I liked the visual you are painting with your words but if I had to suggested something it would be to review some of the passages to possibly make the piece flow into the painting as though on a canvas. Example:
`The heavens compressed into bands of blue and grey
and blue-grey at the horizon"
- might have been written as: The heavens compressed into bands of blue and gray cresting at the horizon.
As we always like to remind - this is just a suggestion - good work!
I like your style and your words.. you relate well from where you are coming in this piece and the ending is raw - the way I like it! Good work (Now I can see why you won the award, lol)
Well to be honest this story needs some work. I am not sure if you have re-read this before posting<?> but it stumbles at points. Please understand story writing takes a lot of work. I will have rewritten a story several times in order to get it to develop into something compelling enough to want to read. This is not criticism meant to discourage you but to say story writing is complicated and requires concentration to what it is you are trying to tell by your story. I have heard of novelist speak of differing ways they construct their story before actually writing it. You may want to explore that avenue a bit and find what works best for you. They say the key to a good story is the opening - it has to compel the reader to want more - to find out what will happen next and you managed that in this story but then it gets kind of lost and that is where you will have to pick it up..good work
Well first off as one who is 17 you express a great deal of sensitivity through these words. As to suggest you are not a poet - who is<?> The ability to capture and effectively translate emotion so that others can share in it is open to all but achieved by few and in my opinion, by this poem, you are well on your way to being one of them. What I find works best for me is to visualize what I want to say - play it out like a video in my head all the while putting down the words to what I see initially not worrying about spelling, structure, etc., then once I am finished to re-read it and make the necessary correction/improvement to polish it up. Too, if you leave it for a few days then revisit it you might find ways to tweak it up a bit to make it flow better or to emphasize I point not yet made. Anywy keep up the good work
I like the emotion you are connecting to but if were to be honest I feel you are not letting go of the true depth of your feelings for this person.. the elements are there but you want your words to emit the emotion you are feeling in your heart. I find when writing a piece like this I let my imagination put me in the moment and let the words express the feelings I am feeling...to picture the experience then put down the words that best express them. Just let the words come out as you feel them then worry about form after..typically you will find only few changes are needed <mostly typo's lol> but keep it up you seem on the right track with what you are wanting to convey..
I liked this but it would have been more effective if the last paragraph were written in the first person e.g.: `Alas! If only I were born a Himba! This lovely maiden would be mine! or my mate!' Other than that the text painted a very exotic if not erotic, picture.
Excellent read...From the start as you read you knew this was being told from the view of an animal..bird was the first that came to me at the start..but then it became obvious but confirming.. enjoyed it
Interesting.. I like you, have several stories in progress. Thankfully I do have some completed - well first draft - lol. As to your story lines I think story 2 has the most intrigue as to what may develop. Story 5 leaves me asking what do the CEO and zoologist have to contribute to the demise of a gang of anarchists - one could say that is what is to be found out but on first blush it sounds a bit strange...but good luck with it and the others...
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