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26
26
Review of In the making..  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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I loved this! Very good job. Your word choices are very good for the most part, and I love the fantasy world that you paint around yourself. I especially liked the lines, "I find myself in the midst of a world parallel to reality, separated ((check spelling of "Seperated")) by the dynamics of time, untouched by [the] chaos of this worldly life, as a knight in shining armor upon a white horse paints the canvas of my life with vivid colors of ecstasy." The way the line ties in to the ending is a very nice touch!

I do however, have some suggestions for this.
- The first sentence/paragraph of your work is quite a run-on sentence. To start by saying, "As the magical night is...." and then continuing, "As I find myself..." and then to, "As a knight in shining armor...." -- it doesn't really work to have that many clauses piled up in one sentence. Try to separate that part into at least two or three sentences if possible (which would include rewording the ideas you have there unfortunately).
-There are a couple places that could be looked over for comma usage. The first deals with that first sentence again, but if you changed things from my last suggestion, that should be taken care of already :). Also... Try this, "Charmed with an aura of mystical energies, he seems to speak an untold story, sealing my life with a promise of eternity." Or something to that effect. And: "They call it "time," yet somehow he lies in this soul of mine."
- You use the word "mystical" twice. This is perfectly fine, but.. maybe you could consider a synonym for one of those times :).
- Last suggestion! "Like a wind unblown, a symphony unheard(comma), my prince on the white horse is yet to brush himself up on the canvas of reality." Insert that comma -- but also, I feel that this piece would be taken more seriously with a period placed at the end of that last sentence. Those two exclamations marks - to me - ask to be taken less seriously, if that makes sense. But.. this is quite good and so you should demand more seriousness from your readers :).

Anyway. Great job! Hope you don't mind the lengthy review and that you get something helpful out of my rambling. Keep up the good work!

Yera



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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
27
27
Review of I Surrender  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*



Wow! It's crazy to read someone else's writing when it feels almost as if it is your own. I know the place you were in when you wrote this. I've been there. Thank you so much for sharing :).

I would absolutely love to hear this. Have you recorded it or put it up on Youtube or something? I'd be happy to check it out :).

I have a hard time rating lyrics, as it is hard to hear their intention without hearing the music behind it -- but as for the writing, I loved your wording and the content of this piece. I love the switch from the song being about your surrender, to the surrender that Jesus gave for you. I don't really have any suggestions for this piece. Only praise :).

Thanks for introducing yourself in the Talent Pond. Hope to be seeing you around more soon!

Yera

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
28
28
Review of Nill  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  *BalloonR*


Thanks again for your review. Just thought I would return the favor!

I'm quite fond of gothic poetry and this one does not fail to impress. The rhythm of this is EXCELLENT and I loved reading this in all of its darkness :).

"Dreamless nights turn to sleepless nightmares." Love it. Your wordplay is a lot of fun, but even in its wit it retains a dark quality that I thoroughly enjoy. I can't wait to hear more from you!

Keep up the good work and post more soon! Welcome to WDC.

Yera

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
29
29
Review of Ode to Love  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  *BalloonR*


Great job! Especially since this is your first poem ever! Congrats on becoming a poet :).

I absolutely love the description you give of your feelings towards this girl. The emotion is almost poetic in itself.

The main suggestion I have that I believe could thoroughly improve this poem, is to change the format of the piece. It's not really written in a poem-like form. I would actually label this more as prose than poetry, myself.

Shorten the sentences - or at least the lines - and listen carefully to the way they flow together. The structure of your words will really influence the way your poem is read.

Aside from that, there are a few places where you could insert a comma to make this more grammatically correct, but... You might not need to fix that if you do choose to restructure this.

Other than those suggestions... Great work :). I loved reading this and I hope to hear more poetry from you in the near future! Keep up the good work.

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
30
30
Review of One Short Hour  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  *BalloonR*


Amen! :) haha. I totally agree with the words of this poem and I appreciate you sharing your faith here on WDC.

You make some wonderful points about the importance of prayer and the importance of spending time in a personal relationship with God -- two things I can definitely agree with.

I feel as though your poem might be more effective though if you took a quick look over your poem and corrected a few grammar mistakes :)

- "What parched grounds refresh as with a showers!" -- "A showers" doesn't really make sense, could you reword this? Ex: A shower. With Showers. Etc.
- "Stands forth in sunny outline, brave and clear." -- notice I added a comma to this line.
- "Anxious or troubled, when with us are prayers." "Are" should be used before plural words. "Is" is for singular :).

