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26
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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi MelvinMhk !

Here is a review for your story "Burst of Imagination Contest Entry" , which won 1st place in "Invalid Item" . Congrats and thanks for entering!

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title:While this title is okay, it isn't very eye-catching unless someone is looking for Burst of Imagination entries. But if you want to get more readers, I'd suggest changing it to something more relevant to the story that will catch people's attention.

Plot:I really like the way you interpreted this round's prompt. Both hilarious and creative, I really enjoyed it, and I totally wasn't expecting that ending. I like how you start out the story right away with something that keeps people reading.

Characters:Randolph seems to be the only person with common sense in this story, yet they call him selfish for it. That sounds like some ignorant people in real life, who jump to conclusions without really knowing the truth. So even in a very short story like that, your character teaches us a valuable lesson.

PunctuationNo problems that I could see

Suggestions:The only thing I would suggest is you could expand this story, with more details, but it's not really a big problem that it's so short.

Things I Liked:You probably can guess what my favorite part was - the ending! “I told them girl,” Randolph snickered at the collie. “I told them all giving King Kong an enema was a foolish idea." Totally not what I was expecting, and funny too!
I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this story, and I hope you'll enter again! Since you won first place, you have the choice of a merit badge, awardicon, or 10K in gift points. Let me know which you would prefer!
Write on!

~Jali

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Review of The Paper  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Liam !

Here is the last review from your package in the Paper Doll Gang's Newbie Auction, for your story "The Paper" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title:I saw no problem with your title, actually I thought it was a good one. The whole story is about the paper, so it makes sense to have that for the title. The summary is okay, however you could spice it up a little to draw your reader in.

Plot:I like your interesting plot of a paper giving what you need. After I read the story, I was starting to wish someone would give me a paper like that! One suggestion for the beginning of the story, is to use action to hook your readers. You could have Charlie slam the table with his fist, disgusted that he can't find a job, or you could have him muttering about how he needs to find a job, or whatever you come up with. That way your readers will be drawn in by that first little excitement, and keep reading to find out what happens.

Characters:Charlie is someone who most people would be able to identify with, since many people have lost their jobs. When he was trying to get rid of the salesman, I felt sorry for him, since I know what salesmen can be like. Yet the problem with Charlie is I couldn't really describe him if someone asked what he was like. Especially at the beginning of the story, it was hard to understand who Charlie really was. Obviously he is old enough to live on his own, and he is an experienced carpenter. But I have no idea if he is thirty-five or fifty-five. He seems to be living alone, but the reader can't really be sure until the part where he meets Laura. So my suggestion is if you edit this story, to throw in some bits of description, if he is old maybe have him think about just retiring when he's looking for a job. Or if he is younger, have him be thinking about how if he's going to get married, he should find another job to help support his family. In this way you can show his age, describe his looks, and let the reader learn more about him without actually telling them. I'm sure you're familiar with showing and not telling.

Punctuation: “So, what do you have to lose,” should be a question mark after "lose".

Things I Liked:“That’s what you guys always say. Have a good day.” I like his effective way of dismissing a salesman!*Smile* I also enjoyed your brief ending. I would rather read an ending like that then a long-winded ending telling things that aren't even necessary to the story.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed these three reviews, I enjoyed doing them! Sorry this one wasn't poetry, I was just in a short story mood today, so I hope you won't mind. Have a great day!
Write on!

~Jali

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Review of Footprints  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Liam !

I am reviewing your poem "Footprints"  for the second review in your package from the Paper Doll Gang's Newbie Auction.
The purpose of this review is to help you write even better and not to discourage in any way. These comments and suggestions are just my opinion; if you disagree feel free to ignore them.

Title:I like your choice of a concise title that goes right with the poem. Your summary is a good bait to draw readers into your poem. When I read it I thought the poem might be something dark/horror related, since the summary sort of had an eerie feel. Of course then when I read it I was in for a surprise, since it really has a light and slightly humorous feel.

Structure:I can't praise you enough for the awesome flow throughout this poem. Poems like that are ones I enjoy, where I can read right through without stumbling over awkward spots, or places where the rhythm is off. Reading through it, I believe you used perfect anapestic meter, unless I missed something. I also enjoyed the rhyme structure of this poem. It sounds really cool the way you have two rhyming words in the first line of each stanza. I think that's probably part of the reason it flows so easily.

Content:The poem contains a good lesson not to follow in the footsteps of other people's failures. That is a good lesson for anyone, a good reminder that you can learn from others' mistakes. Your ending is one that I was totally not expecting. The poem, while reading like a lighthearted rhyme, was more serious up to there, but the ending brought a smile to my face. One thing I have to say, though, is your life is definitely not all failures, if you can write a poem like this one.

Suggestions:I really don't have any suggestions on improving this piece. All I can say is write more like it!

