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51
51
Review of Starship Sentry  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* Hi again, J.A. Powell! *Star*
Here’s my review on your story:



*Snow1* A. TECHNICAL TYPOS, ILLOGICAL SENTENCES, AND WORDING *Snow1*


         There are some mistakes I found, but they’re quite minor and easy to fix. Here they are:


*Snow1* Paragraph 16 *Snow1*

““Why do you suggest this, Main Sensor?” Asked the Sentry.”

*Idea* I think it should be:

““Why do you suggest this, Main Sensor? ” asked the Sentry.”

*Snow1* Paragraph 23 *Snow1*

“Surely, thought the Sentry, Commander was aware that Sentries were not just third dimensional beings.”

*Idea* I think it would be better if you italicised or single-quoted the thoughts.

*Snow1* Paragraph 24 *Snow1*

“In third dimension the Sentry's abilities were limited, and communication was more difficult.”

*Idea* I think a comma should be added:

“In third dimension, the Sentry's abilities were limited, and communication was more difficult.”

*Snow1* Paragraph 30 *Snow1*

“The Sentry snapped to, his loyalty emotion long ago programmed to override his thoughts.”

*Idea* I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be “snapped too” or what, but this sentence sounds awkward to me… -_-; Oh well, maybe it’s only me… :P



*Exclaim* B. CHARACTERS *Exclaim*

         Man! You got me on this one! I never thought that the characters are not like what I thought they are! Genius!

The Sentry

         Our ‘hero’! I first thought that he was some kind of an alien. Then, I thought that he was a robot. Then again, as the story develops, I noticed that The Sentry was dog-like, so maybe he was a dog-robot like the infamous dog-android-alien Pemalite or something from the serial Animorphs™! But then again, I figured out that he is your everyday dog… Thus, we saw some very familiar characters: care, loving, loyalty… I like The Sentry as I’m somewhat a dog lover (yes, despite my handle)! n_n Gee, why don’t I think that The Sentry was a dog, before? You’re marvellous!

The 'Commander'

         Commanding, wise, and honourable. These re the characteristics I got when I first read about him. Then again, he’s also your average… human. :P Not that I’m disappointed or anything, though. In fact, I smiled when I figured out that The Sentry and commander were actually a man with his dog. The man sounds like in the middle of his 20s or 30s, and was dating with his girlfriend when the whole scenario took place… How unthinkable! This is so cool!



*Note1* C. PLOT *Note1*

         The plot is so well-thought and well-written! It takes quite a genius to convert a seemingly boring everyday life event into an ‘action’-filled, scientific story! The way you disguised the house as a starship and Earth as the mothership is totally creative! Not to mention that you make The Sentry a.k.a. the dog ‘talked’ with his senses in a very robotic way! It’s quite an anti-climax story, but definitely a good and entertaining one! I’ll surely remember this story’s plot for a long time! Great! n_~*



*Heart* D. SCENE *Heart*

         The scenes are well-described and creatively modified! I actually pictured The Sentry’s setting/domicile as a very Star Trek- ish starship while he worked with several cables and talking, robotic screens with various lights! Heck, I surely am surprised at the end! The doglike robot in my mind’s eye turned into a real, brown (I pictured the dog as a brown small dog :P) dog! That, of course, because of the clear descriptions! Well done!



*Right* E. LOGIC IN STORY *Left*

         There are 2 things that confused me:

*Right* You wrote, in paragraph 24, about the fifth dimension. What exactly *is* the fifth dimension? I never heard of it!

*Right* You also wrote, in paragraph 25, that The Sentry (a.k.a. dog) developed in the “Alfa Canis Mayor” star system. But dogs don’t come from there, right? Thus, it will interfere with the facts… If I’m mistaken, please enlighten me! :P



*Blush* E. WRITING STYLE *Blush*

         You have a nice writing style, in here! You seem to be very flexible and knowledgeable in your writing! I noticed that your writing style in “Hogs ‘n Hens” and in this story are totally different! O_o; This is such a hard thing to do, but yet you did it! I won’t be surprised if you’re a published author already! Awesome!