Other than those little things :) Great job! Thanks for sharing.



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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
31
31
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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This is an interesting take on schizophrenic poetry! Good work. I like the way its kind of like a battle in the narrator's head with his schizophrenia.

One little suggestion in the first few lines, "your" should actually be "you're." You're = You are.

Another suggestion I have is that if you are going to use punctuation in your poem, then I feel you should use it consistently throughout. The same goes for capital letters.

Other than those quick grammatical glitches in your work, I thought this was good :). Do you know someone suffering from schizophrenia that inspired this poem?

Anyway, keep up the good work and keep writing!

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
32
32
Review of Arrival  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hey! Great job with this. I thought it was very well written. Your voice was excellent throughout the piece and I love the analogies and phrases you use. One of my favorites was when you described the drinks: "they appear to me momentarily suspended, a rainbow of frozen fountains dangling in a chaotic abyss." I thought that was brilliant and even though it was a minor point in your entire work, it stood out to me for its creativity and visual :).

I just have some quick grammar suggestions for your work -- most of these pertaining to commas:
-In the second paragraph: "In this moment, I am overwhelmed..."
-"Beneath the clouds, the Caribbean Sea" This is a fragment, even with the additional phrase. Maybe "Beneath the clouds lies the Caribbean Sea --..."
- This sentence confused me a bit: "From this empty, oceanic consciousness I am willing myself to remain anchored in, a point of attention emerges and directs itself toward a red blip on the blue-green screen at the front of the cabin; we are south of Jamaica." If it is supposed to be an interruption, I would show that in a different way. If it isn't an interruption then I'm just confused :). But either way.. Could you consider rewording it?
-"Two flight attendants, a big woman with fake red nails and a wiry man with large.." - There is no need for a comma between "Fake red nails" and "and a wiry..."
-"Ghostly clouds loom on a jet canvas; beyond, the specter of the ocean at night, pervasive and intangible." If you are going to use a semi-colon here, I think the second part needs to be a complete sentence: Beyond, the specter of the ocean at night appears pervasive and intangible."

Just a few suggestions for your story. Also, I personally thought the ending was a little confusing -- not that I didn't know what happened haha. The whole introduction of the speaker's daughter threw me off a little bit. Maybe you could try introducing her earlier so that it doesn't seem to appear so randomly.

Anyway, great work! This deserves a high rating -- despite how picky my comments may have seemed. Can't wait to read more of your stuff.



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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
33
33
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  *BalloonR*


Wow. This was really good!

Unfortunately, I don't have any true constructive criticism for this piece, but I would like to commend you on a job well done!

The voice this was written in was so natural and believable that I felt I could hear the speaker's voice in my head. Normally when people attempt this, it sounds forced and unnatural, but... You did remarkably well. Good job :).

I loved the speaker's descriptions of his father and how he relates back to these things as he faces his death. The correlation between his father having to walk alone and then walking alone, himself, towards the gallows was perfect. The incorporation of the song as his father used to sing created this emotional regret in the reader at where the narrator ended up.

LOVE IT. Keep up the good work :). Can't wait to read more.

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
34
34
Review of LOST  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Haha I absolutely love this poem. I completely understand the place you are in and I find this totally relatable. It is quite well written, but I just have a few comments/suggestions to make.

I was a bit confused at what I was going to say in this review at first, because there were times when all I could think about was commending you on your fluid rhymes and perfect rhythm, but then there were also times when the rhyming felt a little bit forced and unnatural.

Some of the places this felt unnatural were where you rhymed, "stocks" and "locks," and "wish" and "fish." Obviously these rhymes are fine, it just felt too much like you built your words around the necessity to find rhymes, not that the rhymes fit in to what you were trying to say -- if that makes sense.

One minor typo: "Breathe" should be "Breath."

One line confused me a little bit, "What the number that you portray as your age." I don't know if I am reading it wrong, or if it is missing a word, but... I wasn't exactly sure what you were trying to say here :).

Other than that, great job! I would like to wish you a good luck in the rest of your college career, and believe me when I say I know exactly where you are right now. I feel ya ;).

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
35
35
Review of The Detective  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  *BalloonR*


I really enjoyed reading this poem! It's very good, although I think I would have been a little confused had I not read the description first. That's just something to think about in case your poem ever stands alone. Consider making it a little more obvious what this is about -- but not too much :).

I loved the words you chose and the rhythm of the piece. It flows effortlessly and yet still portrays wonderful emotion.

