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Review of Requiem  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey there, Jack !

*Star* This is a review of your item, "Requiem"  on behalf of "Invalid Item" . *Star*

Thank you so much for your participation! My fantastic judges and I don't claim to be experts on these genres, however, we put a lot of consideration into what we are looking for from our participants and came up with the system for judging your entries that we deemed the most effective *Bigsmile*.

If you have any comments or questions about the contest, our reviews, or anything else pertaining to this activity -- please feel free to ask!


*Peace* First Impressions:
Thanks for entering "Invalid Item"  again, Jack! I love reading your entries. You are always great at coming up with original ideas and capturing the essence of human emotion. I love it. There are some grammar issues that I would like to take a look at as I find that these do effect the readability of your story, but overall you did an excellent job. I loved reading of Drake's turmoil -- I found myself rooting for him the whole journey *Smile*.

*Peace* Fantasy at its Finest:

 *Bulletg* Emotion. I was aching for Drake from the very start. It seems to be a necessary trait for a true hero to be born, losing someone they love. To have revenge dangled in front of him so easily must have been pure torture. Yet Drake emerges from this an even greater hero than before -- overcoming one of the most daunting trials he will ever have to face -- if not the most daunting.

I loved the way Meteor left Drake to make the decision for himself. Every hero needs a wise and seasoned mentor to train him and get him on the right path (although I guess that isn't always the case. Batman's mentor didn't exactly help get him on the straight and narrow. . . ), but it's also necessary that they learn to stand on their own. Meteor did a good job with his trainee *Smile*.

"Can you do this without turning into a monster yourself?" What a vital idea for Meteor to interject into Drake's internal conflict. Without this, he is blinded by his pain and rage. Here, things are truly laid out on the table. Even I was rooting for Drake to put an end to Roberto, yet with this change of perspective, it is clear what needs to be done.

*Bulletg* Plot. I thought you did a wonderful job setting this story up -- starting with Drake and the picture of his lost love and ending with his chance for revenge. Your readers will silently cheer for him as he takes the higher road -- though all in admiration of his ability to do so.


*Peace* Suggestions:
*Bulletg* Grammar. The only real suggestions I have for this short would fall under the category of "Grammar." I'm going to apologize now as I tend to get a little long winded about this. Your story is solid, but I feel that these things detract from your story's readability. A good story has the capacity to draw its readers in and keep them there until the final word. Your shorts have potential to do this, yet grammatical errors tend to break this bond at times.

*Right* TENSE! Ok. You start your story in the present tense (i.e. puts, stares, dances, etc...), yet by the end you have completely switched over to past tense (i.e. replied, lifted, watched, etc...). This is personal preference and nothing more, but I would suggest switching completely to past tense. I know that you tend to write a lot in present tense. I just have a tendency to be biased towards past tense writing *Smile*. Either way, it is necessary that you stay consistent with whatever tense you choose. Keep an eye out for this.

*Right* He put the photo away, and refuses to look at his mentor, Meteor, and chooses to gaze over the city instead. This is kind of a run-on sentence. There are a few other places where sentences start to get this feel -- not very often -- but just enough for me to comment on it. One suggestion I have for this specific example would be: He put the photo away, refusing to meet his mentor's gaze, and instead chose to look out across the city. (Or something to that effect...)

*Right* . . .watches the snow fall down unto his dark. . . I believe that "unto" should be "into" in this case. Minor detail.

*Right* . . . trying to stop as much bullets. . . "Much" should become "many." Another minor, nit picky thing.

*Right* "What is justice Drake?" When you have lines like this, where the speaker is addressing someone directly, make sure to put a comma there. "What is justice, Drake?"

*Bulletg* Ok. I guess I have a couple suggestions that don't fall under the grammar bullet... "I failed... I failed everyone..." Said Drake. "I failed my both my parents, who were killed by Grephor. I failed my friends who were all killed by Clockwork. I failed Cheryl... she died in a building that was rigged with explosives by Roberto, the arms-man." Drake walks away from Meteor, away from the ledge of the building, lets down his hood, and watches the snow fall down unto his dark hair and face. "I'm not cut out for this Meteor. I can't even save the ones closest to me."

This paragraph is fine how you have it, but may I suggest changing it a bit. It seems a bit awkward that he is explaining all of these things that his mentor probably already knows. Consider changing to something like this: "I failed. I failed everyone. . ." said Drake. "My parents. Cheryl. . . " He paused at the mention of her name, remembering how he had lost the woman he loved to Roberto, his nemesis. Roberto had rigged the building for explosives. He had tried to save her, but arrived only moments too late. . . She was already gone. "I'm not cut out for this, Meteor. I can't even save the ones closest to me." Now, I took some liberties with details and stuff, so let me apologize for that. But do you see what I'm getting at? Consider taking the details out of the dialogue and placing them into the narration.

*Bulletg* Show, don't tell! Here is one example: Drake and Meteor avoid the gunfire. . . How did they avoid the gunfire? Did they dodge it with their superspeed? Did they use their superhero energy clouds to confuse their opponents? Did they narrowly miss getting shot just by sheer luck? In as many places as you can, show your readers what happens *Smile*


*Peace* Final thoughts

 Great job! I thoroughly enjoyed Drake's tale. You sufficiently captured your superhero in a moment of great turmoil as the prompt called for -- and had me enthralled for every moment of it. Keep up the great work -- and best of luck to you during the judging!

- Yera

Keep up the good work! Hope to see you again next month! *Bigsmile*
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Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey there, Sir Various !

