Insteresting spin on the prompt. I didn't see it working out that way, really expected an accident, or dream like state. Good job throwing in a twist for the reader. Nothing like a good surprise.
Grammar and flow were fine, no problems. As for setting, you did a good job to paint the picture of the room. Could've even gave a bit more description of the room since you had about 60 words remaining.
This was such a great short story. I loved the emotion and the wicked twist of fate. As the end neared, I finally realized who the doctor would be, and then hoped and prayed I was right. And I was!
The flow was natural and kept my interest. Although I admit that I had to step away because of the tears, but that is a good thing. This story touched my heart and I will never forget it.
Be proud of this piece. It's a testament to the power of love, and what one person can accomplish by an act of kindness.
Extremely cute, and had really good flow. I liked how you used the grandmother, and that the people she "expected" were right where she wanted them. Good use of the prompt.
I could picture the scene in many instances which is always a plus. Taking a poem and turning it into a practial story is a pretty cool idea..
Setting: Review what you saw, smelt, tasted, heard and touched in the chapter. Was one of the senses missing? Did you know exactly what the author wished to describe? Was it overkill?
The scene of Trey and Beth waiting for the stage, and then describing the new buildings in town was vivid. I remembered the previous layout, and like that the town is growing now.
Characters: Discuss the different characters in the chapter, what they looked like, how they acted and how you reacted to them! Did something seem out of place? Let the author know!
Trey seems very happy, and has really accepted Beth into his life. He is now a family man. With the arrival of his father, I somehow get the feeling that something bad is on the horizon. Can't put my finger on it, but I'd bet it had something to do with gambling. I like Chelle, she pulls no punches. She and Beth will get along just fine.
Referencing: This pertains to the little details in a story...is the Southerner saying "ya'll" or "Hey You!". What is more appropriate? Does the mansion contain a stuffy butler or a long-haired hippy serving up a bit of hummus to guests? This is where you discuss how correct the props and background are to the setting. Dialogue, too!
Everything seems to fit well, the language, the setting and their surroundings. You have a good handle on the time period.
Plot: Review what the plot accomplished during the chapter. Even if you think you know what happened, that might not be what the author intended. Did it flow properly? Did something happen that made no sense?
Trey and Beth wait anxiously for the arrival of his father. They share a warm reunion in town before heading off to home. The house has changed since the baby was born, and two bedrooms have been added. Trey's father apologizes for what happened before Trey went off to war. Trey refuses to let his father take blame for anything. Trey believes they both did what they needed to.
Grammar: Review any problematic, repeating areas here. Look for correct technical usage of sentence structure, spelling, overuse of passive voice, a clear voice of the author and proper formatting.
Nothing that I could point out.
General: This is where you give your overall opinion of the chapter and any fact that requires closer inspection by the author. Always close your review with a word of encouragement...anything is fixable
It was so easy to get back into your characters. As if no time had passes since I read book one. I really enjoy them because she seem so real, I can picture them clearly in my mind. Maybe you could add a little more detail in their descriptions, you know for those who don't read book one. Even something faint would be good. Ready to see where this one is headed.
This was really funny. Especailly since Urban Legends seem to the "in" thing right now. It's all over television, and people can't stop buzzing about things they've heard or saw.
Love the Richard Nixon reference to your Award Winning Illustreated Dictionary. Great line by the way. Thanks for the defined definition of Urban Legends.
I can definitely feel the agnst in Jimmy as he struggles to write the dratted love letter. His little sister is annoying, so he makes sure she's out of his hair a bit. I loved that his mother was yelling at him and he was finally able to finish the letter.
A few things to point out. The exclamation is over-used. Almost every sentence had one including a few ?!. It has become such a no-no, in most cases, that I thought I should mention it. The other thing that struck me as odd, was Jimmy calling his mother Mrs. Belafonte. At first I thought maybe it was his step-mother, but then I read on.
Write-on! Happy holidays. You did a good job of capturing Jimmy's emotions.
I am such a romance freak, it's true. So when I read the first stanza I smiled and was excited to continue on. Then the second one too was just as smoothly written as the first. But the last, just didn't have that same flow that the two before it had. I have read it now three times, and the best I can do is make a suggestion. Take from it what you will, my focus is really the last two line.