There are a couple places I'd like to suggest a possible rewording though.
One is:
"She shakes, weeps like
"A lost, exhausted child;"
Consider:
"She shakes and weeps
"Like a lost, exhausted child"
Just an idea :). Either way is PERFECTLY fine. That is just my own suggestion.

My second thing I'd like to point out is this:
"My keen machine men"
I don't really understand what you meant by this. I'm not sure exactly what you are referring to with this phrase, but... maybe that is just me :) haha.

My favorite part of this is the final verse, "I fear this broken woman is/forever changed./This stabbing fear will steal her/merry heart and/bury it beneath a cloak of/anguish."

Very nice work! Keep it up and good luck on the contest! :)

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
36
36
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  *BalloonR*


Woah! Creeeeeeepy :). This reminded me of a mix between Inception and Shutter Island. Is she dreaming or is she awake? Is she sane or insane? Great job creating suspense and letting these haunting questions linger throughout your writing.

I loved how you showed the speaker's addiction to dreams and their struggle to overcome that addiction. I liked this underlying aspect that followed along with the plot. Very nice :).

I only have a few minor suggestions:

- The journal-type style of your writing was PERFECT for this -- however, the first paragraphs don't seem to be so much as a journal entry, but more of a narration. Maybe you can consider rewording the very beginning in order to keep it more consistent with the rest of your story.

- When the dead girl is introduced for the first time, how does the speaker know that she's dead? Is it just a hunch? Or is her physical appearance clearly that of a dead girl?

- Also, I feel as though the ending was a little weak compared to the rest of your work. It seemed as though you kind of fizzed out a little at the end. Can you experiment with that a little bit? How did the dead girl come back? I feel as though the main character believes she is back in reality, so how would that initial meeting in "reality" go? It seems you are avoiding having to think up this meeting by simply saying, "The dead girl came back." :)

Ahhh so... I got a little too caught up in your storyline to focus too much on grammatical issues -- which is usually what I focus on in my reviews, since bad grammar is one of my pet peeves. So... Sorry if I missed something that I normally wouldn't have :). ((This is a compliment, because it just means I was riveted by the suspense :).

Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more from you in the future! Thank you for sharing this.


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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
37
37
Review of LISTENING POST  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  *BalloonR*


Ah! I absolutely loved reading this! Thank you so much for sharing.

Sci-fi has always been a favorite genre of mine, but it has always been difficult to write for me. You did an absolutely brilliant job describing the setting and the history of this war between the Coders and humans. It was completely believable and you gave your readers just the right amount of information to visualize the scenes but not take away from their own sense of imagination. The characters are excellent and charming in their own ways, the dialogue was natural, and the plot was intriguing. The dynamics between Odin and Dana were perfect and the ending was tragic but beautiful. Great work!

The only REAL suggestion I have is that you make this into a full length novel about the war against the Coders. I was kind of hoping that, because you introduced the battle against the Coders, it would be resolved by the end of this... but I know that would take a much longer book in order for that to happen well.

There were three minor things that I noticed that I wanted to mention, but both are strictly opinion:
- Three-D. I feel that it would appear better as 3D or three-dimensional. Just a thought though :).
- Your use of the word "sucked" - "Concentrating on how much it sucked to deal with bio-imbalance while fighting for her life Dana replaced her despair with anger." - I felt was a little out of place.
- Also, you used the word "articulated" to describe Odin's arms three times. Maybe you could come up with another word to avoid overusing the phrase.

Thank you so much for sharing. This is a great piece of writing. I can't wait to check out the rest of your work :D.

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
38
38
Review of Winter Came  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  *BalloonR*


Hey! Great poetry! I absolutely love this poem and felt I had to read it as my UN is "Winterscoming," but... apparently it already came :).

The idea is great and I absolutely love the personification of the seasons in this. For the most part, the rhyming and rhythm of the piece is natural and smooth. There are a couple of lines that I would like to suggest some revision to though... Just to add to the sense of pace you've already established.

The first place I'd like to point out is line 2. Everything else in that four line set flows musically, but... that line seems to disrupt that rhythm. Maybe you could consider rewording or adding a few more syllables somehow, possibly an adjective before pain. I'm sure you can come up with a better idea than this, but for example, "So great was my unyielding pain."

The phrase "single tingle" felt a little silly amidst a serious poem. Maybe, "Not one tingle in my mind"? And "I left far behind," seemed a little short. Here is an example of what I mean, "I left so very far behind." That's definitely not a great example, but... Do you get what I mean about the rhythm there?

One minor spelling thing, "Icey" -> "Icy."

And one final suggestion: You use the word, "sound", twice in two lines. Maybe if you changed the second line to, "Like warm and golden music," or something of that nature.

Anyway, it sounds excellent as it is :D. I just thought I'd point out a few things that I thought might add to what you've so wonderfully done. Sorry my examples of revision aren't the greatest, but.. hopefully something I said has been helpful to you!

Keep up the great work :). I hope to check out your portfolio and whatever else you have there soon!

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
39
39
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Wow! This is some excellent writing here. I absolutely loved reading this and the ending was captivating and left me longing for more! :). Way to go!

However, I am going to be a bit of a grammar/typo Nazi here and pick out everything that I noticed, no matter how minuscule they may have been. Hopefully you don't mind that, but if you do, skip this list here. I will try to keep it blunt and brief to get to more interesting topics:
- "Limp" should be "limb."
- You skipped a word here, "He the mouthful of blood..."
- "Gas" should be "gash."
- "Tornflesh" to "torn flesh."
- A couple commas are missing: "This is getting out of hand(comma) Bartholomew," "When it was attacking me(comma) it said something," and "greater demon, Baal."
-"Are you truly too vain to... (question mark)"
- Also, a lot of the times you "In the armory(period)" and then use the dialogue tag as a new sentence. It should actually be part of the same sentence, for example: "In the armory," a man from the group of people replied.

Just a suggestion, I think you should create some sort of break between the first day and second day -- even if it is just a dashed line showing that there is a break in the chapter. Or maybe just double space to show a clear distinction.

Also, the runes are something you mentioned a lot throughout this. Is there any way you could squeeze in a little bit of introduction on them -- just telling your readers a little bit about what they are or where they came from?

Wow. I'm sorry I was so grammar picky. I hope that didn't sound rude or blunt or anything. I just figured those wouldn't be that interesting to read through so I wanted to keep it as short as possible :).

Anyway. This is VERY good. Although it seems I picked on a lot of stuff, this deserves a high rating because the writing is absolutely excellent. Good descriptions, good dialogue, interesting characters. Can't wait to read more! Thanks for sharing!


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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
40
40
Review of The Tower  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey! This is a great short story you've got here! I love the connection between the painting and the artist. Also, your metaphors and descriptions are unique and refreshing :). I love the poetic qualities this short story has. It's very eloquent and easy to read!

However... because it is such a beautiful worded piece of writing, there are some things that stood out to me that probably wouldn't have otherwise... Which is ok. I just want to suggest a couple things that I think will help keep the feeling up throughout :).

In the first sentence, I found "the dragon's wing curled around the tower searching for its prey," a little awkward. It sounds as if you meant the dragon wing was doing the action, not the dragon itself -- if that makes sense. I think it might be worth revising, but... that's just my suggestion :).

That next sentence could probably be split into two. The last part starts to feel a little run-on-ish. Maybe consider taking the very last words and making it its own sentence: "A note of terror resonated in her body language alone." Or something like that.

Three quick suggestions: Consider changing the word "stalked" to "haunted" or something of the sort. Possibly, "With one last stroke of the brush, she sat back to admire her work." "And the tears splatted on the page OF a broken heart."

Hopefully you don't mind such a lengthy review. Those are just my thoughts on the piece, but hopefully I said something that you are able to find useful! Great work. I can't wait to read more :).

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
41
41
Review of The Woods  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  *BalloonR*


Hey! I absolutely love the direction this is headed and think you are a very talented writer! However, there are good number of things that could be fixed in this with a good thorough edit.

- The first suggestion I have is something that really stood out to me in that first paragraph. A lot of times you used articles (such as "the" or "a") instead of possessive pronouns. I found this distracting as sometimes it wasn't clear whose sword or whose hand, etc. you were talking about.

- Another grammatical suggestion I have for your story is that, for example, when you say:
"Never" he pushed away the blade.
It should technically be:
"Never." He pushed away the blade.
If it isn't a dialogue tag, they should be two separate sentences and I saw this a couple times in your writing.

- One last comment! I was a little confused about the transition between the fight scene and the narrator's dinner. Could you try being a little more detailed about what went on during this period of the story?

Other than those three things and a few minor grammatical errors/typos, this is really quite good :). I look forward to either reading more of the same story or possibly a revised version of this chapter sometime! Thanks for sharing. I can't wait to see where this is headed.

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
42
42
Review of lonely roads  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Great poetry! I thoroughly enjoyed this, both for the imagery you used to describe the beauty along your lonely road, but also for the metaphor of life as road with people that come and go.

The third and fourth paragraphs really caught my attention. Loved those :).

The only thing I can suggest that I think would really pull this poem together would be a stronger conclusion. I love the final paragraph, I just feel as though the last two lines could really make or break this poem. They aren't bad by any means, but... I bet there are things you could say to just give this poem a little extra oomph -- for lack of better lingo haha.

Great job! I loved this! Keep up the good work.

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
43
43
Review of Prince  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey! Great job with this.

I must start out by saying that I thought the part where you introduced the Mail Carrier was absolutely wonderful. I was confused, "Woman that spits fire? Smells of rodents... Hm..." Not one of my quickest moments, but I thought that was brilliantly written.

The only suggestion that I have is that I would have liked a little bit more information, plot-wise. I know its from the perspective of the dog so that would be difficult, but... If you do take time to expand this at all, I would personally like to see a stronger hint at what is going on... if that makes sense :).

Anyway, great work. Thanks for sharing!! :)

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
44
44
Review of Waiting  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey great job with this poem! I really like the way you describe the speaker's ideas about death. For the most part, I have to say -- Great choice of words as well! There are just a couple places where I feel like a little revision could make a good poem into a great one :).

In line 2, if you changed it to, "My corpse is not yet burned," I feel as though it would flow a little more smoothly.
In line 9, adding more syllables there might create more fluidity. The pauses necessary right now are a little bit awkward -- at least when I read it aloud. Maybe "Though I hope and though I wait"? I'm sure you could come up with something better than what I suggested, but... Hopefully you get what I'm trying to say about pace :).
Another thing I would like to suggest is that you consider rewording the last two lines of the third verse. It just felt out of place compared to the rest of your poem.

But those are just some of my ideas... Hopefully you find something useful to take from them :).

This is really a great poem and I look forward to looking around your portfolio a little more :). Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing!

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


45
45
Review of Live for today  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I absolutely love this! It was a wonderful reminder to me -- and something that I desperately needed to hear at the moment. Thank you so much for sharing. Normally, I feel that items of this length are slightly insufficient, but I thought that you pulled this off very efficiently. There is no extra, decorative fluff to distract from your words. Very effective writing :).

I know the point of this isn't to be grammatically correct, but the only suggestion I have is to look over your comma placements :).

Thanks again for this well-written reminder to live life in the present moment and not to let the past or future bring us down.

And --

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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
46
46
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey! Great imagery you've got here. I really enjoyed reading this.

I love the lines, "Like a camera flash/The naked trees appear/As a still shot from a movie/Barren and void/But yet full of life." Great job!

There is only one thing that confused me a little bit, and that is the final line of your poem. "If only, time, was with me then." I'm not entirely sure why you used commas in that line. Not only is it not correct grammatically, but... I found it a little bit distracting.

Other than that... Good work :). I really enjoyed this!! Keep it up :).

Also!


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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
47
47
Review of My Poems  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I loved reading through your poetry :)

I think my favorite was the Stars at War. The whole idea for the poem was very clever and I thought it was written very well. I do have to say that I was a little distracted by some interesting rhythms and that it didn't always flow smoothly, but... for the most part, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I would absolutely love to hear the same idea in the form of a short story :).

Cry of the Streets was another of my favorites. Great job!

Starting No More Butterflies, I really liked it, although... I was a little confused by the last two lines and their lack of... rhyme. It kind of threw me off a little bit, but... again, nice work. Thanks for sharing and:

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*




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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
48
48
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Awwwww :) This made me super happy. Thanks for sharing this. It reminds me of me and my boyfriend :) haha.

But... on to the writing aspect. Your poem flows very nicely and your rhymes are natural and well put together.

The only line with questionable rhythm would be "and he also heard you praying." I think maybe if you omit the word "also" it will flow a little bit more smoothly :). But yeah. Just a minor suggestion.

LOVE IT. Thanks for sharing.

Oh and:
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


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#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
49
49
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Shoooot. Wasn't expecting that ending :). ((I obviously didn't read the info underneath the title haha))

This is some great writing though! There are just a few suggestions I have about this. There are a one place where the tenses you use seem to disagree a little bit: "His only thoughts were if he WAS about to make a difference and if so, the difference he IS hoping for." I get what you are saying, but.. it made the reading of that line just a little bit awkward for me.

Also, - just a suggestion - but I feel like maybe if you said "Today is a new dawn," that it would flow a little better.

BUT. Those are just minor suggestions to a wonderful piece of writing. Good work. I enjoyed this :).

Oh! And:
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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