*Star* This is a review of your item, "The Law and the Fist"  on behalf of "Invalid Item" . *Star*

If you have any comments or questions about the contest, our reviews, or anything else pertaining to this activity -- please feel free to ask!


*Star* First Impressions:
Great piece of writing from you, as usual, Sir! I was absolutely captivated by your intriguing tale. The plot was well-executed and the action was brilliantly written. Thank you for your participation in Words of Legend! I really enjoyed reading your work.

*Radioactive* Action/Adventure at its Finest:

 *Bulletb* I loved the personification of the Law that we find in your main character. It was a really cool idea that you had -- and you wrote it wonderfully. It seemed very original to me (but perhaps you drew inspiration from another source? I don't know... If not, major kudos to you *Laugh*).

Lines such as When the Law is broken hard enough, I perceive the imbalance; I am commanded by Law to seek equilibrium and Law shook the room, in my perception, reverberating around their weapons were really intriguing to me. It made for a great character. In the same sense as the Dark Knight, it showed that ideas like Justice, when faceless or nameless, can take many forms. Kind of a cool concept in my opinion.

Also... This whole idea kind of gave me the impression of a person embodying the Force (What can I say? I'm a sucker for Star Wars and science fiction *Laugh*) and then being placed in a sweet Western/Pirate scenario. All good qualities in my opinion *Bigsmile*.

*Bulletb* Another thing I really loved about your story were the action sequences. They were executed wonderfully. I almost didn't notice I was reading them, in the sense that I was so caught up in the moment, unhindered by unnecessary words and/or lack of detail. Sometimes authors leave a little too much of the action up to their readers' imagination, or describe their scenes so precisely that the actual action gets muddled in pointless details. This was definitely one of my favorite aspects of your work. Great job!

*Radioactive* Suggestions:
*Bulletb* Take a look at your use of adverbs throughout your story. This isn't a HUGE issue or anything, however I think your overuse of these can detract from the strength and effectiveness of your writing.

For instance, the first line: Trouble was brewing. I could feel it. The town of Devil's Creek practically resonated with almost prophetic anticipation. The words "practically" and "almost" create a feeling of redundancy here. If you changed this to, "The town of Devil's creek seemed to resonate with prophetic anticipation" or something of the sort, it eliminates this problem.

Another example of this would be that you use the word, "practically," three times. To me, this tends to give the impression that you couldn't think of the actual word you wanted to use. Practically ran could become hustled, scampered, escaped, etc. Just a thought!

*Bulletb* You seem to use a lot of sentences that are on the verge of being run-ons. This is alright, however they seem to occur at a bit of an excess. Just take a look over with this in mind and see what you find. Maybe you like it that way, and that's fine *Bigsmile*.

*Bulletb* This is kind of the same idea as the previous bullet point, but I did a search of your piece and found that you use semicolons forty-five times. There are also a few places where you have put commas that seem unnecessary. Consider reviewing this. Your story reads very well as it is, but -- if you are wanting to make some changes -- these are just a couple suggestions that I have! Hopefully you find them helpful.


*Radioactive* Final thoughts

 Amazing piece. I really, truly enjoyed it! It was most definitely deserving of the First Place spot it took in Words of Legend. Five stars for a wonderful piece that stayed true to the prompt in a both captivating and imaginative way.

Thanks again!

Yera

Keep up the good work! Hope to see you again next month! *Bigsmile*
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Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there, Shawlyn !

*Star* This is a review of your item, "With Apologies to Robert Louis Stevenson"  on behalf of "Invalid Item" . *Star*

If you have any comments or questions about the contest, our reviews, or anything else pertaining to this activity -- please feel free to ask!


*Radioactive* First Impressions:
It's always nice to see you, Shawlyn! I always know to expect a lot from your Science-Fiction and Fantasy writing -- It was great to see you in a different light this time. Your Action/Adventure story did not fail to disappoint. *Bigsmile*

*Radioactive* Action/Adventure at its Finest:

*Bulletb* First of all, I absolutely loved the title, but I found the apology to be unnecessary *Wink*. Your writing was great as usual. The tense and voice in which you wrote the story was fine, and the entire piece was grammatically sound (which I definitely appreciate!). Thank you for making an effort to produce a clean piece of writing - it allows your readers to focus on the content of the story without being caught up on the gritty details of the writing itself.

*Bulletb* Your descriptions of Blind Pew immediately caught my attention. You allowed your readers to truly feel from the blind man's perspective, as well as appreciate the humor of him wielding his cane with such fervor *Bigsmile*. This painted a wonderful picture of your opening character.

*Bulletb* The foreshadowing was well implemented. On a second reading of your story, I caught details that seemed to be leading towards the ending -- though not enough to give away the ending itself. Great job!


*Radioactive* Suggestions:
*Bulletb* The only suggestion that I have for this story would be to provide more background for the characters. On one hand, we have the Captain and the Squire, and on the other, John Silver and Jim Hawkins. I understood the beginning and end and how the characters correlated, but I got a bit confused in the middle of the story. I found the characters to seem a bit muddled in the sense that I wasn't really sure how they all related to each other (though that might be a personal problem I had upon reading *Smile*). If you were to create some more background on the two different character groups, I think it would make this more understandable and more readable overall -- clearing up some of the confusion.

*Radioactive* Final thoughts

 You included all of the necessary elements of the prompt -- and created an excellent read in the process! Thank you so much for your participation, and congratulations on the Second Place win!

