Nice poem! It's a little awkward for me to see "Dad" when you referred to your other loved ones as "My grandpa", "My grandma", and "My husband". I as a reader would feel much more comfortable if you changed it to see "My father". That keeps the pattern. Keep on going with the great work!
Nice poem coming from a homeless man's point of view. You tried to rhyme a lot with this rhyme scheme: ABCB, but the first paragraph doesn't rhyme. You can also show more obstacles other than the rent and the gas. Maybe you can show that he doesn't have any friends or that he can't get food. Good work!
Great poetry you've got there! I like you use of metaphors and rhetorical devices. I notice your subtitle says "gold the most precious metal upon earth" but it seems that the poem isn't about the metal gold. It's about the color gold. So maybe you can clarify that a bit, but good work!
What a beautiful poem! I think the word "gossamer" doesn't need to be repeated again. It feels like you put that so that the sentence fits the rhythm you are aiming for and to me, it seems pretty awkward that you are using the same adjective twice. Great nice rhyme scheme!
I like your poetry! This is the second I've read so far but I'll read all your poems. "Rain comes to visit us this way!" seems a little awkward to me. Maybe you could change it to something like "Rain comes from the skies down this way." I can't wait to read your other works!
Nice poem! I think you can leave out some words like "big" in "big dogs" because that doesn't really fit into the poetry. I also think that you used "happy as she can be" just to fill in space or rhyme but I don't know if that was your intention. I like you first rhyme set with W.D.C. Ingenious!
Nice! Try using rhetorical devices more often such as these:
Anaphora
Adynaton
Metaplasm
Pleonasm
Here's a great website on rhetorical devices: http://rhetoric.byu.edu/
These rhetorical devices can make a speech very persuasive and can really help your nomination!
Great! The last paragraph is something to remember. Also, nice rhyming scheme. It would be really cool if you wrote a sonnet. Have you considered putting rhythm into your poem? Maybe you could try an iambic pentameter scheme. Lines 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 are all iambic and line 2 and 3 is actually in iambic pentameter. I tried changing the first paragraph to iambic pentameter:
"Rising in the misty dreams of sleep
The coming dawn a whisper on the wind.
Remembering a promise left to keep,
A special promise never to rescind.
To one who ponders, sits, and thinks, and waits,
I must arise, and must not hesitate."
It's your choice, of course, if you want to use this. I already like your poem very much. Great work! Keep it up!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/oidoldol/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 9:27am on May 03, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
