This essay shows that you've given much thought and research before writing. Giving your opinion when backed by information to support your stance is the only way credibly to present it. You do a good job of that. Whether I agree with you or not doesn't matter, you have met the burden of writing an essay.
I'll send a complete edit to you privately.
Avoiding second person (you, your, etc.) would strengthen your essay.
Since you are the writer of this essay, the reader will believe that it is your opinion and belief; therefore, you don't need to write phrases such as "I believe" or "in my opinion."
Please let me know once you've revised so that I can review again.
You have some very good descriptions. In places you paint a clear picture with your words. I feel as if I am present.
In some places, the wording is awkward and confusing.
Janet faced one side of the closed doors to the sanctuary, but could see all of their guests on the other side, through the small, rectangle windows. This is one of the sentences that needs work. Perhaps, rewrite it something like "Janet, on one side of the closed doors to the sanctuary, could see all the guests on the other side through the small, rectangular windows."
You comment twice about the end of her first journey. I don't think you need both.
More editing information will be given on the SSW Assignments and Reviews forum.
You have improved so very much in your writing. Good job.
This poem is well-written, as yours generally are, and it's definitely thought provoking. You paint a too realistic picture. Yes, war is always horrible and devastating, and mothers and babies die just because. My heart goes out to them wherever they are or were, including in the Twin Towers or the Oklahoma City Federal Building.
I like that different quotes aren't in the same line. Yea!
Hmmm, I wonder when someone will write about the oppressed civilians waiting for arrest and torture? "Don't worry, baby, Momma might come back some day"?
This story has all the components for a really great piece. The descriptions are full of detail and imagery, if too much at times. The plot could be excellent, but it gets lost in all the detailed descriptions.
Too much "telling" happens in this story and not enough "showing." Perhaps start the story with the mother telling her son to go to town and not daydream or forget what he was supposed to do.
Use more dialogue to move the story along.
Don't go into more detail than necessary for the story. The descriptions of the clouds are beautiful, but too much. Bring out the descriptions of the man and pickup (only what's needed) bit by bit, not all at once. Maybe have the boy need to more some of the junk out of the seat so that he can get in, etc.
The same with the other long paragraphs of nothing but narration. Narration should mainly give actions, behavior, and vocal tone for characters.
Watch your grammar. You have many run-on sentences. Names directly used in dialogue need to be set off by commas.
I hope that helps. If you need more assistance, let me know. Also I'd like to review again once you've revised. You do have the ingredients for a very good story.
I am speechless. This analogy presents such a poetic symphony, filled with poetry devices and language, that the finished picture is... is complete. I don't care if there may be any punctuation faults (don't know, don't care), I love this revision. Your poetry speaks to my heart and my mind.
The imagery through alliteration and metaphor creates an unforgettable picture in my mind.
The only thing that bothered me is the choppy delivery in places. I realize that articles have been omited to create this unevenness, and that practice is probably intensional. I don't personally care for it, though.
You once again have used words to wrap the reader into your world of imergy.
You have written a suspense-filled story that kept my attention and interest throughout. Your writing continues to improve and amaze me.
Now, let's take it one step farther.
Try to use fewer state-of-being verys and more action verbs. Doing so will strengthen your writing greatly.
For example: The voice was coming from the bottom of the hole could be "From the bottom of the hole, the voice continued to cry (or call or echo)."
The voice was coming from the depths of the cave. Closer now, but still a
way off. The previous needs to be one sentence so that you don't have a fragment. "The voice was coming from the depths of the cave, closer now, but still a way off."
The following is a run-on sentence, and a comma is needed after ceiling: His head
was already scraping the ceiling and the walls were close enough to touch with either hand.
This poem is indeed a slice of life. The saddest thing remains the truth revealed about not only the beggar but also the other two men.
I'm surprised at the problems I found, not like your usual writings.
Periods and commas always go inside the end quotation marks, whether singular or double.
My friend snapped, "Save it!". The period isn't needed.