Keep up the good work! Hope to see you again next month! *Bigsmile*
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4
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey there, Emery !

*Star* This is a review of your item, "Fight for My Freedom"  on behalf of "Invalid Item" . *Star*

Thank you so much for your participation! My fantastic judges and I don't claim to be experts on these genres, however, we put a lot of consideration into what we are looking for from our participants and came up with the system for judging your entries that we deemed the most effective *Bigsmile*.

If you have any comments or questions about the contest, our reviews, or anything else pertaining to this activity -- please feel free to ask!


*Peace* First Impressions:
Hey, great entry, Emery! I'm so glad you participated in this round of the contest. I thought this was a great story to tell, but I felt like you cut the tale off before the best part! I want to hear all the juicy details of the battle. This was a great intro, however I would love to see this continued *Smile*. Also, I felt that there were a number of grammatical errors in this -- I'll point out a few of them, but if you do decide to revise, I would just go through and do a thorough and careful edit as an exercise to help you out in the future.

*Peace* Fantasy at its Finest:

 *Bulletg* You did an excellent job incorporating the fantasy aspect of the contest into your story. I liked the way your readers are able to see Melyah discover her own strength and abilities in regards to magic, though she is learning right along with your readers. She seems very naive and innocent about the world of magic, and I think if you choose to continue this further, this would be a great angle to play on as she develops these abilities and matures into a strong Princess.

*Bulletg* Instantly Melyah felt a pain like she never had before, it burned through her body searing everything as it went. It seemed to break all of her bones, tare away every inch of skin, yank her organs about inside her body, crack her head and leave her skull pounding her heart beat. Everything inside of her burned. I thought you did a great job with the description of her attacker's effect on her. It brings your readers directly into the moment of the story, as well as allows them to imagine to the best of their abilities what Melyah is going through. There were a couple of places throughout this piece that I felt had very good visual imagery and showcased your strong writing ability.

*Peace* Suggestions:
*Bulletg* My first and foremost suggestion I have is to go through and do a thorough edit of the grammatical errors scattered throughout your piece. Most of these can probably be caught with a good word processor (like Microsoft Word or Pages), but I will point out a few of them.

Truely and truelly- Should be spelled as "truly"

The forest was truelly beautiful in the spring, fresh ferns and flowers, new little birds to come and sing. Quite a few of your sentences are not quite structured correctly. This is one example of that. "The forest was truly beautiful in the spring," can be one sentence on its own. This "Fresh ferns and flowers, new little birds to come and sing" doesn't really make sense in the sentence or outside of it. Consider rewording this to be a sentence that can stand alone. Look for sentences similar structured throughout.

...Melyah thought to herself, and though she didn't know it yet, she was about to wish she had fifty. This isn't the strongest way to go into the following section. It is also a run-on sentence. Try something like this to remedy the grammatical problem: ". . . Melyah thought to herself. Though she didn't know it yet, she was about to wish she had fifty."

Insistant - Should be spelled "insistent."

"Charles," Melyah said politly "I think that i shall continue on my own." she then waited for the response she assumed was a no. However to her surprise, there was no response. "Charles? did you hear me?" I'm going to take this chunk of writing and dissect it a little bit. There are a number of grammatical issues within this. First, "'Charles,' Melyah said politely, "I think that I shall continue on my own.'" Note the spelling of politely, the comma after it, and the capitalization of the word, "I." Next, "She then waited for the response which she assumed was a no. To her surprise, there was no response. 'Charles? Did you hear me?'" Here, note the capitalization of the words "she" and "did," the addition of the word "which," and the elimination of the word "However."

Just give your story a thorough edit with grammar in mind. I hope these suggestions help you start out a bit and that you don't find it too overwhelming. In my opinion, good grammar is something that can really sell your story -- so give it a little bit of thought if you decide to revise. . . And let me know if you have any questions about anything I said here or anything else in the future *Smile*. I'm a bit picky when it comes to that stuff, but -- not everyone feels the same way about it.

*Bulletg* Your third paragraph that is broken off from the others (starting, "Allow me to explain a little. . . "), should probably be omitted from your story, in my opinion, or at least rephrased. In the way you have it now, it draws your readers out of the moment and out of the fantasy land you've already brought them into. Try to play with the idea of "Show, don't tell" here. Find ways to allow the story to reveal this information if at all possible, instead of having you, as the author, interrupt the narrator to say this. If the information you give in this paragraph is dire to your plot, then consider finding another way to introduce it, without having to break away from the story.

*Bulletg* My personal preference would be to give this story more breaks in paragraphs. Some of them to seem to run-on a bit -- but that isn't to say that you should omit any of the sentences. If you create more spacing and paragraphs here, I think it would make your story more readable.

*Bulletg* Keep writing! This is my last suggestion for you. You leave your readers hanging with the threat of looming battle. I'd like to hear what happens next *Smile*.

*Peace* Prompt Perception and Interpretation:

 You definitely have the first steps of a battle here -- but I feel like you're only setting up for the real thing. I think you might be more successful in future rounds of the contest if your readers get to see the most heavily dynamic part of the action, not just the set up to it *Smile*.

*Peace* Final thoughts

 This was a great entry, Emery. I really enjoyed reading this. Sorry if my review seems to be a little heavily weighted on grammatical criticism *Blush*. I can't wait to see what else you come up with. It's been a pleasure getting to know you here on WDC and I can't wait to see where you go with your writing! I feel as though you have a strong potential to be an amazing fantasy writer, as long as you continue to write and continue to learn from the constructive criticism of your writing peers *Smile*

Keep up the good work! Hope to see you again next month! *Bigsmile*
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Review of Sarge  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey there, JohnBClare !