Things I Liked:The very first line: I walk in the wake of the choices I make. I loved the alliteration of "walk" and "wake", helping the line to flow very smoothly. I also liked this good description from turbulent winds that cause waters to crest. I could see that one in my head.
I really enjoyed this poem. I think you did a great job!
Write on!
Jali

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Review of Dreams  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Liam !

I am reviewing your poem "Dreams" , for the first review in your package from the Paper Doll Gang's Newbie Auction.
My goal with this review is to help you grow as a writer, and not to discourage in any way. These comments are just my opinions, so of course you can ignore them if you want.

Title:Your title is very fitting for this poem. I like how throughout the poem the idea of dreams is woven among the tale of a normal life.

Structure:Wow! I don't know how you come up with such perfect rhyming throughout the poem, and not just cliched rhymes either. There was one rhyme though that to me did seem a little forced. The second stanza, second line: To have a meal or take a poop - the race. I hope I'm right on this, but I think you meant that to mean the human race. If this isn't right, you can ignore my ignorance. But if you ask me it just doesn't make much sense to have that there. It doesn't really have anything to do with a person's early years. Again, I'm sorry if I'm missing something - you seem like such an accomplished poet that it feels like it's just my ignorance.
You used perfect iambic meter as far as I could tell. Just two spots where you might want to add an apostrophe for clarification: the word memories in the very first line, and the word "deafening" in the third line of the seventh stanza.

Content:The way this poem reads is hard for me to describe, in a good way. You use such good word choice and alliteration, it just enhances the flow and makes the poem seem so "rich" (for lack of a better word). I like how you go through the stages of childhood, until finally the end when a person dies and goes to heaven.
At first I thought the word "familial" in the last line was a typo, but then I googled it and realized it wasn't. So thanks for teaching me a new word.*Smile*


Suggestions: No suggestions that I haven't mentioned

Things I Liked: I liked how you sprinkled the poem with lots of alliteration. Some of my favorites include: Into this turf of training, clad in catastrophe, and mingling memories. In all three of these, the words used make perfect sense where they are used, and they're also very descriptive. I really enjoyed your depiction of a person's life throughout the whole poem. It was really neat to read through, and I enjoyed it very much.
Have a great day,
and write on!
Jali

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Review of Butch  
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi silverfeathers !

Here is a Rising Stars member to member review for your story "Butch" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title:Nice title, and even better summary. It drew me into the story and from there on I was hooked.

Plot:This was a hilarious story from the point of view of a little boy who finds it hard to accept his mom's boyfriend. The pranks he played on Butch were so funny you had me laughing in spots, especially when he hits him with the ball. But I really liked how all through the story you can see that he is slowly being won over by Butch, and by the end he is finally accepting him. If he was much older, it wouldn't seem believable for him to change his mind so fast. But from his actions he seems young enough for that to make sense.

Characters:Joey was such a mischievous little boy, he reminded me in some ways of my younger brothers. You didn't really describe his appearance, but I pictured him as having red hair and freckles, somehow. Butch is someone to be admired, how he kept being nice to Joey. If I had been him, I think I would have given up long ago. But he just kept right on being nice, and that shows that kindness pays off in the end, a good lesson for your readers.

PunctuationNo problems as far as I could tell

Suggestions:None

Things I Liked:Your ending, from here on: Later, loading the car, I sidled up next to him.

"Don't go too fast," I grumbled. "Mom's a lady, y'know." So cute and typical little boy. I love how he cares about his mom so much.
I really enjoyed reading and reviewing your story. Have a great day!
Write on!
~Jali

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31
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi BScholl !

Here is a Rising Stars Member to Member review for your story "A Special Gift (3rd Place)" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title: When I saw this story in your port, I read it because of the summary. There's nothing wrong with the title, just that it's more generic. The summary was great, since it gives you a tiny idea of what's going to happen, enough to make you want to find out more, but not too much that you already know what happens.

Plot:Besides the summary, the other reason I read this story is because you said it won 3rd place in the Twisted Tales contest. I love reading stories like that with a twist.
I liked how you started out at the beginning with Ruth talking to Hank, giving a little hint that something strange is going on. The only suggestion I have for the beginning, is to start it with something a little more exciting, like action, or even just some dialogue such as Ruth saying hi to Hank would spice up the first paragraph.
When Hank was alone on a snowy Saturday evening in the old deli, it set a spooky mood for the story, at least for me. That helped to build up the suspense when he hears the knock on the door. I was half-expecting it to be Ruth, but then it wasn't, and then later I found out that it actually was.*Smile* So I can see why you won 3rd place in the Twisted Tales contest.

