What rotten luck Brandon has. He is so geared up and ready for one of the most important nights of his young life, ready to lose his virginity to a stranger. All goes wrong from the second he shows up at the designation. His date has taken off to rescue her husband to the dismay of Brandon, leaving him with a friend. Sam is a nightmare, and Brandon just wants to find a way out. A phone call to Sam has them heading to 7-11, and a girl runs toward the car as gunshots ring out. They narrowly escape. As the police sirens draw near, Brandon lets the girls out, but he doesn't get far before heading off to jail.
I felt the anguish of the young man as he pondered how to explain things to father. Don't think any amount of explaination will make up for getting arrested.
Only suggestion I have is this: “Make a quick stop at the 711 over on Smith’s.” If you are talking about the party store chain of 7-11, think you need to add the dash there. Otherwise I was thinking of a seven hundred and eleven.
This was a sweet piece of poetry. It had great rhyme and flow. What could have started out as sad, quickly turned around at the mention of St. Nick. Only suggestion I have, is the very last line.
And open the present for me--I don't know why, but I keep looking at it and thinking if you changed just one world--And open a present for me.
Either way, nice job. I really liked this piece. Happy holidays.
Definitely a different take on the whole Merry Christmas theme. I like the humorous side a lot, had me laughing and shaking my head on a few occasions. In keeping with the workload of flying around the world in 24 hours and dispensing gifts, it makes perfect sense that Santa would have special powers. Giving Rundolf his nose, genius. Thrusting the reindeer into a forest where hunters lie in wait, priceless. Nice job.
I love that line, not the saying a pic is worth...but YOUR line. How very poetic of you! I'll be back from time to time to see what else might radomly appear in this folder.
Flow: I didn't realize that the character was in middle school until the last paragraph. I serioulsy thought that the main character was in high school. That being said. As far as flow and rhythm of the story, for the most part it was good. I was in the main characters head, and understood that she had issues with concentration, mostly in part to the boy who has caught her eye.
Grammar:
1--With those midnight black eyes and incredible eyes, you've already said eyes, so what other feature are you talking about?
2--My gaze if fixed on him and I'm getting goosebumps on top of my goosebumps.
3--his head turned from Ms. Britt to straight at me.
4-- still think there is a that one ounce of compassion
Sugesstions: I do however, have one big issue. Over use of words. The last paragraph wasn't so bad with all the yeah's in it, but the second paragraph has the word JUST four times. It is way overused. You need to either eleminate it altogether, or use it sparringly thorughout your piece.
Personal Opinion: This is a good start, but it needs some tweaking. I like the tortured teen-age angst.
Nothing better than a laugh at the end. I liked how the rhyme continued from the very beginning to the end. It had great flow. Love is a complicated thing between two people with different views and different needs. Good job.
This started out so good. Had great flow, and each verse seemed to move quickly from one to the next. I really like it a lot. But the last verse just seems to stick out. I've read it three times now, and can't determine what it is exactly that throws the flow off. Wish I could suggest something that might explain it a bit better.
Very cute. It was short, but had great flow. It rhymed well too. There is only one suggestion I would make, and you can do with it what ever you like. I really won't mind.
But all of this just reminds me, I am but a tree!{.c}
I think that you don't need the word THAT. It seems to flow freely without that word. Good job. Makes me less likely to swat a bee when I see one. LOL.
A lot of drama in a short piece. I want to know more about Michelle. As she stand in the shower debating how she will break the news, is the water warm or cold? Has she already washed her body and is just standing under the water as she fights to come up with the words? The food that is brought into the room gives me a sense of the morning sickness, but that is the only sense that is happening in the scene.
It's a privotal moment and I understand Michelle's way of thinking. Does she love Jon? Nothng is mentioned about her feelings toward the man, just her feelings of what she feels she must do.
There isn't much you need to add to make it more gripping, just maybe a line or two here and there. Sprinkle in Michelle's feelings.....maybe a This would be so much easier if she loved him. Or..The realtionship was just too new Just something to the effect of her feelings.
Otherwise, good job, you kept my attention all the way through and I was wondering how it would play out. Is this from a longer story?
That was great! Haven't read a tongue twister since I was in grade school. Oh how we forget just how fun they can be. This had flow and the W's were flying like crazy. Who knew there were so many words that would start with "W" and rhyme to boot? Great job. I'll be reading more items in your port.
This piece had really good flow and a nice rhythem. It moved well, and kept my interest to see where it would lead. I like that each section began the same, but changed direction. Loved the sealed with a kiss upon my face. Made me think of the movie Shakespere in Love.
Quite the tale. It had great flow and was easily read. Lloyd has an vivid and overactive imagination; or does he? The visual of the table top, and the crashing of the picture above the fireplace was clear I could see the scene being played out before me. Nice job.
Just one thing that needs work: Perhaps it was even the best---seems to be missing something. Best what? Meal he's ever had?
Pretty powerful stuff. I was totally transported into the writing. So, because you don't mind if I nit pick, just a few things you might want to consider, but really it's good on it's own.
I dream of memorizing the texture and scent. How about---I dream of memorizing your texture and scent.