*Star* This is a review of your item, "Sarge"  on behalf of "Invalid Item"  as well as being a student of the "Invalid Item" . *Star*

Thank you so much for your participation! My fantastic judges and I don't claim to be experts on these genres, however, we put a lot of consideration into what we are looking for from our participants and came up with the system for judging your entries that we deemed the most effective *Bigsmile*.

If you have any comments or questions about the contest, our reviews, or anything else pertaining to this activity -- please feel free to ask!


*Peace* First Impressions:
I enjoyed this piece quite a bit! I thought you did a great job building a tough military leader and then bringing him to a moment of emotional vulnerability. The fantasy world you created was wonderful. I found the Shara to be quite endearing *Bigsmile*. I did feel as though you could have expanded on the emotional aspect of the piece a bit more though. I'll expand on that shortly *Smile*.

*Peace* Fantasy at its Finest:

 *Bulletg* I thought you did a great job with dialogue in this piece! I especially loved the scene where Sgt. Fortas is speaking to the Shara, although it is clear they cannot understand each other. “My leg’s over there somewhere.” he said. “Your glass towers made some great shrapnel.” I felt this line captured the essence of your character perfectly, almost humorous in the driest sense of the word. I do have to admit, the "vegetarian" cursing made me chuckle. . . However, I understand that came as a result from the 13+ rating. Thank you for keeping the rules in mind *Laugh*.

*Bulletg* Crutch, crutch, step. I thought this was a wonderful means of showing the action that was taking place. It reminds us of Sgt. Fortas' missing limb and paints a picture to your readers of him limping away from the current scene.

*Bulletg* There are some lovely, well-worded lines throughout this. I'll just point out a couple of my favorites:

The only reason he was sitting waiting in the hospital camp for his turn to get a replacement limb was that having just one leg reduced his combat effectiveness. I thought this brilliantly gave your readers insight into Sgt. Fortas' personality. He clearly has places he'd rather be, and he is most definitely not whining about his condition.

The sound of his retching gave way to the sound of his sobs. This line is beautifully worded and is teeming with a writer's touch. I love it!

*Peace* Suggestions:

*Bulletg* I felt that the pacing of this could be meddled with a bit in order to fully appreciate the emotional turmoil that Sgt Fortas faces. He goes from being a stone-hearted killer to an emotional mess (understandably), but I thought you left too much of the transition up to the reader's imagination. Bring us through this emotional struggle that he faces. Right now it feels a bit rash and out-of-character, consider expanding on this and focusing a bit more on the emotional pull of the situation.

*Bulletg* Sgt Fortas was a killer. I feel that this line may be a little too blunt. You showed us this through his words and actions. Perhaps you could say something more along the lines of, "Sgt Fortas had been designed to kill" or something of the sort. *Smile*.

*Bulletg* Sgt Forta’s gaze swivelled to a beefy soldier like heavy artillery being brought to bear on a target. I loved the metaphor you used here, however -- I stumbled over this as I thought the heavy artillery was in reference to the beefy soldier at first. Consider rewording it to something like, “Sgt fortas gaze shifted to the beefy soldier, the manner of his movements resembling heavy artillery being brought to bear on a target." This may not be the best example, but do you see how it changes the focus from the beefy soldier to Sgt Fortas?

*Bulletg* plenty scary Plenty sounds a bit childish in the midst of such a well-written story. Perhaps you could substitute another word here.

*Bulletg* The place had been beautiful when they first advanced.  Broad boulevards, soaring, graceful glass towers glittering in the sunshine, ornate carvings everywhere, the majestic if squat building in the centre of the city.  There are some grammatical errors here. Either connect the two sentences in order for them to be correct (although this would create the feeling of a run-on), or reword the second line: Broad boulevards soared. Graceful glass towers glittered in the sunshine . . etc.

*Bulletg* anti-neutrino generator In science-fiction, there are times when you have to assume that the reader has no prior knowledge of the genre. Consider helping them out a bit by giving some explanation of new terms such as these.

*Bulletg* There are a couple places that seemed to flow a bit awkwardly as I read:

He was a professional, not an animal. While this is fine on its own, I felt that it didn't flow smoothly in the context. Consider, "Besides, he was a professional, not an animal."

He followed them for something to do. Try, "He followed them out of curiosity."

The pair Sgt Forta was following joined a crowd of Shara in front. . . Consider rewording this. Also, there are a few moments where you write, "Sgt Fortas" and some where you write, "Sgt Forta." I'm not sure which is correct.

*Peace* Prompt Perception and Interpretation:

 Clever interpretation of the prompt. You created a rough military character and broke him down in a moment of vulnerability -- while never detracting from his strength. Seeing his emotional outburst at the destroyed nursery didn't make him weak, only more human and therefore, more relatable to your readers. Great job!

*Peace* Final thoughts

 I thoroughly enjoyed reading this -- just consider rewording a few things and expanding a bit on the emotional journey that Sgt Fortas is brought through. I would love to revisit this if you decide that any of my suggestions were useful to you!

Keep up the good work! Hope to see you again next month! *Bigsmile*

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Review of After the mirror  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey there, Merlot Montana !

*Star* This is a review of your item, "After the mirror"  on behalf of "Invalid Item"  as well as being a student of the "Invalid Item" 

Thank you so much for your participation! My fantastic judges and I don't claim to be experts on these genres, however, we put a lot of consideration into what we are looking for from our participants and came up with the system for judging your entries that we deemed the most effective *Bigsmile*.

