone with graying hair, which seems to have the answers to all the questions that we can think of. He is very business -like in his appreciations and it seems natural to see if he can state how the selling should transpire for it to be successful. The set up also involves a live in radio station that opens the dream with Tim stumbling with words and encouraged to be himself. There is also a mom like figure that seems out of touch with reality-she is oldish and sitting up kind of Alzheimer’s’ related. In the first dream the emphasis was on getting the kids to act right. Only with the parent could they come back and soon after the mom is talked with and it is as if there are special needs. More lessons to learn. In general life is climbing up hill. In basketball I am hitting lows-below thirty percent when before I was hitting much closer to 50 per cent on a consistent basis. My mood and my pace are way too hectic to get back to a better pace. I continue to read the bible and puzzle regularly. I just feel more depressed than not. The Red Sox continue to lose crazily-no good pitching or hitting. I got a call from Tim today and was super excited, except at the present our house is real trashed-maybe another day. Sweetie is feeling sleep deprived even after being in bed for thirteen or fourteen hours. I am faced with what is reality and what is in my imagination-God be with me!! September 9, 2012 This is one of my new habits. I understand more what it means in scripture when it says, “The day of the Lord”. I see no where to look back or look forward-I am in the here and now. Today was another day at church and I would have been content with sitting in the pew and getting thru the service and then Joyce, a member of Willard Avenue called me to sing with her-“Because He Lives”. That would have been my other choice for a song the previous week. God speaks in a strange way. It is because God live that I can live in the moment and trust that whatever I bring to the day will be enough. The last song of the invitation I opened to before it was named. It was about laying your all on the altar-how fitting. Part of the same message to give and decide what is given is good enough. My dream life was strange. There were elements of Uni-guard-hoping I was put together enough. There was a lengthy discourse about being in college/seminary and finally seeing the light that I did not need to spend endless dollars, which I calculated to be at least sixty dollars a unit. It seemed like tens of thousands of dollars lost for nothing. I was determined to go the appropriate authority at the college and/or seminary and talk to the people about ending my courses. I was determined to get on with my life. I wanted to take that energy to start paying back what I owed. In one scene I have a young person, maybe four or five with me. They serve as anchor that makes me think if I can allow myself to miss out on the church history course I was signed up for-I think of the good grade I had on a previous test and think about this as I look at one the answers I missed out on as I look at the text book-it is hard to go forward as I look at how superficiality of relationships-it seems like everyone is stiff and in their own worlds. The men in particular seem real guarded and unreal. I consider Dean Helfrich and his admonition from other dreams to get out, because of my craziness-Now I wanted to put the craziness behind me and that meant letting go of courses that kept me from an honest wage. There is another dream about seeking out for a woman who I was supposed to marry-I tried to find her name. I realized that I had got lost in my own world and left her behind. Would she still marry me and then there were the women from other dreams-not reality. There was the one woman who reminded me of sexual experiences before she was an adult/twelve. There was the fear in the dream that I would be exposed and lose whatever credential I had attained up to this point. As I think of this I find myself looking desperately in the phone book for heart to heat-surely they have the name of this person-will they even remember me-are they anywhere that I could find them-there is guilt for neglecting and lots of thoughts about thinking I was still married to the young girl who I was married to in another dream. The whole idea of divorce pained me, as well as my hearts division in relation to other woman who I treated in the dream as objects of affection rather than real people. What does it all mean? It could be the young kid was an allusion to Tim who asked me to the KU game on TV and my own internal conflict. The rest describes how I feel in my present relationship. Did I cheat myself or Sharon? What will it look like to feel in a healthy relationship without all manner of distracting thoughts? God be with me and help me be true to you and others in the days ahead!! September 14, 2012 I had another dream with my Ex’s dad. I called him Ernie twice and felt good about it. Both times it was about thanking him for something. My other dreams involved moving from one place to another and all the involvement. There were two swing sets one fairly old that would be left behind and a gym set probable taken. The two houses were roughly the same-although the other new house had two sides to it. Most of the action takes place in the basement. There is a lot of stuff and yet a lot of stuff gone. It is hard to figure out how hopeful to be about the whole thing. I only know it is hard work ahead. The day itself was filled with healthy resting and loving. I was glad for some time to do puzzles and had quality time with Sweetie. Our relationship felt more hopeful today after some enjoyable intercourse, nice to know we are talking again. Work was filled with adventure-talking with a co-worker, which felt good. I am glad to make it thru another week. I ran two and 4/10ths of a mile, shot 52/100. I have done no push-ups yet. What a difference a day can make-feeling so yucky yesterday and much more connected today. It even looks like the Sox will win-8-5 with the bottom of the ninth to go. And they did win!!!! September 15, 2012 I have done well with my exercise regimen. I shot somewhere 88/200, which is great considering I started out with 3/20. It goes to show there is hope if I don’t give up. As I type my left ear still feel s stuffed up-I plan to do something about it today. I miss my kids and yet it does not feel both ways and that is disturbing. The closest to being both ways was when Tim called me hoping to watch the KU football game at our place. In the meantime I continue to dream of a new place-a promised land of sorts. The timing of it is less sure. Maybe it will help me solve the riddle of Joseph. He was the man best known for his interpretation of dreams. How is it that he is brought into a form of slavery and then liberated by the same dreaming that left him a captive? He ends up in the story to be the liberator-faithful to the same dreaming that let his brothers enslave him. In the end he is reunited with his family including his younger brother and father. Joseph rediscovered who family was and maybe that will be my lot as I continue to log my dreams and try to understand them. Maybe I will find other dreamers in my path, who will liberate me so that I can rediscover the meaning of family without having to beg and plead for family to love me and care about me. My dreaming involved my father and his car filled with all manner of treasure. I was in the process of moving again and trying to pare down that which would make moving a chore. I recall finding all manner of newspapers in the car and clean them out all the while wondering if there was a puzzle paper he may have needed. There is lots of food stuff that seems to have aged-the one that sticks out is apple pie ice cream, which I ask about-it looks uneatable and yet the ice cream tempts me I want some. I am faced with the one man at work who talked about something I said that was apple pie to him. My dad’s spirit calls out the caring spirit in me even if it might make me sick to eat it-It is the caring spirit that can bring my family back whoever that is. There is the hidden compartment in his car and allusion to taking care of different parts of a car. The vehicle to get me to a place of safety is still in the process of being readied for the journey. There is another dream that seems just as disturbing. I am in a group of people that are faced with defining chaplain skills. There is one that shares and he falls short of the mark-he is criticized by one who is chaplain supervisor-youngish and a cross between woman and man. I am next to speak and I share about a visit with a young man-at first I feel intimidated and wonder what the words will be-then very naturally I share about staying with where the person was and asking open ended questions and listening for the story and feel proud of myself. It is not clear if I even made the visit-it could have been made up. The other patient I share about-I share as visiting and he was not there and then going back and he was not in the mood to visit. I am faced with falling short of the mark in a story I clearly made up. I was admonished to have spoken to the doctor and I admit the oversight and then as I wake up I think of what would I do if the doctor was not there. Caring is all about perspective. It only matters about who tells the story in their own mind, determining what real authentic caring is all about whether or not one makes the visit!!! September 16, 2012 I had an awful dream and maybe it will help to type it out. In the dream I was with my family back East. My Dad was still alive and so was Cindy’s dad. In the dream I found myself losing it. I was doing things that were crazy. I buster through a garage and the beams were coming down on the outside of the garage-my dad was there surveying the damage-I was numb. Then I was in my car driving my sons and I could not drive without doing something crazy like backing up for great distances, endangering myself, them and others. In the dream I had just come back from a trip from somewhere-retreat? It was in the afternoon the previous day. I called work and I was supposed to work at Uni-guard at a place and showed up at 4 in the afternoon and worked another 8hours. In the dream it was still day. I called Uni-guard and Captain Watson told me he needed me to work another eight hour shift. About then everything broke loose inside of me-I was home with my family back East and was out of sorts and ventured forth to go to the job I had been at previously-I was running late and could not find it no matter how hard I tried. I was in a panic-I could not find a phone that worked-a phone I had in my pocket did not have all the numbers. I tried a store or restaurant structure and could not find enough money. I had ditched my car and was totally lost. I find myself at home and am inconsolable. I cry and cry-some of it feels phony, yet some tears flow. I call work and tell them I am having an emotional breakdown and the person answering the phone asks if it is because of a divorce-I deny it and say that I got back from a trip real late the previous night and worked a twelve hour shift and was not even going to get paid for four hours of it. I was emotionally exhausted. After the call I experience more grief-my family is desperate-my sisters try to get some food and drink in me. My crying and emotional distress is more than they can bear and I go in another room where there is a coffee table. I know only that I feel crazy inside and I don’t know what to do about it. While family rings people to pray and other resources. I conjure up my own solutions to the problem. I think about my ex Cindy and think about how I need to tell her I am suicidal. I think of calling Cindy’s dad and mom. In the course of internal problem solving I realize that I have never grieved my divorce to Cindy and feel myself going into a rage. I am crying, my family gathers around me trying to comfort me. I decide that they will never understand and refuse to tell them. My mother comes into the room-she has been calling Ruth and other person to pray. She has investigated other resources and found it will take 19,000 dollars to take me at a hospital. She seeks a better price of eighty-five dollars. I decide I can go to a rescue mission and tell her so. I know only one thing-I need to get away from home and find my own place-staying with them is making me feel and act crazy. I fear losing my job and as I wander around in despair I accidently find the job site and am in despair that I will be found out-I am ashamed. At about this point I awake from my dream and feel more than a little upset-enough to write the dream before I go back to sleep. Earlier, before going to bed I had a fight with Sharon. It was not a dream and yet had a dream like quality to it. She was driving while I talked to Julie and I made I comment that indicated in a spirit of lightness that Sharon did not know what she was doing. Sharon was immediately upset and scolded me, telling me I was never to do that again. She was in a rage. I told her there was no intention of getting her upset-I was sorry and would not do it again. I was silent on the way home and realized that this happened while Julie was on the phone and became enraged. I grabbed the keys when we got home and let Sharon know I was pissed and let her know why. I walk the other way and cannot find her when I turn around and go home. I lock her car, not realizing she is in it. She eventually calls me from her phone and I let her in the house. I let go of my hurt and go upstairs. I still have her keys in my pocket and after a while go down to give her back the keys and tell her I won’t do it again. She tells me to read something on the computer. She has written on the computer “I am full of shit”, several times and then wrote times 100. Is that enough and signs her name Sharon d, s, p. I only know I hurt. My mom and ex seem to be principle characters of the hurt and there is no one who can understand-I wake up and consider Phil might help-yet I am not sure what to tell him-I decide it can wait. The dream resolved itself. That was a pleasant surprise. I saw all manner of Batman images in a park setting and realized that it was par for the course what I went through. People suffer through any number of hurts and there is always that desire to be rescued by a super hero like a Batman, who knows the dark side and can triumph over it. I did get to go back to work the day after my emotional crisis and was thankful that I could be forgiven. I did see a grave of someone else I have dreamed about who was quite eccentric and well off. I am back at the rickety old house he owned. Somehow I inherited. It is falling apart in many ways-very large and ornamental inside. I am told about his grave, which ends up being outside among artifacts that defined him. I awake from the dream at peace. I realize a lot of other people have stresses and hurts besides me that do not get talked about. Maybe I and others can survive-that can only happen if I don’t get crazy forgetting the boundary between reality and unreality. September 22, 2012 I could spend a lot of time on this page. I enjoyed the Joel Osteen concert even though I have trouble with the many appeals for money. It was consistent with the book I am reading by R.T. Kendall on Joseph. It is the realization is that God has the ingredient that can change despair into joy and it becomes a matter of waiting. With Joseph this was true on a lot of fronts. He was put in a pit, but along came the Ishmaelites, and then he is sold to Potiphar and betrayed by his wife. The question that intrigues me is how Joseph’s name is cleared. It reminds one of how Jesus’ name is cleared. God rose up these people from what had death written all over it. There were so many ingredients that preceded vindication-no one is enough to save the day. They all work together to share with a waiting world how God is at work even in the midst of our doubts and fears. My time with Phil was good. I do wonder how I pay for my care, knowing my insurance has run out. The highlights were sharing about my commitment into the state hospital-it left me realizing that there was something unresolved and the same with Sue, even if there was no relationship there to begin with. The fact she was a person that was caught in the crosshairs of what happened to me is reason enough to attain a measure of peace about why it continues to be an irritant. I am missing the prayer breakfast-I am just too tired and I feel badly about that. I definitely have limits. The most important learning is that it is not ever all up to me!! I have similar feelings in regard to exercising. I pray that I learn what I can do as opposed to what I’d rather not do. Life is good and I am wonderful. It’s a matter of discovering the positive spin that can aid me in living to my greatest potential. I hope to find ways to value Sharon, so that she does not get added to the pile of things that seem to depend on me or else. I get the message about respecting and valuing being related. How do I treat something I value whether it is my kids, Sharon, church, time with friends or exercise? My dream life was wild and wooly. There was an ethereal quality to the dreaming as a whole. In the latest dream sequence I am with Sharon and we were enjoying being in relationship with each other. At one point I was even giving her a piggy back ride. There was a lot of joyous energy exuding from both of us as we traipsed over by the ocean at what was an amusement park of sorts, barely missing people just out to have fun, including motorcyclists that came close to hitting us. Eventually we found we needed to turn around and so we did and didn’t feel disappointed-we enjoyed being together. There was a lot of walking and travelling in the dream, which included getting lost at several points. We enjoyed being together and we were oblivious to time’s marching-we started early in the morning and it was getting into the evening hours. My only concern was that my children at my mom’s house might be overstaying their welcome and I kept exhorting Sharon to call. As the dream wound down we were heading back to Whitman after a long journey-we were at a coal plant and were invited in after talking to the proprietor. There was a lot of time spent in a store kind of place writing down ideas that related to some education venture that involved knowing Spanish. One sidelight was seeing my 80 year old grandmother Walker-full of life as I had never seen her as we went through I watery foggy kind of area-there were somersault type maneuvers and lightness in general. I see myself in another segment as one of many connected to Uncle George. There is a milk spigot and drink spigot and I wonder how it works. I keep hearing how the milk is tainted and decide not to drink it. I would rather drink milk out of a pitcher. Another involved dream sequence saw me in a teaching venue of sorts and seeing one person who reminded me of my own aspirations to be a teacher. The main leader-an Osteen type was partial to someone I thought a lot of. I saw potential and suggested that he educate on a freelance level as I read about elsewhere. The operation went extremely well as the person was good at researching and sharing. I was awed by all he did, which included involvement with science and arts. He knew how to play a musical xylophone and the sky seemed to be the limit in regards to his potential. I feel good about my influence even if I feel a lot of envy at the same time. The student gives my four dollars as thanks for my help. I feel good about it, still wishing I could do the same as this gifted person. The dream was very lengthy and I will only note highlights. Many of his students were highlighted in relation to their successes. I remember saying that he might need index cards to catalogue what he was doing. The main teacher said he would find the methods that worked for him and this felt good to hear. The most telling factor is other schools took on this same approach, at least five others. It was all about helping others to reach their full potential and evidences that this was a viable hope!! September 23, 2012 Yesterday ended up being a good day. My affirmation was about being healed and forgiven and it aided me in being available after a rather terse argument that revolved around back seat driving and my losing it. In between was a great worship sermon at Church of the Resurrection. I enjoyed the whole idea of responding to God in order that the world be changed. There was also opportunity to talk with Hedda, which was a nice surprise and I watched the Red sox lose on the computer which was painful, especially after tying it. It was an eventful day. God is good to provide energy and faith to prevail. My dream life was quite involved. I saw myself in supervision or connection with Ed Outlaw. I was again faced with a lackluster performance at a hospital that I visited few people and had strained relationships with my peers. The only redeeming feature was getting an evaluation written. I was convicted that the grade would be on the low side. I see myself in the dream over doing it at school and I still want to drop out of my courses in seminary/college. I wonder about the cost and at the same time worry about my grade point average, whether anyone would even consider me for a job with poor grades. I try to analyze how I can spin forgiveness of myself. In another scene I see myself at a half-way house-“State hospital” as a chaplain. I seem to know what to do. I feel very available to what is going on and cannot help wondering if I have found my calling. Ed Outlaw is in this dream also, more as a passive observer. I am faced with the faces of many persons who are broken and care staff who I want to cooperate with. There is learning going on and I am in the midst of it. I feel good about myself. September 30, 2012 I am a sweaty mess to begin the day. I just willed myself to a little over 2 miles on the treadmill with a two on the upgrade. I feel good. The exercise is making believe I can put a dent in my weight problem, even if it does not come overnight. I feel blessed and mentally fatigued. I still have what amounts to a month before Sweetie gives me some relief. Then every day is wondering if we can make it to the next day. We had some awesome time to do social intercourse. It seems to get better with age. I slept like a log from before eight at night to eight in the morning. I do not know how I do it. I hope to call Tim and Bill then we will see where it goes from there. My guess is that Sweetie is out for quite a while-she was still awake at seven thirty. It was a dreamy night and maybe some will tire of my being a dreamer-I will not. One dream sequence saw me at a large gathering at the farm with at least hundreds of other relatives and friends-they were all people I was familiar with. The kids were in the first glimpse playing well together. They played with Frisbees and balls and the like. They were having fun and not in any way in disharmony. Then it was time for the big show in which family entertained one another. I was going to sing “It is well with my soul”. I had trouble finding it in a hymnal and then was able to find a large print addition. It was our turn and I could not find the page for us in time to sing it. Kurt ended up doing a real short song of three or four words. I could not hear him-I figured he had stage fright just like me. I then talk to a hostess and offer to do a testimony. I am confident I will do a good job, even if it feels confused inside me. I will use it is well with my soul as a connector to sharing all that God can overcome-matters like divorce, emotional illness and financial distress. My difficulty is trying to make a connection without getting too intimate. As I ponder an elderly white haired woman admonishes me to get in line and stop waiting for someone to call my number. I see a balding man dressed as a female impersonator off in the distance. There are two ladies in front of me jostling for position. It is going to cost me to get a chance to share my heart to others. From my wakeful state I wonder if it will be worth it. I wonder what my testimony or even a sermon would look like. There is another long meaningful dream sequence. It involves being with my kids in the midst of a cluttered house. I wonder to myself how it will find order. Under my pillow I find a stash of chocolate candies in a plastic bag all unwrapped and ready to eat. Both Cindy and Sharon are in work mode and I cannot understand what all the fuss is about. I then reflect back on my upbringing and recall how we were often told to go out and play so mom could get dinner and straighten the house a bit. The emphasis was in going out to play. As I look at Cindy and Sharon they are not at all happy with my approach to work. I tend to want to play first and work later and they want to work so they can play later. I see Sharon arduously trying to pry up a broken sidewalk that needs to be fixed. She looks at Cindy as if to communicate they can see why there is so much irritation with me just looking on the sidelines as they slave away. In my wakeful sober state I consider that insight is not enough, even if it felt like a big aha experience. Cindy and Sharon are waiting on the sideline for someone to lend a hand-they could care less about my thoughts on why we are so different. I also consider as I am waking up-the call to come home from Mom and how I was not much of a player. I tended to want to hide upstairs reading books or doing puzzles, which couldn’t have helped my ability to socialize. These were the two dreams that stood out the most. I can also recall running to Sportsman’s Trail effortlessly. All my