Strength enough to offer the haven I so desperately crave right there; so near. How can I so desperately crave your voice murmuring in my ear? Crave is used twice and so is desperately......was it intentional?...might want to change one of them.
Strength enough to offer the haven I so urgently crave right there; so near. How can I so desperately desire your voice murmuring in my ear?
I don't know, maybe leave it as is. Just trying to help. Great little piece.
So I reviewed this this morning, and my computer froze up, and it didn't get posted!! Trying it again.
Title: Life in High Gear
Chapter: 4
Author: Molly Jean
Plot: Holy crap! I know I said give me more Chance, and fast, but I so hoped that when Georgia thought John resembled someone she knew, it wasn't Chance. But, of course it was!! Then of course I expected Chance to be turned off by the fact that she was with his little brother, only to be wrong again! Whew, how many more wrong assumptions can I make?
Setting: Chance's place. Georgia in search of the bathroom and kitchen, finding her way, and of course running into her dream man.
Characterization: Chance is funny, kind and defintely has his eye on Georgia, and even though he says he's only looking to have a good time, to string attached, I'm hoping that's a lie. Georgia is searching for the lost years spent with Matt, finding out that she's getting older, and can't handle the liquor like she used it. It happens to all of us. But what is she truly searching for?
Grammar: Lost the few things I had down here, but remember one of the three. This was a little repetitve for me, though you could maybe change the work kitchen to 'it'. She went to find the kitchen, her stomach growling loudly. She walked around a corner and found the kitchen.
Just my personal opinion: Story moves quickly, with big surprises thorugh out. I have a lot of questions, so that will definetly bring me back.
Plot: Georgia moves back in with her old roommate and best friend. She goes back to the bar with Lena, trying to return to her old life, her old ways. I get that feeling that this isn't exactly what she's looking for. That Georgia needs something more, but just doesn't know what exactly that it.
Characterization: Lena is definitely a free spirit. She is part owner of a bar, which she loves, and is trying her best to help Georgia regain her life. Georgia on the other hand is a lost soul at this point, not sure what she is searching for.
Grammar: Nothing found.
Just my personal opinion: For me, kinda turned off by the kisses between girls, but hey, that's just me. Curious to see where Georgia will go next. How long do I have to wait til Georgia meets up with Chance again? Looking forward to that!
Plot: Georgia makes the stunning discovery that not only has Matt been intimate with another woman, but that he has feelings for the woman. Bravo to Georgia for realizing that the relationship has run it's course before it was too late!
Setting: Nice set up in the bar, letting the drinks go to Georgia's head and her tongue the opportunity to say what she really felt. Love blunt people who cut to the chase. The sex afterward was inspired by people that weren't even in the nice. Great build up.
Characterization: Georgia is ready to let go of her cushy, boring, life, in search of herself, and the happiness and love that she needs. Matt, not really sure what I think of him, other than the man has no backbone. Still trying to figure out why he even bothered to propose. Now as for the addition of Chance, I am already intrigued by the man, and I don't beleive the word intrigued goes deep enough!
Grammar: 1--She wanted freedom she wanted to be able to say what she wanted and not fear offending.(a little confusing, needs a period between she and freedom, and finsih the thought about offending. offending whom?) 2--“No, and I’m not sure exactly what I’m going through right now. 3--Something a bout him stirred her deeper than a physical attraction.(maybe take out the a) 4--He just sat...occasionaly coming out to check on her ask her if she needed anything and ask a few stupid questions about what was going on.(Long sentence, maybe breaking it up a bit, changing some words. occasionally coming to check on her, ask if she needed anything, and ask what was happening) 5--Was he really what she wanted to be with the rest of her life? (Did she really want to spend the rest of her life with him? or, Could she spend her life..) 6--She walked back in and picked up the phone dialing the bar where Lena worked on her way back out. (She went back to the bedroom, retrieved the phone and quietly went out again.) 6--He rolled her onto her back thrusting harder she could help but enjoy..(maybe throw in the word 'and' between harder and she.) 7--He had asked him why he had to leave on a Friday. (think u meant she)
Just my personal opinion: Since I married my mechanic, I guess I'm a little biased, but that's okay. We run a repair shot together now, so I will really be interested in seeing where this relationship between Chance and Georgia will go.
Plot: Georgia, I believe, isn't in love with Matt anymore. She's already grown bored from the lack of spontaneity, and their life together that reads like a repetitive calander. With four months to go before the wedding, will she wait it out, trying to get Matt to loosen up? Or will she run, in search of something else, something that will make her feel alive again?
Setting: Georgia on the road, pulling over to get her thoughts together was descriptive. Out of character she is emboldened to try and seduce her man, doing something out of the ordinary for the two of them, only Matt isn't interested. Like she went the sexy route with her clothing, instead of conservative, which I assume Matt would rather she wore.
Characterization: Georgia is in search of something more in her life. She craves excitement, and purpose. Matt seems so traditional, happy with the status quo, and not willing to do anything to rock the boat.
Grammar: 1-- It left her grabbing at air, her intention to have hand full of something a bit more firm than air.(missing her?)
Just my personal opinion: Nice begining. Looking forward to see what choices Georgia will make when it comes to her future. Matt better wake up, or else he will be gone!
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I'll be back from time to time to see what else might radomly appear in this folder.