"Here comes a beggar to bother us, wouldn't you just know." This is a run-on sentence. Either a semi-colon is needed after "us," or a period with "wouldn't" capitalized.
You are indeed a poet. The language, the imagery, the power of this piece is the best I've read of yours. What beautiful use of words, what wordcraft. I'm impressed.
I can't believe this poem was your first attempt at an A-Z. It's very good. I enjoyed the flow of images, all which tie together beautifully.
The only problem I had was with the ellipses, which are usually used to show something missing from quoted material or an emotional break in dialogue. Wouldn't commas be better in those places?
The story told in this letter is interesting and thought-provoking. I enjoyed it very much. A few changes would make it much better.
I realize the language difference causes some problems; therefore, I will send a thorough edit in an email message. I can remember when I had to write a research paper in French for one of my French classes. Whew! I nearly went crazy doing that, and I had many misused French words and phrases.
One problem I found numerous times is the use of run-on sentences. A comma before the subordinate conjunction will fix those. Two weeks ago, Colonel Macmillan came to him and they had dinner together. A comma is needed after "him." Macmillan had been in Asia for a military venture and now he is working in the allied forces. A comma is needed after "venture." His name was Chughtai and he ruled a small kingdom near the river Oxus. A comma is needed after "Chughtai." Your Highness, you’ve reduced your weight and now there is no need of hide and seek.” A comma is needed after "weight."
There are more run-on sentences, but I'll cover them in my thorough editing.
A few places are confusing. One thing that isn't clear: Did Napolean start his games of hide and seek before he heard the story, or did he intensify the games after the story?
Another tale encroached in emotion and vivid poetic language, this poem has an underlying message of deep love lasting through the years. You once again take a small thought or item and develop it into a whole story. Good job Harry.
The one jarring thought is the use of second person in the second stanza.
This piece pictures the beginning of spring vividly, as the cat encounters bits and pieces of hinting spring.
Be sure all punctuation is correct.
1) In the fourth stanza, a comma rather than a semi-colon is needed since the following is not an independent clause.
2) In the last stanza, a comma is needed after buzz.
It takes a special talent to weave a story from a person's experience eating candy, well, a narrative. The words reveal the person you want us to see. I feel as if I'm watching the scenes unfold through this interesting character sketch.
Please don't use ellipses when a comma is needed. The over-use or incorrect use of ellipses take away from the piece. They should be used for emotional breaks in dialogue, mainly.
Commas and periods always go inside the end quotation marks.
Be sure your sentences are correct. Avoid run-on sentences.
The people who didn't live during the years of women "staying in their places" don't understand how free we are now. I'm glad, though, that you were able to find your place. Your story is well written, organized well, and has support with your ideas, experiences, and comparison of life then and now.
Isn't there an a missing before teacher in "...I had some kind and encouraging words from teacher..." ?
If you could avoid the vague it, your writing would be tighter and more concise. An example of a possible revision of "I wondered why it couldn’t be that the position of youth director could be one’s actual career goal..." might be "I wondered why the position of youth director couldn't be one's actual career goal..."
Check for run-on sentences. By adding a comma before the conjunction, the problem can be repaired.
If you revise and would like me to review again, please let me know.
This poem holds some excellent imagery. It portrays dying as a blackness that engulfs the person, very strong painting with words. I especially liked "And my body craves gravity."
I would suggest some correcting of punctuation. In line three, a comma is needed after breath (which should be breathe). A comma is needed at the end of five rather than a period. The same for the end of line seven.
Lines nine and ten seem very long. You might consider dividing them into shorter lines.
Lines two through seven seem choppy. One suggestion would be to join some of the ideas into the same sentences. An example of what I mean is shown for lines four and five:
I must be dying I think to myself,
As I fall into the black nothing.
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I'll send a complete edit to you privately.
I still wish some way you could separate the speeches by different characters. Having one quote right after another, in the same line, bothers me. 