efforts at running were worth it. September 30, 2012 I had a great day with Tim and Tiffany. We ate sandwiches and I ended up with the best one. We played pool and I won almost every match. It was fun to hear their stories about being teachers. I did get pretty tired by the end of the visit and it had nothing to do with anything they did. It was a busy morning, shooting baskets, running a little over two miles and doing push-ups. I tried to schedule time with Bill, but it did not work out. My fatigue got the best of me. I also enjoyed conversations with Mom and Sweetie, even if I was out of it for the most part. She maintains her sense of humor in the midst of not feeling good about her job prospects. Today is the day of the church picnic-it was one of the landmarks in my time scheme with a goal of October 24th in mind. I slept good and enjoyed some real good time of loving with Sweetie. I still get real dreamy. The dreams pass by to a greater extent. The first dream involved a large amount of violation. I had parked to the left of a spot and watched as a man came barreling in between two cars where my car was accustomed to parking. He was more than a little angry and I felt real close to being victimized. I go home and again I feel wrath being executed toward my car in a garage with the portal broken. I do not feel safe and yet am not sure at all where to go. There was a lengthy dream sequence about getting a paper done on a topic of a political/philosophical nature. I was facing deadlines and could not type fast enough to save my life. I am faced with resistance from an authority figure who says I have got the wrong information and I need to look in a different direction. I feel frustrated and head to the library even if it is likely to be closed-it is about nine pm. The section I want to enter is open and I look for the resources I will need for my paper. I zone out and all manner of images and insight flow. I am reminded of star wars and the republic of the dark side. There is no room for children, emotion or creativity. It is a violent oppressive world view. It is without a need for God-more objective empiricism no need for the metaphysical. I figure out how to get the passages I need copied and immediately copied and put in my paper saving a lot of my work. In a later dream sequence that had Pastor Olson-I consider that what I am doing is like a bible that has a scripture and an interpretation of what the scripture means after it. The project seems doable. Another dream sequence sees me at the religious/Catholic college wondering if I might try to get on board there. I copy the various needs and paste them on a larger sheet of paper wondering if it is something I can do or whether I want to do it. In a wakeful state both these dreams point to vocational instability. The first dream points to my work as a security guard and how long do I think this can last as a front to my need to be safe. Who am I trying to be safe from? The second dream looks at my hopes for ministering. I am hopeful and at the same time wonder if it will be worth the trouble-am I up to the task? October 6th 2012 I am glad to have made it to October. Most of my previous night was spent doing security work at the American Royal. All I can say is Wow!! There were about 1000 booths with all manner of quirky names: for example sow manila, grill on grill action, road kill barbecue, wicked good barbecue. All one need do is let one’s imagination run wild. Lazy Butts was another and there were many more. It was a long night. At one point some ladies wanted to take a picture with a security guard. I was tired and thought there would be little harm. Next thing I know they tell me four other officers turned them down. Then they were talking about two hot babes taking a picture with me and smile. That was the absolutely last thing I wanted to do-I was embarrassed. I will definitely think twice next time I get asked to do something like that. There were lots of drunks and the traffic was way over the top ridiculous from 10:30 to midnight. I did get to see some pretty fireworks. At one point I got to chase out some drunks who were causing a ruckus-the next thing you know they got away, when we were trying to get a police officer. I noticed lots of officers taking naps-I resisted the temptation. I was tired after six or seven hours on my feet. My last heroic act involved helping some Aussie speaking people to their booth site. I was glad to help it work. I even got fifteen minutes more of overtime. The fire pits were neat looking all around the campus. It was strange to see so many sleeping out in the open. Others partied to the wee hours of the night. I shot my baskets and it got a little better. I started off pretty awful and then did better. It got straighter when I started down lower with two arms working together. I am erratic to the right way too often. After all the walking I chose not to run. After waking up from my first nap-I was glad I didn’t run. My legs were stiff and hurting. I was awoken by a need to know about what the adventure of getting Julie a phone looked like. That was a wake-up call when I found out she had plans for 12:30 at Anna’s. It was about eleven and I quickly got Sweetie up. Then we headed to Cindy’s to have an impromptu conference about getting Julie the best deal!! I was very uncomfortable. My ex was well prepared with her own agenda and Sharon was just as prepared. Julie decided to get a simple phone. From there we went to Sprint. I was more than a little tired after a long night. I was happy to let Sharon take over. I was glad she did her homework-something I hardly ever do!! I went back into nap mode and this time I was called by my son Michael wanting to come over. I was not ready and moved into a defensive position. Sweetie called later to clarify her own take on an impending visit. I like when Sharon can take stands-it’s a behavior I can take for granted. I watched a little football and then paraded up to bed only to be woken up by my wife. I locked the screen door when I went to check the mail. Then I moved into snuggle mode as we slept together warming up on a cold day. I did have a nice dream that hinged on giving a testimony in a church type setting. It revolved around never having worn a football helmet(my head was too big)and talking about little grief early on except my grandmother who came over from Sweden and without her doing that I would not be alive. The dream went on to share about difficulty reading until I was in third grade-then getting kept back and being possibly diagnosed as mentally retarded. In the dream I realized it was more of a hindsight issue. The depth of the speech was found in sharing the past in a way that exposed the present dynamics-letting others know what it meant to be in Christ for me. I was more into running, but could only go so far with asthma type of symptoms. In the dream I was glad for the journey that gave me the courage to share in the present how life was meaningful and worth the grieving and battles that went along with it. October 7, 2012 There seems to be more to ponder about “witness to withness”. I experienced new meaning upon visiting with Cindy and Julie whether the intention to communicate was intended or not. It was as if God wanted to communicate forgiveness at a whole new level. We were together meeting to bless Julie in as much as we were able. I was bringing my exhaustion. I had only slept less than a few hours and was tired. Sharon was awoken from sleep. My normal way of being is to try to take care of it myself. I was glad that I chose someone to see God at work. It was totally unexpected to be asked to discuss something that would affect family. It felt good to be consulted and included. As I reflected upon it overnight it felt great to be alive to see one of God’s miracles, even if I never see it again. It was great to awake to a blessed experience of togetherness, while snuggling with my wife Sharon. That is another witness to a spiritual connection that fills me up and empties me out. I want to give out of response to many ways God continues to bless me, even if I do not think I deserve it. It feels even better knowing that I have only seventeen days before Sharon gives us help via retirement. God is great!!! If God is with us who can be against us? There are so many ways to see God at work in our witness. It is the blessing of others and all creation laboring to share God’s love in each and every moment. The sermon today was a reminder of this. A two year old shared the gift of giving that he had received from the Kansas City Royal mascot slugger-rather than clinging to it for himself, he gives it away. It was a dreamy night and it felt positive from every angle. In one part of a dream I was with my daughter at a younger age, experiencing holiday blessing: candy and gifts at various establishments of business that were giving stuff away. There were chocolate kinds of candy-like Halloween and records and other small trinkets. It felt great to be blessed and to share the blessing with children given over to my care. At one point I take an elevator to the top and admire the view. I get my sons who are grade school age to join the adventure on the advent of a holiday-Saturday night. I am glad that they can be a part of sharing the same blessings I experienced the day before. There were only leftovers and I had to keep reminding myself and them they could not take stuff that belonged to someone else. We end up in church and it is a Catholic kind of event and I am glad that my children can partake in the blessings afforded, even though I know we cannot stay long. There is gracious reception from youth that know my child (Julie) and a surmounting of the building my climbing stairs and reaching toward the top with other young children who seemed close to falling off at times. There was risk and my kids at that point were tiring. I enjoyed the experience of being with my three children. It was a moment that lasted eternally in my mind. The other dream was just as involved. I was in school and awoke in the dream to think of all the angles at which I could do a paper on free will in America. I was filled with joy when I was able to talk with the professor about the thrill of doing the project. The professor was thrilled with me until I mentioned the Quakers as an illustration of a group that made a choice. My mind is in Nirvana as I explore all the angles of how I could put the paper together. It dawned on me that I could use a typewriter printer and I could write pages and pages with footnotes alluding to all the insight I could gain. I have numerous books overdue. I am told I cannot get any of the books I want until I pay back money on fines. I get my checkbook and notice a mistake and work hard to blotch up a mess that looked like chocolate. I get the second check ready of four dollars and make another mistake, but hope will be acceptable. My mind keeps swimming thinking of numerous ways to approach the subject, which included using book that I already had at the house on Abraham Lincoln and initial statement of a philosophical understanding of free will in its evolution-this was going to be fun!! October 13, 2012 I enjoyed the regional meeting it was a family reunion of sorts. On the first day of the conference I happened to sit by my old friend John Grummon- I had a great time visiting with him. Hopefully I will get to network to him about hospice. I also enjoyed some quality time with Richard Crooks, a person I went to school with and many others that helped me fill in a lot of questions that I have had since I last attended in 2001. A lot has happened and I would have to say my value has plummeted to the bottom from where it had been. It has been quite the fall. It could not have helped that I was away from the ABC for such a long time. I also got to visit with Jan Smith, a pastor person I got to know and was less than enthused when I was rudely interrupted by one of the Executive Ministers: It put in perspective what it is like when I come barreling into a situation. It does not feel good at all. I spent a lot of time getting intimate with chocolate candy, ice cream and cookies. I could not find the M&M person and was disappointed about that. I enjoyed a short chat with Terri Rosell and that ended the first day of the conference. I was disappointed to hear that Baltimore and Washington lost in baseball. It is another reminder that basing forgiveness or blessing on a field of any kind is tenuous at best. There are too many intangibles that I do not know or understand. My dream life was fertile to the max. I recall on dream that I was taking a test and the answers were in the symbols that were presented. I was excited to be able to get a good grade and talked to the teacher to share that my paper was stained and ruffled and thanked him for the gift of letting me receive. I think the meaning had to do with accepting that I could accept a gift of knowledge without knowing what it would lead to or how perfect the presentation would be. There was some Brady bunch type of recognition in a song dance kind of spiel. I shared my own displeasure of being on the outs in my divorced relationship and my dream looked at an evolving sense of getting to know my kids at young ages and being able to see that shared responsibility was a lot better than letting one person be left with the Burden. I was glad about winning my way back into my children’s hearts by just being there available being able to explore with them in the context of their world even if some of appeared violent and grotesque in some ways. There was a painful reconnection process and yet I was happy for where it would lead me. I see meaning of being reconnection as an effort of seeing things different-joining in the song and dance and being familiar with culture of new being. At the same time saw no hope in reconnection with my ex. I dreamed of something related to a water venue, diving off to get in, despite what creature or physical obstacle presented as challenge. The meaning is an obvious allusion to a leap of faith, trusting that God is leading even in the midst of lots of uncertainty. There were a lot of other dreams that collected yet I think these represent some of the important themes of my life. The second day of the Annual meeting I was able to see my good friend Bob Southard. It was sad to hear that he was divorced, but there was hope we could reconnect. Before it all started I was happy to get my free flu shot at Overland Park Regional-more than a little irritated that my wife did not want to join the party. It probable says a lot more about me than her. It was one of those moments of feeling out of control. I got to be in a group about being lost, which is good since my whole life has been being lost and found. In one of my dream sequences I woke up to realize that in the midst of all my seeking, God found me-I felt a sermon come on and it was one of my prime time moment to share at the conference. I learned my epiphanies were not in nexus to where the group was at-What was the point of sharing? At least I did what I felt God wanting to share. On the other hand was my ex-wife in attendance, sharing out of her heart about being lost at a fork in the road and people immediately latching on to the themes of her exposition. It was real disconcerting to be on either side of the main speaker. It was all I could do to keep me from looking her way. I also shared about Culture shock, which again seemed to be no news to anyone. I only know I shared in brokenness and response to God’s speaking to me and what they do with any offerings I gave is totally up to them. That is a large step of progress for me who used to love to illicit response. I am discovering that no one cares as much about what I say as I used to think. It is better to be silent and let the questions come to me if I can let myself be vulnerable enough to share. I did get to be with our pastor Jonathan. I was underwhelmed by a connection with his Dad John Clark. The worship went well, but seemed like more of a performance than anything new and different. I begged of me to see what the white sepulchers looked like. It can be easy to criticize them-am I really any different. Where would people go if they followed me? I hope and pray that they will follow God instead. I made my way home to grouchiness-it is difficult to live in a world where you do not get what you want. I know going to the Annual meeting was God’s plan-I still do not know what it means-yet maybe over time I will see. October 14, 2012 My dreamscape was inundated with all manner of urinary treks to the bathroom. I experience feelings of being disconnected and have difficulty breathing, especially when I sleep on my back. I am discovering that my need to go leads me to drift to sleeping on my back and trying to remedy this leads to a series of bathroom exoduses. My dream life was impacted by the events of the previous day, including a misunderstanding with my wife that took up much of the day and processing internally about the Annual church meeting in Olathe. One of the dreams indicated that there was a need for more cats and the need for someone to volunteer to find some cats to combine with a cat we already had. One of the other cats was orange and they enjoyed playing with each other in a small fenced in area, especially the original cat that seemed especially playful in an overt way. There are hopes that all four cats will get along and will be able to do the job that they are assigned to which was getting rid of vermin that were affecting happy living. I think this involves trying to deal with disagreements on issues we feel that we have little control over. There are at least three issues that seem to weigh things down-oversleeping, inordinate concern about finances and jealousy-the one cat that seems overly happy is a reminder that at different times either of us feels better than we deserve to. The vermin represent the numerous other disagreements ahead that stress our marriage and ability to relate. There were numerous other dreams. I saw my ex father in law Ernie fit as a fiddle looking like a person who never knew he had cancer. He is eating well and is quite jovial-it would be a shame to ruin his good health with my curiosity. Yet another part of me thinks he needs to deal with denial. In one scene he is encouraging us to deal with excess garbage which I give to an oriental man who is collecting garbage. I wonder about how the food could be used to feed the problem of poverty. I restrain my views from him yet bring them to the attention of the family which included Ernest. They disregard my attempt at altruism and I consider it could not be that healthy anyway. I believe this dream was in response to my various quips about what it meant for me to be lost and the church also. There were others besides in other settings. In the end I need to let them go and trust that the stranger collector of the garbage will know what to do with them. Only as I forgive my own perception of sin can I forgive others. Another couple of dreams dealt with trying to get a beat up car that started occasionally to an effective repair. My son Michael wonders how to get the excessive funding to refurbish the car, so that he can drive it or maybe even sell it and make money. It will cost about ten thousand dollars to fix it. I am deciding to buy it for twenty dollars and use it as an excess car and fix it up myself. There are considerations about my father in law refurbishing of a model A. Maybe this could help in determining how to repair the car-also an underground repair place if I could consider if they would be honest. That way I could make money on the deal. Connected to this was a dream about Cindy being sickly and in bed and the tricks she used in accordance with her mother being there to ignore that which got in the way of her getting needed rest. This dream speaks to the unresolved conflicts that are disrupting family cohesion with my own children represented by the eldest Michael-it is too easy to take matters into my own hands and in so doing risk a cheap fix that might not last in the long run. The dream about Cindy, my former spouse speaks to the need of getting on with one’s own life. At one part of the conference we were on opposite sides of the main speaker trying to avoid eye contact with each other. Cindy and the main speaker are satisfied with their own perception about life. They need and want no help from me-it feels the least bit annoying to me. The last dream saw me in my security guard role thrust in to dealing with another woman about issues related to a school bus. I find out that she has similar at the school dealing with vandalism. It will be dealt with even as we are forming a relationship with each other. The other woman speaks about stresses I continue to work out with Sharon, my wife. There is some degree of common purpose and also frustration at figuring out how to solve problems, knowing we cannot change each other and the reason we have been called into the relationship in the first place. Life is a classroom and only as we can deal effectively with each other can we deal with other learners that need help!! Today is church and attending to sports day. I hope to get lots of rest with a goal of getting through the next ten days. This will be a week that includes: Solace house, Art group and a visit with Phil. On Saturday I hope to go to Bowers church. My main goal will be to get back to exercising. I think this will help my trouble with prostrate before it gets worse. October 15th 2012 It seems like there are a whole lot of foot notes in a day that seems like it does not want to end. Much of my reflection of withness is related to forgiveness. If I cannot stop punishing myself, how can I expect to stop hurting others in some way? Even a tread mill feels like a torture chamber if I have had a rough day. Much of my reflection is focused on relationship frustration at work. It is painful to be thrust into quiet isolation. The reason being given is that I am messing with him. It is a reminder that most of my life I have been a mess or have been messed with in my own perception. My dad was the proverbial volcano and mom was hysterical at best, instrumental in getting her sons into psychiatric hospitals. How is one to trust? There is this proverbial fear that does not ever want to lift its foggy face from the internal workings of one wounded. In my experience as a pastor I worked with thousands of people. Now days I can handle only a few on an intimate level and my relating is froth with potshots at doing something that will get attention, so that I am not left totally alone in darkness. Unfortunately too often I am satisfied with getting beat up in one form or another, in order that I might think I am making someone feel good by feeling bad myself. The worst part about this is that it constantly is recycled as feeling hurt and out of that realization feeling someone should feel the hurt I do, so that I don’t feel so alone. I do think some of this could be remedied by involving me in relationships I want to be in, rather than in relationships that I feel needed or even need to feel needed. I pray that I can find out it is ok to want to be in a relationship, as opposed to needing the adventure, which eventually leads to a bottomless pit of never getting all of what I or the other person needs. At least in wanting a relationship there is the feeling that sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Why pursue another at a time it is feeling more painful, since it helps neither in the long run. So in my own frame of reference-I try to sort out what irreconcilable differences even means. I am glad that God does not tend to think in those terms. I am also very aware that God does not need my relationship and yet at the same time enjoys when others want to be caught up in a journey of being with as opposed to isolated. Maybe reconciliation has a similar flavor. Just because you forgive does not mean you will be back in relationship. It is only in the bettering of oneself that one feels like it is ok to be in relationship. So I pray that God helps me to feel better about myself, so that I can relate in more healthy ways with others. I write this as a reminder to myself and anyone else who might be searching for their soul in the dark!! October 20, 2012 I have a case of the blues today. I am just plain weary and I know there is not much I can do about it. I did shoot baskets and it was one of my worst days-60 out of 200 and then 30 out of 50. I decided not to run on the treadmill because the back of my heel is hurting. I am real aware that nothing changing on the outside will change my down state-only my own determination to change my internal dynamic, which means to look at the world differently, knowing I have no control over others I can only change me. Yesterday it was good to sleep so much-I needed it. San Francisco won, which feels good, yet all the different things that could happen don’t change me internally. I could claim the end of the world when the Patriots lose Sunday, yet at that point there are no more lines to draw. I already saw the Red Sox go down the tubes. Anything could happen after that. It is all about to what degree I can relocate myself. I believe some of that means changing the way I look at things as if any team or team I root against makes me feel better for any length of time. Maybe it is just ok to be here. I just have to decide what it means to be here. It is a very empty feeling. Yet it is better than living where I lived before this. I find myself hoping a teams’ win or loss will somehow impact whether I feel good or not. It was a real dreamy night. The first dreamscape involves getting a