If you have any comments or questions about the contest, our reviews, or anything else pertaining to this activity -- please feel free to ask!


*Peace* First Impressions:
I was immediately impressed by your grasp of science-fiction. You confidently use terminology that draws us quickly into the sci-fi setting of your world, which is something that I, for one, find extremely difficult to do *Laugh*. I felt you captured the essence of the prompt from a wonderfully creative angle. Great job! There are a few places that I felt could use a bit of expansion, but overall - a thoroughly enjoyable read!

*Peace* Fantasy at its Finest:

 *Bulletg* I thought you did a wonderful job incorporating an original fantasy setting into your story. Not only did you introduce us to the physical attributes of your creation, but you delved deeper by exposing pieces of your characters' history and their politics. Words such as octosentients and bathysphere show to your readers that you have a firm grasp of the world in which your story takes place.

*Bulletg* There are a couple of places where I specifically enjoyed the wording you chose to use. One of these is She had closed that door when she limped away from her former life. Another is She could almost smell the gunpowder and testosterone. Your word choices in moments like these truly invite your readers into the world that you've created.

Ah, here is another: It amused Anna that the octosentients had achieved world peace in ten brief years. The activists had to move quickly to find new causes. I must admit I chuckled a bit at this line *Bigsmile*.

*Peace* Suggestions:
*Bulletg* My first suggestions is this: expand, expand, expand! You've got a good plot here, backed by a well thought out fantasy world -- but I feel as though you could do these things more justice by better executing the scenes you've already created. For example, Damian was different, subtly wrongfooting her, and making eye contact while he answered. You could expand this into a brilliant and witty dialogue between Anna and Damian. Show (don't tell) how their interaction went. . . Tease us a bit with the direction the story is headed.

I would also suggest going through your story with the pace of your writing in mind. There are some ideas here that could use a bit more development -- as some of the transitions are a bit awkward.

*Bulletg* I would also like to hear a bit more about Anna's accident. You talk about the accident that happened briefly, but at the end you say, She flinched, remembering the night they had burned her. I found this a bit confusing -- perhaps you can expand on this a bit. I'm definitely intrigued *Bigsmile*

*Bulletg* She held out her card for the bill and the captain reached past her, his thick arms inches from her face. She flinched, remembering the night they had burned her, and she pushed him under the water and held him there, years of yoga culminating in this adrenaline rush. This line shocked me a bit -- and not so much in a positive way. It seemed out of character for Anna, as she seems to be a bit reserved as a result of her accident -- but this is a bold and brash reaction. I could personally use a bit of explanation for this intuitive response -- or maybe a bit more lead in to it.

*Bulletg* Damian was different, subtly wrongfooting her, and making eye contact while he answered. You don't need a comma after "her" in this situation, so this would become one thought: . . . subtly wrongfooting her and making eye contact while he answered. This also happens here: So she ignored his undertones, and hit his curve balls straight. I believe there are a few more places with this little comma glitch -- I would read through and keep an eye out for those.

*Bulletg* Anna was used to staring, the accident that had chewed her up had caused a lot of second glances. In this situation, the comma separates two complete sentences, which is not what a comma is supposed to do. This can be remedied by either changing the comma to a semi-colon or completely separating the sentences altogether.

*Bulletg* But this was different, she remembered flirting, she had quite enjoyed it, but she had closed that door when she limped away from her former life. Consider rewording this line, as this sentence has become a run-on.

*Peace* Prompt Perception and Interpretation:

A wonderfully original take on the prompt. You introduced Anna as a strong character and then brought her to a unique moment of vulnerability. She was hardened by the incident and the scars it left behind, yet this story shows that someone was able to penetrate the thick walls she had built up. I hope that she learns to feel attractive once again *Wink*.

*Peace* Final thoughts

 While I may have had a few suggestions, I thought you did a wonderful job with this -- and it has a lot of potential to blossom into a great piece of writing. I think you should definitely give it a look over and make some corrections if you deem them helpful *Smile*. You have an impressive fantasy world built here and an endearing species to inhabit it. I would love to hear more!

Keep up the good work! Hope to see you again next month! *Bigsmile*

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Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey, 30DBC Creator/Founder

I'm filling out this review in an attempt to join up with your 30-Day Blogging Challenge in May *Smile*

*Peace* My initial reaction to your contest:
- I am was so terribly excited to find a contest about blogging. I've actually been interested for a while, but it was only a few days ago that my account was upgraded.

*Peace* What I enjoyed the most:
- The layout of your contest is great and Information is easily accessible. The idea is marvelous, the past prompts seem intriguing, and the prizes are well worth the effort.

*Peace* Suggestions for improvement:
- My only comment that I have that is in the slightest bit negative, is that your contest is, in my opinion, starting to get a bit cluttered. It's understandable as you have a lot of information to tell on the main page though -- just thought I would offer my comments *Smile*

*Peace* How many stars I gave and why:
- I gave your contest five stars. Its refreshing to see an original idea. I'm so excited to work with you.

Thank you so much and I hope you feel better soon! *Smile*.

-Yera

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8
8
Review of Pieces of her...  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This was written really well! I absolutely LOVED the beginning, especially this part, "I see her reflected in the large eye of an Arabian horse now and then, and I sometimes feel her presence in a passing breeze that smells like rain and grass." It's a wonderful line.

