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Onyx stood in front of her looking glass, and watched Daniella fasten the buttons down the back of her gown.
The comma here isn’t needed.

A shuttering sigh escaped her as Daniella finished buttoning the gown, and began running the brush through her hair.
The comma here isn’t needed because the second part is not independent of the first. This is the same issue I commented on in the last review regarding commas being used before and. Again, if you want more information on this, don’t hesitate to say so. Also, I believe shuttering should be shuddering.

“It will be alright my Lady,”
Consider adding a comma before my lady because it’s being used as a direct address. Also, I don’t think you need to capitalize lady.

“I am sorry Daniella.
Consider adding a comma before the name because it’s being used as a direct address. I’ll stop pointing these out, since I know you’ll have no trouble finding them on your own.

The drive lifted his hat in solute.
The word drive should be driver. Also, I believe solute should be salute.

I had been a long time since she . . .
I should be It.

“Where did you learn you magic?”
The second you should be your.

“I like woman very much,”
The word woman should be women.

Watch out for the punctuation around dialogue when using actions following the dialogue, rather than dialogue tags. If you’d like a link or two for more information, just let me know.

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There were two main issues that I noticed as I was reading. The first was a lack of commas after introductory phrases. The second issue I noticed was that you tend to use a comma before the word and when it isn’t necessary. In most sentences, the comma before and is only needed if it’s a compound sentence (which is two independent sentences being combined by the conjunction and) or if there is a list of three or more items. If you’d like some links to familiarize yourself with these, let me know. I’d be more than happy to provide them to you through email.

While Ido awaited his trial before the Council of Magic he reflected on how he got there.
Consider a comma after Magic to show the introductory phrase.

He could blame it all on Onyx, but that would not be fair some of the blame he knew belonged to their father.
There are two separate sentences here. Consider, He could blame it all on Onyx, but that would not be fair. Some of the blame he knew belonged to their father.

“Yurai I can explain,” Kyo looked nervously from Yurai to Ido.
Consider a comma after Yurai because it’s a direct address. Also, the comma at the end of the dialogue should be a full stop (or period) because it is followed by an action, not a dialogue tag.

He challenged his father then and there for his position, and one.
The comma here isn’t needed. When the same subject performs two actions one after the other, a comma isn’t needed to separate those actions. Also, the word one should be won.

He was not to put on heirs to satisfy some notion of human decency.
The word heirs should be airs.

and said in a loud whisper, “he’s still looking for me.”
Since this dialogue wasn’t interrupted by the dialogue tag, it should be capitalized.

“You must be really good if he hasn’t found you,” Ido smiled mischievously. “Would you like me to show you a good hiding place?”
There is an action in between these lines of dialogue, so the first dialogue section should end with a full stop (or period). This happens several more times throughout the story, but I won’t bore you by jotting down each occurrence.

“Hmm, It is a bit small, but I’m sure I have something that will fit.”
Just a typo here. It should not be capitalized.

. . . when he used his own magic to conceal his presents, and snuck into the palace.
The word presents shou;d be presence. Also, the comma here isn’t needed.

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The horsehair cover on the high-backed chair was scratchy even through the dotted-Swiss muslin of her long gown and she wondered just how long her overbearing brother would continue to berate her.
Consider a comma before the conjunction and because this is a compound sentence.

Is it}my fault . . .
Just a typo here.

I cn handle, barely.
Just a typo here on can.

Belle sighed. remembering the conversation.
Just a typo here. The period should be a comma.

Garret MacElroy paused at the edge of the rode, . . .
I think rode should be road.

{And then she did.
Just an out of place bracket here.

She looked up at his approached and swiftly . . .
The word approached should be approach.

"Not at all, in fact, I'm even more intrigued," he grinned as he dismounted his horse.
Since an action follows this dialogue, the dialogue should end with a period and the narrative should start with a capital.

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and he didn't intend losing it any time soon.
The section intend losing it felt a bit awkward to me. Consider rephrasing for a smoother flow. For example, and he didn't intend to lose it any time soon or and he didn't intend on losing it any time soon.

"Where are you?" He whispered . . .
Since he whispered is a dialogue tag, the he should not be capitalized. When a tag follows dialogue, even when an exclamation point or question mark is used, it is considered part of the dialogue, whereas actions are considered separate. This issue appears a few times throughout this chapter.

You want us both eaten!"
I think this would come across a little better if it was a direct question. Consider a question mark in place of the exclamation mark.