lot of money because of help from others. Eventually persons lined up to get rewarded and a few claimed a good part of what had seemed like an enormous sum. By the time it was meted out there was no money left, which made me wonder how it could have been worth it. I believe it means I give too much to others-making them happy to the extent by the end of the day there is little or nothing for me. Another one of my dreams saw me up in the air in a very small plane, no bigger than a Volkswagen. It was enough to contain family including Julie at a fairly young age. There was a feeling of claustrophobia and yet it was not so bad that it could not be overcome. The flight attendants could stand up in the plane. There was a place for the bathroom that did not look at all kosher. It was a journey that needed to take place over tall trees seeking a place to enjoy landing, a comfortable spot. I believe this means that I am still looking for a place called home with persons I can know as family. There were short dreams about me running and feeling strong even if I could not go very fast. Following that were dreams about trying to locate a place close to home-Whitman that would keep me from going far astray. In the course of dreaming I was able to locate some places that tended to make me wander longer than I wanted to. There is a long dream sequence about a new restaurant opening. In the beginning I am seen as an excellent prospect based on what I wrote on an application. I was being looked at more than others. Then over time another usurped my place and showed himself to be a better fit. I tried to find a way to fit, even claiming that my ability to make sandwiches was far removed from the present and over time I would show my value. I continued to feel out of place even seeing tomatoes fall to the floor after I cut them two times. I forget to toast buns at one point and feel so out of place I leave to be with the people who are eating. Eventually I tell one of the lady cashiers that I have had enough-it is not working out to feel so displaced. I can only hope that some of my back up strategies will help. There is another fast food place closer to home-I make sure that I will get the money owed me before I leave the premises. The whole idea of quitting is part of what makes choice an option. I believe this all refers to my normal pattern of taking risks when I do not feel safe and do not feel especially oriented to that setting. In particular it refers to a prayer breakfast with an African American group that I was invited to by a co worker. We had a falling out and I am faced with making a decision that will create more safety and at the same time more uncertainty about ministerial potentials. October 21, 2012 I guess the main task is discovering what “here” means for me. For the most part I was grouchy and downcast during the day. I was at best annoying. Then there were spurts of feeling good about myself. It did not happen during football, which was like a roller coaster just waiting to happen. At least ten teams I like didn’t win, even got slaughtered. Even the few games that my teams won-it seemed like it was just barely. They did not meet my standards. It more than anything defined my personal angst. The experiences of feeling available to the moment were when I least expected it. I enjoyed shopping for things I liked. There was time with Bill, seeing Tristan, talking with Sue about running her marathon, still longing for a time I might have courage and discipline to do the same. I enjoyed shopping for things I liked without feeling guilty, picking out bananas, looking for clam chowder. Then when I got home, helping get stuff in and put away. The highlight of the day was watching a movie with my Sweetie. Nothing made me feel better than watching that movie with someone I loved. The title of the movie was “Its Complicated”. It was about a divorced couple that reconnected after being divorced for a long time. The movie finished on a high note when the main character Jane realized her mistake, confessed it and returned to see someone “Adam” who represented a realistic future. Hope was recaptured al by surprise at the very end of the movie. There was forgiveness and reconciliation of two people looking for love. That was my revelation for the day and helped me snap out of feeling real awful emotionally. There was even a nice connection with my wife that could not have happened any other way. My dream life was busy. I had one dream about wanting to escape and in the dream I saw myself going over my wife, so that I might be saved out of trouble. It was funny to have Sweetie wake me up. I chuckled when I remembered the details of the dream. There was another dream about Julie and my responsibility toward her education when she was younger, about six or seven. In the dream I see myself as diligent in keeping up with her, encouraging her to do her best. In one scene I see someone like Tad Rearick, presently a professor, watching me do effective work in keeping up with Julie’s educational progress only to see me fall asleep in my car. I felt shame upon awakening. By that time his car was gone-so much for my hope in becoming someone I could be proud of. There was another dream about a hiding place. I cannot recall any of the details of the dream. In my wakeful time it speaks about me finding that safe place to be me, without external determinants whether it be my wife or a Tad type character, watching my every move. I hope in God’s time to be able to find this place and help others to find it for themselves. In my sleep I thought a lot about Cindy. I wish her well and am very proud of her. On the other side to the extent I admire and extol her virtue I find myself beating myself up. I think it is a story like Joseph, where I am not Joseph. I feel humiliated in every sense of the word-I am in a relationship that falls short of my idealistic hope to recover my own sense of what it means to be a minister and can only watch from the sidelines as Cindy’s star shines bright. It is a truly humbling experience. The way God his working with me feels painful and at the same time is challenging me to rediscover what it means to be a man of God. I can no longer hide behind poverty and my hope of giving my all to God. Sharon forces me to look at life from a totally different realistic lens. How do I best encourage Sharon to best be Sharon with her gifts and graces and at the same time be true to myself? At times this can feel much like the impossible dream and where and how do my kids and people back East fit into a plan that hinges on respecting Sharon’s need to be a somebody without all the money she was making when she was at her best in the work world. I find myself going from feeling like I am going to be rich to wondering if I will ever know what it is like to get what I want without hurting the one I love- The same person, Sharon who loves me. That is it in a nutshell. Church beckons and a terminator film is on. We will see what that means for how my day begins. October 27, 2012 It was a rough night filled with crying in my sleep over grief related issues. I am beginning to see from a grieving perspective why it is so hard to go back home. In getting close to people I set myself up to feel grief and then it feels like there is nobody there for me that I can trust. I get upset and it seems like instead of getting the help I need I end up in the hospital or become an outcast and don’t know how to get myself reconnected to people I love, which does not mean I do not try. In my dream I reached a point of crying and being inconsolable over the deaths of Papa and Nana. It hit me all of a sudden and I couldn’t shut it down. It was really a dream within a dream, because in the dream I was woken up in the dream by my mother. My Uncle Alan {long dead) was in the dream and very much alive sharing his relationship with my grandparent. Brad and Dana were in the dream as seven or eight years old. Part of what I was deciding in the dream was that I needed to take some time off and talk to some of my relatives in Prince Edward Island who had a connection with Papa. I missed the love that they showed me and in the dream had flashbacks about times they cared about me. It was painful knowing they would not come back-they were gone-they were dead. There was another dream attached to this about trying to find the whereabouts of my Dad’s parents in a house that was in the neighborhood that I grew up in I hope to relive the memory of them that passed me by. I think this dream said a lot about my current perception of family. It is hard to get close to anyone, because the result is that I will hurt and at least in my own perception nobody will be there for me-instead I will become like a monster relegated to isolating to a different time and era where I felt safe. There were other real strange dreams. One that saw me looking for a place in the middle of nowhere, no doubt getting lost and ending up at a farm that had a large television that was on-in a separate dream sequence there was the person who was at farm bringing me home. I never did get to the place I set out to see. I am not really sure that it was me or some story I was making up about a character like me. I can still picture the large rickety type of barn and the ever almost never ending labyrinth of villages along with stores and gas stations until I got to the place aforementioned that had no civilization. It was as if the character in the dream came to the end of the road. I think this dream was a rehash of my own personal quest to be found. I can recall the terror of getting more and more lost and feeling panic like I felt in Fort Worth Texas when we were going to some Western place and I had a panic attack shortly after I was married to Cindy. In running away-I become a character that does not know himself and does not know where to go. In the end I magically get found-I struggle with being in a place that is safe-a place I can call home. There was a dream about a large pig that I was trying to get away from without letting a little pig in the house. Another long dream was about being with characters that were nerdy looking and uncouth. Tim and Michael at younger ages were in the dream. Much of the dream seemed to revolve around getting the dysfunctional characters to act more normal whatever that means. I think together this refers to my own perception of myself as introspective-everything revolving around me, like a pig trying to get on the loose-more self centered that I’d like. The big problem is feeling normal within self or in relationships-after being introspective for so long-I don’t know what it’s like to be anything else. Is this paragraph introspective enough for you? There were many other dreams that took place and the night is not even over-with my previous entry in mind I think it best to shift into a sense of reality that does not need a dream to define it. My day as a whole was highlighted by watching a movie called “The Mighty”. It was one of those dreams that stays with a person for a long time. It was about a crippled genius who gets hooked with someone that thinks that they are dumb and to a large degree not worth anyone’s time. They bond and become like knights of the round table-together with the cripple who calls himself, “Freak” on the shoulders piggy back style on the much large Max. Max gets finds courage and the other boy Kevin discovers the joy of what it means to normal despite having a handicap. Just before Kevin dies he gives Max “the Mighty” a blank book, which gets used to share the story of their relationship with a final paragraph out of the book about King Arthur that brings them together. At the end of this book it shares how Arthur is the Once and Future King and more than anything this says to me that relationships have an eternal quality they may go to the grave, but their spirit lives forever in the heart of the one who experienced love’s embrace. I shot my baskets, spent a lot of time on Face book, and survived work. It was a day that seemed boring for the most part. It was cold and I got a day off from running. I looked forward to working and at the same time I feel tired and I wonder if I will ever get adequate rest to deal with painful hurts that lie buried on the inside underneath a tough stoic appearance that tries not to let anyone in. Well I went back to sleep and had two more dream adventures. One saw me running with Stuart or Stacey Matiosis-two rough necks in my childhood. We are running around the block and I am sharing what I am learning about running that is building my endurance. I feel like I can run forever. This is until I am scolded for hanging out with the ruffians-the implication is that eventually they will catch me and do something horrible to me. They cannot be trusted. As I wake up I consider my role in Brian’s life as a kind of safe presence. I was taller and it made both of feel taller to be together. This was probably a response to the dream about the mighty. I like to make people feel safe and yet I will always wonder if I am safe in the process. My other dream was a lot more fun. I was going to get an award for singing and I was glad I did not need to sing. I was weepy as I looked forward to the time of receiving an award for singing. In the dream sequence I considered efforts to play other instruments, but not being able to sustain interest. The instruments were either/or a piano or violin. I thought of all the times I had enjoyed hearing my kids play. It felt good to be recognized even if a lot of people had gone home, since I was the last one to receive a reward. I found myself going into the stands as some persons explained why they were leaving. To a large degree the arena is packed except two sides that looked empty. The meaning of this revolved around the joy of getting positive attention. Too often I settle for any attention that I can get and am not happy about how it leaves me isolated and alone. It is a cold day. I shot 88/200 in cold temperatures and experienced a police sheriff telling me to get off the sidewalk. It feels kind of painful. I hope this does not mean I need to change my shooting venue, since on either side of the road it looks like there are no parking signs. I also took some time to run on the treadmill. I felt real good running two and one-half miles, which meant I ran almost 13 miles in one week. Not bad. There are football games and a World Series game today. The Patriots play tomorrow. Then along the way I am getting ready for work at waterworks at 11:15 pm. I am glad to work and at the same time hope that I can take care of myself well enough to keep going. November 3, 2012 Lots of dreams-I am sure Friday is my best day for getting into a dream world. One of the latest involved me being over at a house where breakfast was being served. There was a thick yucky milk substance in the refrigerator-I got water out of it the milk looked too gross. There were other dream sequences attached that saw me giving and looking for coupons that I could use. I dreamed of going somewhere to take a Russian course, without need to learn the alphabet. I enjoyed the first of second day and then found myself getting sick, missing a couple days. As it turns out there are no videos of the course-I ended up having to leave with less information than I wanted. I was glad to have a connection with Julie who looked at some of what I was learning. It also became an excuse for not having to take a trip to Houston, Texas. Cindy is ruining my life-I would much rather have time to spend with my family back East-seeing people like Melissa. I have another attached dream with Brian and am asked by Sharon about whether it is her fault that we cannot get together and I explain that he is just mad at me-and explain a close relationship he had with Richard, who was second in the class in grade point average-thereafter there are snippets of Richard and his folks. There are many dreams about going to visit my hospice patient and the anxiety of getting the time right and deciding whether to call his sister. I see him and find myself looking for his street in advance of the visit. I find myself also trying to figure out what to say or how to communicate. There was another dream sequence with my grandparents that was lengthy-they were both trying to hold it together at an elderly age and I felt discomfort not being sure when they might get sick or die. In terms of reality I find myself suffering from a knee that was overused on a treadmill. It feels better today, but not well enough to tackle the treadmill. I hope to find time to call David. It seems to present itself as another sign that I want to get better. At the same time I fear I will in some way fail. The anxiety is high, not having made the effort to call him yet. I spent quite a bit of yesterday listening to the election chatter and attending to the Celtics, who lost again by quite a lot. I struggle with my own view of sexuality-it is real annoying-I know that I do not experience what I did when I was younger. Yet at the same time the times that I feel most like myself are enjoyable. I just don’t understand and maybe never will. Some part of me wants to find a way to get back to the Gary, when he was younger and more virile and other parts me want to forget all the hurt it caused, when I found myself heavy into pornography. I can only pray to God that I can keep a focus on how good life is now and discover that expressing my sexuality is like reading a book. You get to the first page and you find yourself enjoying it more and more. The more important truth is that you enjoy it until the end and only at that point does all that happened make sense. It is learning to be a man after God’s own image, and yet as was said in another setting all abuse throughout a life time whether physical, verbal or emotional is sexual abuse, because it affects how I and others are perceived humanly speaking. I am faced with living as much as I can in the here and now knowing that I cannot change the past and yet with God’s help I can be more available in the present. I did make my phone call to David and will proceed in that direction in about ten minutes. It is kind of strange to visit someone who will not be around as long as I might want a relationship to last. In the meantime I am watching Missouri beat up on Florida. What is real after all? Lately I have been spending more than enough time on my dreams. What will it mean to trust reality? My trust level is kind of low. I hope that God can give me the courage to see myself in the mirror and let someone see that they are worth the time. That is the most I can accomplish today. It also means for the time I set forth I am worth someone’s time. What could be more profound than that? My greatest fear is seeing what he looks like and not being able to handle it. I found out he could talk. We will see how this adventure develops soon enough. Be with me Lord so that I might learn what it means to be a witness to withness. I hope I can spend more time writing of it than about it. I enjoyed my visit with David. His appearance did not bother me. He announced our task of shooting the shit. It sounds entertaining if it does not get too smelly. I got lost for what seemed like eternity all because I did not go far away. As it turns out it is right next to Turner Baptist Church. I imagined my kids playing their instruments for David. We talked security language. He was adept at sharing his role doing security at the race track. It sounds like he had some interesting interpersonal dynamics with his wife’s former ex living with him as they battled cancer. This happened before David had cancer. I was able to keep the fifteen minute limit. He is not into watching movies. There is a possibility I could read to him-we will see. My concern was to set limits early on-thirty minutes a visit with a call on Friday to firm up the visit on Saturday. It went a lot better than I thought it would. He had goiter in his neck and he labored some in talking. I look forward to more time spent building a healthy connection God giving me the wisdom and strength to do it. November 4th 2012 Another dreamy night-this time focused on reconciliation and what it looks like. That is my interpretation. In the main dream sequence I try to make sense of all manner of divorces-at least two-one in the works with my wife gone for 18 months. My ex comes into the picture and it is too easy for me to want to start where we left off and I find out quite quickly that it can’t be that way. I am faced with learning what it means to respect a person all over again. On the back burner is the relationship I refuse to want to give up. I believe this delivers the meaning of reconciliation in a nut shell-determining to discover what it means to treat the person you hurt with dignity without crossing lines-letting them take the lead in determining what that means and at the same time honoring the relationship that you have even if it feels distant and hard to understand. There was another dream sequence that had something to do with books, another that was security related that involved driving a truck to pick up goods like I had done at another time in another dream. There was a dream about people diving into water. There was another dream that was centered on gym activities-basketball. All these together speak about my desire to want to put pieces of the puzzle together. I believe they share with me that I am fragmented in a lot of way. What does it mean for me to will and want for something to happen? Part of me wants to write a book, another part of me wants to get back to running, which is like diving from a high place-others can do it why can’t I? Then there is my continual tedium of shooting baskets and trying to sort out what that means for my future, security or more particularly vocational angst and finally the desire to write possibly even a book. There is a struggle to express who I am without compromising what it means for me to belong and be in relationship. Part of what moves me to start the day is how do I get more healthy connection with Tim and Tiffany and also make a trip to see Julie at her place in Lawrence. Then at other levels I wonder what it will be like to carve out some time in Massachusetts. How will I even know it’s time? Most of yesterday was spent on watching football and seeing on the computer that the Celtics won. There was more than enough candy to eat and a noticeable obsession with eating food and drink of any kind. I was constantly pacing and longing for something that I never could get. My relationship with Sharon seems a bit distant. We are headed to church together and that means a lot to me. It is hard to want to get too close and then find out I am no closer to getting what I want. I still want to run my marathon and God willing do some kind of Christian service. November 10, 2012 The thought is to speak out of my dreams instead of about. I will share issues as they present themselves to my ever present and real life, that do not want to simply go away under my pillow when I sleep. One of Primary images that comes to mind is that of a boxer/fighter trying to protect those I love. This is much easier said than done. Whether I think of the family I grew up in or my present experience of family, engaging the issue from inside of outside can make me/one feel bruised and beaten. It is much easier to honor the status quo. The status quo for my mindset is that if something unpleasant or even traumatic happens to you, it has to be the consequence of action or inaction on my part. It is no wonder that I see myself in battles that I cannot win. Why fight if I need to experience that bad things happen for a reason, in order that things do not even get worse? On the other hand I just beginning to deal with the fact that closed churches, divorce, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, and sleep apnea does not happen just because I am a bad person. There are days that I wish someone could knock on the door and tell me what it is that is causing my life to be such a mess. With my luck someone would show up and put it back on me to determine what it is. After all it was me that suffered-I must have done something wrong. The other reality is letting someone tell me and there are probably many who feel qualified to do so, lead me to give up control-I am quite literally at your mercy. So the battle rages while asleep or awake. As I struggle with relationships at work and at home I am faced with trying to come out a winner even as I determine to bloody someone or see myself bloodied to redeem others from my own perception of sin. God is there somewhere inviting me to be embraced to experience love. That is where the grappling, kicking and pummeling self is challenged to look in the mirror and see that someone with the image of God beckons me to come forward and receive what God wants for me more than anything else to know unconditional love. At that point I realize someone was bloodied already, so that I and others don’t have to constantly feel like they are fighting for their lives. In front of this understanding is my wife, my kids, coworkers, ministry and the list goes on. Why does it hurt so much to love? From my own sit down perspective I realize to want to fight means there are people worth wanting to want to live and love. So in the midst of my battles that seem never ending I offer myself as a living sacrifice. That means I am seeing myself as a blessing and look forward to visions of how this same blessing is eternally there for those God has given and gives me to love. Romans chapter seven speaks most clearly about my current personal status. No matter what I do it seems like nothing goes right and yet the bottom line is