Hi Mr. Bean

When I look over the "Please Review"  page, I'm often after a title or a description that catches my eye and all but forces me to select the item to read. Your title and description told me very little about your story, but the description got my attention anyway. It is supremely gutsy to finally put a story onto paper and then to throw it out to the public. I hope you felt a massive sense of relief once you'd done so, and are busily writing up more stories to share.

Let no one tell you that you can't write, but also make total use of each and every review and email/comment you receive (even those that might be negative). To this end, I hope the following review of "Untitled"  is helpful to you. It's all just my opinion so do with it what you will.


Reader Impressions
When you started off with the introductory blurb, I found it a little difficult to move from that 'reality' to the fiction below. In fact, I spent a lot of the time wondering if the blurb was part of the story, or the story more non-fiction than fiction. To that end, I'd actually suggest you put the introduction into your Bio (in your portfolio) and let the story stand straight out, without introduction or reason.

Overall, this is a rather creepy little story that was nicely matched by the cold autumn night during which this tale is told. You labelled this as a suspense/thriller and I thought it worked well within this genre - the creeping lights approaching the house (with obvious mal-intent), the past horror that occurred, and also the fact that someone was up in the room watching that approach. The feeling of being watched has got to be the most scary feeling ever, even if the watcher is the narrator!

It's well written too, so I don't think you have anything to worry about there. There's probably the odd comma issue but since I sort of ignore comma issues myself I won't pick them out for you! I had no problems with the general flow of the story nor with any ability to understand what you'd written.


Strengths
Though part of me wanted more information - such as a clearer idea of what happened to Amy (did she just get lost in the woods, was she abducted etc) - another part of me liked that you didn't give that information. In short, you made the story suspenseful and you gave me enough little strands that I could try to come up with these answers myself. Including discovering why the brother is hiding up in the room - is he seeking revenge, is he actually a ghost (not entirely sure where that came from but it did cross my mind) etc. It's a fine line between making the reader think about the story and making the reader exhausted with the thinking; however, you've done a nice job of doing the former.

This is a tiny story, but you've packed in so many visuals that it feels much bigger. By that I mean that I could visualise quite clearly the woods, the fence, Amy, even the playing out in the woods. Any writer who can create a 3D world in which I can view the story gets my tick! Your use of a first person narrator also pulls a reader in, and I think first person is absolutely perfect for any suspense/horror type of story.

I've a feeling the story is truly untitled, but I think that works as a title in its own right. It adds mystery and suspense, and almost a sense of 'if I give it a real title then it becomes too real'. This is the kind of story we'd hope like heck was only fiction.

It is there I can see the lights peek out from behind trunks and dance their way to hide behind another. - I love this line. It is very visual but also slightly disturbing. The peeking and dancing imply kids having fun, playing games but there's nothing fun about these lights.

Amy, a memory bouncing where nothing but a broken, metal frame remains. - As with the above sentence, you've combined nice and not nice together, and it's really powerful here. The ruins of the trampoline itself lend to the scary side of the story, and I think any reader could easily visualise the narrator's memory of his sister on a trampoline and then that trampoline slowly turning into the wreck it is, even as Amy is still there smiling and bouncing. (I would suggest here that the second comma is removed as it's not required.)

I lost almost every time, after all, is that not what big brothers are for? - a very simple sentence but one that easily shows the love the narrator had for his sister.


Suggestions
This might not be an easy thing to do, but I wondered if you could put a time-frame within the story. I could tell that there'd been some years between Amy's obvious disappearance/death but since I presumed the three men just slithering in the gate are the same three responsible for what happened to Amy, I thought that not too many years have gone by or else there'd be some difficulties with the age of the characters. The house is obviously abandoned so that adds to the 'years', but just how many have gone by?

Another question I have is, why are the men coming back? If the house is abandoned (and clearly is so) why would they be back? Quite aside from me saying above that it's good to leave out some 'facts', this one I think you need to add in; even if it is something so simple as 'to finish what they started' or 'to relieve the house of the final ornaments'. Time has passed yet the men have come back, and somehow the brother is there waiting (actually it's probably that fact that made me wonder if he was a ghost!); the suspense gives way to a giant WHY?

I again hear laughs, but these laughs are not of my darling sister. Her blonde pigtails and red ribbons are many years removed, these are deep foreboding laughs and they are coming in my direction. - I like these sentences but I think they need a slight change because your main topic is the laughter and so the physical description of Amy feels a little out of place (even though it's wonderful). I'm not saying remove it, but rather something like this: I again hear laughter, but these laughs are not of my darling sister; her blonde pigtails and red ribbons are many years removed. These are deep foreboding laughs and they are coming in my direction.

It was that very same gate that the three men just slithered through into my family’s former backyard. - this last paragraph is back in the 'present' again, so I think the 'it was' should be 'it is', since the rest of the story is told in the present tense.


Closing Comments
Mr Bean, if this is your first story, then I don't believe you've got anything to worry about in the future. It's a great little piece, full of strong description and staying true to the genre. I had questions, yes, but that's probably just me being nit-picky.

I look forward to reading many more of your stories, and welcome you to a long happy writing life here on Writing.com. And if you have any queries about this review, please don't hesitate to send me an email.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .