Hey Kenzie - I just found this awesome contest! Mind if I spread the word? This looks like fun - I will definitely enter.
I'm putting this on the public reviewing page not because I think this a good review but because I want to spread the word. CHECK OUT THIS FUN CONTEST!
Wow this is exquisite - I read it twice just to drink in all the imagery. I absolutely love that the lady doesn't just swoon in his arms immediately but rather stands strong and honest.
Overall I thought this poem was well-written and image rich, with a strong, flowing syntax. It reads like a song or a chant, and that seems perfect for this kind of poem. A few thoughts:
Early in the poem you say:
The sky above me, sang through rays of blue
The earth below me, an emerald green
The sweet shade of cottonwoods cooled my skin
The wind sang through my hair
Wild and free, I felt that day
As the hoofs of grey
Thundered under me
...and I think it could be even stronger if you tweaked it just a bit, i.e...
The sky above me sang through rays of blue;
The earth below me, emerald green.
Sweet shade of cottonwoods cooled my skin
And wistful wind sang through my hair.
Wild and free, I felt that day
As the hoofs of grey
Thundered under me
There are a few other places where I thought just one word's replacement or addition could make the poem even crisper and stronger than it already is.
You use the word "seen" a few times when you should be using "see" or, if you want past tense, "saw." If this is deliberate, I couldn't tell.
Overall, though, this is a powerful piece. Good for you!
Overall, this is a well-written, organized and informative piece...not too dry or academic.
There are places where it needs some polishing and tweaking....for example, here are a few editing notes:
Here is one instance where you've slipped into passive voice - Help can also be sought through Vermont’s Abuse Prevention Act
Try instead: One can seek help through Vermont's Abuse Prevention Act
You ask: Why is it that these numbers are decreasing? What can we credit this decline in rate of child abuse to?
Try instead: Why are these numbers decreasing? To what can we attribute this decline in rate of child abuse?
Just goes to show you that coffee is GOOD for pregnant women! :o)
Very inventive, extrremely well-written....great flow as well. I thought the last paragraph was particularly original with its shift in perspective. It's a fabulous ending.
Editing note:
You have --> As it slowly inched it's long body
You need to remove the apostrophe in "its." The only time you use an apostrophe in "its" is if you want to say "it is."
Hey, this was a great read...not only informative but entertaining as well. I am lucky enough to be able to afford an upgrade, but your article looks at the non-upgraded membership as a glass that's half full.
I really like the fact that you're telling this from the dogs' perspective. Overall the piece feels very original and fresh. The story is interesting and the writing is good.
In places, however, I feel as though you are TELLING the story when you instead should be SHOWING it.
Here is what I consider an good example of what you SHOULD be doing more of: "Mothers bounced babies on their knees; an old man near the front coughed; shoes shuffled on the wooden floor. Finally, Mr. Collins entered the church and stood facing the assembled crowd." <--Here you bring the reader directly into the action.
If you do this effectively and consistently, you won't need lines like this: "The scene we witnessed was pretty depressing" which are instances where you are TELLING, not SHOWING.
I think the last line could use some tweaking. You want it to be as powerful as possible, so you don't want to have to say "my story ends;" you want to be able to, again, SHOW it.
"Hearing the tick- tock of the clock,
makes the lock of time open slowly."
But then you repeat the word slowly twice in the next line and it loses its power for me. I would like to see it reworked to include some fresher imagery at the end.
Write on!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/winklett/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 10:36pm on May 22, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