thanks for the victory that God gives us in the person of Jesus Christ. Today is another day to see David. That is one my ministries. I can also look forward to time at “Haske” starting on Wednesday. I experience myself wanting to be God’s instrument of giving comfort and peace. I am also aware that I feel vulnerable-I can see challenges!!!! Sometimes it can feel better to just sit back and do puzzles or watch to see if my team wins or encourage others to fight the good fight. God calls to an adventure. The biggest challenge is to rise up and see what God raises me up for in any given day. God loves me and most days I haven’t an inkling of what it means to be raised up in the same way that Jesus was risen up. Part of the struggle is that I do not want anyone to be left behind, which is counter much of what I have experienced in the Christian church. Bottom line is on any given day I want to learn what it means to love and be loved. I hope that continues to be seen as a welcoming embrace to people who most often are seen as those on the outside looking in. The other part of the tension is deciding I can’t love all people even if I want to. I need to put at arm’s length people who aim to hurt me intentionally or unintentionally. Too often these people are like magnets that over time wear me down to the extent I am unattractive to those who might be helped by me most. At some point my attitude of winning and succeeding at all cost needs to take a back seat to experiencing healthy relationships that not only value others, but on a much better note serve to honor and edify me and the God I serve. November 11, 2012 Again I will attempt to speak out of my dreams. They were quite vivid. One dream with my Uncle George, another dream with Jerry a coworker and another church related. I will begin with talking about family and how my experience with family colors how I relate to others. Uncle George was always one of the more jovial members of the family. I am glad to know he still lives and breathes in Hingham, Massachusetts. As I remember him I am faced with so much else I value that is hard to let go of. Today I will be at my grandson’s birthday party and I struggle with what to give or not to give. Joshua’s smile is what I look forward to seeing more than anything else. The big issue is what it means to invest in the life of another person, no matter how small or big for that matter, no matter how young or old. On the one hand it can be easy to think one can get away with keeping away something that you cherish, for example chalk, which in its own way seems like something so petty to withhold from someone who might want it. In my own experience it was something that leads to teachable moments, school, play, and even at construction sites something you might find a little of, so that you would for a moment feel rich. One lesson that can be heeded is that the gift of relationship can remind us of that which gave the most joy. In withholding whatever that treasure is can lead to guilt. Once let go of one can experience the eternal youth and joy of giving out of the realness of whoever you are becoming on the inside and in relationship with others. Work is a great pleasure for me and at the same time it reminds me that embraces are very far and few between. I enjoy the embraces and yet am faced with the fact that in wanting some form of warmth or positive stroke from someone I admire and work with can lead me to pick up a mucky mess that is not too easy to clean off. It helps one understand why Jesus needed to clean the disciple feet. In working to get involved with people, there is the understanding that you will get your feet dirty-there are always memories of some places that one would best stay away from. My new relationship with David reminds me of this truth. David is a cancer patient with not much time to live. I find myself excited to visit and I first of all go to the wrong house. The funny thing was I saw a car that looked just like my son Tim’s car. A lady answered the door and I was confronted with getting my bearings. It was exactly one o’clock when I got to David’s house and he was not there, which created for me the least bit of embarrassment. I had my phone and sure enough he called to tell me he found an old friend he had not seen in several years and he wanted to let me know that he was cancelling our visit. I felt like a man with muddy feet. I felt betrayed at a lot of levels. I went all that way for what. Embraces, while one is doing any kind of word can lead one to getting mud on shoes. I see it even with Sharon my wife. When I least expect it I can turn from a person who is happy watching sports to an ogre who feels like he has been messed with (taken advantage of) and now who and what is going to happen in order that my feet get clean again? The last vignette is my continued passion to be involved in church at any level. It speaks about my current struggle to find my place. I see pictures or visions of what that might look like. For example my journal experience about forgiveness, my ongoing journal that speaks about what it means to be here-the vision of the church inside where the Holy Spirit dwells. Last of all there is the concept that drives this personal memoir Witness to Withness. How do I communicate this to children of God that might be able use the concepts to enrich their lives. In my younger days I was glad to have vacation bible school as a tool of reach out. The challenge was to find materials that communicated God’s love. Often times I would try to get materials from other churches. It could be that there is something outside of myself that can give me a clue as to what communicates out of what drives me. As I write I think of my own struggle to think of others beside myself. Being introspective is of no help in trying to tell others what God’s love might mean for them. I had fun at church and at Joshua’s party. At church there was the new twist to the widow’s mite and an opportunity to sing about a mansion over the hilltop. Then there was the joy of seeing the pastor’s little one running and Dad trying to catch him like a fisherman trying to catch a fish. The sermon spoke of a need to look beyond institutions to embrace broken people who come to the church and often do not find what they need. Then at the dinner I got to meet Dale, the janitor who happens to be deaf. I have lots to learn if I ever want to share God’s love to people different to me. At Joshua’s I was faced with the puzzle of how Cindy fits into community work and then there was her Mom sitting with me eating lunch. She immediately made connections with her knowledge of the history of any particular place and exuded joy at connections people made in relation to her location of place in Hutchinson. All of a sudden I knew intimately how it worked for Cindy and felt good about it. And I did get Josh a ball to play with. It was the best I could do. I left the party early. It was kind of fun watching the little guy play with his cake without eating it. The Pats won and I decided I was too full to get to Tim’s church function. Life goes on and God walks with me even as I continue to wonder what my own little world means to a much larger world outside me. Thanks God for life and an opportunity to share it with others!!!!!!! November 17, 2012 Self-righteousness is a tough pill to swallow. It is one of those things that hound me. I come from a place where it is much easier to hide behind others in a negative or positive sense, so that no one can see me for who I am. My only recourse is to do the best that I can to help people see themselves without my biased perceptions. I admit that is hard work. It may be the only thing that saves me in the end, because too much of my time is spent trying to pave a road to acceptance, whether others know it or not. In the midst of it I pray that they will know a God that loves them more than I can comprehend. My wrestling with petty jealousy needs to stop-I trust that God can nurture me in such a way that I will begin to see there is hope for me eternally wanting the best for others no matter who they are or where they come from. It’s a prayer. God loves those that God disciplines and there is also the verse that says love casts out fear! Many who read this passage will also cite the verse that says we are all justified by faith and not by any work that someone can do for us or we can do for others. There is nothing to boast about except the God who loves us so much. I ask forgiveness for that part of me that is far away from the place that God wills me to be. I feel this most in my relationship with my wife and at work. If my image of God represents how I treat or value my wife or those in my work place, I have a way to go before the image of the mirror clears up and I can see Jesus face to face in those who have loved me. I will continue to speak out of my dream experiences rather than detail all the crazy things that come up. Life in general seems filled with challenges and motivation to confront those challenges in meaningful ways. Whether it is relationships with my kids or family and friends I am faced with how sexuality becomes an overly embellished topic or a need to look at it is because the reality will not go away. Much of this evolves out of a mass of confusion that is societal as much as intergenerational. A man is a difficult thing to draw up for a person like me. From early on in my development I have struggled, especially when I noticed that once mature man and woman do not look like or act like one another. And therein lays the dilemma. There is family history, which included a history of affairs and sexualization that diminished the man I wanted to be and the woman I wanted to love. Over time society in all is facets moved me to look at what it meant to be a man across the generational spectrum. Everything seems to change as one ages. At first there is this wow factor that attracts. As time goes on a perception of what makes a couple work changes. There is more of the desire to care about and give, knowing that I am not as powerful as I used to be. And in the midst of this is barraging of sensibility by conversations about being a gay male or lesbian. Then there is all manner of violence that attempts to pave the way for sharing what it means to be a man or a woman. I find myself running in a race and feeling that I am capable of winning. Then I am face to face with my own errors of judgment. I cannot escape the fact that I have really blown it at times and if God comes down to earth in any way and looks me in the eye I will simply melt away. I say this only because there are a lot of differences in perception about what healthy sexuality is and for me to criticize anything out there is to be faced with the log in my eye. My dream is to look at myself and the opposite sex and be satisfied. The fact that God created us both makes us love worthy and together we share God’s image, a semi-trailer full of graceful opportunities to share that Jesus is indeed Lord. I am also faced with my inadequacy in being mechanical, which affects the way I relate to people. This can especially be seen in the workplace. There are some people that have lived in that world most of their life and for me to relate with respect is hard work. I am for the most part a nerd who escaped in books. I did not know that mechanical world, except as a place I would get yelled at for not holding the hammer right. Now I realize that there is a great throng of people that would just love to show me how to hold the hammer if I would only close my mouth long enough to listen. I did make it to my hospice visit. What a stench-I could hardly think or breathe for the first part of the visit. I am reminded of the story of Lazarus and how person talked about the stench. As a whole the visit flowed and went okay. I felt self conscious about the stench and after a while mentioned it to him. I came home and Sharon thought it was the stench of cancer, which did little to comfort me. During the visit we talked of his work as a machinist and a security guard and about what the holiday meant to him. I experience him as being a very lonely man whose story would be worth looking into. The main issue for me at the moment is can I stand the stench? What will it do to my own health? As I look at the Lazarus story-it is worth it-yet I am faced with what is real for me in the here and now. My visit with Julie was next on the agenda. I enjoyed tasting samples. I also visited and looked at the various pictures that Julie took. It was real awkward. I was faced with how talented she is. There were three pictures that attracted me-caught my eye. There was one of the mountains in Germany, another picture was of Crystal-very ethereal and there was a real pretty one of a landscape, highlighted in blue-it was gorgeous and I thought to spend money and could not bring myself to do it. It bothers me. I had only ten dollars. I could have at least given her the money. But I didn’t and I guess I need to live with my decisions instead of living in the land of regret. There was also some quality time with Tim and Tiffany, eating at Ryan’s. The food was good and the company was even better. We talked about the holidays. It was awkward knowing that again I would miss the thanksgiving festivities-I asked about whether they watched football. I admired watching Tiffany and Tim interact. I feel a sense of loss that refuses to want to go away. There was a game of pool after the dinner. Having won did little to alleviate the discomfort of knowing I messed up in regards to the divorce and a sense I was experiencing hell without having to go there. The best I know to do is wish all my kids well and enjoy time with Sandels and Sharon on Friday and then it is on to get through Christmas. I spent most of the day with watching sports in various stages. The Celtics won-I missed most of the game. The football games that I cared about were a disaster. It looks like Alabama is going to get the National Championship game after all. The Baylor women’s team lost. At the end of the day I felt defeated as I watched teams win and lose. What is it all about? Here I sit with a big “G” on my forehead. And for whatever reason I cannot get past it. Part of me longs to ask my kids to forgive me. I feel very alone. God grant me the wisdom and strength to do the right thing. Help me know what my tears or even lack of tears means. I feel like a rock and that means I can’t be moved and yet if I let go of the hurt inside I know I would regret it. No one likes a cry baby or at least I have been told, especially if you are a man!! I just hope my two sons do not have to experience this angst. I experienced some awesome time with my wife, when I felt an amount of deadness threatening to wash me away. God has a plan in all this-I wish I could better understand what it is. Over the course of the day I realized I beat myself up too much. My ponderings about being self righteous could mean as easily that doing things right matters to me, because I care. My introspection and shame, which hound me, mean that I want to be the best self for others and know that certain behaviors have no place in honoring me and others. The bottom line is I hurt and in the midst of that I want someone to tell me it will be all right if not in this like then in the next. November 18, 2012 My dreams lead me into the world of shame/guilt and made me ponder what it means for me to be a father to my three children. I will again speak out of the dreams rather than about them. I think the bottom line is that I am underwater on this day-more like SpongeBob square pants than any other character I might aspire to. Even a character like Robin Williams in any of his roles would be an improvement. I am tempted to not even write, but then you would not know how my underwater adventure will go. Much of my personal plight moves on knowing that I have a past problem with pornography that I can never be sure won’t raise its ugly head. I have been enjoying time in the scripture of late. One of the main scriptures talks about not being prejudiced. The scripture is in James chapter 2. It’s definitely a work in progress. Prejudice is not giving persons, no matter who they are to reach their God given potential. In the midst of all that I want to reach my potential and yet getting in my way are my own prejudices, which I can see most clearly by my sports obsession. As long as my teams win I am happy. At times the disappointment of experiencing loss is enough to ruin my day. Another piece of the puzzle is trying not to get caught messing up. The consequences seem to be awful in all ways. Even if one does not get caught one is still left carrying the guilt and fear of reprisals for being human. Who said being human was easy. Beyond that I am very concerned about my relationship with my kids that seem tentative at best. There is rumbling from the family I grew up in. At best I am very distant from my family of origin and this is bound to affect how I relate to my own kids. The only problem is that I cannot get away from fearing taken advantage of. I see my kids as an extension of myself. Here I am at this end of the spectrum feeling the full brunt of not being able to experience the joy of being with my kids for the holiday. The clincher is that my children are going to have to deal with my legacy. I feel like I am caught inside a wet paper bag unable to punch my way out. I am real aware I could have fought for more time. Yet for me it never felt like the right thing to do. I felt a need to make money to make child support, which meant that I needed to work on holidays and continue to need to do that. I missed vacation time for a similar reason. At best I consider that my theoretical dealing with guilt is to my exes real dealing with guilt. I am confronted by God and my own musings that my ex could have become as guilty as I tend to get and run away. Yet at no point to my knowledge did she ever come close to doing this. It speaks to me about someone who has a backbone-it is not hard for her to take a stand. Above all she stands for and with the kids she brought into the world. If that is not love what is? While I continue to perseverate about what I could or should do, she continues to deal with responsibility to nurture the children that God gave over to her care without a need for breaks, which she had every right to ask for, but did not. I hope only for the best for her even as I deal with my regrets and hurts over not seeing a clear path to ministry. She has shown me there is more to life to being introspective about guilt and feeling more in a rut than out of it. She has found ways to be victorious and it translates to her finding favor with God and other people. I hate the angst I feel within as if I am in competition with her-it is not at all edifying to me or the church I claim to serve. At my own church was the annual business meeting. It was a fast meeting. I found out that the pastor only made one hundred and twenty-five dollars a week. It brings back memories of how my own journey at Ruby Avenue began. It hurt to hear I did not get the nod to preach. Yet when they have no money allotted to pulpit supply, what do I expect? The sermon seemed annoying to me. I have a lot of growing up to do. I watch my games at the moment. The Pats are ahead with twelve minutes to kill and I get to see on the computer a portion of the Celtics game. It explains the G on my forehead for guilt. As long as there are teams playing games I am hypnotized by the possibility of some big game win making me feel forgiven so that I can get on with my life. God give me strength. Work at the water department beckons regardless of who wins or loses. November 24, 2012 There is a lot to celebrate: To God be the glory. It was so wonderful to be with my kids for the holiday. I have not felt so much joy for as long as I have been born. I felt I was the prodigal son come home and to such a feast as I have not known. The prelude to it all was taking care of Michael the day before. It was a privilege to be with him and experience how much I love him. As usual there was anxiety before I got there. But it just felt natural after I was there only a short time. It felt good to share his story and let him know of my own journey. After that there was a fantastic movie called “Finnegan’s wake”. It shared with my soul all my feeling about our relationship. I could feel special and know that the gift of writing is the gift of sharing one’s life with those that you love most. I felt like I could dance at the movies end and that all of a sudden a Dad is what I like being more than anything else. I was so glad to be with Michael and by my presence value him as the father of his own child, Joshua. It was a great prelude to even better things as the week progressed. Any dreams take a back seat to the reality of God’s love that radiates for all eternity from the depths of a spirit filled life. Work felt like play. It was as if nothing could take away the great experience of God’s presence flowing through me. I got called by Cindy the next day and was asked to join them. Immediately I thought of the scripture verse in Psalms 37 that says when God is delight of your life you receive the desire of your heart. I felt like I belonged. I was glad to share this with the love of my life Sharon. I was glad she was willing to go with me-it was nothing I could do by myself. When I got there it was if heaven came down and glory filled my soul. I was able to watch my grandson play with his food with lots of grins in my direction. I felt lucky to be alive. I had the privilege of seeing and hugging all three of my kids and their wives. I received one of my favorite Christmas tapes from Julie and was invited to ask for whatever other music I might want. I knew it was only by the grace of God that it happened. It felt good to hold the dry hand of Cindy. It brought back the memory of what brought us together in the first place. It was a hand given to me by God and with that hand love was born and continues to flourish. I will never understand how everything fell apart so traumatically. I know only that God loves each of us and forgives us and is allowing us to see the vision of shared love in our new adventures. My treasure of a relationship with Sharon that was a calling from God to see two broken pieces made whole. Then Cindy’s adventure to be a community minister at Central Baptist Seminary, where our romance began in the first place. I am learning to trust God’s plan. It is the realization that God knew it was going to happen. Yet God embraced us both in the person of angel messengers who touched us and massaged us in the places of our deepest wounds and proclaimed again and again God’s love rules supreme and forever will. The next day I was on cloud nine I did not mind an extra patrol for Regina. It was only the day before she was sharing how her spouse joined them for thanksgiving and how her ex humiliated her. With this in mind I knew I was going to make the best of the opportunity if I got to see Cindy with my kids and I believe I was able to do that. Thank you Jesus!!!! I continue to be amazed at my ability to endure and shoot baskets at a consistent level. At some point I will move away from the foul line. As of today I was impressed with being deliberate and getting good results. Even more impressive was running 4.2 miles on the treadmill and hardly feeling winded. I don’t do badly for an old guy. I believe in time I can make my marathon run. At the present it is still a dream. We got ourselves a television. That is quite a wow!! It felt like the right thing to do for so many reasons. There I was at “Wal-Mart” taking a rest room stop and the television were in abundance. It began with a dream. Maybe dreams come true and it felt like the right thing to do for Sweetie-it was not just an all about me kind of move. Then along comes Sweetie and she states her specifications. She wants a television with LED, whatever that means and a Samsung. We then found one in a box for a very reasonable price. It had to be a God thing. Then when we get it home we are both amazed at how nice it looks. There is hope when a couple can get what they want. Now I need to find a few surprises for Sweetie’s Christmas gifts. It was a real nice day. The eggnog shakes were to die for. The cat doctor was able to provide and inexpensive remedy and I was able to be there for Sweetie when she was experiencing some grief. God is there. Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desire of your heart!! My attention to sports was timely. I had a long nap and woke to watch the Notre Dame team win a game against USC. It was fun to watch on our new television. Sweetie die a great job of calibrating the colors. The picture looked awesome. At some time we will come down to earth. The Holiday seems like something worth looking forward to. I am amazed at the ways God intercedes to make everything new again. I cannot say that work will be easy. I can only hope that things will get better in the long run. There were lots of dreams-which remind me there is a lot more to life. There were dreams about church, which continues to be an important arena for me to play. There were dreams of a sexual nature that reminded me of increasing peace at being who I am in relation to women God has created for me to be with. Family seems to be another ongoing theme. I see family being an ever all embracing theme as I continue to grow closer to God, the theme of the need to establish what it means to be the family of God is something I am looking forward to. God grant me the wisdom to see each moment as a gift from you to witness and to want to share with others what it means for God to be Emmanuel meaning God with us. It is the foundation for what it means for me to seek withness. I only wish I could have been there for David. It grieves me that he does not feel better. God help me to understand how I can be a comforter even from a distance. November 25, 2012 The day starts on the slow side. Today Sweetie is in a lot of pain and depressed. We never did get thanksgiving with our friends the Sandels. At the same time I am glad for time with my precious wife. It is good to see her courage in the midst of adversity. Her body and mind seem to be in constant battle. It was good to listen to a message for Joel Osteen and Charles Stanley, which echoed the same theme of peace through and because of adversity. Today the Chiefs and Celtics play. It is another day of resting. I may go to Sandels later on. I missed church, yet I feel good about having quality time with Sharon. I am on the blue side of the color spectrum. It is nice to know that there are so many other colors to choose from. Today it is kind of a greenish blue with a slick shine. I have done a great job finding space to rest. When I woke the Chiefs were actually ahead for a while six to nothing until with eighteen seconds Peyton Manning throws a touchdown pass, so much for the dream I thought I was having. There was some interesting dream sequences and again I will speak out what they mean for my present challenges and celebrations. One of my challenges is believing that I can get my voice back. It is much like the lion getting back his roar. My confidence is a work in progress. I am reminded of the spirit of my grandfather, my mom’s Dad. He seemed to have so much energy and pep, as long as I can remember. Even as he was dwindling and weighed little he found something to live for. I can see myself in a pulpit setting, just not preaching without a microphone. I experience value, but it is out of the past. I am still praying for opportunity to see what God has for my future!! My efforts at studying are bearing fruit. I can see myself with others who are wanting to apply themselves. I am glad for ability to share my view of persons who seem a lot more gifted than I am. On the whole I am still a loner, seeking approval or acceptance that will motivate me to reach for the finish line. I still would like to think of myself as teaching material. I find myself trying to figure out a way of communicating in order that others want to be a part of the images and words that have given me life. More than anything I would like others to know the same hope I have known. Time will tell as to whether this can happen. My best tool may be my caring presence. I only know I am aiming to learn how to be available where ever I am at without fear paralyzing me. I enjoyed my time with Sandels I was touched by the food they gave to support our own effort to do the best we can with our own emotional and fiscal resource. Tomorrow Sharon will prepare to be with Deanna. I don’t know whether I am making right decisions. I can only hope that God is in control, especially when I feel like is spinning out of my control no matter what I do. I am still attending to my sports. The Celtics are tied and the Giants play the Packers. The only thing I know is that somebody will win and someone will lose and it does not reflect on how good or bad a person I am. There are times when I wonder what keeps my team from winning. The only problem is that my team is always Boston. I did get to talk with mom. It sounded like everyone was doing well. Now if I can only keep myself from getting depressed as usually happens this time of year. Be with me God and aid me being available to whatever you call me to. December 1st, 2012 I feel on the down side today. I am experiencing more of the there than here. Another words I am not feeling very available to those I love most. I finished another week at work. It was at least humorous that one of the Captains found himself, locked out when he went to put something in his car. Many were concerned when we were unable to get an answer at the office for two or three hours. That’s one of those there, not here stories. I feel disconnected in that kind of way. It’s almost as if I wish someone could take the disconnected plug and put it in an electrical outlet. I continue to enjoy progress in keeping myself fit. Today I shot my best percentage out of 200, which amounted to 110/200. I had 63 and it should have been a lot higher. It’s another one of those “there” places that occupies me. All of a sudden I feel like I am somebody for a moment in time. The same could be said of my running. I went slightly over 14 miles in only three days. I had a high of 5.56 plus miles on one day. All of sudden I felt marathon worthy. Again it was a way for me to put hurt at a distance. I want so much to give my kids, family back east and wife a hug out of a secure sense of self. Instead I drown myself in media and rituals. David is going through a rough time. He is a hospice person I visit on occasion. He has needed his sister with him and my visits depend on whether he wants to see me-whether he is up for a visit. All of a sudden I feel so vulnerable. It as if everyone out in the real world could disappear at any time. It explains my continual dreaming about relatives, dead long ago. I wish they could be alive. In one sequence I wake up crying as I recall someone whose funeral I did not go to. I see the image of that person as real as myself and wonder if they are really alive. It is one of those nightmares does not want to end. It impressed on me how important closure is. I can only ask forgiveness from those persons who were offended by my apathy or disinterest. There is a reason for funerals-they bring closure to somebody you experienced as being significant. I can only hope over time to have meaningful closure experiences. Can people forgive me? I am on the outside wondering if anyone can include me as part of their intimate family circle. Among funeral experience I missed the most include: both my grandmothers, my mother’s dad, My Aunt Cynthia and Uncle Alan and my Father-in-law Ernest. The one image I have that helps is Jesus not getting to Lazarus funeral. He has been dead several days by the time he gets there. Out of despair he cries Lazarus come forth. Jesus is always there even if I am not and calls back to life. It still hurts to know that many others will die before I die, and in the long run who will be there for me. I am also locked into the separation I feel from my extended family back East. I can recall a time that I was very jealous of my younger brother, Kurt. It seemed like this happened just before it was discovered that had an emotional illness that would debilitate him for the rest of his life. And here I am longing for connection of some kind and the only way to get it is to give people a call. I feel more like an intruder than a family member. It is an encouragement for me to get better connected to where I am, whether it be at work, church or through personal relationships. I can experience availability of others only when I discover how to be more available to myself. I have to be worth the time and energy that lead to me wanting to be with others and wanting them to be with me. In front of me is a bowl of oatmeal. I will savor it as I look forward to seeing I become better connected to the world around me!!! The day progressed and became like a nightmare that never seemed to end. Now I know how they can make a movie about Freddy Krueger or Jason. Some days are like that and never seem to want to end. It started innocently enough-picking up some groceries and medicine. We needed those things. Then something erupted within. The volcano inside could no longer be dormant. An Ogre was born. One could say it was Shrek on a bad day. I did the usual lame things like watch football and basketball-both my teams lost. Even if they had won it would not have assuaged the beast. When it gets that bad sometimes the only thing one can do is to find a cave and get away from the pent up hurt that does not seem to want to end. Lava is spewing, like a fountain of blood that gushes and threatens to snuff out whatever life is left. Here I sit having survived and maybe that is as good as it gets. It is an awful feeling when the darkness inside seems to consume whatever light had once graced the portals of the soul. I celebrate that there is a God, a hug after the worst of the storm is over. There is hope!!! At times the darkness can seem to last eternally, and then in comes the light of Jesus-the light that refuses to be put out. I have little or no control over these horror story types of moments, yet I know someone who is control and is willing to embrace me in the end. December 2nd 2012 It is getting that much closer to Christmas. The pageants, the light displays, and today the hanging of the greens-I can listen to my kids play on their instruments. All of a sudden life begins to make sense. Another important part of catching the spirit of Christmas is knowing what it is all about. It is as if one can take a remote control in the course of the business and focus on what got us here in the first place. There is a baby in the manger-there is no time for a whole lot of Christmas ritual. The baby inside of each person needs to be snuggled and fed. At times the Christmas season can seem more like a raging locomotive careening out of control; nothing can stop it from doing whatever needs to happen so that this Christmas is the best ever. It gives me a moment to pause and consider the story of how Elijah heard God’s voice. It wasn’t in the earthquake, mighty wind or even the threat of a consuming fire. It was in the still small voice. The best and most meaningful Christmas happened without a need to set up Christmas decorations-A star in the sky lit the way. There was no need to write a myriad of Christmas letters-The angels from heaven brought the message to the people. There was no need to cook and plan for hours on end-It is all about the baby “Jesus” in the manger. That is where the true food is at. I can remember in my younger days the world famous Christmas party that brought us all together on Christmas Eve. Unbeknownst to me it was a nightmare to my mother and no doubt many others that participated. As a child I sat in wonder I longed for the drama of seeing Santa enter in his red suit and eating all the goodies-more often than not making myself sick. Then somewhere in the midst of holiday chaos is the baby Jesus-he need someone to give him some time. Forget the need for presents-God provided gifts needed when the time was right and it was not on the day that Jesus was born. I hope and pray at some point people can slow down long enough to feed at the manger-the animal feeding trough, remembering the meaning for the season. I just hope to find time for Jesus and take time for share how wonderful that joy of is that bubbles up within like a fountain of refreshing water. It is something to want to sing about and let others know about. It is in the story of a little infant child that the reason for the season took root. And when we forget that we more often than not lead others to a place where death becomes the better alternative to being smothered by the need to give everyone the perfect gift. They forget that the perfect gift was already given and it was by the death of Jesus not exhaustion that fills our plate-we know freedom to love as God loved us. I admit to liking to write and yet I also admit to the times of darkness that often precede the illuminations that flood my soul. The Star happened in the darkness. It gives me comfort at times I am feeling more fear than light. Today I hope to go to church and spend some time watching football. That is one of the pleasures I allow myself. I am not sure that it gets anything positive stirred up even if my team wins or loses. December 8, 2012 I celebrate making it through another week. I feel on the disconnected side, mainly because my msn account is nowhere to be found and that means that I feel cut off from a lot of the people that used to email me on a regular basis. I had no idea that would affect me as much as it does. I can also feel the weekend hangover going on inside me. After a week of working overnights I get ravenous and therefore cannot get enough food. I also feel tired and grouchy. I can only hope and pray I am more prepared for it this week than in other weeks, just by knowing that the pattern exists. The highlight of the week was seeing my counselor Phil. It was good to know there was somebody to talk with when shame runs deep. There was opportunity to laugh and prepare for battle in upcoming therapy sessions. It is another holiday with little or no money which makes it stressful. Sweetie has got the medicine that she wanted to feel better. Time will tell!! I broke some records with my exercise regimen. I ran fifteen miles on the treadmill and I can run today or maybe not. I also shot 76/150 baskets. At least I am not giving up. I take one day at a time. My personal envisioning sees a continued focus on feeding my vocational dreams. I continue to refuse to give up. I am even willing to plead insanity to get a hearing from people-I know my heart is in the right place. I recall all the good times at Ruby Avenue Baptist church. Ministry was the only thing that mattered for me. I loved seeing so many kids have an opportunity to experience that life could be better. My gut tells me that I will see it again. It might only be as a witness and yet that will be good enough. I am realistic-making peace with my present station as a security guard is a good move. The water department, my present post brings with it a lot of ministry challenges. There are people that truly want to know what it means to have a faith that works. I am learning the best way for me to help is to be quiet and bear witness-trust that God will bring opportunity to give testimony as the situation presents itself. I consider the pilgrimages of Samuel and David in the bible. Sometimes one is faced with standing back and bearing witness, as opposed to meddling or trying to take control. Samuel knew enough to trust God’s mercy, even when David was getting pursued and perjured. At an earlier time David was almost looked past when his brothers were presented to Samuel. David was the son out in the fields taking care of sheep. He was preparing for the task of being Israel’s next king. His brokenness became a springboard for the psalms named for him. They are songs, poems that celebrate that God is for us in the best and worst of times. Another book that has filled me with hope is a book by Mike Mason. The title is “The Mystery of Marriage”. I continue to wonder why there are times that I feel so alone and on the other hand have times where I feel so connected. The book is answering those questions bit by bit. I was also glad for finishing a book by Richard Crooks on divorce. The divorce devotional let me know that I am not the only person to have gone through. The challenge in the days and years ahead is determining how it can be a gift that can be used to share with people that God has not finished with persons who can feel like outcasts. In my experience divorce is a horrible thing and yet so is the cross a lot of other situations that arose, where people could have given up. One might imagine Moses, David, Jonah and many others could have just given up hope. Instead as I read in a passage of Jeremiah they were able to leave the brokenness behind-at some point putting all the pieces of a beautiful porcelain piece is not worth the effort. Giving oneself over to God to make something better can lead to better results. The heartbreak of the week was hearing that David died. I only worked with him a very short time as a hospice patient. I still formed an attachment. Not more than a month after I introduced myself he is gone. I am glad that God brought him into my life for a time. I look forward to other adventures in upcoming days and weeks. December 9, 2012 I have been sick all of today. It hardly seems fair. Most of my day was spent in bed. I did a good job reconnecting with family and friends. I had looked forward to going to a Christmas pageant with Sharon, but she didn’t feel up to it. Most of yesterday was spent watching ball games. The highlight was attending to the Celtics beating the 76ers. There was time to shop. All our change is finally gone. We are at a low point financially. It doesn’t look to get any better. Maybe that is what I cannot stomach. I know only to say be with me Lord-give me strength to get through another day. That is the withness part of the equation. I think a sequel to witness to withness would be withness to witness. I continue to exercise. I broke my record running with over eighteen miles running. I had a lot more trouble finding the range in basketball, only 87/200. I have been glad about my commitment to getting in shape and staying there. I regret that the treadmill is not working very well-lots of noise and not very even. I wish there could be more to write about. My family and friend circle seem to be doing well enough. Sandel was sleeping. Chris was under the weather with a cold. My family back East seemed to be doing what they usually are. Craig was trying to fathom the implications of losing a job; I was unable to get in touch with my mother or Missy. Lori was sleepy. Dudley’s were also off somewhere. Julie was studying for finals-too bad I could not give her answers. Lol. Michael was not in ear shot and Tim was feeling well. Unfortunately Tiffany was not feeling good. Tim has been quite lucky as far as having good health. I cannot help wondering how this affects us being able to be there for Tiffany. I guess every couple has their challenges. Tim and Tiffany spent Christmas with Tiffany’s clan. At times Christmas seems like more work (labor) than it’s worth. Yet in the Christmas story it was out of labor that the savior of the world came into being. I continue to be very thankful for thanksgiving with my kids. That will definitely be the highlight of this year. Now if I could only find time to write a thank you not to Cindy. I guess that will do it for this day. Work beckons and I have to admit not looking forward to it. Yet I remember my father’s example-how he’d be vomiting just so we could pay the bills. December 16, 2012 Another day and I am experiencing the joy of feeling centered. I am glad to have so many family and friends, who are making a difference. It inspires me to want to make a difference in others lives. If there was a theme for this Christmas season it is “Silent Night, Holy Night”. I feel the awe of being one of many impacted by the birth of one who lived over two thousand years ago. It is a reminder of how dear my three children are to me. They bring a smile to my face just thinking of them. The gift of new life is just that- worth looking forward to every year. Some of the best gifts this year have been experiencing the word “forgiveness”-I have been keeping a journal on it much of the year. It is a wonderful gift from God and the most precious gift we can give to each other. Once you receive something like that you want to pass it on. Life has become more joyful with each day. My work week has been much less of a burden. Throughout the week I have found something to laugh about. There was one day I considered how we could improve our work environment by implanting in our patrol pipe the song: “This Little Light of Mine”. What makes this apropos is the little red light that is lit up at each monitor button indicating we did that portion of the patrol. There are rumors that the patrol pipe does not work-maybe a song like that could make our burden “light”. Another point of laughter was looking at the many keys we have that we do not use and jingling them to the tune of “Jingle Bells”, whenever we need something to entertain ourselves. Life does not seem to be as much a burden-it is more of a blessing than ever before. Some of the highlights of the week included going to “Haske Adult Day Care”. I was greeted with a hug and offered a cabbage roll, while I waited. I was reminded of times with my grandmother from Sweden. One of her specialty meals was cabbage rolls. Nana Peterson seemed ever near. We proceeded into the bible study room and the joy of the moment stays with me. One of the residents gave me a Christmas card-he did the same the year before. We sang songs, prayed. The experience of God’s love was felt by all. God was present in us and through us. The bible passage for the day focused on the need to share our faith by our works. I enjoyed using the New Testament to fulfill text from the Old Testament. In using texts from II Kings, Jeremiah and Ruth, I was given reason to see how the bible worked together in harmony sharing about the oneness of God, the need for repentance and the birthing process of faith and works, which celebrates that even the most broken vessel can be made whole. Not long after this I was off to Solace House. My main concern was to be available. My need to be helpful-needed was on the back burner. The gift of my availability was accepted and I enjoyed the fruits of accepting their invitation to serve as one of the grief facilitators. The food was great and so was opportunity to see people socializing with each other, knowing there was a time that they felt they lost everything they cared about. More than ever before I was beholden to the gift of presence, which is very appropriate to the season of Christmas. I am glad I can be a caring presence to others-I trust that God will continue to send opportunities my way and pray that family and friends can experience the same joy I feel at this moment. Saturday, I was glad for opportunity to work overtime. I got up early and for the most part the day went by better than usual. I enjoyed conversation with the person I worked with-he was also a Christian. I was glad for the mild weather and time to meditate as I walked. I came home to the joy and wonder of my wife’s embrace. We are two broken people that God has allowed to be made whole in the context of our relationship. I recalled a conversation with a co-worker-nothing felt worse than thinking I knew it all about love and commitment from my religious education only to see what I saw as a beautiful vessel broken into well over a million pieces due to divorce. I am glad God gives us second chances-I hope I share with family and friends that I am more lovable than ever for being willing to take the chance that the love I found in the past could be lived out in eternal moments. Any successes I have are owed to the many people that supported and took a chance on me in the first place, without any guarantee that I might not disappoint or eternally betray their trust. There was no time to exercise. I did get a new phone and enjoyed using it to connect with people I care about. There was time to puzzle, watch my teams play and snuggle with Sweetie in the cats before I became over-tired. My sleep time was filled with dreams that seemed more connected than usual. They spoke about my passion to be there for people as they were experiencing grief, knowing that their loved one left a smile and some laughter behind in the person of those they nurtured and cared about as long as their body had breath. There was further challenge in my dreams to consider me spiritual vocation. At times it can seem like one can never be good enough. That is until one lets loose of words that tickle the brain. The words are so effusive they can no longer be contained. Others need to experience the wonder and miracle that before seemed bottled up inside. In inviting others to this journey one learns that the people that you least expect are there for you to comfort and encourage in bettering yourself and the world. Life does not feel like such an imponderable burden when there are others along for the ride. And who know where journey goes next-one need only let one’s imagination run wild. It may not be where you expect it to be. One could even feel so far behind that it is impossible to catch up with those who seem more talented and blessed. The only thing for sure is that God is preparing a place not only for me, also for others who are not afraid to dream. It is to these people that my writing is dedicated. May the same love that brings us together continue to bring us together, if only for a moment in time that we will all together remember for all eternity. If a song could be composed with this vision in mind I want to hear it. And invite others to feast on all of life’s offerings with me in the manger or our Lord. Today is another church day. Given the chance I will sing “Silent Night”. I am glad for the many was where silence gives birth to new possibilities. One of my joys that I experienced was getting a puzzle page from someone I have grown to love since my time working at the water department. On this particular day he brought two newspapers and with joy he offered to give me the puzzle page in the Kansas City Star, which I had coveted since the time that I have been working at the water department. God’s blessings are always closer than we think. The best thing is that they flow out of healthy relating that cannot be earned-they are gifts of grace. Once you have received them you want to let others know the joy that awaits them also. December 22, 2012 It’s only a few days before Christmas. It has been a great week. I had Christmas with my kids Thursday and it could not have gone any better. I was glad to see my grandson Josh. The chili and ice cream were really good and the company better. Considering the big snow storm earlier in the day it ended up working out, so that everyone got to our house at about the same time. Sweetie was busy moving furniture, snow and food-it was