Characters:I like how you made Hank a nice guy, willing to help out behind the scenes and not wanting special attention for it. That made him seem the perfect person to help out Maggie, and it made sense to me that he would help her. This sentence I especially liked since it set it up for him to be the right person to help Maggie. While he enjoyed doing God’s work, he also preferred to be behind the scenes and in complete anonymity. One thing about him is that it seems he is nearly perfect. Maybe some people are perfect, but I know that I'm far from it, which made it just a bit hard to connect with Hank.

Punctuation: Perfect as far as I could tell

Things I Liked:The paragraph describing the store, starting with this sentence: The store room was dimly lit by two pull chain lights. So well-described, I could see it in my mind. I also enjoyed this sentence about the noises he heard, Old buildings often had quirky sounds -- creaks and groans., and the others when he was trying to decide if it was a person or just the building creaking. Something about the way they were written, maybe because they were somewhat shorter, helped to build up the suspense.
I enjoyed reading and reviewing this story. Hope you have a great day!
Write on!
~Jali

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32
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Happy May 2024! !

Here is a Rising Star Member to Member review for your story "Shane and The Bullies" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title:I didn't see any problems with your title. It was straightforward, and gave me a small picture of what was coming in the story. What made me read the story, however, was not the title but the summary. By telling just enough about the story, you made me curious for more.

Plot:You start out the story with action - the bullies calling Shane names. So I kept reading, to see how this would end. The conflict between Shane, Joey, and the bullies doesn't really end until the end of the story, so you had me hooked through the whole story, right down to where Mr.Hays gives them a thumbs-up. You did well at keeping the story flowing, for the most part. There is action the whole way through, something I like in a story. There are so many stories around about bullies, and the trick of stealing someone's clothing while they're swimming has been played many times, so in some ways this story does seem a little cliche to me. Still, you told it well, and bullying is a real problem, there needs to be stories about it.

Characters:To me, it seemed like you portrayed Shane as a nice guy, who being bullied just because he was small and wore glasses. Of course people have been made fun of for much smaller things, so that makes perfect sense. I thought you showed the personality of a typical young boy in Shane (and Joey) very well, especially with this sentence: The boys looked at each other and big smiles spread across their wide-eyed faces.

PunctuationClose to the end is a paragraph that starts like this: It was getting late so both boys parted and went to their homes not mentioning There should be a comma after "mentioning". Also in the next paragraph Rocky and his thugs but by lunchtime,, should be a comma after "but". There were several other places with commas missing that hindered the flow, that I would fix up.

Things I Liked:I loved this description of Sid: Sid was one of those hobo clowns who always look like they need a shave, never know how to match their patched pants to their shirt or socks, and usually have a shoe with the sole flapping. Sounds so much like a typical clown! I also liked this sentence: Shane could almost see the light bulb go on over Joey’s head. I liked how they could tell what each other was thinking, without talking, and I also like how this gives the reader a little bit of time to guess what they think the boys might be planning.
I enjoyed reading this story! I hope you have a good day.*Smile*
Write on!
~Jali

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Review of Fighting Myself  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi LG back to the writing board !

Here is a review for your story "Fighting Myself" , which won 3rd place in the Burst of Imagination. Congrats and thank you for entering!

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title:The title definitely caught my attention, and made me want to read the story. It made me think "How could you be fighting yourself?"
But after I read the story and came back to comment on the title, it didn't make sense to me. I didn't know what it had to do with the story. Maybe it does, and I'm too dumb to figure it out. Sorry if that's the case. But to me it just doesn't go with the story.

Plot: I liked the creative, somewhat funny plot of your story.*Smile* The first paragraph starts out the story with action, which I like, since it keeps you reading. I could also easily see the prompt in there, of course, since it's two boys fighting exactly like the picture, even with someone watching.

Characters:I can totally identify with Sarah, she reminds me in a way of me, and Billy and Steve remind me of my little brothers when we were younger. Like Sarah, I would act like I was big stuff since I was older, and they would get tired of me being bossy. So Sarah is definitely a true to life character, and easy to identify with for me.

Punctuation“Sarah when did you get here?” This should have a comma after Sarah. Also a couple sentences down: “Oh it ain’t nothing Should be a comma after "Oh". There were a few more of these scattered through the story where you forgot a comma after an interjection or a person's name. You might want to scan through it and fix those up.

Suggestions:It seemed just a bit stretched to me that a girl as smart as Sarah would really believe she could have an operation like that, although if she's young enough it does make sense. Still, her actions and speech don't quite match up with that. If you ever really want to edit this story, I'd suggest making her dialogue a little more childish.

Things I Liked:“Why are you two acting like cavemen anyways?” This sentence just sounded exactly like a little girl describing boys. “What? Why? Sarah what is going on?” Billy almost shouted. A stunned Steve just sat looking at her. In this sentence, I love how you show the way they totally forgot about fighting and turned their whole attention to Sarah.
I hope you enjoyed entering the contest. I enjoyed reading your story!
Have a great day, and write on!
~Jali

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Dejarik !