It was followed swiftly by a hissed, "you fool."
This dialogue should start with a capital.

. . . like a dying man in a desert slaking his thirst from some isolated oasis.
Consider a comma after desert in order to ensure that the reader doesn't get confused and think that the verb slaking pertains to the desert that comes directly before it.

It was considerably closer than before and sure enough, just seconds later a figure emerged into the puddle of light.
Consider a comma after later to show that just seconds later is an added element to the main sentence.

The creature moved directly into the middle of the light, and placed its cargo down carefully, . . .
The first comma here isn't needed because both actions are performed by the same subject.

. . . holding his body statue-like.
Consider, statue-still.

His arms stretched out to either side groped for any sensation of a wall, . . .
Consider isolating stretched out to either side with commas to create a smoother flow for this sentence. The stretching to either side is an added element, and putting commas around it allows the reader to see that without having to read it over more than once.

It's still out there you know.
Consider a comma before you know because it's an added element to the main sentence.

. . . a Trajak doesn't hear too well, it can't hear us right now.
These are two separate, stand-alone sentences, so they should be separated by a semicolon or period.

Watch the light"
Just missing the end punctuation on this sentence.

"Let go Pollir, that's not yours. Go see your Mother."
Consider a comma before Pollir because it is a direct address. Also, mother is being used as a title, not a name, so the capitalization isn't necessary.

"Su..su..sush, . . .
I this word should be shush.

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Various songs and taunts had followed be around for months.
Just a typo here. Be should be me.

So yeah I was nervous.
Consider a comma after yeah.

I'd seem similar before whilst attending, . . .
The word seem should be seen.

"Yes Miss,"
Miss is being used as a direct address here, so it should be preceded by a comma.

"Well I say.
Consider a comma after Well.

I didn't look back, and made my escape into the main hall.
The comma here isn't really needed because the same subject performs both actions. However, consider rephrasing just slightly for a smoother flow. For example, I didn't look back as I made my escape into the main hall.

Yes it was Gary.
Consider a comma after Yes.

Hahaha"
Just missing the end punctuation here.

"We both work with Gary now," Paul offered, only to be interrupted, "erm, aha - for me."
Since this dialogue comes from two different speakers, so it should be separated. Consider: "We both work with Gary now," Paul offered.

"Erm, for me," Gary clarified.

Or something or other like that in order to keep the two sets of dialogue separate.

Simon Pritchard, all 6ft 2 of him.
Consider writing out the numbers to make it easier on the reader. For example, six-foot-two.

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At forty-four, everything about her suggested that the word “ma’am” would never apply to her.
This statement, while strategically placed to give the reader information about her character, felt a little bit forced to me. "Everything" is kind of vague, and I think if you were to give a little more detail, it would enhance this first paragraph. Perhaps consider something like, At forty-four, the word "ma'am" seldom applied to her. Look it over and see if you agree.

Connor’s steps rattled down the stairs and he soon showed up, still looking barely standing.
This sentence felt a little awkward to me as I was reading. I think it's the last part that doesn't seem to fit properly. Consider revising just slightly for a smoother flow. For example, Connor's steps rattled down the stairs, his steps loud and clumsy. I don't think you need the looking barely standing because the active description of his progress, combined with the sentence that comes after this, paints a vivid image of him dragging himself around, still half-asleep. Again, look it over and see what you think.

Only a heartbeat later she was already around the corner and halfway across the avenue.
Consider removing the word already. For me, it doesn't add anything to the visual of her slipping away and with the introductory phrase, Only a heartbeat later, the reader sees that she moved quickly. Also, consider a comma after later to separate the introductory phrase from the main sentence.

Tall, slim, Gillian thought him in his early fifties.
Consider using the word and in place of the first comma. Also, I wonder if the word pegged would be more effective than thought. Try it out and see if you like it.

His thin lips didn’t seem used to smile at all, and all of his face had a hardened, broody air.
For me, this part felt a little forced, and perhaps over-explained. Consider simplifying a little bit. You could also make this come from her thoughts more directly. For example, His expression, hard and broody, made her wonder when the last time the man cracked a smile was. I'm sure you can come up with something much better, but I think it gives you an idea of what I mean. If not, feel free to make me think up a better explanation.

“Gotta bail, guys, would you give this to Henderson?”
Consider using a period after guys since this is two separate sentences. For example, "Gotta bail, guys. Would you give this to Henderson?"