*Sick* F. FORMAT/APPEARANCE *Sick*

         Like always, your story’s layout is good. The paragraphs are not too bulky (only some) and well divided. I still thinks about indents using, though… Anyway, why don’t you bold or underline the title, author’s name, and the closing? I think they would stand out more if you do! Please consider this! :)



*Reading* G. BEST PART *Reading*

         My favourite part is when I found out that The Sentry is actually a dog! I smiled and said, in my thought, something like: “What the-?” or “Whoa. It turns out to be…” Anyway, I also like the part where the dog’s master said that he went out with Ellen! So *that’s* what the dog translated as “alien”! Very funny! ^0^



*Bigsmile* H. OVERALL *Bigsmile*

         In overall, this is a nice, creative story! The typos are minor, the characters are unexpected, and the plot line and writing style is superb and highly creative! Therefore, I think this story deserves a 4,5-star rating! Well done! Congrats and keep writing! n_~*


~Cat-Claws.
52
52
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Star* Hi, spidey! *Star*
Here’s my review on your poem:


*Snow1*A. TECHNICAL ERRORS*Snow1*

Btw, since this is a free verse poem, I don’t include rhyme in here. :P

*Heart*GRAMMAR & PUNCTUATION*Heart*

         I don’t quite understand this one:

“Taken from him long ago,
he was patient
and waited.”
(Paragraph 4, line 6-8)

I don’t understand what’s taken… Is it love? I was so stupid… -_-; Anyway, maybe you’d want to change “was” into “is” for the sake of parallelism in the sentence. :P Anyway, there’s no other problem! n_~*

*Heart*RHYTHM*Heart*

         The rhythm flows nicely, the expression and the feelings of the narrator is clearly shown by your choice of the vocabularies… Well done! n_n

*Idea*B. LAYOUT*Idea*

         The layout is readable enough, but maybe you should bold the title of the poem to make it more stand out. :P

*Note1*C. WRITING STYLE*Note1*

         You are a great poetry writer! ^0^ The poem is so abstract I have to actually read it 3 times for me to understand the meaning behind it! n_n; Is it about a woman’s spirit aching to meet her lover and pled Death to take his dying lover right away? ‘-‘ Correct me if I’m wrong… -_-; Anyway, it’s cool! n_~*

*Blush*D. BEST PART*Blush*

         I like this line:

“I rejoice in the splendor of Death.”

The paradoxical statement is compelling! ^0^ The statement itself could go to a long, in-depth, philosophical thinking! n_n;

*Right*E.OVERALL*Left*

         Overall, this is a nice poem! ^0^ I like the in-depth and complexity of it! The selection of vocabularies which are woven neatly and beautifully add its value! Therefore, I give this poem a 4-star rating. Now, before you start bombarding me with “WHAT?!” and “WHY?!” for giving you the rating while praising it so, I should really explain that I rarelygive a 5-star. In fact, I think I’ve only given 1 author a 5-star rating for the past 3 years I’m in Wrting.com! n_n; Consequently, a 4,5-star rating is currently my highest rating… And to achieve this level, a story/poem must have no grammatical errors and really moving me… :P So I hope you understand… -_-; Sorry if I misjudged the poem (I’m an amateur poetry reviewer. :P), and keep writing! n_~*

~Cat-Claws.
53
53
Review of HER  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star* Hi, Diana! *Star*
Here’s my review on your story:



*Snow1* A. TECHNICAL TYPOS AND ILLOGICAL SENTENCES *Snow1*

         There are some typos in this story, but I'll only mention the major mistakes:

*Idea* The story should be written in past tenses (unless it's entirely a dream... or is it? n_n;)

*Idea* You should use other punctuations other than comas and not being too wordy. For example:

Paragraph 1

Line 1-4 = "Looking through my pictures, acting like I don't know what I am looking for (though I do), pondering on each one, hoping the next one is not you, yet hoping that it is, I come to the one of me and her holding each other, laughing."

*Star* I think it would seem better if you change it like this:

"Looking through my pictures, I acted like I don't know what I am looking for (though I do). Pondering on each one, hoping the next one is not you (yet hoping that it is), I come to the one of me and her holding each other, laughing."