Through sickness and health
Good times and bad.
I love you baby.
With the strongest love that could be had.
Through sickness and health
Good times and bad.
My undying love for you,
The strongest ever had.
Still doesn't have the same flow. I tried to help.
The more I think about this last stanza, you could easily omit the third line, and break the last line in two, adding the word EVER between that and could.
Who is the woman and why has she been waiting for Tindo? This is a big question for me. I like that Tindo has a secret, a secret that he hides from the others before changing character. The voice comes in the middle of the day, with the sun shining bright and high in the sky. I could picture that scene so easily in my mind.
Funny and cute. I liked this story a lot. You took the prompt and ran with it brilliantly. The country isn't bouncing back, and incorporating that with Santa is hysterical. Killing two birds with one stone was a smart way to put it. My favorite part was the last line "Man, I hope you have cable." Nice job, so errors that I could see. Congrats.
Whether it was a sign of turmoil or relief, shehe wasn’t sure. I believe that it's Brianna's POV at this point.
It's quite the sad and common tale. So many broken homes, that don't have to be that way. At this privotal age, Brianna has a rough road ahead of her. It was a good beginning. I liked that the mother stood up and did what was right, knowing that even though it might be easier to live at the house, other issues will soon follow. Nice job.
Great flow in this piece. For the most part it rhymed as well. I found it quiet intriguing and was totally suprised by the first line. So dear Bobby Clampert was quiet the rowdy, crousing, good-time guy. Some boys never learn-or in this case end up among the missing. I believe that boy is dearly departed. The poor girlfriend who put up this boy, only to find the gore.
Nothing to point out or suggestions that I could come up with.
Nice to see a subject that my kids are so into twisted into a story. You sprnkled the story with enough information that it was easy to follow and understand, then threw in charachters who were acting out the characters and bringing them to life. Yvette is a animee junky, and proud to play the part of a character that she loves. The search for her partner is thrawted by the opening of the curtain, and when she trips, who should come to her rescue but he elusive partner. He saves her easily, and asks her out for coffee. Yvette is impressed with Brandon, and when he kisses her, she is breathless. Loved that part. Favorite line was: To Yvette it was the perfect ending to a wonderful day, where a promising friendship had been born from the pages of a young girl’s fantasy. --it summed up the story and gave insight into the future of the characters.
Couldn't find anything that needed editing, or changing in any way. It was a good piece, and kept my avid interest.
Wow, this story for being so short, just gave me a chill. I had no idea that it would end the way it did. I kept thinking of a cheating partner, or someone testing the boundries of risky clothing, but never suspected this.
You managed to create drama, and pin pointed what it must have been like to have an Afican American hit an all white town. Old Marcus, even though there was no description of him, I could see clearly. The reason being that he spit his chew. His line even rhymes to boot. A brave soul doing what must be done, and breaking the boundries. Excellent job.
A twist of fate has torn a family apart. A mother dozing in hot sun of the summer as her young child plays near the waters edge. It is not your typical story of a chiild drowning as one might think. A dangerous creature lurks in the water, lying in wait for it's next victim. Daniel is determined to kill the monster that has taken away his baby. Maryann is a mess, afraid that when her husband goes out on the lake something bad will happen. And she is right.
I couldn't find anything wrong with the grammar, and the story had good flow. One thing I think could have been amped up a bit was the emotion of the parents. Maybe showing a little bit more anger from Daniel would really spice up this piece.
What rotten luck Brandon has. He is so geared up and ready for one of the most important nights of his young life, ready to lose his virginity to a stranger. All goes wrong from the second he shows up at the designation. His date has taken off to rescue her husband to the dismay of Brandon, leaving him with a friend. Sam is a nightmare, and Brandon just wants to find a way out. A phone call to Sam has them heading to 7-11, and a girl runs toward the car as gunshots ring out. They narrowly escape. As the police sirens draw near, Brandon lets the girls out, but he doesn't get far before heading off to jail.