Her voice gave Gillian a mental picture of their office:
This confused me because at this point, Gillian hadn't heard the other woman's voice yet. Consider placing this after Al's dialogue, or even break up her dialogue to add it so you don't loose Gillian's reaction to being picked up. For example,

“Rolling smooth, Reg."

Her voice gave Gillian a mental picture of their office: Fred fighting the coffee machine, Ron and Kurt welding some of those weird devices they kept putting up to no understandable end, Aldana herself lazily sitting at Gillian’s desk. And Tanya working on her computer, trying to hack into the space station or something like that—but sure something punishable by federal and international laws.

"FYI, Banks is on his way to pick you up."

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. . . which was higher than her 5 foot 2 inch frame allowed for her to touch the floor with her feet.
I wonder if you meant that she couldn't touch the floor with her feet? Later on you indicate that one of the brothers helped her down, so I think it would work better if her feet dangled, especially at her height.

It was Jeremy, who had spoken and it took Sara a few heartbeats to move her eyes to him where he flanked his brother on the right.
The comma before who isn't needed. Also, consider placing a comma before and it took because this is a compound sentence and would grant it a smoother flow.

When she had finally gotten over the shock of being in the room, she had slowly followed their orders and saw the key located on the rug, in the middle of a bed which could hold her all four of her brothers and her three sisters and they probably would still have had room for the dog and two cats.
I stumbled over this sentence a bit and ended up reading it a few times to make sure I understood what it was saying. Consider breaking it up into a couple of sentences in order to make it a little easier on the reader.

. . . you are shaking sweetheart.
Consider a comma before sweetheart because it's a direct address.

"Sara whether you retrieve the key or not,
Consider a comma after Sara.

Now hop down sweetness and see if you can get that key, please."
Consider a comma before and after sweetness because it is a direct address.

As she started to wiggle, back out she felt a hand on her lower calf and stopped.
The comma here isn't needed and interrupts the flow of the sentence.

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Sanctioned and funded by a handfull of the world’s most secretive power brokers,
I believe handfull should be handful.

Area fifty-one / Area 51
You use two different ways of writing the numerals in this name. Consider using one or the other in every instance to maintain consistency.

If he had lived in the eleventh century, Kohl would have been a King.
The word king doesn't need to be capitalized because it's not being used as a proper noun or part of a name. For example, This is King Andrew vs. This is Andrew, our king.

“What’s it been general, eight years? It’s good to see you sir. I mean that.”
Consider: "What's it been, General, eight years? It's good to see you, sir. I mean that."

“You’ve got the nest looking pretty cozy these days Sam.”
Anytime a name or endearment is used as a direct address, it should be preceded by a comma.

Sam shook his head in agreement.
I don't know about everyone else, but when I see 'shook his head' I automatically see it shaking back and forth in a negative action. Consider saying he 'nodded his agreement' to show the up and down motion.

What is there purpose?
The word there should be their. Also, you're missing the end quote marks on this dialogue.

Sam tried to get his head around the general's sudden revelation about his climb to prominence, and decent into legend.
The comma here isn't needed because both actions are performed by the same subject. Also, the word decent should be descent.

“I loved the movie space cowboys, but I . . .
Consider: I loved the movie Space Cowboys, but I . . .

Ask those questions when you have squared them away in the toy box, Angel will set up a meeting.
Consider a semicolon here to eliminate the comma splice.

He then slipped the it back over the stump and received . . .
I think the word the here is extraneous.

Kohl pointed to the ceiling. “Because seeing the face of our new enemy . . .
Starting his dialogue with Because made me think I'd missed a why question, but when I looked back, I hadn't. Consider eliminating the Because so as not to temporarily confuse the reader.

What the hell was the general thinking.
Consider using a question mark here to make this more dramatic.

Angel was the units Charles Townsend with the exception of always being in their ear . . .
I think the word units should be unit's in order to show possession.

not an easy task since there all over six feet tall.
The word there should be they're.

The getting back alive part was often Angels doing.
Angels should be Angel's.

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but the use of that gift came from my Mother. My Mother . . .
When a title is preceded by my, your, our, his, her, their, it is not capitalized because it is not being used as a name. When used without one of these pronouns, it becomes a name, so capitalization would be appropriate.

I was required to learn numerous Scriptures and poems, and be required to recite them for her first, at church second, and in competitions throughout the State of Georgia.
I think you could improve the flow of this sentence by rephrasing to eliminate the double use of required. For example, I was required to learn numerous scriptures and poems which I was then expected to recite for her first, at the church second, and finally, at competitions throughout the State of Georgia.