*Idea* You might want to italicize the thought of the narrator (and there are corrections to... um... other things! n_n;). For example:

Paragraph 3

Line 13-15 = "Call 911 I hear someone yell, Feeling hands all over me carrying me to where I don't know."

*Star*Should be changed into:

"Call 911! I hear someone yell, feeling hands all over me, carrying me to where I don't know where."


*Exclaim* B. CHARACTERS *Exclaim*

         Great! It's a nice psychological story with a great character! ^0^ I always like reading psychological story with unique character who finds out that what she/he believes all this time is only mere memories or imagination, and you picture it well in this story! Good job! n_~*


*Note1* C. PLOT *Note1*

         The plot is superb! I particularly like the ending twist that's very unexpected! The way you weaved the story in a very unique and abstract way is also a plus! Well done! ^0^


*Heart* D. SCENE *Heart*

         Unfortunately, the scenes are not so descriptive; I couldn't really imagine the scenes the narrator was in. I think adding some descriptions to the story won't hurt, so you might want to try it! n_~*


*Right* E. LOGIC IN STORY *Left*

         The story might not seem very logical to most people, since this story is quite abstract. But I think it suits the story since it's better this way. This way, you made a... 'different' story! I like it!


*Blush* E. WRITING STYLE *Blush*

         Your writing style is good! Very artistic! n_n I like your writing style in the early paragraphs; you certainly have a unique writing style that can stand out among other writers! ^0^


*Sick* F. FORMAT/APPEARANCE *Sick*

         The format/layout of your story is quite good, you have separated the story into paragraphs, and it's already 1 point for you! n_~* On the other hand, you might want to use indents and also break the present paragraphs into paragraphs with fewer lines since I think the paragraphs now are too bulky! n_n;


*Bigsmile* G. OVERALL *Bigsmile*

         Overall, this is a great story! Unfortunately, the typos are quite disturbing (especially the punctuation errors... -_-;). By revising this story, I'm sure this story could be rated higher! Don't give up and keep writing! n_~*


~Cat-Claws.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
54
54
Review of Second Chance  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Star* Hi, Amelia! *Star*
Here’s my review on your story:



*Snow1* A. TECHNICAL TYPOS AND ILLOGICAL SENTENCES *Snow1*

         There are some errors, but I'll only mention the first 3 I found. Here they are:

Paragraph 1

Line 1 = "The first time I net Chaz I was recently divorced with three children."

*Idea* Should be changed into:

"The first time I met Chaz, I was recently divorced with three children."

Line 3-5 = "Chaz was managing a band that played at "The Rooster" a club I occasionally stopped in."

*Idea* Should be changed into:

"Chaz was managing a band that played at "The Rooster", a club I occasionally stopped in."

Line 5-7 = "It seemed every time I walked in they played "Joy to the World", the Three Dog Night version not the Christmas song. We dated a few times, then went our separate ways."

*Idea* Should be changed into:

"It seemed (that) every time I walked in, they played "Joy to the World", the Three Dog Night version not the Christmas song. We dated a few times, then went our separated ways."

*Idea* The underlined sentence would seem better if you use dashes or parenthesses instead of comas (e.g.
"... "Joy to the World" (the Three Dog Night version, not the Christmas song.))


*Exclaim* B. CHARACTERS *Exclaim*

         The character of the story is a very tough woman. The pain she felt is almost unbearable. Thanks to a certain Chaz, she could finally see the joy of living once again. I also have a friend (he's not my boyfriend or husband, but someone I love) who always make my day. Whenever I felt lonely or sad, his face and smile always wipe my sadness. Though I don't think I'll meet him anymore, I'll still remember him... Thanks for sharing the story...


*Note1* C. PLOT *Note1*

         The plot is quite underdeveloped. You could always tell how Chaz and the narator lived together when they still hadn't separated. Other than that, I think the story is good as it is.


*Heart* D. SCENE *Heart*

         The scenes aren't described too clearly, as this story sounds more like a monologue. But there are some parts that could be described. Like in paragraph 4-6. You could describe the narator's feelings when the she called Chaz (surely she's anxious or nervous, calling someone she loved for 25 years). You could also described how happy she was when they finally communicate again. Describe her happy weeks with Chaz.