After that though, I kind of got lost in the religious aspect of it. This started out so well written, but.. then it kind of got a little confusing. I feel like this would be much better - from a writing perspective - if you stayed with the original descriptions, etc. That's just my opinion though :).

Just take a look at the later paragraphs, and consider making them a little bit more smooth and readable. Other than that.... keep up the good work!

Thanks for sharing and welcome to WDC!

Yera

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
9
9
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey! I love the theme of this. Thanks for sharing your faith on WDC. :)

I don't think its necessary to put "(Jesus)" in that first line necessarily. It seems a little awkward visually.

Also, before you say "Me" both times... I think it would make sense to put a dash or a ":" (whatever that's called haha!).

Anyway, great job! Other than those quick suggestions, I quite enjoyed reading this. I'm glad that you've let Jesus change your life and are willing to share that with others! Keep up the great writing job and welcome to WDC!

Yera

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
10
10
Review of Good Night  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Ahhhh this is so cute :). I enjoyed reading this a lot.

This flows quite smoothly and the rhyming is natural -- two things I greatly appreciate. So -- good job with that!

There are some places where the wording could be improved a bit, in my opinion. The first of these places is "One hand in hand." I don't think this sounds quite right -- Consider changing to,"Your hand in mine" (or "My hand in yours") or something of the sort. It just sounds a little awkward as it is - to me, anyway :).

Another thing I'd like to point out is that -- since you are using punctuation in this -- there are some places missing punctuation.

Between "I call out a wish - to end this night good night..." I don't think there should be a period here, maybe one of these : or one of these -.
Also, "and hearts beat fast, our lips will touch..." This should be a comma here, technically :).
"Our lips move together. This feeling's so right." There should be two separate sentences here.

Other than those couple of suggestions -- Good job! I look forward to reading more! Welcome to WDC! :)

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
11
11
Review of The ocean  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hm... I feel like this piece has a LOT of potential! I really enjoyed the descriptions you did include. However, i felt as though this was lacking a bit of substance.

You title this the ocean, which is pretty fitting -- but when I read the description of describing the ocean -- I feel like the was more like describing a day at the beach or something. Not a big fix, but I just feel like the two are not quite consistent :).

I love this line, "The black rocks (consider changing to "on the shore") shine in the sunlight like shimmering bits of glass." I love the description there :).

Consider adding MORE to this. More beautiful imagery. More substance to fill in your descriptions of day and your descriptions of nightfall.

This is the great start to a piece. I look forward to reading more from you.

And welcome to WDC! :)

Yera

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
12
12
Review of Windy Day  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I really liked reading this! Normally shorter poems are harder to write -- for me anyway -- but I thought you did a really good job with this. It's very sweet =].

I love the way you ended with the line, "this is where we fall in love again." Very nice :).

The only questionable line that I found was where you say, "Drops of mist the kiss of the river." I know you don't use any punctuation in your piece, but I almost feel like this line needs it or else it sounds awkward. Or... it did in my head anyway haha. I would consider either throwing in some punctuation there or rewording it -- although, I like the wording you use.

Anyway, great job! Keep up the good work. Can't wait to hear more from you!

Yera

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
13
13
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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Hey! I thought this was pretty well written! I like the questions you bring up. It's so true that our lives -- which seem so important and meaningful-- suddenly become a lot less significant when you look at the big scheme of things. I guess this piece of prose is a good reminder to live life to the fullest and make an impact on people where you are today.

I thought your concept of writing all in questions was interesting. At first I was going to comment on it and suggest adding some other types of sentences in there, but then -- seeing you draw it to a close, addressing the question-form, tied it all together. I still think that maybe you could write this more effectively in another form -- same concept, just... not completely out of questions, although.. That's just a suggestion :).

There are a couple places where there are some wording issues -- although there are not many.
- "Would the world stop spinning or would they all move on?" I think if you said, "Would everyone just move on?" it might fit a little better. When I read that sentence, it sounds like you are referring to the world as "they" which... doesn't really make sense. I do understand what you are saying here, but... Consider rewording it as it would make it less awkward I think.
-Sometimes there are places in this where your writing starts to sound redundant. The question seem to just be restating the same thing to the point where it begins to lose its effectiveness.
-Also, "Why, of all the things I could have said in my good-bye, I made no effort at all to do just that?" This sentence is a little awkward, especially for the closing sentence. Try to strengthen this line a bit. I like what you are saying, but a strong last line can really make a good piece into a great one.

Anyway, great job! If you do choose to revise this, I would love to read it again, but... if not -- good job! Keep up the good writing. I cant' wait to read more from you. Thanks for the reminder to live a life that will make a difference to other people :).

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
14
14
Review of Laugh and Smile  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey! I'm sorry you're feeling this way -- but I completely understand. I went through a time when I felt exactly like you do here. I think I have some poetry hidden away somewhere that sounds quite similar to this one actually :D.

I thought you did a really good job portraying your emotion through poetry. It flows so well and the rhyming is really subtle :). It seems as though you have natural talent for writing which I greatly admire/appreciate.

I don't really have anything constructively critical to say about this, so I feel like I should explain why I didn't give this five stars. This is written very well, but I have a very hard time giving this a higher rating than a four. While this is written wonderfully, it is simplistic -- which is not at all a bad thing :). My personal preference for poetry though, is more based on image and abstract ideas and this is very concrete and straightforward. In the future, I think it would be really cool if you experimented with more abstract ideas and more of a word painting sort of poetry =].

But this is just my suggestion :D haha. Great job with the style this is in. You are definitely talented writer.