Each poem had to be learned and spoken with the right emphasis, and with the right diction for each.
I think you could eliminate some redundant wording here with a little rephrasing. For example, Each poem had to be learned and spoken with the right emphasis and diction.

Competitions for these were always held at the schools, and prizes were to be won.
I'm not sure what you mean with this sentence. Does prizes were to be won indicate that your mother expected you to win, or does it mean there were prizes that could be won? If it's the second, consider, Competitions for these were always held at the schools with prizes to be won to ensure there's no confusion.

. . . you will get over the freight and settle right in, . . .
The word freight should be fright.

Her favorite was a Readers Digest because it always . . .
Consider removing a. Also, there should be an apostrophe in Reader's.

Well, I was never at a loss for words, but with the skills she instilled in me, I have been able to speak all over the USA on various topics related to my job.
I think you could smooth the flow of this sentence with a few small changes. Consider, Well, I have never been at a loss for words, and with the skills she instilled in me, I have been able to speak all over the USA on various topics related to my job.

. . . and currently as Mayor of my City, . . .
I'm not 100% sure here, but I think city should be in lower case.

This is another thing I'm not certain of, but I don't think you need to capitalize scriptures throughout this piece. I looked online for an answer and found that when being used to refer to sections or verses of the Bible, it is not capitalized, but when the word is used to indicate the Bible itself, it is.

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a somewhat weathered artist sketchbook containing drawings, . . .
Consider, a somewhat weathered artist's sketchbook . . .

“About the boat”.
Since this is meant to be a leading comment, consider, "About the boat . . ."

show a half dozen of these retrofit craft stationed at small outposts around Inman's Island.
I think craft should be crafts.

It dam near killed me, . . .
The word dam should be damn.

They’re ultra private, password protected, encrypted discussion forums, geeky stuff I know.” He shrugged. “Guess that’s my big secret for the day."
Consider, They're ultra private, password protected, encrypted discussion forums. Geeky stuff, I know." He shrugged. "Guess that's my big secret for the day."

“What”
Just need a question mark before the end quotes.

my first encounter with the old women demon.
The word women should be woman since there was only one demon.

What the fuck Simene.”
Consider a comma before Simene because it's a direct address. Also, consider ending this with a question mark to give it more emphasis.

“Yeah—real world“
Just missing the end punctuation before the quote mark.

Understanding that a screaming, squirming, fear possessed five-year-old, meant no more birthdays . . .
Consider removing the comma before meant because it interrupts the flow of the sentence.

Fear is inherent in all life-forms, but in human's, it's especially disabling.
The word human's should be humans. The apostrophe indicates possession, while the absence of one indicates the word is plural.

"I am afraid Simene--but it will never control me."
Remember you need a comma before any direct address.

struggling to make sence . . .
Just a typo on sense.

When driving the masterpiece of engineering Merci could feel the road through the steering wheel, . . .
Consider a comma before Merci to show that When driving the masterpiece of engineering is an introductory phrase.

and onto Alaskan way,
If the name of the street is Alaskan Way then the way should be capitalized. The same goes for Rho's Green Lake condominium that comes later in this same sentence.

I lost tract of time. My bad.”
The word tract should be track.

“Rodger. You still there?”
Just a typo on his name.

and before you protest—here me out.”
The word here should be hear.

I met them years ago—there a bit strange, . . .
The word there should be they're.

."their not just astrologers Merci, their psychics, they interpret energy's, auras--they will have answers.”
The word their should be they're in both cases. Also, the word energy's should be energies to show a multiple rather than possession.

It wasn’t until she finally turned off the main highway and entered the back country, that a vague trepidation began to tickle the back of her neck.
The comma before that isn't needed. As a rule, the word that introduces necessary information and is rarely separated from the main sentence with a comma.

at the end of Rogers Google map,
This should be Roger's to show possession.

The girls were so unique and compelling, it made no sense.
I'm not sure I understand what it made no sense is referring to here. If it's a lead-in for her trusting them immediately, consider rephrasing.For example, The girls were so unique and compelling, and while it made no sense and she would probably never articulate a rational reason for her insight, she trusted them immediately.

Who--or what--had Merci on a leash, coaxing her toward an ever perplexing, ever deepening mystery.
Consider a question mark at the end of this sentence.

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