I enjoyed reading your entry for the Short Shots contest, and hope you find this feedback helpful!
Overall Impression: Wow... Meredith just can't cut a break, today. I can certainly say I can relate to similar situations, making this story a fun read.
Plot: Meredith wakes up just to realize she is late for possibly the biggest presentation of her life thus far. The story follows her folly after folly on her escapade to the office, only to find out what we all dread -- the meeting has been rescheduled. The plot line was engaging and playful with some comedy intermixed. I would have loved for Meredith to be called into her bosses office and have him tell her, however. The secretary relaying the message felt flat, and I think teasing her just that little bit longer with her thinking she was still going to make the presentation would make the lighthearted ending have a brighter impact.
Setting: The story starts in her apartment, ending in the office. Not a lot was said to describe the setting, but I don't think it detracts anything from this short story. The most important thing was the emotion and the journey to get to the office on time.
Characters: I can easily identify with the character. She seems down to earth and accessible. Nothing can wave her. She is going to make it to the office and she is going to make this presentation, gosh darnit!
Dialog: Some of the dialogue felt written rather than natural, such as the first few exchanges between Meredith and Mr. Skinner. Sometimes, what helps me is thinking about a natural conversation I've had along these lines and trying to reflect that in the dialogue. It's a tricky think with minor characters when they interact with major ones!
Grammar & Spelling:
And you're oh, so late, crossed her mind as she hurried to get ready. [Wording is a little funny to read. Maybe ‘And you’re oh, so late’ she thought. Crossed her mind doesn’t feel like it flows well.]
It's a good thing you're OCD, she thought smiling. [Not sure I like this, since ‘you are OCD’ would read as ‘you are obsessive compulsive disorder’ in long form. Maybe ‘For once this OCD might be a good thing!’ or something along those lines]
Her clothes were laid out on the wing-back chair in the corner. To save time, she hurriedly slipped on her blouse as she half-ran [sprinted, maybe?] to the bathroom.
She quickly glanced at her watch. 8:25. "Don't panic. You still have time," she reminded herself. [Maybe add ‘reminded herself, trying to soothe her nerves’ to emphasis how important this meeting is to her and how stressed she is already?]
The trip down to the garage level seemed to take forever and as she shot out the opening doors, she collided with Mr. Skinner, the building [superintendent], sending him backwards and popping open her computer bag. [This sentence seems to run on. Maybe’ The trip down to the garage level seemed to take forever. As she shot out the opening doors, she collided with Mr. Skinner, the building superintendent, sending him backwards and popping open her computer bag.’ Also, is it a computer bag, or a briefcase? You’ve called it both, now, and I picture two different things in my head when reading them.]
…echoing in the dimness. [Is the parking garage poorly lit? Echoing bounces off of objects, not light, so this might be slightly confusing. Maybe ‘echoing on the concrete.’?]
The old[,] white Ford Taurus was sitting just where she left it.
Old [R]eliable[;] I can always count on you.
The tears that Meredith had felt before now began flowing down her cheeks as her frustration turned her cheeks red. [You use cheeks twice in this sentence. Maybe use face for the second?]
…bike and shoved off with a "Thank [y]ou" yelled over her shoulder.
It had been years since Meredith had ridden a bike [, which was] evident as she wobbled down the street.
[New paragraph here]The image seemed to agree and smiled back. She tucked in her blouse, wiped her face and patted her hair.
[New paragraph here]"You're too tall anyway," she accused the mirror with a smile.
[New paragraph here]One thing she knew as she finally regained control and headed back to her bike - after today, the presentation was going to be a ride in the park! The thought made her start giggling again.
Suggestions: I've made a few above, and hopefully they are helpful! This was a sweet piece of writing, and I wish you luck!
Remember that these are my personal thoughts and no ill intent is meant by any criticism given above!
Thank you for sharing your story and your gift on Writing.com!!
Write On!
Kitty Can Write
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |
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