*Right* E. LOGIC IN STORY *Left*

         The story is logical, if not very logical. The way you made a not-so-happy ending was what made it really... real? n_n; It's true that reality is painful, but who knows, sometimes fact *IS* weirder than fiction! n_~*


*Blush* E. WRITING STYLE *Blush*

         Your writing style is good. Not too distinguishable, but good and readable enough. If you want to develop your own writing style, you could read lots and lots of books from different authors! That way, sooner or later, you could develop your own! Good luck! n_n


*Sick* F. FORMAT/APPEARANCE *Sick*

         The story's format/layout is good. You have divided the story into paragraphs. But it would be even better if you use indents (don't worry, I babbled about this particular one to most authors I reviewed. :P). Oh, and you might want to italicized or bold the "Fast forward twenty-five years." part since it doesn't seem to be the part of the monologue! n_n


*Bigsmile* G. OVERALL *Bigsmile*

         Overall, this is a nice, touching story. There are some errors, but are repairable. If you couldn't repair the story yourself, ask someone to beta-read and edit it for you! n_n Good luck and keep writing! n_~*


~Cat-Claws.


*Star* This Is An Endureview! *Star*


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
55
55
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Star* Hi, Fry! *Star*
Here’s my review on your story:



*Snow1* A. TECHNICAL TYPOS AND ILLOGICAL SENTENCES *Snow1*

         There's no mistakes! Well done! n_n But, for only a suggestion, maybe you could italicized the thoughts of the poet...


*Exclaim* B. CHARACTERS *Exclaim*

         The character is a... psycho? Or a very artistic murderer? n_n; Either way, it first makes it sound like a regular story where there's an poet trying to complete the poem he/she made... What a surprise I received at the end of the story!


*Note1* C. PLOT *Note1*

         The twisted plot is marvellous! Very unexpected indeed! Honestly, I don't see that coming! What a morbid twist! Keep up the good work! n_~*


*Heart* D. SCENE *Heart*

         The scene is under-developed, but that's because this is a 100-word story, so just ignore this comment... -_-;


*Right* E. LOGIC IN STORY *Left*

         The story is logical (there *are* psychos and artistic murderers out there, right? n_n;). Yep, nothing's wrong with it!


*Blush* E. WRITING STYLE *Blush*

         The writing style is good, I can see some vocabularies I seldom found in other authors' writings... Good job!


*Sick* F. FORMAT/APPEARANCE *Sick*

         The layout of this story is good enough. The paragraphs are there. I don't eventhink indents are necessary in this piece! Just a question: Is the 'Helen Loved Poetry' the title or the story (as in the part of the story)? If it's the real title, you might want to bold or italicize it! ;P


*Bigsmile* G. OVERALL *Bigsmile*

         Overall, this is good story! The word choices and twist are what I thought the greatest asset of this story! Keep up the good work and keep writing! n_~*


~Cat-Claws.


*Star* This Is An Endureview! *Star*
56
56
Review of The Stalker  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* Hi, Flip! *Star*
Here’s my review on your story:



*Snow1* A. TECHNICAL TYPOS AND ILLOGICAL SENTENCES *Snow1*

         There are actually 2 things I want to comment, but since this is a 55-word story for the 55 contest, I think the 'mistakes' are intentional to make the story has the correct lenght. So just... forget it? n_n; But for a suggestion, you use the word 'behind me' twice, and it's better if you change it into something else (e.g. 'catching up'? n_n;).


*Exclaim* B. CHARACTERS *Exclaim*

         The narator really made me think that he/she was chased by some kind of monster or something! n_n; It really a surprise when it's actually the brother...


*Note1* C. PLOT *Note1*

         The plot is good, the twist at te endof the story is even better! n_~* You should make more stories like this! I *love* twists!


*Heart* D. SCENE *Heart*

         The scene's lack of descriptions, but that's also because of the requirement of the contest, so I can't say much... It's good for a 55-word story! n_~*


*Right* E. LOGIC IN STORY *Left*

         The story is logical enough for me, despite the shortness of it. So, good job! n_n


*Blush* E. WRITING STYLE *Blush*

         The story is definitely too short forme to judge your writing style. But I think you have a nice one in this story! n_n; Keep up the good work!


*Sick* F. FORMAT/APPEARANCE *Sick*

         Nice, you made paragraphs. But it would be even better if you use indents too! I've seen some stories that actually look good with indents!


*Bigsmile* G. OVERALL *Bigsmile*

         Overall, this is a nice 55-word story! n_n Keep up the good work and keep writing! n_~*


~Cat-Claws.


*Star* This Is An Endureview! *Star*
57
57
Review of My Soul Weeps  
Rated: E | (4.0)
center}*Star* Hi, Ross! *Star*
Here’s my review on your story:{/center}


*Snow1* A. TECHNICAL TYPOS AND ILLOGICAL SENTENCES *Snow1*

         There are slight mistakes that I found, but I'll only mentioned the first three I found:

*Idea* There is a double-space between the second and third paragraph...

Paragraph 3

"I could over analyse every thought that goes through my head, but then, life is not that long."

*Idea* Should be changed into:

"I could over-analyse every thought that goes through my head. But then, life is not that long.

Paragraph 7

Line 2-4 = "It is not proof read, it is not laid out in the best grammatical sense but it is written straight from my heart and soul flowing to my finger tips."

Should be changed into:

"It is not proof-read; it is not laid out in the best grammatical sense, but it is written straight from my heart and soul flowing to my finger tips."


*Exclaim* B. CHARACTERS *Exclaim*

         Wow. The narator is quite a depressed person. If this person is you, I suggest you think in a more optimistic way. I can't say that I have many friends in my life (but I do have great and loyal ones, though), and when I feel that nobody likes me, I ever thought in the same way. But then again, I won't just let those thought haunt me forever. Always like yourself and be optimistic. That's how you take care of the problems! n_~*


*Note1* C. PLOT *Note1*

         The plot... well, it's more like a monologue, so I won't count the plot too much here... But it is a nice philosophical read, and the in-depth (though dark) content is also a plus.


*Heart* D. SCENE *Heart*

         Well, like I said, since this is a monologue, the scenes are somewhat neglected too. But the content is good, so... n_n;


*Right* E. LOGIC IN STORY *Left*

         I feel that this is a logical story (since I experience it before too). Thanks for sharing your experience (writing always make everything better, right? )n_n


*Blush* E. WRITING STYLE *Blush*

         You have qute a dark writing style... Quite philosophical too... I like philosophical reading, though, but maybe you could revise the (slight) errors to make it sounds better.


*Sick* F. FORMAT/APPEARANCE *Sick*

         You have made your story into paragraphs, I can see. Maybe you could use indents? I find it easier to read paragraphs with indents! :P And btw, maybe you could bold your title to make it stand out! n_~*


*Bigsmile* G. OVERALL *Bigsmile*

         Overall, this is quite a philosophical read. I hope (if the narator is you) you can find your true friends and not see yourself as a worthless being unworthy of being cared of or loved. And... don't give up! Revise your story and keep writing! n_~*


~Cat-Claws.


*Star* This Is An Endureview! *Star*
58
58
Review of Eyes of the Cat  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star* Hi, Jess! *Star*
Here’s my review on your story:



*Snow1* A. TECHNICAL TYPOS AND ILLOGICAL SENTENCES *Snow1*

         Great job! This is the first time I review someone (who writes this long) that actually has NO mistakes! Why, you ought to have an Attention To Details Merit Badge! n_~* (If I have lots of GPs, I'll surely buy you one, but I'm saving for an upgrade, so... -_-;)

*Exclaim* B. CHARACTERS *Exclaim*

         Jody is stressed, I can see that. This is a nice psychology story, I like it quite a lot! n_~* There are mnay abuse cases all over the world, and sometimes, if not always, an abused victim finds an outlet of his/her fear and agony in other subjects - let it be humans or animals (or things)... I've read a research before that most abusive people were abused before... Sounds like a saddening chain reaction...


*Note1* C. PLOT *Note1*

         You wove a nice plot for this story! The first part sounded like a girl hunting down vampires or something (but then again remembered that this is a psychology story, so... n_n;)! But it turned out to be cats... n_n; Nice surprise! n_~*


*Heart* D. SCENE *Heart*

         The spooky and descriptive scene of the first part is superb! The lack of grammatical errors is also a plus! You have both a good imagination and a great description-writing ability! Great job!


*Right* E. LOGIC IN STORY *Left*

         It's logical, according to mayself. Like I said, abused people tend to abuse others as an outlet of their fear and agony... Though I pity the cats... *sniff* (you should have known by looking at my name that I'm somewhat a cat lover! n_n)!


*Blush* E. WRITING STYLE *Blush*

         You have a very imaginative and descriptve writing style! By writing more, I'm sure you can soon be an accomplished writer! Keep the good work! n_~*


*Sick* F. FORMAT/APPEARANCE*Sick*

         The format of your story is good enough, but you might want to consider using indents! Just thogh that you want to know, you forgot to give a space between the first divider (***) and after the second divider (***)! -_-;


*Bigsmile* G. OVERALL *Bigsmile*

         Overall, this is a GREAT story! I can't believe people only rate this story 3,5 stars! ,>_<, It's actually the greatest story I've ever reviewed in Writing.com! Keep up the good work, revise the layout, and get ready to have tons of publisher waiting at your door to publish your stories! #^0^# Be creative always and keep writing! n_~*

P.S. Sorry, you might be wondering why I don't give you a 5-star. It's that I rarely give a 5-star (I've only give a 5-star rating to 1 author, if I'm not wrong, for the past 3 years... n_n;)... So, yeah. :P


~Cat-Claws.


*Star* This Is An Endureview! *Star*
59
59
Review of Reflector.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star* Hi, Princess! *Star*
Here’s my review on your story:



*Snow1* A. TECHNICAL TYPOS AND ILLOGICAL SENTENCES *Snow1*

         There are some mistakes I found, but I'll just mentioned the first three... So here goes:

Paragraph 2

Line 1 = "I have very few needs they are; food, clothes and job."

Maybe you mean:

"I have very few needs, they are: food, clothes and job."

Paragraph 4

Line 1 = "I can go on with my life, with no difficulty."

Paragraph 6

Line 5-8 = "I wake up with sweat tingling down my spine. My pillow and mattresses are totally drenched by my sweat. My heartbeat is racing. My hands shake as I stretch to pick up the glass of water on the side table."

*Idea*It's better if you change the tenses into past tenses since the actions are done already.


*Exclaim* B. CHARACTERS *Exclaim*

         Weird character... Well, I guess the narator has a phobia or something (don't know what the name is) that caused in his being afraid of mirrors... A bit of an anti-social too, eh? n_n; Anyway, nice work on making the unusual character!


*Note1* C. PLOT *Note1*

         The plot is cool, really. But it seems that I got lost after the first divider (maybe it's just me)... Anyway, I pondered and read it once again to finally understood what happened... n_n;


*Heart* D. SCENE *Heart*

         The scenes are pictured nicely, I could easily picture the Spartan room (what is a Spartan room? :P) where the poor man got... um... slight catatonic? n_n; Anyway, nice work!


*Right* E. LOGIC IN STORY *Left*

         Logical story, I say. Kinda' surreal if you ask me (then again, maybe it's REALLY just me...).


*Blush* E. WRITING STYLE *Blush*

         You have a great writing style! The descriptions (which you added with your own opinions) made the story somewhat... unique and gothic! n_n; I guess it's a really good point in your writing!


*Sick* F. FORMAT/APPEARANCE*Sick*

         The format/layout of this story is good enough, I can see that there are paragraphs and all. Maybe you could indents (I've said this to most people I reviewed) to make it even better!


*Bigsmile* G. OVERALL *Bigsmile*

         Overall, this is a good story! There are slight grammatical and punctuation errors, but who hasn't? n_~* The important thing is that you describe the story well and made a great plot! Keep writing!


~Cat-Claws.


*Star* This Is An Endureview! *Star*
60
60
Review of Monster  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Star* Hi, Andrea! *Star*
Here’s my review on your story:



*Snow1* A. TECHNICAL TYPOS AND ILLOGICAL SENTENCES *Snow1*

Paragraph 1

Line 1-2 = "When I was twelve years old a firework exploded into the side of my face at my best friend's birthday party."

You should add a coma:

"When I was twelve years old, a firework exploded into the side of my face at my best friend's birthday party."

Line 3 = "Before there had been..." should be change into "Before, there had been..."

Paragraph 5

Line 2-3 = "People try to be nice to you, but from that day on it was easy to spot the pity and disgust behind the smiles."

*Idea* There's some problems, it should be:

"People try to be nice to you. But from that day on, it is easy to spot the pity and disgust behind the smiles."

Well, there are some of the mistakes I could get! :P


*Exclaim* B. CHARACTERS *Exclaim*

         Your character is verypitiful, but I like the way she got mischievous at last. It's true that people act that way to people with imperfect features, and sometimes we just want to have our revenge to those kind of people (but not to kill him/her, of course).


*Note1* C. PLOT *Note1*

         Your plot is good, it flows nicely and logically. I particularly like the twisted ending! Well done! n_~*


*Heart* D. SCENE *Heart*

         The scenes are logical, so I can't say much. You may want to describe the surroundings more, though.


*Right* E. LOGIC IN STORY *Left*

         There's nothing really illogical in this story. Though the way she (the narrator) kill Richie without getting caught is rather... WOW! n_n; Nah, it doesn't really matter, though...


*Blush* E. WRITING STYLE *Blush*

         Your narrative writing style is good. Not very distinguishable from other authors, but still good. The important thing is that your story's superb! n_n


*Sick* F. FORMAT/APPEARANCE *Sick*

         Your paragraphs are a bit bulky, but it doesn't matter and still well read since you separated them... It's good that you use indents, not many people use it despite how helpful they aer to readers... So well done for your layout! n_~*


*Bigsmile*G. OVERALL *Bigsmile*

         I really, really like your story here, the ending actually made me snicker (is it a good thing?! o_0;) maniacally... Great job with your writing style too! You just have some punctuation problems, and it's not very fatal either! So well done! Care to publish your story? n_~* Keep writing!


~Cat-Claws.

*Star* This Is An Endureview! *Star*


** Image ID #877631 Unavailable **

61
61
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* Hi, Naru! *Star*
Here’s my review on your story:



*Snow1* A. TECHNICAL TYPOS AND ILLOGICAL SENTENCES *Snow1*

CHAPTER 1

Paragraph 2

Line 1-2 = ““Yugi, what do you think you’re doing?! That’s no way to fix a TV.”” should be changed into ““Yugi, what do you think you’re doing?! That’s not the way to fix a TV.” OR “Yugi, what do you think you’re doing?! There’s no way you could fix the TV that way.”

Line 3 = “walked in” should be changed into “walked into”.

Paragraph 4

Line 2 = “Yami sat translucently” here is odd, try “Yami —in his translucent form—sat”.

Paragraph 16

Line 1 = “Uh. Excuse me, could I get by?”

*Idea* You might want to change the period into ellipsis (so “Uh.” Will become “Uh…”) to make it sounds better.

Line 3 = “an” should be changed into “a”.

Paragraph 3, 5, 16, 18, 20, 24, 36, 45, 47, 49,

There are some gaps between each sentence in above-mentioned paragraphs. Consider revising.

(Well! There’re some of the mistakes I found! n_n)


*Exclaim* B. CHARACTERS *Exclaim*

         Your characters are greatly written! Yuugi, Ryou, and the others are not OOC, and your OC, Sirri, is an interesting character! I like the way you made Ryou show more about him since the original mangaka (Takahashi-san) only gave him a minor role in the story… -_-; Shiruva, your OC’s spirit sounds like another Yami Bakura! n_n; I’d like to see whether she’s related to them in any way! n_~* Btw, are you going to drag Malik and Isis into the story? Hm… maybe you can say Isis has info about Shiruva? :P


*Note1* C. PLOT *Note1*

         Your plot thickens at the last chapter, and it made me want to read more! When I came at the end of the chapter, I was practically thinking: Damn! Why stop now?! n_n; I almost desperately want to know what’ll happen next! Great cliffy you got! ;)


*Heart* D. SCENE *Heart*

         The scene opens normally and naturally, from Kame Game Shop to Domino High… No problem since you seem to be a big YGO fan! n_~*


*Right* E. LOGIC IN STORY *Left*

         Your story is quite logical. So far, I didn’t find any plot holes need mending! :P You might want to be careful for the next chapter, though… Like people say, “The thicker the plot goes, the more the plot holes.” (Okay, so it’s MY saying… Heck. :P).