Keep up the good work. Can't wait to read more from you.

Yera

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
15
15
Review of Summertime  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hm... This was an interesting poem! -- In a good way haha. The rhythm was a little inconsistent, but it worked well; the rhyming was kinda quirky at times, but I liked it.

My first thoughts as I began to read it, were that your use of rhyming things like coast/toast and sunsets/magnets was a little cheesy. I had mixed feeling about that at first, but I read through your poem, I really began to enjoy the style in which you wrote this! Good job =].

The only line that I suggest you look over and consider rewording is the last part, "There isn't a time that's as fine/As summertime." The second to last line is a little bit awkward. Try something like, "There's never a time that's been as fine." Sorry, that isn't a GREAT suggestion haha, but I feel that it flows a little better. Just look it over and see what you think :).

Thanks so much for sharing. You did a great job with this poem. Can't wait to read more of your stuff!! Welcome to WDC.

Yera

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
16
16
Review of Butterflies  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey! What a great poem you've got here. Definitely made me smile this morning!

I love the lines, "These damn butterflies make me feel/Like I'm back in middle school with a crush/It makes the kid in me giggle." Also, I loved the ending of this. Good job.

I do have a couple of grammatical suggestions for you, however :)

- "Everytyme." - Everytime.
- These damn butterflies make - If the noun is plural, then you don't need the 's' after make.
- I'm pretty sure that "afterwards" is one word, not two.

Great job with this! Its a cute little poem that awakens the kid in me again :). Thanks for sharing!

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
17
17
Review of Tesco: A Prayer  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hey! I love this poem! Great job -- Where are you at that you have Tescos? I'm currently living in Thailand and this is the first place I've seen them. (We don't have them in the States -- as far as I know haha).

Anyway -- onto the review :)

I thought your writing was excellent -- such a simple topic that you created into a nice little piece of poetry. The rhythm was smooth and just about everything flowed nicely. The rhyming didn't seem forced at all -- very refreshing!

There are a couple places where the rhythm seemed a little off though, and I'd like to point those out to you and offer some suggestions!

- I know I'm not a bad person. This line seemed to have a few too many syllables for the verse it is in. Something such as, "I'm not an awful person," (although it isn't the best choice of words) seems to fit more within the flow of your piece.

- They barge me with baskets and trollies. Again, it seems like there are too many syllables. Try something like, "They barge at me with trollies."

-Of the "reduced to Clear!' rubbish bins. How bout, "Of the "Reduced to Clearance" bins.

Those are just some suggestions that I have -- I hope it doesn't come across as if I were trying to reword your poem. I thought you did an excellent job with word choice -- there are just some places where I felt the rhythm faltered when I read it aloud.

I absolutely loved your reference to Dante at the end, and I loved your descriptions of the Tesco shoppers :). Spot on. Keep up the good work. I can't wait to hear more!

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
18
18
Review of Emotionally Ill  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Woah. That's some heavy stuff. I'm glad that writing is a way you can vent your frustrations -- especially since you are a good writer with a talent for putting darker emotions into words.

I only have a couple of questions about some words you've used. I know the point of this poem isn't to focus on achieving grammatical perfection -- but keep reading if you'd like :).

- In the first verse, you say, "Wanted something to feel the emptiness." Did you mean to say "fill" here? It works either way -- especially since the pain seems like a way to feel again. Just.. in the line it seems like "fill" makes more sense.
- I feel as though the use of 3 question marks in the second verse might be a little much. I kind of like the way you did it cuz it gives a different feel to the questions, but consider just having one at the end of the verse.

These suggestions are completely just opinion, obviously. This is a great poem as it is. Just some ideas :)

Oh, and I loved the second-to-last verse. I think that had to be my favorite. And at first, I questioned your use of the word "sick-ing" but I think that grew on me eventually. I like it :). Way to go. Can't wait to hear more from you.

Yera



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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
19
19
Review of My own Angel  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hey! Welcome to WDC :)

This is a pretty good poem you've got here! I love the way you bring it to a close with the question, "My own Angel is gone, or maybe not?" And I absolutely LOVE the lines, "I'm not scared if he is beside/But I am scared waking up from this pleasant memory."

I do have a couple of suggestions for you here, however:
- In those lines I just quoted from your poem, consider changing one of the times you use "Scared." It sounds a little redundant to hear the word used twice in a row like that -- but as I said, they are still my favorite lines of this as they are very well written so -- that's purely my own thoughts :).
- "My heart just say" -- I'm pretty sure this should be, "My heart just says."
- The line "The touch of an empty spot" seems a little strange to me. I get what you are saying, but I feel like there might be better ways of saying this :).
- Last one, I promise! "I sigh real slowly." The use of the word "real" here isn't exactly grammatically sound. Consider rewording that just for the sake of professionalism. It sounds a little silly in such a well-written poem.

Thank you so much for sharing! I enjoyed this a lot :). Keep up the good work!

Yera



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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
20
20
Review of Vent  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I really liked the flow of this piece. There is some beautiful imagery here and I felt as though I could perfectly imagine this pit that you are sinking into. I could feel and almost understand the emptiness and the loneliness that the you describe in this piece.

I know that this is more written for the emotion and not so much for grammatical perfection -- but there are a few suggestions that I would like to make that I feel could turn this beautifully worded vent into an effective piece of prose.

I really like the way you word your writing and the way you create pauses in this story (That wasn't worded very well in itself, but... here is an example of what I am talking about, "People, light, people are on the top, shining the light at me.") One suggestion I have for this sort of thing is to create the pauses and rhythm with the shape of your writing, as well as the words and punctuation. For instance:

People. . . Light. . .