exciting to be a part of the getting ready process. With Sharon it is getting everything ready as time is arriving for the guests to appear. I was glad to get out of the house to exchange Josh’s present. I had the brain storm of getting some puzzle books for people along with the calendars I had already obtained for them. It was a way for them to make a choice to be with me as I spent time getting through my work at the guard shack. Puzzle books have been an important part of keeping me going and I hope to offer that gift to anyone else that wants to be engaged in keeping their minds alive. I am glad for my own decision to get involved puzzling after years of putting it aside. It makes me feel alive and sane as my brain percolates to solve any number of puzzles in the paper and my crossword book. I feel good when I figure out a puzzle without a need to cheat. I feel that I am a lot smarter than I thought I was. As I thought, people brought presents. I guess it is the Christmas Spirit. I especially liked the cup Julie gave me. It had a picture with me and Josh with Anna in the background. I had the look of joy on my face-a reminder that there is more to me than the glum moods that surface more than I would like them to. Anna got us a movie and shared a measure of disappointment that others were giving presents, even when I told people not to bother. Tiffany and Tim helped decorate the house for Christmas with their gifts and I know I will enjoy the cheese and sausage they lavished on me. Chili was a perfect meal choice. It was good to hear Josh speak up in baby talk. It is great to know that he has a voice, especially considering my effort to find my voice and keep it. Today I was delighted to run with Sandels. It one of the best gifts I received this year. I was up in the night wondering how it would go. The number eight miles was in my dream and it ended up being the number that I ran today. It was good to see Bill in the beginning. I enjoyed running behind two ladies in the beginning. At times I was with them, especially for the first three or four miles. I slowed some when I got to the fourth mile. It still felt doable. I felt comfortable. On the way back I was entertained in seeing myself get personal bests in distance. I was glad to discover that I could maneuver on ice without falling. There were a few times that I felt myself running out of breath and it was kind of scary. I learned that if I pushed myself, the walk after that was quite refreshing. In cold conditions I stayed on my feet and the last quarter of a mile I came close to sprinting to the finish line. It was what I needed. Any more than that would have been unpleasant. I know I will be sore for a couple days. Yet I am just as sure that I will recover to run again. In my sleep I wondered if I would somehow humiliate myself. I did notice that a lot of the people were a lot thinner than me. That will give me encouragement to keep losing weight. My knee has held up better than I thought it would. The main joy was in finishing. I set a goal and found out I was in better shape than I thought. It was entertaining to look at shoes after the run was over. I am glad to be alive. I am very sure if I kept at it I would be able to run a marathon. I need to give myself at least a year and God willing I could see another of my life goals accomplished. December 23, 2012 Twas the day before Christmas and all thru the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. What do you expect with two cats constantly on the prowl? I am glad to be feeling good after a long run yesterday. The only real hurt was a headache that did not seem to want to go away. Maybe I can run more than three miles. It is a real possibility. It has been a dreamy kind of day. The day before work usually is. There was a very long dream sequence about church, which culminated in visitation sequences with a deacon who said he liked to visit. My preaching was not the best in the dream, a veritable nightmare of pastoral ineptness and not managing vacation time almost cost me the church at the hands of someone who was into pageantry and performance more than ministering. It just goes to show what can happen when one takes off two weeks for vacation without telling anyone. I am glad it was just a dream. There were other dreams-I am not sure how they fit into my life goal dreams. There was a gun man at the top of the steps not willing to let me live-It was a nightmare that woke me up. Life in my world can seem so treacherous only a bullet away from annihilation. Then there was a dream about Sandels who were sleeping I bed with my sisters-because I only had a single bed. Where is Sweetie-I do not know-I must have been a land before time. I am reminded that some friends of mine are closer than family, which means I am no closer to getting close to my back East family at the present moment. Then there is a dream about Glen-I remember very little about it-just that he is there and not going away very easily. The only thing I know to do is wish him a happy birthday. There are some people that escape my grasp of intentionality. They slip through the cracks and it is all I can do to make believe they exist. The day as a whole saw me get to church late again. It is the third Sunday in a row. I continue to miss seeing Irma. I am not sure what to do about it. Maybe I will take a chance and call them tomorrow. The service was okay. The message revolved around getting home for the holidays. That is one of those riddles that don’t have a satisfactory resolution. Growing up it was looking forward to time with family, which included my mom and dad. The only times I missed were during times I was being treated and recovering from the rigors of emotional duress. It reminded me that one is not in any rewarded for letting oneself lose control. After those days there were times with my kids-until the infamous divorce that created dissonance. I have yet to feel any great sense of harmony since then. I will have to admit I am punishing myself. Christmas as a holiday celebration fell off the map when I began having troubles with the stripping of my care giving accolades by something that happened. I have felt guilt that at present seems too awful to know peace. That brings me to the present. Christmas seems more of one of those inescapable realities. I wake up go to work and try to get through the day. Often enough I am sick and forget to call somebody. I can never seem to be or do anything that is quite good enough and the time I have with friends and Sharon are filled with joyous intent. I am beginning to wonder what it will be like to experience being home for the holidays. It is a work I need to experience internally before I share that same gift to others I care about. Then there were the football. December 29, 2012 If only journals had answers to questions. I guess that’s why you write-what seemed hopeless and confusing today seems a little clearer hopeful further down the road. Both my relationship and job IQ took hits this week. It started with Christmas of all things. It usually is not my favorite time of year. It started with the anti-Christmas folks tooting their horn as if their point of view is the only one that matters. I was seeking some connection to bear witness too-after all this holiday celebrates Emmanuel’s birthday. I was honest in saying Christmas was not my favorite time of year since my divorce. It did not help that my usual connection with Grayson was all but gone. It was depressing. Then there was Bower not accepting my cookie and commenting in a negative way about the offering. It was if I should have known better. Over time the truth came out, but not toward me. It was a solid week of the silent treatment-it was never clear until the final day about who was more resentful. It was Mr. Bower who refused to turn in my timesheet anymore. The irksome part-there was no conversation at all about what this meant. It was more than anything a show of force in front of the ladies who adore him. It did nothing for my holiday spirit. Here I sit, wondering what there is to say in a journal that is meaningful or valuable. Christmas used to be the best time of the year for me. I would be looking forward to the next day-restless unable to sleep because of the day. It was a time of providing gifts to families that did not have them when I was a pastor. There were many times that people lavished gifts upon us at am time when money was sparse. As I said in an entry: Christmas is a time of celebrating the humanity of Christ, otherwise none of us could be saved. Now there is the movement away from it-all because some people say it is not in the bible. Why celebrate anything-somehow Christianity becomes a bummer-why did God even come in the first place? The other part of my life dementia was a major brouhaha with Sharon. It started innocently enough. I asked about going to breakfast at IHOP. The answer was I feel awful today and I do not want to go anywhere. This was something I heard after having a really bad night at work. I was hoping to get at least some kind of positive experience at Sandals. Instead she wants me to call Sandals and tell them Christmas was out of the question because of how she felt. I feel put upon-I am exhausted after work and the resentment is building. The worst thing is there is no one to share my hurt and escalating temper with. I am becoming like a storm completely out of control. I try to sleep and am very restless. I had about two hours of sleep as I was looking forward to work. Then all this emotional vomit came flooding out of my mouth like hot lava out of a volcano. The more I opened my mouth the worst I felt. The worst I felt the more I kept spilling obscenities and anything else that might make my wife want to upchuck with me. After all misery loves company. When the storm of emotion began raging out of control, it took me with it. There was no way to take back what had already been said. After much pondering of all the damage-I continued my quiet vigil at work as my co-worker Mr. Bower continued to be more out of it than with it. It felt like nothing I said would help-I have the feeling he does not like me and am concerned with raising his blood pressure by getting him upset. Another part of me is shut down, because I said all the wrong things to my wife-how was this going to stop me from saying anything constructive or meaningful to him. I decided to call Sandals in hopes of having a couple days to recoup. It helped to talk to my sister and another worker about my internal state. I was a mess. It was fifteen below wind chill and all I could think about was standing out and suffering the cold, because of what I felt. I was glad Sandals said yes. I was able to regain my respect, which had been all but trashed and found myself with Sweetie doing the best I could to create a healthy bond, whatever that meant. After a time of honest soul-searching and apology I was invited back. And strangely I felt better than I ever have. Someone really cared about me, even sharing the possibility of healthy boundaries that affirmed my need to feel safe. I felt like myself and even better, because all the things I was imagining did not come to pass. I knew what it was like to feel born again-and I offer that as a gift to anyone else that is losing hope when the winds of a storm threaten to suck the life out of you. God has a plan and I invited to be part of it!!!!!! How do I heal the hurt at work-I do not have a clue. My dreams seem more lucid and active than usual. I dream about seeing my Uncle Alan, who has long since died. He is running for a Senate type position and he is at the Hyatt hotel in Kansas City. I am seeing this on television and I am eager to get there. As I get ready go-I see his opponent a big muscular comic hero type with bow and arrow, showing others that he can hit the mark. He has Olympic credentials and is eager to show people how he can hit the bull’s eye. I find myself trying to reach Uncle Alan before he leaves and see through the doors behind the lectern an airport tarmac and an admonition that says I cannot go on the tarmac. My Uncle has gone and I am not able to see him-I feel disappointment and longing to reconnect with him now that he is on the road to doing something that can make him famous. Another dream sequence sees me delivering papers at a nursing home kind of setting. The location was chosen for me out of concern that I was not as likely to fit well in a ghetto setting that I had at one time entered into in other dreams. I am armed with my newspapers with the understanding that this crowd are not very good tippers and they know they do not get a paper without getting a payment. There are some interesting characters black and white. Many ask for change, which I happen to have just enough of. I feel amaze that they have attention span to read the paper. At one point one of the elderly woman asks if I could order a second paper for her. I assure her that I can find the number of the paper and give it to her. After much searching of places I usually see it I resign myself to not being able to find it. In another collection scene I find myself wondering if I have enough of the right change. Quarters and other coins fall on the ground. I am looking for just the right coins and consider I might have to get change from somewhere else. Another dream sequence puts me back in the scholastic setting taking a test. There are many different skill sets in the test. In the first part there is small writing to scan determining what answer fits. There are creatures that are unavailable to access, which slow down the test process. At one point I leave the test site for a considerable time, before I come back. I decide in the afternoon session to do the sections of the test that are easier. That seems a lot smarter to me. I discover those sections are much easier-with larger print and a more imaginative attraction that leads me to determine the answers easier. As time winds down three of us-two girls (women) are given opportunity to have extended time to finish. There is paint by number that is finished easily by one, a recipe direction piece by another and a section on comic briefs that I finish. Together we collaborate and feel good about our achievement. The test scores come back and I feel quite please that we got positive credit for the ones we collaborated on. There was one participant a woman that had “beauty “written on her returned test. I feel jealous wondering how mine stacks up against others. I find my brother Craig and after seeing his result I felt better about what I had done. The interpretation of all these seems to revolve around the hope of having/getting the right change to happen in a timely fashion. Another theme is trying to get the connection with someone who might one day be a worthy resource before they leave. Lastly is the concept of life being a test ground never sure about how to evaluate the result. How does someone know they have done well? As I awoke there were visions of my wanting pancakes to eat. There was a sense of having an insatiable appetite. What will it take to satiate my appetite and who will be there to enjoy the result? With all this in mind I enter into another day with a greater sense of mystery and wonder than in days past. I look forward to celebrating Julie’s birthday with her. I look forward to more time with my honey and times with my sports teams. My basketball shooting was really awful and yet it could be worse. It took three hundred shots to get one hundred in. I am at the point of wondering what does satisfy me. I am thankful for a God who does not expect me to have all the answers and not only that gives me time to change with others who are seeking to know what a healthy relationship with God means also. December 30, 2012 What a day to be sick with a cold. My mind has been preoccupied with conflict at work. At the same time I have been enjoying a great deal of quality time with Sharon. That has meant that I have put sports in a holding pattern. It helped to hear Marsha’s assessment of the whole sports scene. It’s like the Roman coliseum all over again. There is so much money and energy invested in seeing teams win or lose that people are often faced with spending money to see their team win or lose or going to church where there never seems to be enough glitz or color. And in the course of having to ponder this we see tragedies. People get shot up, hurricanes happen and people who need are stripped of what little they have. With all this in mind what does winning and losing really mean. Apart from a strong spiritual base we are faced with more of the same. Abuse, neglect and abandonment take center stage so teams can battle to see who the best is. That does not keep me from wanting to see my team play-that is disturbing enough. It does keep me from getting too invested in scores knowing God already knows who is going to win and there is nothing I or anybody else can do about it. I need to make it clear that I am praying for Mr. Bower. I want strength and peace for him and healing at a soul level. Apart from prayer my own sense of spirituality goes to rot. I am in the same conundrum. I am faced with how important my job is with Uni-guard, even if it means losing out on a lot of money that would have sustained us through our continued financial stress. I hope I can remember that one soul is more important than any money or accolade I might receive. So what do I do? That is the real question. At a lot of levels I find myself wanting God’s will in the whole mess. Who knows what that means in the long run? As is I am sitting in a chair and feeling real sick and wondering if I want to go to work at all. I do not like my attitude in the least-most of the time I feel quite negative, which betrays any caring or compassion I claim to have. I am tending to have a lot of nightmares that reveal how pissed I am, how humiliated I feel and out of control in most if not all life situations. This incorporates my attitudes to people back East, who I seldom hear from, bad feelings of being stuck in a work situation that is most likely going to get worse than better and dissonance with my role in the church. What does it mean for me to be a minister anyway? I am an American Baptist ordained minister and can claim little solace in having attained that credential. In a manner of speaking misery loves company. No one likes to think of themselves as the only one suffering. I can only hope in letting go of this hurt in journal form is a reminder that there will be other pages to type. Knowing there is another word, before God’s last word gives me hope in entering a day, never sure how I will meet the challenge and in some cases whether I will meet the challenge at all. I am enjoying marriage again. I have decided that if loving one’s wife is like loving Jesus heaven cannot come soon enough. So I try to keep my head up. Better days are ahead. I can get caught in self pity. How do I wiggle myself away from it long enough to see it is never getting me what I want or need? At that juncture it is better to be mostly quiet seeking God’s voice out of the abyss of seemingly endless despair. I have already seen how much my big mouth can get me in trouble, so I pray when I do open my mouth only God’s Words are able to find their way out of it. January 5, 2013 A new year upon me and wow what a week!!! Right after I get back with Sharon and it looks like nothing can go wrong, I get the flu. And to top it off, I am in a major conflict with my coworker on nights. This is one of those times that I hope I am prayed up, because I am afraid it will not get any easier. I guess I should start with my tale of the flu. I felt a cold coming on Sunday and decided to rest up missing church and hoping to feel better by Monday. I enjoyed watching the Patriots win, between times of resting. My own resolve was to not get caught up in sports as much, especially noting that the score had already been decided long ago. This game was difficult to let go of, knowing Houston lost and the Pats could get a first round bye and the Patriots did not disappoint winning 28-0. I rested a lot and that was about it. That same day I got invited to the New Year’s Eve party at Cindy’s. My life feel like it is in a whirlwind since last year being invited to Thanksgiving dinner with my kids. I rested well and survived another contentious night with my partner totally confused about what was bothering him and determining not to blow up, considering at one point to give him money for his trouble-I restrained myself and am glad I did. After getting past my day at work, I went right to bed, looking forward to being with my kids on the condition my wife went with me. Sweetie was very gracious even talking with Cindy about what she might bring. Cindy pushed the time back to six, so I could have time to visit and it was more like old times in a new time. The pizza was over the top good and the rest of the snacks were good-I remembered some of them from the times we used to all be together before we got divorced. I enjoyed visiting and though sick felt well in a different sense. I had talked with Julie the day before and looked forward to getting together with her later in the week. We played a game called Phase 4 and then left-and that was a good thing, because my flu was just beginning to rear its ugly head. I was a bit taken aback that I did not get to stay until eight-thirty as I had hoped. Yet work would not have gone well if I had stayed any longer. Relating to Bowers was still really awful-it did help a lot to talk with Grayson. We talked about themes of staying centered by making friends with the quiet and not rushing in making a fool of oneself-it was better to shut down and feel peace in oneself before you felt at peace with the one you were in conflict with. There was even an etiquette portion of not speaking until you are spoken to, and therefore staying out of trouble. Sandals came over and I stayed up to watch the first half of Michigan against South Carolina. Then I crashed up stairs, not feeling a bit better-feeling better about the growing feeling dissonance at work and yet merely guessing at what was causing trouble. Much of my guess involved preoccupation with Sharon, meaning abandonment of reaching out to help him out right after he got out of the hospital. I was in a surly mood that week. Another day was spent in bed and I was more determined to get to the doctor-I felt wretched and called Haske to cancel Bible study. I hated to do it. I felt awful!!! I saw the doctor at about ten in the morning and was glad I did. I found out that I had a temperature of one hundred and two. On the positive side I lost at least fifteen to twenty pounds. I was officially pronounced as having the flu, despite having a flu shot and given medicine to combat it. Thursday, it finally came out. Bower had been upset about something he felt I written about him in my notebook. He claimed he found it on the floor and in his words it communicated that he was a “mother fucker”. He went on to say that he felt the same way about me-and the best he could do was to tolerate working with me. My response could not have been helpful. I was quite sick, so that needs to be taken into consideration. I spoke honestly about what he saw were thoughts I wrote at the suggestion of my therapist in the back of my notebook. I was going through a rough time dealing with PTSD issues. It did not go over at all well. The best I could do was say I was sorry, just before I went to the gate. I felt like a condemned man with a death sentence. What I guessed was indeed true-the man never liked me and to be truthful I was scared of his don’t mess with me attitude and was even getting tired of it. It was if the end of the world had come and here I was still far away from being healed and still needing to get through this day and another and then what? The answer I got in the silence was not one I wanted to experience-it was about what he did not want to hear about him. It was also about what I did not want to hear about me. So now I am faced with sorting out who I really am in all this mess and after that what am I going to do with it? Beyond that what do I do in the meantime? God give me strength. My dreams were quite active-one saw me getting back with my ex, which was disturbing to say the least. Then there were dreams of being with my mom and dad, with me being on the exhausted side. My dad’s presence was in the house, even if he was not there. On the other hand mom had all kinds of food stuffs that attracted my attention, especially sweets and a bag filled with money from somewhere, which I spilled all over the place-dollar bills and coins. We were living in a white house near where Brian Manson used to live a little further up the road. Kurt was also in the house. It was darkish and there was a need for me to get rest. I think this dream(s) spoke about a secret desire to get things back to they were (whatever that means), yet the reality is that I can never be back at the same place. Too much has changed. I regret the mistakes I have made and keep making. I have little or no control over consequences that have taken place and will take place. God give me strength!! January 6, 2013 Yesterday and today begin with all manner of mixed emotions. On the one hand was a dream that gave me hope. God was telling me that I needed to get back on to my feet and back into ministry. It happened on the throes of watching a movie called “Tangled”-some place in the movie it states what one does after a dream is realized the answer is to have a new one. My dream involved being back in a scholastic setting, more than likely college. I am talking with someone wanting to build and I share what I have learned from