Here is a review for your story "The Bitter Cost of War" , which won 1st place in the Burst of Imagination. Congratulations, and thanks for entering!

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title:Your title is so true, the cost of war is terribly bitter and sad. When someone sees your title and summary, they can probably put two and two together and realize that the story is about a boy who loses his father in a war. But yet it is not too much, that the reader can tell the outcome of the story before they even read it.

Plot:I like how you start out right away with action and dialogue, then flash back and let the reader know how this came to be. The transition between the fight and how they got the news flows easily right through there, and then with him telling the story up to the fight, it just flows really well through there, without rough or awkward spots. I also like how at the end of the story, although the problem isn't totally resolved, you can feel that there is a sense of peace, and of knowing what to do in the main character, instead of before when he was angry and fighting. That helped to bring the story to a close, and left me feeling satisfied when I was finished reading.

Characters:The main character is obviously grieving for his dad. You can see that by how he is beating up on his best friend. But somehow it seemed like I knew Sam better than the main character, maybe because of the long stretch of dialogue when he is talking to the narrator. So I would suggest that you could add maybe some thoughts of the narrator's, especially since it's written in first person. I realize that you do have his thoughts in there already, with things like this He may be like family, but none tells me my dad is a yellow coward! I'm just suggesting that you could add even more.

PunctuationPerfect from what I could tell.

Suggestions:Nothing I didn't say before.

Things I Liked:He reels, head bouncing from the ground, That line just made me go "Ouch!", because I know that feeling of your head bouncing off of something, and you put it into words. Also this sentence: By the time we stand, his head is bleeding from above his ear, his mouth is pouring blood, and his blonde hair is brown with dirt. So descriptive and easy to see! And it shows the kindness of Sam, that he would take a beating so his friend would feel better.

I hope you enjoyed the contest as much as I enjoyed your story! Please let me know if you would like the merit badge, awardicon, or GPs for your prize.
Write on!
~Jali

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Review of Click  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Robert Clippings !

Here's a review for your story "Click" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title:Great title, I love short titles like that that give you just a tiny hint of what the story's about, and make you want to read more. I just have one suggestion for the summary (what goes under the title). You might get more readers if you put a little hint there of what the story is about. Although actually for me the reason I read it was because it said you wrote it in 8th grade, and I'm in 8th grade.

Plot:This story is not a very happy one, of course since the main character commits suicide. I like how the first paragraph starts out with a scary feeling, and then it transitions to him sitting in math class like normal. When I read the same paragraph again at the end, it connected the story for me somehow. So I like how you did that.
The plot flows along easily, with no major rough spots. My only suggestion is that it seems like quite awhile from the time he is called to the principal's office, until she finally tells him what's wrong. You might want to cut some of that dialogue in there out, although if you want to build up more suspense to the climax, you should probably leave it in. Either way is okay, it's just that for me it seemed a little dragged out there.

Characters: In a way, it almost seemed like your main character was talking to me, and telling me the story. I felt like he was a new friend that I was getting to know, and so of course I felt sad for him when he heard that his dad died. He even had ambitions for what he wanted to do for a job, and that made it especially sad to see him die and go to hell like that. At the end, I liked the feeling of despair you worked into the story. There's just one thing I noticed. If he is so afraid of a punishment from his dad, and tells his friend "My dad's gonna kill me", it doesn't quite make sense that later he's saying his dad was the only person who ever loved him. Of course, if his dad just died, he would probably be sad about that, almost anyone would. Yet it just doesn't quite go together that he's so scared of his dad, and then he commits suicide because his dad was killed. If you want to, I'd suggest taking out some of those comments he makes of being scared of his dad.

Punctuation/GrammarOne problem I noticed. When you have someone talking, at the end, you put the comma or period first, and then the quotation marks. For example: Close to the end of the second paragraph, you wrote this sentence, “Thomas, it’s for you”. It should be like this: "Thomas, it's for you." There were some more of these I saw scattered through the story, that I'd suggest fixing.

Suggestions:Nothing I didn't already say.

Things I Liked:But, this time I stop to go in the restroom-after I wiped the vomit from my mouth I continued my voyage. Good way of showing that he threw up without actually telling it. I just can’t shake this sense of impending doom, This sentence sent little chills up and down my back. After reading the first paragraph, and then this, it gave me a bad feeling about where this was going to end up. And I also thought you did a fantastic job of showing his grief, I could feel it just reading the story.
If you have any questions about this review, or this site, I'll be glad to help!*Smile*
Welcome to WDC, and write on!
~Jali

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Dr Matticakes Myra !

