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Review by Dave
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Greetings, Sawyer !

Welcome to this wondrous writing community. You are off to a great start in posting your first items and getting acquainted with fellow wordsmiths through the reviewing process during the few days you have been among us. The following observations are offered in grateful response to the request you made in your Review of "A Bicycle Renaissance" , but they are nothing more than one man's opinions, so take them or leave them for whatever you think they may be worth.

Slam poetry is actually part of the oral tradition to be performed before an audience, as described in the following link: https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/text/brief-guide-slam-poetry . Therefore, additional visual elements of communication, such as facial expressions and body movements, are available to those practicing this discipline. The suggestion that this is slam poetry probably came from the stage directions included in your narrative, such as "Fade," "Black," and "Darkness."

The dialogue between your two protagonists quickly establishes a sense of tension to engage the audience, but the reader has no idea who these people are or where this is happening.

Composers of normal poetry are restricted to word pictures and matching rhythm produced by words written on the page. Imagery is the lifeblood of any composition. Like a craftsman carving, molding, painting, and polishing wood, stone, or some other material, the wordsmith uses words to shape and paint pictures that present some lyrical impulse or spiritual truth. Rather than TELLING the reader about those feelings, the writer SHOWS the impressions through distinct images that project emotional overtones and associations with other images and events. In this way, the creative writer stirs an emotional response from the reader.

While the dialogue with its short, staccato phrasing, along with your use of the present tense verbs, generates a distinct tone of intensity, the shift to past tense in the fourth stanza/paragraph creates a sense of distance in the reader's mind.

Overall, you have taken the first step by capturing your thoughts/memories about these painful events on paper. Keep working to clarify the characters and setting to transform this golden nugget into the magnificent jewel that it can be, as Sylvia Plath did in her poem Daddy: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/178960

Here's wishing you fair winds as you continue to navigate this universe known as Writing.Com.

Let the creativity flow from your soul! *Cool*
Dave
"The Poet's Place " 
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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 03/03/2016 @ 3:18pm EST
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