my experiences at Ruby Avenue. There was a need for a contractor. Soon after I was announcing a wedding to Sharon that I was entering into-it was if it was saying it was time to enter into a new chapter of ministry. That meant I needed to put my disappointments of the past behind me and stop punishing myself. The other bit of news is the least bit distressing. I called in to see if I could get a sick day and the answer was that I needed a doctor note, so I said I’d work anyway. Then soon after I get a call from Captain Charles saying that I was not working tonight and needed to talk with Major Shemwell in the morning. It is one thing to get a sick day and quite another to be told to call the major in the morning. So my mind races out of control. I wonder if my situation with my coworker at the Water department is putting me in a crisis situation. My first instinct is to be hypercritical at myself for putting something as racy as I did with Bowers name right next to it. I am back to the question now what? I need to get back to healing, resting up for whatever tomorrow may bring. This does not mean I will not be anxious between here and there. The job market is not good and given my present state-it leaves me with nothing but worry till I find out the reality of what I am dealing with. I guess for the rest of the day I can escape into attending to sports and look forward to a good night sleep tonight. It was fun following the Celtics game and see them rally from fifteen points behind to win by eight. The football games were pretty much no contest. I would have rather have seen Minnesota and Cincinnati win, sports like life go according to a script that is often not known until the game is over and the viewer is faced with either disappointment or a form of joy(very unstable to say the least), because there will always be another game. That kind of kicks me in the teeth right now. I have no idea what the script will be like tomorrow. I only know I can only take one day at a time. The more important type of news is Michael will have another son in May and have a wife who cares about me, despite the fact there will always be a measure of mystery as long as I have breath. The only joy that lasts is one that is founded in something or someone you can trust will be there. At the moment I trust that my faith in God will see me through as it has seen me through so many times in the past. I have more to learn about love and a hidden strength that keeps me going. Then after I learn about this I can pass it on to the people God has given me to care about. In the trying times there is hope-If God is for us who can be against us? It is a song that came to me when my life was going thru a tough time. It is one thing to have faith when everything is going smoothly, and quite another when there is uncertainty about who will be there to meet me on the other side of whatever obstacles that seem to always stand in the way. All I know to do is jump into life and see what will happen. January 7, 2013 Unfortunately it feels like everything is bottoming out. At least it feels that way at the moment. I slept little and am faced with having a meeting with Major Shemwell, knowing that I do not have my position at the Water Department and fear the worst. I realize things did not go that well while I was there. At the same time I am feeling real stuck as to how things will get better for me. On the more positive side things went real well at the doctors. He wondered why I was even there. There was no pneumonia as I had dreaded. He said the flu would last at least another two weeks. He gave me a pep talk, a couple new medicines and I was out the door. So what shall I expect out of today. I expect healing-a better handle on what I need to do job wise, which could be positive, negative or just confused. I am beginning to think that not knowing is a lot worse than dreading with all my being what could happen as a result of the meeting. I still have my wife, family and a relationship with God. I have good friends and a desire to work. I guess I will just have to wait what mystery God wants me to solve next, without hopefully a need to beat myself up and more than I have beaten myself up in the past!!! Limiting my journal type writing to the computer is a real good idea. As to my puzzling???? The meeting has since taken place. On one front I am satisfied, because it is obvious that Bower went to extraordinary lengths to get rid of me. Uni-Guard was not part of that equation. It was seen by them as strange and nothing more than that. When he went to the client-(over Uni-Guards head), that was the end of my chapter of working for the city in any water department type of services. At the moment I feel betrayed in big ways. It stirs up all the muck that for the longest time was settled making me think that I was on the right track. Now I realize that a lot is not settled and no amount of wishing or wanting is going to change that. I did feel supported-I need to realize that in the meantime I need to seek out alternatives to feeling the need to keep me from doing the same thing again due to the hurt I feel. I had believed Christianity was the one language that connected people from a wide range of backgrounds. Now I am left wondering what the other interpretation is that I seem to be missing out on. Once I figure it out will I come to the conclusion that my interpretation is any less viable. At best I can hope that I will respond effectively to what has come out of the silence and discover that God is always there to not only bless me but others whether I am able to care about them or not. That is the most difficult truth I take out of this experience. January 8, 2013 I am finding that life can be complicated. I have some major issues with being able to trust others. Nowhere is this more evidence than my relationship with my wife, the love of my life. I notice when someone knocks over my tower of credibility-I become as a victim who will never be treated fairly by anything or anyone. I hurt, yet I am aware this does not give me the right to strike out and hurt others. So I sit here feeling very alone. My sister back East is telling me to stand up for my rights. The voice inside of me tells me to get used to it, as if it is my birthright. Otherwise the hurt will grow that much more intense. On the positive side, I like feeling that there are people supporting me. Persons like Uniguard, Kim, Sweetie, Bill, Phil and Chris to name a few. I cannot help thinking I have no control over the jerks who disguise themselves as saints justified by their own righteous indignation. I pray for a time of healing spiritually. I do not like feeling cold and distant. I may feel totally out of control, yet God knew that it was going to happen. God is somehow in control. It’s against my better judgment to want to wish Bower and his family well-prosperity, good health, God’s love in all its fullness and every blessing between this moment and the time God takes them home. I need to let go. God will provide as in times past. Joseph was treated unjustly by his brothers and others beside. Yet he stayed strong in his convictions and even after many years in which he could have given up, he shares the love of God with persons who at one time wanted him dead. I lack perspective. I continue to attune myself to sports. I can feel upset that one my sports teams’ slaughtered and elated another wins a game people thought they’d lose. Life works the same way. It has its ups and downs-reality is forever beckoning me to look in the mirror and decide what the mirror is telling me about strengths and weaknesses. Sports will forever be an escape. I am faced with dealing with whatever trials come my way rather than give them over to a team that could care less about me or my problems. I trust in God’s time I will learn to stop blaming and begin naming how life can get better and look to others who can tell me the same. Dreams were strange and unsettling. I have pollywogs, about five or six. They represent good memories from days past and want to enter them into a pond in the back of the farm. I am faced with how much things have changed. There are big giant fish in the pond and they might eat my offering. Another part of me hopes they can grow into big fish that I might one day catch. Some things in life change-then there are others that will not change in a realistic way no matter how much I wish for them to change. January 9, 2013 Life gets more interesting all the time. I find myself feeling down when I am left with nothing to do but brood. I was glad to have opportunity to work at Swope Health Center yesterday. This is especially significant due to extent that my cold/flu was raging out of control just before I got there. I enjoyed opportunity to journal, puzzle, watch television and visit as opportunities presented themselves. It is just real interesting for me to watch people. One encounter was especially interesting. Near the end of my shift someone came toward me and claimed he knew who I was. His last name was the name of a trucking company that came through the water department. That was not the connection. It took a while before he was able to recall he remembered me from time I lived in Blue Springs, while I was using a filling service station he worked at. That connecting point lead to many other opportunities to share, even though he was quite a bit different from me personality wise. He was very mechanical and the jack of all trades, while I cherished the opportunity to enter his world and affirm his journey. I was able to see that God works in a lot of different ways. He was taking two friends with disabilities to the doctor, while my main intention was to be a safe person that one could resource in case there might be trouble of some sort. I found myself getting excited at the prospect of working eight hours the next day, then disappointed when it did not work out. I am glad in knowing God is somehow in control even as I find myself grabbing at some semblance of God’s presence not being far away. I enjoyed my bible study as Haske enormously. God used my raspy voice to share with others that God could use their voice to bless and encourage others. I was glad to interface my brokenness with the brokenness they were feeling. It made the world feel a lot safer knowing God did not mean any of us to solve life’s problems all by ourselves. So, I sit wondering what I will remember this day for. I am glad for more rest to heal from my flu and in the midst of my idleness discovering there is more to me than filling up time with visions of safety and productivity. Now how will the bills get paid? As if that is the only reason that God created for me to be here. I have reasons to think and dream. Okay God now it’s your move. Like Joseph who lived long before I was born I can see that all that takes place happens for a reason. I pray that I will capture the vision God has for my life. My dreamscape moves me to see people who are there for me, people like Chris, my pastor friend. There is also the commodity of time, which creates opportunity for more good work from God to flow through me. The food to partake of and share with others seems limitless. I have not arrived at my destination, which means there is lot more to learn and many more places to go, before I arrive at the place God desires for me to be above all else!!!! I was glad to take a long nap. I have also enjoyed watching basketball on the computer. Tension looms in the air, which makes you wonder what is being weaved. In between was a nightmare I do not remember. They have become more common place. The dream last night included some disable children with Chris. It is something that is missing. Back in my days working for Alternative Opportunities my gift was compassion. I had no doubt about it. Now I cannot help wondering what happened to that vision of God at work. Am I too late to recover the gift? It hurts to hear that I am unavailable. At the same time progress is being made in a strange sort of way. I learned that the silence Kurt thrust on me is now something I am glad to own. It is not so bad having him go with me everywhere. I am glad for the errors I do not make that I would have made in the past. Life has something to teach me-I don’t have to be impulsive. Maybe I can learn to live with my mistakes-It is not all my fault as I have been leading myself to believe. I enjoy writing and honestly believe if my writing can lead to my downfall, can lead to my resurrection. So I go forward to discern for myself what the role of unraveling the tangled confusion of my brain will show me about how I value not only myself, but others. God give me wisdom and strength. January 10, 2013 Here I am again. It must be obvious now that I am still looking forward to work. How else does one explain my writing frenzy of late? Dreams continue to be on the disturbing side. In one dream I see myself doing security and feeling a sense of terror, fearing for my life that I might get shot in pursuit of someone who may be causing trouble. In the dream I see Anthony Butler, one of the Captains at Uni-Guard talking about how dangerous he is in relation to all manner of danger. There is a hit man who is supposedly protecting from the worse that could happen. What if he misses? I continue to dream about my grandparents and their vitality. I seem paled in comparison. Even though they are dead they seem more alive than me-not a good feeling. I cannot continue to play a passive role in trying to figure out what is going on with work. I am glad to be feeling better-my flu continues to dissipate even if I have coughing fits at times. I feel on edge having only four and one-half hours this week. I am more than a little spooked. What does it mean? Are people giving up on me? I tend to always think the worst. I did watch the Celtics and Jayhawks win, which was another of those vicarious moments. Maybe I can get out and work out my salvation with fear and trembling. It will help to reestablish a routine. I have had little or no exercise of late. I have been concentrating on feeling better. I can only hope that all that is happening is preparing me for something better. It hurts to have to type this without knowing how to get my life back. It was easy to say I had a life with the structure that Uni-Guard provided. Now all the freedom leaves me feeling unraveled to the degree that I wonder if anyone out there can rewind what seems like an unmanageable mass of tangles. It reminds me of kite flying with my kids-It was fun to let go of the string and watch the kite soar above the trees. Over time one learned how to control the kite to some extent loosening and tightening the kite as it caught the wind. I long for that time of kite flying. I need to let go of the kite before it has a chance to fly. That is the same cross I bear as I examine what work means for me. I need to let go in order to see my life soar above the clouds. There is fear that entanglements could take place. The kite might even get caught in a tree and be ripped beyond repair. Faith means I can trust in something or someone besides myself. Help me God to trust that my life, like the kite I might fly makes it safely to wherever you would want it to go!!!!!! January 11, 2013 I guess I could say I am not working in more ways than one. At the center of the conviction is the reality if one part of me is not working other parts get the feeling they can take the day off. I continue to wrestle with feeling of anger toward Bower, which is no fun. I also dream and the dreaming is on the disturbing side. In one dream sequence I am interfacing with a surly Ed Outlaw (my chaplain supervisor). His demeanor mirrors that of my ex coworker. Ed does not have a clue about who I am and could care less. In the dream I see a sympathetic awakening when I tell him about my job situation. He shares how he has taken care of himself financially. I still feel patronized in the dream-I share that it would not be a good time for CPE. A part of me wants some manner of connection and another part of me just wants to know I can survive. The meaning of the dream speaks for itself. I am feeling like an outcast with nowhere to go I can call home. My only hope is to find people like Ed to humor me. It puts my work crisis in perspective. It feels like death at the moment. I have had only four hours and I still have to turn a time sheet in. I feel really awful spiritually, mentally and physically. The flu has something to do with it. Another part of the frustration is writing things on face book with no one responding. At some point I stop feeling sorry for myself. I hope to look for my profile with American Baptist If I can break out of my slow motion funk. My brain is doing a crazy dance. What could be worse than losing one’s job? My arms lift high to the sky reaching up to God and I thank God for setting me straight-if I hadn’t use my fingers to do the talking I’d be walking on higher ground. The last part of the dance I wiggle my body all around. It’s great to be alive-after all at least one youth lost his life to the flu. And the head twirls around and says you who, you who and we all come tumbling down. I do find myself getting more obsessed about sports. I see myself winning if a team I root for wins. The reality of that world view is that all teams eventually lose and even if they win that one game that is meaningful-everyone stares and says are they really that good? Because there will always be another game or comparison that makes wonder why you even cheered for them in the first place. I am fielding calls from hospice. On the positive side I am listening. It’s like this nice looking lady I am interfacing with in a dream with full knowledge I have my wedding rings on. I find myself questioning her morality and my own. The only thing I know to do is give her the book: children of divorce. After all despite whatever positive vibes the relationship is going nowhere. That is my honest to God commentary on sports-I have no investment in whether they win or lose monetarily, but like children of divorce I am on a merry go round hoping in time they will get married like in days of old and we will be one happy family. Today beckons-I can only write for so long, which could be a gift and grace-too bad I cannot find someone to pay me for not writing. On the other hand I do have an audience of one to enjoy my writing, therefore I think it best to let the juices in my brain ferment-there ought to be a good deal of oozing that even my sober fingers could not resist. I am finally officially able to experience the joy of work again. That was quite a drought. It’s another midnight shift-and I still have not got my time sheet to Uni-Guard. Other than that I was hitting home runs all day. I took Julie out to eat. I went to Argentine and am closer to getting fit again. I went to get my meds from the clinic. I checked out respite house. Life is a bit friendlier than it has been. To top it off I shot baskets for the first time in a long time and it was tolerable 87/200. I conversed on face book with everyone I could think of and in the process got to see a video of Julie at a birthday party for both her and Matthew. I did get some sour grapes from Dottie-I guess misery loves company. It takes time to heal. I can’t expect life to be back to normal any time soon. I fear for my bible study and life style. It looks like the Bush tax cuts have gone by the wayside. I am glad I can praise God. My dreams of late tell me I am dying of a broken heart-literally popping out of place and all my effort to rein it in seems to be in vain. I am not the only one suffering. Maybe in time I will look in the mirror and recognize that Jesus has been meeting me every moment through persons I am too preoccupied to ignore. God help me to see you in others and affirm that not only me, but everyone else you created are in your image!!!! January 12, 2013 I feel excited to have made it through another work day. I am amazed at how God is at work through others. At Penn Tower I could see God’s work through my relief. He talked about how good is to feel someone say that they appreciate you. It was spoken out of his life and transcended it. As he talked about his passion for meeting the needs of children I felt moved of the spirit to say he was right on target. The greater goal is to move beyond protecting to affirming and valuing in such a way that the person knows how to protect themselves. I wish that I could have had lessons like that growing up. When you don’t feel good about yourself it leads to punishing oneself and others around you. Here I sit hoping God can open up a path whereby I can get my voice back in a way that can lead others. I am more aware than ever about persons that distort the truth and by their actions render the Word of God void. I am feeling heartened to know that I am making some good decisions. There is reason to be hopeful. As long as I can dream there is hope for tomorrow. My main dream is to again feel the meaning and purpose that comes from meeting goals and helping people. I can see even if at the moment I am blind. The raw material is there and the purpose of finding ways to bind together-which I understand to be the essence of healthy spiritual faith is there to. There are times when the task ahead seems so large and grandiose. How will I ever catch up? There is also the inevitable hurt of missing family if I become too attached to the task, letting it capture me than me being served by it. This reminds me of Jesus saying we are not made for the task; the task has been fashioned to serve us. It may explain part to the reason he let go of the carpenter trade for a while. I am faced with what it means to serve and who do I want to serve. I just awoke from a nightmare that further explains my angst. There are memories of being separated from family, with injustice being part of the theme. I have seen a similar fate with my current work process. I feel like I am going crazy and there is little to keep me under control. For a time I do not even know why I act out. I see many people trying to keep me from being crazy without providing empathy-it is more about sympathy. After it is settled I realize that the more intense hurt is missing family, not having seen them for much too long. My internal processes feel violated in a sense. I am torn between wanting to go back and the fear of what happens to my sense of security if I do go back as if going back fixes everything. Here I sit very vulnerable. I am like a little kid having a temper tantrum. How do I regain a sense of being at home: being with family? I believe at least part of the task is giving myself to the here and now moment. It is not in yesterday or tomorrow that I will find my comfort. How do I find it now? There seem to be so many voices and pulls on my sensibilities. The foreign land is very seductive and dehumanizing. It is much easier to stay where I am at. The reality is that I cannot experience the words: you are appreciated in a familiar abusive setting. I need to find the safety for myself before I can go back or forward to give it to another. I pray that God show me a place where I can learn to be safe and pass on that truth to others!! I continue to attend to my ball games for some sense of relief and feeling a sense of being beaten up in the process. Teams win and lose. I can never feel very satisfied for very long with life from a sports perspective. Even if my team wins-it will lose eventually-my favorite player, respect and even a sense of being better than everyone else which is in no way real. Denver is one example of the disparity. Who in their right mind would even want to play Denver? Yet someone beat them by three points. Am I being honest to say that one team won and the other lost? The game went into overtime. The fate of these contests is as much who is playing better on that particular day? So I wait for my better sense of reality kicks in. Until then I will be tossed about on a sea of troubled water. January 13, 2013 I’m Feeling real whipped and beaten at the moment. My work hours continue to be on hold. I get warn out waiting. It feels more like a punishment than a blessing. I have experienced several nightmares which prompted me to write to see if writing can take the edge off what I am feeling internally. One dream sequence examines in detail my being distraught at my response to life’s stresses, which involves escaping by being crazy. “The church” treats me like I am not even there. The emphasis is on blessing women that got it right, one of them being a Kathy Arnold look-a-like. I experience being looked over and outcast. Then a former professor comes and tries to set people straight by putting a cross on the upper part of me. People get violent and show their true colors. They no longer look to be the examples of what a Christian is supposed to look like. In the dream I laugh. In my awakened state it does not feel very funny. I look at Dr. Fish as a savior of sort after I have already relinquished hope of ever being a pastor again, because it has not worked out. I am left wondering now what am I going to do. Ministry has been the only work that I geared up for. I feel naked and alone-what different would happen with anything else I did. In dreams that follow I eat some gruel type of stuff that has whole fish in it. I am convinced by another person that it is edible and will not hurt me. What makes me paranoid and fearful is knowing that the persons who are serving it to me-people of an Asian type of descent that have taken us prisoner. The story this dream reminds me of is the book by Solzhenitsyn: One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch. The main character is in a concentration camp for doing little or nothing wrong and is faced with enjoying gruel and working as a slave-surviving. It mirrors what I feel at the present moment. Life seems more unpredictable and unforgiving. The hope in it all is finding a way to portray to others that the crucifying that they are doing is in essence revealing their own depravity. They are only appearing saintly to condemn and make themselves feel right. As I wake up I see myself seeking ways to raise up the ones the church crucifies and showing them a God who truly cares. The last nightmare was feeling the loss of my children in a house that is falling apart. It is not a place that I want my kids to see me in. The dream sees me in tears in utter despair. I don’t see myself as having anything to offer my kids who seem to have it all. All social activity is at my ex-wife’s house. I find myself trying to find ways to get back into my kids lives. I see Julie as an infant and I long to change her diapers as in times past without thinking I am some kind of derelict. In the dream I cannot find the diaper bag and am left feeling foolish. I see myself running in muddy type of conditions trying to exult in the fact I am in better shape. Emotionally I am exhausted. I feel the need to call them and tell them I need a substitute child. Just before I do they come over and I find myself ashamed of where I live. They feel sorry for me and bring friends with them to get me to feeling better about the relationship. Julie is older in this scene and I get interested in their toys and what they are reading. I show them books that I have kept for them from their childhood. The overall feeling is that I love my children and miss the experience of having family. The house I am in with Sharon feels like a mess-Sharon is very sympathetic. There is a feeling that change will not come fast enough. At least we have warmth to share and it does not cost anything. In one of the parts of the dream there is an invitation to want to share our love. I feel down and depressed and am unable to have any interest. I feel damaged. I am glad that I made it to church. I have opportunity to go a bit later also. The title of the message was “Who Are You?” It seemed to be a perfect message for what I was experiencing. I am having trouble dealing with having someone who calls themselves a Christian and believes it attacking me and making me the cause of whatever hurt he felt. I might as well have called him something that I did not associate with him at all. He was always someone I feared and respected. I can only assert that my way of dealing with my hurt internally through writing was a lot better strategy than getting very apologetic and thereby setting up from him more abuse. I am left with my own words: “Let’s see how it all plays out”. It was difficult to be in church. The church has always been the safe place for me and yet all kinds of memories come to the surface, when I get inside and worship I am reminded of wounds that do not seem to want to heal. I picture myself in front of a church hung up on a cross and would it even matter to anyone? In the name of Christ all manner of hurt is being rendered to persons who are undeserving. When does the resurrection take place? In the meantime what happens with the persons-enemies we are asked to call down blessing on? I need the Spirit of Joseph to be in me, as I continue to attempt to get on with my life. God give me patience and wisdom to handle more hurt on the horizon. Let it some kind of way point others to Jesus. It is the best I know to pray-Jesus died for a reason-use whatever happens to me or anyone else for that matter to bring others closer to a true understanding of God’s love. January 14, 2013 My writing does not seem to help of late. Most of my dreams of late are nightmares. In one dream there is the violent demeanor of someone in the guard shack-I fear for my life. In another dream I am being shot at and the passenger with me gets hit. Then there is the dream of going to a place of incessant tangled weeds to fish. There are dreams about family that are distant and unapproachable. It does not make for writing that anyone wants to read. There is too much about me-I can only hope resolution of the struggle can give someone else hope. Much of my angst comes of feeling I am a victim. It feels like anything that I do will put me in a deeper trench. I am reminded by almost anything that happens of a squeeze being put on me that I cannot get loose of. Part of it is a spiraling out of control sense of powerlessness. I feel anger and just as soon feel guilty for it. I let my feeling of anger on the outside spin internally. I feel anger toward Uni-Guard for not giving me any hours. I am instantly reminded of my time at Taunton State hospital when getting a job was the only way to get out. Yet at the same time I was harboring resentment about being taken advantage sexually and there was no one safe that I could talk about it with. Over time that anger has been nurtured by counselors who said I just need to get over it. He had needs. My own sense of shame in relation to anger makes me stuff it-otherwise I am being unforgiving. The fact Stephen was a black man seems to make it more complicated, because I feel that I owe them a debt, especially after reading a book called “Black Like Me” and just before my illness entering into a relationship with a black man whose mother was a prostitute. That was what was getting him through college. It is like a lure, even a trap-I want to take care of someone I feel sorry for and I get bit in the ass. The worst part of it is that when someone else gets hurt to the point they want to kill themselves-I am left frozen, paralyzed feeling that no matter what I do will in some way label me as a co-conspirator to murder. This was the case in regards to Jerry Profit, a patient who was said by Stephen to be all fixed up (sexual implications). Not long after that conversation Jerry was on top of the roof of Taunton and jumped off, paralyzing him from the waist down and I felt helpless to do anything to stop it from happening again. After all over and over Stephen said that I was committed for life-I was never getting out. Who would listen to me, if I was really that crazy? As I fast forward to the present I feel just as lost. Mr. Bower was a black man, who called himself the white sheep in the family of black men. He was always reading the bible and talking about God. He pictured himself as a victim of abuse, even if he never called it that. He often berated me and I never felt like I could stand up to him. Much of the time that I worked with him I felt suicidal. He would call me a jackass, an idiot, petty-not thinking about what I said, and claimed I was messing with him-causing him to lose his faith and if I did not stop, he would mess with me. He asked me if I was gay or something, when I smiled at him or dared to look him in the eye. I stayed and kept my mouth shut for the same reason that I kept my mouth shut with Stephen. I felt like I must be crazy, even if I never said I was. How could one not like Mr. Bower? All the women idolized him and most authority figures looked up to him and thought he was somebody special. I refrained from telling my story because my gut said he would use it against me. Near the end I could only think of Stephen-as if he was Bower. I could not shake loose. I kept a journal to keep a safe distance. When things were at their worst, it was suggested to me by my counselor that I keep a notebook with my feelings in it. The objective was to keep track of my feelings, so that I could be more available to work and others. It was during this therapy session in December that I was seeing myself as a mother fucker and feeling like I wanted to hurt myself. My recording of my feelings in the back of my notebook involved sharing feelings in relation to a situation or a person. I wrote Mr. Bowers name at a time he was implying I was a jackass for going to the trash gate rather than letting him do it. I thought I was doing him a favor-he did not see it that way. I love to sing, yet he made it clear to everyone including me that I could not whistle or sing. I was constantly feeling I was on the defensive. My notebook was opened on the floor and he seized the opportunity. He took out the pages in the back of the notebook without my consent, giving them first to Uni-Guard and then to the client, who would eventually drop me from the account. One of my last conversations with him, which took place the day before I was officially canned he remarked that I called him a mother-fucker and he felt the same way about me. I felt beside myself. The previous day I had fought to survive work with a 102 degree fever. Now I was being called a name and he did not want to hear my explanation of what was in the notebook. I said I was sorry-that was all I knew to do. The next thing I knew I no longer had a position at the water department and was black listed from all other opportunities in places that had the name water in it. I never had a last word about what was really meant. Bower said he felt I threatened him and that was all the client needed to know. I felt violated in every sense of the word. When I go to church, when I think of not having work, when I am faced with my wife’s frustration at what I do or don’t do and when I write on face book my journal gems and there is little or no response-I feel betrayed. The same tool I used to keep me grounded and available to the moment was used to betray me. I do not know if I can ever feel comfortable that my writing will continue to buoy me and make me feel better. There are too many reminders in my daily routine that I am for some unknown reason being left behind. The lack of effective relating to my kids, and the ever increasing distance from Massachusetts, day by day, year by year are reminders that family is more mirage than reality. I fear the dark side of me. How do I keep myself from being manic and losing the only relationship that helps me want to live? I am glad I can write and yet I wonder why I do it. There is always the possibility that it will betray me again. I still want to be a pastor and yet who will believe me? In too many ways I feel betrayed-all I need to do is look at my wild scraggly hair in the mirror. Lately I have not even wanted to shower. I feel like I am a mad man, despite myself. The flu is dissipating, but there are too many reminders all around me that it is not well with my soul. I saw the crisis counselor and was told to stop going back and forth like a yoyo between past and present. The main focus is to stay within the context of the facts despite all the associations I make between the past and the present. That means things like securing my journal, exercising, taking a shower-clean up my act, rest, meeting with supervisor to make decision about what options I have. I will see Phil at two o’clock tomorrow. The fix will not happen overnight. It is too tempting to be creative and make associations. Where does that leave me? Today it was enough to get to the crisis center and determine to make it through today. I have rested, but was unable to sleep. I straightened out a scheduling conflict and restored some cleanliness. I considered getting a haircut and began to look at my unemployment information. I am enjoying watching the Celtics and was glad to understand Respite house better. I only wish I had more answers. I still feel a lot of rage. I hope to move closer to signing up at Argentine and getting time with Shemwell. I can only take one day at a time. Part of my resolution is to not let work take over my life as I have done in times past. I trust God to provide. At the moment I feel very vulnerable. To have an outlet for my writing will help me-it is obvious face book is not helping me develop those skills. I can only hope that my flu flies away. I am still coughing a lot more than I want to. The fact of the matter is that I am not well enough to work. January 16, 2013 This is one of those days when I wonder if things are getting better or worse. I don’t feel as compelled to hunt out Bowers. I am realizing that even dead I would be haunted by my inability to manage myself. I am hoping I will get a few more hours. I have only four thus far. The adventure beckons and at least for now I have a safety net with unemployment. It is an unwelcome inconvenience completely out of my control. What I can control is developing a routine and getting my respect back. I need to take a chapter out of what happened last month. All the talking and exertion is not going to do me a bit of good. I still am in denial and am faced with waiting which I hate more than anything else. I have a wife that will be supportive-that is all I can hope for. I see the journal as a tool to help me get back in the saddle and even determine what that means. I have set up an appointment with Dick on Friday. I have already me with a crisis counselor. I had therapy with Phil and am shooting baskets-it would be nice if some of the baskets went in. It is a learning process. I have also signed up for the gym at Argentine community center. I need to look at people like Bill, who continue to get through each day without a job. He has done it for nearly as long as I have known him. My motto is to not lose heart or lose face. Much of what needs to take place is taking concrete steps that will aid me in being more active and alive. I have children I can visit with and maybe this will be an opportunity to go back East for a short trip. Right now it looks scary. I need to move out of my frozen mode and move; so that I know that I can live through-one day at a time. So here I sit in a more or less paralyzed state. I have a choice to stay and do nothing-which means I can find a puzzle book rest, read, get a movie and look forward to sports on television. I can also continue on the road to recovery-I write, shoot baskets, and set up appointments to do things like a bible study and work out. Then there are places like church and solace house that can occupy my time. If I am well enough I can do art group. At the moment I feel less than filled with enthusiasm. Nurturing means that I will not overbook myself. There is that little boy inside that does not want to take any more blame. There is no need to punish myself-it does me and others little or no good. In the long run it gets abuse to happen to those close to me: “misery loves company”. The real world is knowing, I need to carve out time for pleasure and rest. I am stressed to the max, not having a job. My dad was my role model and all he knew to do was work. That also meant he was not available. This is maybe my last chance to look at the issue of being available-first to myself, then to others. At the moment I admit to dwindling, feeling little or no hope. I can relate to what my Dad went through at the end of his life. The best I know is to set up supports that communicate to myself and others that I am refusing to be alone. In the sphere of my dreams, I wrestle with what it means to be intimately involved with others outside of work. For so many years work has identified me. My dreams speak of going back to school, even a Catholic school like Stonehill where I can become more rounded and available. I see myself in a chaplain role. Maybe a last thrust into chaplaincy could at least help me feel better. I am not ready at the moment. I am too defeated. I need to give myself at least a month to heal with my ego state. Then again I can dive into pastoral ministry. I won’t know until I try. In my dreaming I see myself as lucid and available in the college setting. I see familiar faces like Cheryl Decosta-speaking like a motor mouth and less attractive that I remember trying to get a point across. I consider the high cost-in the dream there is monetary liability. Closely connected is the whole idea of intimacy in a marital relationship. I am no fun to be with when I am feeling lowly. There is a warning. I am like a snipe waiting for timing to zap someone even someone who sees me in a marital role. In my dream I am calloused in telling my ex that she is full of shit. I am guilty and feel awful and yet a part of me could care less. When I neglect myself, I could care less about others feelings. I am also less apt to want to contribute financially running up a debt that will not be paid back any time soon. February 10, 2013 It’s been about four weeks since my last entry. A lot has happened. This is the hardest entry to write, so bear with me. On February 3rd on a Friday I lost the master keys or maybe they lost me. The last time I remember having them was locking Gate A at around 8pm. I took a forty-five minute lunch and then went out on a golf cart for all of fifteen minutes checking to see if the gates were all locked in the various parking lots. Between nine and ten-thirty I was watching a basketball game on ESPN. It was the Lakers against Minnesota. I am a Celtics fan and the Lakers are not my favorite team-I was hoping they’d lose and they won anyway. My relief came at ten-thirty. I went through my pockets and the keys were gone. From there ensued all manner of disconnection. I was anything but in a state of “withness”. I searched for what seemed like an eternity and had others who searched with me and along the way giving me all kinds of advice. I searched for those keys a total of thirty hours. I was desperate. I knew losing those keys would potentially lose me my job. Eight of those hours, I did not even get paid. The security company told me that I could not go home until the keys were found. I spent seven frantic hours looking, slept an hour and was back to work for my 7am to 3pm shift. At one point I thought I was going to lose it and called a crisis center. I am not sure I have ever known as much hurt and even a sense of humiliation. I am writing this, so that you with me can experience some kind of connection and perspective. On Wednesday, February 6th I was terminated from working by my security company. They let me know it was nothing personal. Everyone was angry at the fact the keys were lost. It was all about business. They appreciated my work ethic but, because of the lost keys and some other things that happened, (which you can read about elsewhere in my journal), I was toast. It has taken a while to digest everything that has happened. I have been close to numb and in a lousy mood for most of the week. I have sought escape in a writing site that I enjoy. I have worked out, been counseled by a therapist, and cancelled all manner of appointments. It was as if my life was all but lost. I have come to some conclusion and I am sure that you who are reading this are coming to conclusions of your own. I have been hurt long enough by a job that I thought was keeping me safe. Security is anything but security. If you don’t please the client you are gone. I am putting my feeling on the line. I could write a lengthy diatribe against God. We have not been on the best of terms lately. Instead I will say something that might sound strange, even crazy. After countless hours of stewing and being constantly chastised by company, co-workers and clients, I have decided that God lost those keys for me. On the outside it might seem that I must have been hitting the bottle or smoking weed. Don’t think I have not thought of doing that kind of thing. I choose to believe that God saw me suffer long enough and now it is time to discover if I can know how to recover my lost sense of security. So I plead with you to walk with me to see what happens. Thanks for listening. I have not given up writing yet!! February 11, 2013 The dreams have been very disturbing of late. There have been dreams about zombies that need a flashlight put on them to keep them at bay. Fear is all that is left to breathe. Then there are pieces where I see Frances, person I used to take care of and I feel so damn inadequate to do anything I the chaos of the hospital setting. The latest dream was no less disturbing. I am with ex in a store type of setting. We get separated. I find myself in a place with familiar peers-faces from scholastic past. There is wine to drink and I think of Sharon (my wife) as I slowly drink it. I think to myself that I could like this stuff. It is kind of like pop. Then, I catch myself and leave after a couple sips. I have decided falling in love with liquor of any type contains too high a cost. In the shopping place I find myself I see a man who laughs at me, because I cannot find my wife’s phone number. In this part of the dream it is the phone number of my ex. I meet up with Cindy and laugh with her about calling her my wife. She does not seem quite so humored. There is the nostalgia of what could have been. There is a reliving of the good times, knowing we will never experience them again. I go up to get the items I paid for. The theme for today is realizing that for whatever reasons you sell out and forever second guessing yourself as to whether anything could be different. It is like being a part of a fractured fairy tale. In one part of the story you might seem like you are the hero, after all you refused to be seduced by that cup of wine. On the other hand you most definitely sold out and you wonder if there is anything at all that can be redeemed from it. February 17, 2013 I am trying to cure myself of my wayward trysts into oblivion. I find myself straying away from entering into my journal/journey. It is if to say I have already arrived. Thus I begin my journal for today with the dialogue and ambiance of a dream. Head Guard-Here you are Peterson you screwed up and that means you have only one place to go. I am handed a gun, a pistol kind of gun with a big handle. Do you know how to use it? Me-I think I know exactly how it works and I find myself ruminating trying to conjure up how it might work. I cherish the opportunity of working over admitting that I don’t know anything about guns. Can I convince them I really have it figured out or do they already know? (There are seven other guards in the squadron and they all seem to know what they are doing. Head Guard-This will be your mission you will take turns guarding the mass of a new multimillion dollar church. (You recall one of the priests in your journey talk about dying as if it were the actual body and blood of a living Jesus. Something about it appeals to me. The scene shifts to a housing project, really just one house in the process of being erected. I still have my security hat on. I catch a ride with a wild man Gus is his name it has his jeep flying over a fence and through persons who celebrate unaware. He finally gets to the place. I am breathless. Me-what’s this all about anyway? (My eyes are directed to a family that has hit on some bad luck and are trying to redeem something out a difficult situation. One the guards: Roger has all the common sense approaches to what they are going through. Roger-I see exactly what you need it you get this gear and part you will have solved what seemed like an impossible puzzle to solve. (I am in awe of his knowledge-I am the last one to ask to solve a mechanical problem). The mother of five children comes to the forefront: Mother: I see God as a part of the solution to all this somehow. (I hear the children speaking in religious overtones). (My countenance lights up-until that moment I felt like a useless appendage. Me-I am a pastor- I am willing to provide a service to you and your children. (She does not seem so sure-her expression lets me know my timing is off. Roger-thanks for your help you sure did a good job cutting that diamond. (I did not know what the heck he was talking about. I was glad to have a reason for being there and realized everyone had a reason to be a part of the mission. Me-(saying to no one in particular) so how do we protect ourselves? I need to have target practice-I know absolutely no experience with a gun and what about a bullet proof vest. (I want to live- this means I want to be safe with other like me called to serve God even if it meant my life. So what do I make of all this banter in real time. I made it to church and heard a sermon about transformation and the need to give up something for lent. With gun in hand I am no doubt ready for action. It would be better for people to stay away from me on one of my bad days. Somehow life goes on. I long for a job, a more confident feel for who I am as a man and what I have to offer others. I have enjoyed my journey in writer villa. I am content with being a more competent reviewer, which might say something about the person God created me to be. The reviewing of pieces carries with it a reward-I can often see myself in the mirror of another person’s word and reflect that back to them. I pray that means I am feeling better about myself-in some ways better connected and whole. I am glad for this present chapter in my life. I have absolutely no idea where it will lead. I only know over time I am growing to like what I am becoming. I like the idea that I am heading back East to see the family that I have not seen for over five years and they seem excited to see me. I bring with me a sense of wanting to “write” wrongs. What is justice anyway? I anticipate what I will learn even as I find myself looking for a job. My writing buoys me even if no one will take the time to read it-I am discovering underneath all the tangles of thoughts still waiting to be expressed is me. February 18, 2013 I got tickets for Julie’s show and I feel good about that. I am eternally grateful for my daughter. Thing will get real busy after today. I hope I can hang on for the ride. Again I include dialogue from another dream. Who knows where it will go. Me: I feel called to check out another way to learn. The need to protect the eucharist. |
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