As a student in the Rockin' Review Academy, I am reviewing your story "Holiday in the Caribbean - The Guy"  for "Gang's Monthly Review Board" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title:Your summary is what made me want to read the story. I wanted to know what embarrassing way she met a star, and how it happened. That's why I clicked on the story and read it. Nice job on a summary that draws in your reader. The title was good, although I have one suggestion. Maybe you could take off "The Guy", since the title is sort of long with that tacked on the end.

Plot:Right at the start of the second paragraph, you use a sentence that tells the reader "Keep reading, something bad's gonna happen, and you want to find out why." It made me wonder what's going to happen now, and so kept me reading. Then after that first sentence the rest of that second paragraph was sorta confusing to me. Like, what was amazing, and why didn't she want to move? The only thing I could come up with is that she really liked being in first class, but from her actions, it seemed like she wasn't liking it.

Characters:Almost anyone can identify with Phoenix. To actually get to meet an actor from your favorite movie and talk to them is something many people would love to do. And then to go and make a clumsy blunder like Phoenix did is horribly embarrassing. (I know from experience*Wink*) So your character's problem is easy to identify with. My only suggestion as far as your characters is to add some of Phoenix's thoughts in there. Then the reader can see exactly how she feels about the situation, instead of everything from the narrator's viewpoint.

Punctuation/GrammarA few errors I picked out in the first paragraph: ex boyfriend I think you need a hyphen in there. a hange should be "a change" tothat should be "to that", and you also missed a space here likean There were more spacing and punctuation errors like this scattered through the story. If I were you, I'd go through the story and fix those up. A few of them is not too bad, but with this story it was enough that it made it hard to read in spots.

Suggestions:Basically just fix up those grammar issues and that confusing spot or two I mentioned.

Things I Liked:she still found hersilf retching in plane toilets. Feeling nautious still but with nothing else to be sick with she stumbled back to her seat. This sentence is very descriptive, it was almost enough to make me feel sick!*Smile* I also liked your happy ending, since it makes you feel better to know that everything is okay with the character you got to know during the story.
I enjoyed this story, which is why I reviewed it. If you ever decide to revise it and would like me to re-rate it, I would be glad to.
Have a great day and write on!

~Jali

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Review of The Woman in Navy  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Quick-Quill !

As a student in the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy, I am reviewing your story "The Woman in Navy" .

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title:Your title goes fine with the story, and makes sense. Good choice of a title.

Plot:Good job at coming up with an interesting plot from the picture. I know how hard that can be sometimes. With the picture of Anne in there, and the title "The Woman in Navy", it ties in with the picture. You must have used your imagination well! I also loved the way you slowly built up the tension until the end of the story, when you finally learn whether she'll be allowed to stay or not.

Characters:I like how you showed Luke's anger by the words he used and by his actions, the way he stood close to her and made her look at him when she talked. Also Samantha's fear and worry could be seen through her heart pounding, and how she suddenly scraped her uneaten food into the pail, and the cold feeling washing through her. That was a great way of showing instead of telling and letting the reader catch some hints of what's going on.

PunctuationJust a few punctuation errors. About the middle of the story, there's a sentence that starts like this: “Luke we didn’t mean..., there should be a comma after Luke since she's talking to him. Also the second to last sentence goes like this: "The preacher has arrived.” he grinned. Either you should put a comma after "arrived", or capitalize "he". In the middle of the paragraph where she's talking about Anne dying, you have an extra apostrophe: I didn't' know.


Suggestions:I liked this sentence for it's humor. “Barracks? You were in the military?” Luke's eyes searched her face for the truth. The thing I didn't like about it was that it broke up the tension. I was going to say that maybe you should change it, but now I'm not sure. It does add some comedy to an other wise dramatic story, so in some ways it is good. It's just that it sort of rubbed me the wrong way when they were arguing, and then all of a sudden she's laughing. Anyway, you're the author, so I guess it's your choice.*Smile*


Things I Liked:I got a good picture in my head of Luke, especially from this phrase:His mahogany colored hair tumbled over his broadcloth collar. I enjoyed your realistic dialogue, especially when Anne says this: “Lie? What lie?” It sounds like she is trying to sound innocent, and not really succeeding. I also enjoyed your ending. It was happy, sweet, and solved the problem that the whole story was about. Plus it was short and to the point, yet without making the reader guess at exactly what happened.
Great job, and good luck on the rest of your classes!
Write on,
~Jali

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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Squeekachu !

Here is a review for your story "Writer's Cramp: Another day..." , which I am reviewing for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  as a student in the Rockin Review Academy.

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title and Beginning:First of all, I really liked the introduction to your story. It paints a picture in the reader's mind, and clearly establishes the setting. The light of the two suns shows that they are not landing on earth, and that it's probably fantasy or something related. And by the last sentence, you can tell that something is wrong. And in the next paragraph, you realize that there are people in the spaceship also. That was a great job at showing and not just telling. The title could have been better, although it's true, it was a Writer's Cramp entry, that can make a boring title that people don't pay much attention to, and then less people will read it.

Plot:I liked this creative plot. As you read down through the story, you can figure out more and more what exactly is going on. While this can be a good thing and keep the reader hooked, it can also be a bad thing and confuse them. But with this story, I think I like it. If you pay close attention, it's easy enough to tell what's happening.

The flow was smooth, I didn't notice any problems there.

But I had one problem. Somehow, I just felt like you were telling the story. I couldn't get involved in it. I'm thinking maybe this problem is more with the characters then the plot, but one thing I noticed is it seemed like more telling then showing.

Characters:This section was a little fuzzy for me. There's around four or five minor characters, without any real protagonist. Since it was a contest entry, maybe it's not your problem. I don't know what the prompt was.

But first I read the dialogue, and I could tell that there were two characters there. Then at the end of the dialogue I wasn't sure what was going on. It talked about the human male and then Akari with the horns, and I thought they were different characters then the ones before. But then I realized they were the same ones who had been talking before. Then the story switches to Drax and Nadia in the engine room and I had to keep track of even more characters. Here is my suggestion if you ever revise this story. I think that somehow you could change a few things so that Akari and Lewis are the ones in the engine room at the end instead Nadia and Drax. That way it would be less characters to keep track of and easier for the reader to follow, since the story is fairly short.

Your characters were interesting, but somehow they seemed sort of distant, like I didn't really know them. What you could do is go back through and add some little details, things like the way they look, and some thoughts of the main character. The dialogue you have in here does help with that, and I think you did well at writing natural dialogue. One thing you could do to make it more understandable is add some words after what they say, here's an example if that was confusing. You wrote 'If those flames touch the reactor, we're completely screwed.' At the end of that, you could write "Lewis warned." Just something that might make it easier to see who's talking.

Punctuation/GrammarYour punctuation was flawless, except for one thing. Whenever you have someone talking, instead of the regular double quotation marks, you used the single ones, which are actually apostrophes. You can still tell that it's a quotation, but I'd suggest changing it to quotation marks instead, since it adds a more professional look.

Suggestions:I saw one typo-Suddenly, the clutter of shoes doesn't make sense. Is it supposed to be "clatter"?

Things I Liked:'She'll throw a hissy fit if we so much as looked at the ship wrong.' That made me laugh! It shows Lewis's sense of humor, and it gives a glimpse of Ella's personality, all in one short sentence. I also liked this descriptive sentence: Flames spewed out, blazing a trail of melting, blackened liquid. I could see that horrific scene in my mind as I read.

I reviewed your story because I enjoyed reading it. If you ever decide to revise it, I'll be glad to change the rating if you'd like.

Have a great day and write on!

~Jali

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Review of Shadow Detective  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi ~WhoMe???~ !

Here is a review for your story "Shadow Detective" , which I am reviewing for the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  as a student in the Rockin' Review Academy.

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title:The title of this story definitely drew me in, and is creative. But after I read the story and looked back at it, I wondered if it really fit. This might not have much to do with it, but she doesn't really try to figure it out until the end. Most of the time she is just really freaked out about this guy in her house and too afraid to go searching for the intruder. The word shadow does go with the story though, and I think that was a good word choice.

Plot:The way you built up the suspense in this story almost drove me crazy, wanting to see how she stopped the intruder. The first ten paragraphs especially created lots of tension. Your mostly short and choppy sentences added to that effect. But the problem with that for me was that for the whole story, everything's building up to this climax, and you're just waiting for a scene where she confronts the intruder or something like that, and then here it's all just a dream. To me, that seemed like a letdown, that I didn't get to read what I was waiting for. I do like surprise endings, but with all that suspense in there, it seemed like there needed to be a bigger climax. So what I'm saying is maybe you could make the suspense a bit less, or make the climax a little more exciting.

Characters:First of all, I noticed that "she" didn't have a name. That could be okay, except that through the story it gets kind of old reading "she" all the time. Just something I noticed.
You showed the effect of the strain on her well, how she jumps at little noises and goes to work without bothering to get ready. But on the third night, when she stays awake all night sitting on the bed and then stays there till noon, I was a little surprised. I think that if I had barely had any sleep for the last two nights, it would be impossible for me to stay awake all night sitting on the bed, and then when morning comes sit there until noon. My back would be aching, and I'd probably eventually drop off to sleep right there. Still, if she's lots different then me, maybe she would be able to do it. But I think you could change that to having her wake up in the middle of the night again or something different if you wanted.


Suggestions:She would get ready at work. She couldn’t stay in the house another minute. It had been a hectic day at work. Right here the story jumps from her deciding to get ready at work to after her day at work is over, and that confused me at first. I couldn't figure out what was happening until I read the next few sentences. You could maybe add in a few transitional words there to help the reader understand what is happening.
She began walking around the house. This sentence is fine in structure. The problem I had with it was basically, it wasn't interesting. You could change it to something like this Carefully, she searched around the house, looking for signs of mischief. A crude example, but probably you get what I mean. Most people like to read interesting, lively sentences, with words that paint a picture in their minds. At least I know I do. It can be hard to write that kind of sentences, and I have trouble with that all the time. But if you add a few sentences like that, the story will shine even more.*Smile*

Things I Liked:Like I said before, the tension was tremendous in this story. I don't know how you managed to build it up like that, but it was very strong. The tension in the room could snap a red oak as if it were a mere twig. You used good imagery there, as it makes the reader picture a tree snapping like a twig, and then you realize just how strong the tension was. I liked how your main character kept blaming it on her imagination, basically because that sounds like me! Then at the end when you find out it was actually a dream, you can see that she really did have a big imagination. I thought those two things fit together well.
Great job on the story! I enjoyed reading it.
Write on!

~Jali

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Review of Rán  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Achilles Asheelz !

Here is a review for your story "Rán" , which won second prize in
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#1848884 by Not Available.
. Congratulations and thanks for entering!

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Plot:Ran has to leave the house where she grew up and lived for many years, if she is going to marry Aegir. She is unhappy about it and reminisces about all the things that she did there, wondering how he could make her choose. The story moves quickly and flows easily, especially since it has a rhythm and rhyme almost like poetry in some spots.

Characters:Ran is a beautiful young woman who is reluctant to leave her home behind. Aegir wants her to leave her home to marry him. Ran seems to be a strong and stubborn girl with a kind side to her, from the way she captures pirates to keep them from hurting innocent people. The description of Aegir's arms being able to break stone was very original, and showed his strength well.

Suggestions:The ending, at least for me, was a bit hard to follow. Did they live in the house on the rock, or did he still make her leave? Maybe you could make that a little more clear. In some ways, the whole story was a bit vague, although I understand that since it's sort of like poetry that is a good thing. It wasn't too bad, I just noticed it especially at the ending.

Things I Liked:This description where beautiful trees on North Hill allude to a green blanket on gray stone, the light stressing certain points to appear a giant sleeping, and hanging moss sway in the breeze, trying to cover his pate, but a large gray swath on the eastern end where his combing missed completely. I loved that description, as I can totally picture it. Also the second paragraph. I could see those stone walls and smell the breeze, it was very descriptive.
Keep up the great writing, and thanks for entering the contest!
~Jali
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Review of Owl Song  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Amay !

Here is a review for your story "Owl Song" .

This review is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore it if you wish. It is meant to help, not hurt, and to give the writer ideas on how to improve the piece.

Plot:A woman goes out at night and enjoys hearing the owl and being refreshed by the beauty of nature. I also enjoy nature which is partly why I read and liked this piece.

Characters:In the first paragraph it is a little confusing exactly who is the main character. At first I thought it was the dog, but when I read "He knew his way home. Reaching the clearing, she paused" it sounded like you were first calling the dog "he" and then changed it to "she". But I soon realized how it was, it was just a little hard to understand at first. I liked the way you weaved in that part about how the light in the window let her know that he was still up. In a subtle way it lets the reader catch a glimpse of her life.

Suggestions:In the first paragraph there's that thing with the "he" and "she" switch. Maybe you could somehow change that "she" to "his master" or "the woman", or just something like that to show that it's a different character.
In the second paragraph, you used "went" and "turned" both twice. You could try using some more descriptive words, like "She slipped into the cabin" or something like that. In my opinion, "turned" is not too bad, but "went" isn't a very descriptive word. In the third paragraph, "dream like" should be "dream-like".

Things I Liked:"a crisp crunch on the fallen leaves" This line reminded me of a fall walk through the woods, great imagery. "stark contrast of the leafless trees against the brilliantly shining moon" This line was also very descriptive, I can see it in my mind. "Sniffs, kisses and persistent whines let her know it was time for another walk" I thought that line was a great way to show that it was the dog, rather than telling that it was a dog. That was probably my favorite part of the whole piece. And the last paragraph I really enjoyed, in my opinion, it was an almost perfect picture of a winter morning.
Overall, you did a great job! It shows you have a talent for describing nature. Write on!

~Jali

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sailor M !

Here is a review for your story "A Lesson On The Basketball Court" .

This is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore it if you wish.

Plot:Kevin, a tough guy, shows some new guys that they can't get past him. Way to go at fitting it all in with just 300 words! I thought it was a good take on the prompt too.

Characters:I think you showed Kevin's character well with the way he talked and acted. The line "showing his teeth in what could have been mistaken for a smile," was a good example of how he acted. The younger kid was one of those typical people who try to stand up to someone much bigger than themselves when it's not a wise idea to do that. And Kevin's brother looked up to him and yet was a bit jealous like younger brothers often are. So good job with your characters.

Suggestions:Just one small mistake: "kids face" should be "kid's face", but that's all that I noticed.

Things I Liked:The lines ""Just stay out of my way," he grunted.

Big mistake. I rolled my eyes, along with Kevin's buddies". They showed Kevin's personality almost perfectly. Your ending was great too, summing up the story theme well in just one sentence.

Again, that was a wonderful job on fitting the whole thing into 300 words.

Write on!

~Jali

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi HayleyBayley !

Here is a review for your poem "Mouldysocks and the Three Bears" 

Remember this is just my opinion, so you have the right to ignore it.

Title:Great title! It drew me in and made me want to find out what in the world Mouldysocks was like.

Structure:The flow of the poem was a bit awkward in a few spots, making it a little hard to read. The first and fifth stanzas were probably the main problem. I didn't see any problem with the rhyme so great job on that. I noticed that the fifteenth stanza and the last stanza were both eight lines long, while all the other stanzas were only four lines. I would probably split those two into stanzas of four lines.

Content: I really liked your creative take on Goldilocks and the three bears. I was totally not expecting the three bears to die of the smell. I liked how that showed how bad the smell really was. And the lines "Otherwise, it will be time
For you to say your prayers" made a good ending.

Suggestions: Other than the things I mentioned before, I didn't see anything wrong except one minor issue. The line "With her socks still in tact" should probably be "With her socks still intact."

Things I Liked: The stanza “You lovely bears, please do not
Eat me for your dinner,
Because let’s face it, Daddy bear,
You’re not getting any thinner!”

Something about the wording of that stanza just made it seem more funny so good job on that.

Also "She had wild hair,
And beady eyes like coal
Then, of course, sweaty feet,
Like those of a troll."

That description helped me to picture Mouldysocks and just how gross she was.
Your use of descriptive words also helped add to the poem.

Overall, it was an entertaining read and I really enjoyed it.
Write on!

Jali

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Review of Wind  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi kittygirl !

Here is a review for your story "Wind" .

This is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore it if you wish.

Plot: Bre watches as a tornado comes close and is ready for it to destroy her, but then it misses her, and she almost wishes it would have taken her like it did her parents and house. I liked the way you called it the wind and then at the end it really was a tornado.

Characters: You showed Bre's feelings well-how she knew she was going to die and wanted to die bravely, how she was ready to die and then how she felt let down because the wind didn't take her. Also the Wind - she was my favorite character. Great job at describing her evil and violent personality.

Suggestions: In the first paragraph you wrote "She came from far away. Moving swiftly, moving dangerously closer." You could change that to "She came from far away, moving swiftly and dangerously closer." Something about the last sentence sort of left me hanging, but that could've been just me. Could you maybe change it to something that sort of sums up the story?
Or else something like "Wind would always have a voracious appetite."

Things I Liked: "If Bre could give her a color, it would be a dirty grey, or perhaps, an evil, inky black. But Wind would own no color. She would only own touch and her touch was biting with teeth, razor sharp. Her touch could be claws that ripped and shredded or it could be fire and ice that burned and froze." I loved those lines. The description was so vivid I could see the tornado and feel those teeth and claws.

Summary:I think you did really well at describing the tornado. Everything else was good too other than those two little things I noticed. Keep it up!

*FlowerT*Jali

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC!
I enjoyed your poem about the clouds:) I liked the description of them being like angels at play and also cotton balls of hay. The way you talk about it being God's display is also neat. The rhyme was a little bit awkward in the last stanza but not too bad.
Keep up the good work!
~Jali
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Rated: E | (3.5)
First of all, you did a pretty good job with your descriptive words in the first part especially, although in the last half or so it wasn't quite as good. The plot was a little hard to follow, though, and I'm wondering if maybe you could cut out the part about J.T. since it really doesn't have anything to do with the story. Also since the story is pretty short, I'd probably not bother dividing it into chapters either. Remember these are just my opinions and you don't have to do what I said. Keep on writing!
~Jali
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Review of Megaloblatta  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Your beginning sentence was good, it got me hooked into the story. At the beginning the plot was a little hard to follow, although that might have been just me. The way you showed Jim's panic was really good. I also like the way the men are so sure Lucy didn't see anything, it's almost like a little bit of foreshadowing. And the way Lucy yells "Megaloblatta!" is just perfect.
The ending was great, I really liked it.
The one thing that I noticed was just a punctuation issue. At the spot where it says "Dirty dust clouds engulfed the white clad explorers as they went deeper into the unknown," I would put a semi colon after unknown, since it's two different sentences. Other than that, it was all good as far as I can tell.
Good job and keep writing!
~Jali
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