I felt the anguish of the young man as he pondered how to explain things to father. Don't think any amount of explaination will make up for getting arrested.
Only suggestion I have is this: “Make a quick stop at the 711 over on Smith’s.” If you are talking about the party store chain of 7-11, think you need to add the dash there. Otherwise I was thinking of a seven hundred and eleven.
This was a sweet piece of poetry. It had great rhyme and flow. What could have started out as sad, quickly turned around at the mention of St. Nick. Only suggestion I have, is the very last line.
And open the present for me--I don't know why, but I keep looking at it and thinking if you changed just one world--And open a present for me.
Either way, nice job. I really liked this piece. Happy holidays.
Definitely a different take on the whole Merry Christmas theme. I like the humorous side a lot, had me laughing and shaking my head on a few occasions. In keeping with the workload of flying around the world in 24 hours and dispensing gifts, it makes perfect sense that Santa would have special powers. Giving Rundolf his nose, genius. Thrusting the reindeer into a forest where hunters lie in wait, priceless. Nice job.
I love that line, not the saying a pic is worth...but YOUR line. How very poetic of you! I'll be back from time to time to see what else might radomly appear in this folder.
Flow: I didn't realize that the character was in middle school until the last paragraph. I serioulsy thought that the main character was in high school. That being said. As far as flow and rhythm of the story, for the most part it was good. I was in the main characters head, and understood that she had issues with concentration, mostly in part to the boy who has caught her eye.
Grammar:
1--With those midnight black eyes and incredible eyes, you've already said eyes, so what other feature are you talking about?
2--My gaze if fixed on him and I'm getting goosebumps on top of my goosebumps.
3--his head turned from Ms. Britt to straight at me.
4-- still think there is a that one ounce of compassion
Sugesstions: I do however, have one big issue. Over use of words. The last paragraph wasn't so bad with all the yeah's in it, but the second paragraph has the word JUST four times. It is way overused. You need to either eleminate it altogether, or use it sparringly thorughout your piece.
Personal Opinion: This is a good start, but it needs some tweaking. I like the tortured teen-age angst.
Nothing better than a laugh at the end. I liked how the rhyme continued from the very beginning to the end. It had great flow. Love is a complicated thing between two people with different views and different needs. Good job.
This started out so good. Had great flow, and each verse seemed to move quickly from one to the next. I really like it a lot. But the last verse just seems to stick out. I've read it three times now, and can't determine what it is exactly that throws the flow off. Wish I could suggest something that might explain it a bit better.
Very cute. It was short, but had great flow. It rhymed well too. There is only one suggestion I would make, and you can do with it what ever you like. I really won't mind.
But all of this just reminds me, I am but a tree!{.c}
I think that you don't need the word THAT. It seems to flow freely without that word. Good job. Makes me less likely to swat a bee when I see one. LOL.
A lot of drama in a short piece. I want to know more about Michelle. As she stand in the shower debating how she will break the news, is the water warm or cold? Has she already washed her body and is just standing under the water as she fights to come up with the words? The food that is brought into the room gives me a sense of the morning sickness, but that is the only sense that is happening in the scene.
It's a privotal moment and I understand Michelle's way of thinking. Does she love Jon? Nothng is mentioned about her feelings toward the man, just her feelings of what she feels she must do.
There isn't much you need to add to make it more gripping, just maybe a line or two here and there. Sprinkle in Michelle's feelings.....maybe a This would be so much easier if she loved him. Or..The realtionship was just too new Just something to the effect of her feelings.
Otherwise, good job, you kept my attention all the way through and I was wondering how it would play out. Is this from a longer story?
That was great! Haven't read a tongue twister since I was in grade school. Oh how we forget just how fun they can be. This had flow and the W's were flying like crazy. Who knew there were so many words that would start with "W" and rhyme to boot? Great job. I'll be reading more items in your port.
This piece had really good flow and a nice rhythem. It moved well, and kept my interest to see where it would lead. I like that each section began the same, but changed direction. Loved the sealed with a kiss upon my face. Made me think of the movie Shakespere in Love.
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I'll be back from time to time to see what else might radomly appear in this folder.