*Blush* E. WRITING STYLE *Blush*

         You have a nice writing style — clear and not confusing. I like the way you describe the story in a neat way. It’s also very casual and not over-reacting. Well done!


*Sick* F. FORMAT/APPEARANCE*Sick*

         Your story format is superb! The way you bolded the speakers’ names and separated the descriptions from speech by italicising and putting them in the brackets is also nicely done! Moreover, you gave spaces between each paragraph of your story so your readers won’t be baffled by the bulk size of each paragraph… Great! ;)


*Bigsmile*G. OVERALL *Bigsmile*

         Overally, this fan fiction of yours is great! Honestly, it’s the first story I’ve been itching to review! I really, really like it! Though maybe the story itself doesn’t really move me whatsoever (I don’t really like OCs… sorry… -_-;), I must say that this story is nice! n_~* It’s such a pity not many people review this, maybe because anime fan fiction isn’t so popular among Writing.com members… Oh, yeah, reminding me to ask you whether you post this fic in other sites… Maybe people will review more in sites that host fan fictions (you know what I mean, right? ;P). Well, then, continue updating soon! I’ll gladly read and review it again next time! Till then and keep writing! #^0^#

~Cat-Claws.
62
62
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Star* Hi, *Star*
Here's my review on your story:


*Snow1* A. TECHNICAL TYPOS AND ILLOGICAL SENTENCES *Snow1*

Paragraph 2

Line 2 = “…You think you know all about ants,” could be changed into “…You think you know all about ants;” to avoid redundancy of coma use.

Paragraph 7

Line 4 = “… they never sleep” should be changed into “… they never slept” to synchronize the verbs in your sentence.

Paragraph 8

Line 3 = “humans food” could as well be changed into “humans’ food”.


*Exclaim* B. CHARACTERS *Exclaim*

         Funny character you have here. He seems like a character I know who tells unusual and pompous stories that are, usually, untrue. It’s cute, though, even though the story is about a demise of an ancient race…


*Note1* C. PLOT *Note1*

         You crafted your story in a short, monologue type of story, and so the plot is rather limited (though it seems like a parody of the film “I, Robot”). Why don’t you expand the plot and tell it from a different POV?


*Heart* D. SCENE *Heart*

         The scene opens with an introduction made by the narrator (can’t remember the name! x_x)… Hm… doesn’t see anything wrong with that! n_~*


*Right* E. LOGIC IN STORY *Left*

         It’s quite logical, though the way you tell your readers of how ants destroy and defeat even humans seem rather bombastic… :P Well, it will work well in science-fiction, though: “Attack of The Mutant Ants!” (kidding, kidding… n_~*)


*Blush* E. WRITING STYLE *Blush*

         Your writing style reminds me of Anne Rice’s “Interview of The Vampire” with all its 2nd POV and revenge of creations to creator :P)… You don’t have the Gothic, depressing style, though… And… I don’t know, your writing style seems too… mature for children, you might want to use sound effects if you read this story to children… ;)


*Bigsmile* F. OVERALL *Bigsmile*

         Well, overally, this story is quite… funny? I like the character, though. But it seems that I can’t really determined whether it’s supposed to be a funny or scary story (but it’s in the children’s genre, right? So…). Moreover, since it’s a children’s story, you might want to tell the moral of the story (I’m sure you have, but it seems vague to me)! Anyway, good story! Keep writing!

~Cat-Claws.


** Image ID #875814 Unavailable **

63
63
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, Julian! A very interesting poem! n_n I like the ending, it's quite... different... n_n; Anyway, your third lines in your every stanza are better be shortened or made into 2 lines to be balance... -_-; I'm quite surprised to see that your poem writing style is quite similar to mine (I'm not a good poet, though... n_n;)! Anyway, if you want to obtain more GPs, you could do so by reviewing an in-depth review and post it on the reviewing page (like what I did n_n;). It can be beneficial to both sides too! ^0^ Anyway, nice work! Keep writing! n_~*
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