People are on the top, shining the light at me. I clamber. . . etc, etc.

The paragraph form in which this is currently written causes me to read through as one condensed thought -- if that makes sense. If you break it up, I think it will help the flow of how this is written.

Like I said before though, I assume the point of this wasn't to be grammatically correct or even necessarily to impress people, but... I feel that you've got a very good thing going here. If you feel like making revisions, these are just some suggestions I have :).

Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts with us and I'm sorry for the solitude you feel. If you ever need to vent to a person -- I'd be happy to listen.

Yera


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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

21
21
Review of My Fairytale  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hey! Welcome to WDC! :)

I really like the theme of this poem and, although I am a huge fan of fairy tales myself, I agree whole-heartedly that they teach people to have a skewed view of reality sometimes. But.. I guess that is what we enjoy about them, isn't it? :)

I have a few suggestions for this that I feel might make your good ideas even more effective. I don't claim to know much about poetry myself, but hopefully something I say will be helpful in some way :).

First, I will touch on a couple grammatical glitches that I noticed:
- "All the pretty princesses get" - No need for the 's' after "get." Or... You could say, "Every pretty princess gets." Either way.
- This is not actually a grammar suggestion, but I'm putting it here anyway, "All fairytales don't have a happy ending." Consider rewording it to "Not all fairytales have a happy ending." Although, that's just a suggestion. The way you have it is fine :).
- This is on the same note as my first suggestion: "A mermaid disappears in bubbles," or "Mermaids disappear in bubbles."

I also want to comment on the final line of the poem, "For the love a person will never know." I was a little confused by this line to be honest. I don't think it fits as well as it could with the rest of that verse. I'd consider revising it... It's always great to end with a strong finishing line :).

But yeah! Great job so far. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more. Hope you thoroughly enjoy your time on WDC :).

Yera


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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
22
22
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hey! I thought this was a great start to a poem. I love the theme you've got going on here and your rhymes are pretty natural throughout the poem.

My biggest suggestion for this piece of poetry, however, is to look over the structure of your sentences within the verses. I realize that in poetry, lines have to be worded appropriately for rhythm and rhyme, but. . . I feel that I start to lose the meaning in some of your lines because they are a little awkward to read. This doesn't happen a lot, but it might be beneficial to do a slow read-through in order to see what you think. I'm definitely not an expert in poetry so don't necessarily listen to me, but check it out just in case :).

There were also a couple of lines that are worded strangely -- "The slightest slight wound deep, exposing and revealing." This threw me off a little bit. Consider rewording it a bit to make it a little more smooth and readable.

Other than those minor suggestions, good job! Keep up the good work. I can't wait to read more from you.

Have a wonderful day :)

Yera

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


23
23
Review of New Love  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Michael! Welcome to WDC.

I thought this was written really beautifully. I love your word choices and the way this piece of prose flows a lot like poetry. Thank you so much for sharing this :).

I do have one question about a very minor detail, however. Why did you choose to use a semi-colon on the third line? I can never remember the uses of a semi-colon, but whenever I see one used in writing it makes me wonder why the author chose to use one. I'm not really sure its necessary, but -- it's such a minor detail that I sound ridiculous for pointing it out :).

I feel that there are some times when it seems a little fuzzy which girl you are talking about. I don't think any changes to this well-written piece are necessary, however, it might be good to read over this with that in mind -- just to see if you agree with me at all or understand what I mean by that comment.

I absolutely love the lines, "I looked in those eyes and went to hold her, but hugged only the dark. Circled by the crows, I thought to give up, yet I did not." I loved the imagery this created :). And I loved the ending. Not only is it written well, but its also visually pleasing the way it tapers down to nothing. Very conclusive - just like your thoughts.

Thanks for sharing! Hope I said something useful to you :). Keep up the good work!

Yera



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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
24
24
Review of Guy-Lines  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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I absolutely loved reading this! Thank you so much for sharing.

Your rhythm is perfectly fluent and your rhymes are natural and not at all forced. I love the way you tie in these different ideas of guy-lines and webs and the like. It's very brilliantly thought out and also very well written. You seem to have a natural talent for writing/poetry.

Way to go! Sorry I don't have more constructive criticism for this piece. I loved it!

Keep up the good work. I can't wait to read more from you.

Yera



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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
25
25
Review of The Chase  
Review by Yera ~Twelve!~
Rated: E | (4.5)
I absolutely loved this! Great job!I love the lessons we can learn from God's creatures -- especially dogs. This hit very close to home as I recently lost a beloved pet.

I loved your descriptions of Chase and how he became a part of the family -- and I also loved reading about things that you learned from man's best friend.

I do have a couple of grammar suggestions to make, or just some ideas to make your story a little more readable :) Hope you don't mind that sort of thing.

The first line, I felt, could be made a little stronger. The ending feels like you're leaving out some details, as you say "understand the pain." Consider looking it over and adding what pain your readers will understand to the end of that line. There were a couple more lines where I questioned your wording also: "He was living with a family in a house in town." This line feels like there might be one too many clauses, which makes it feel redundant. Also, "Everything in life has reason." As cliched as it sounds, "Everything in life happens for a reason," in my opinion, sounds a little better :).

Also, there are a couple comma problems that I will quickly point out -- not a big deal, but.. here they are:

-along with our son(comma)
after an hour's drive (no comma) and a quick stop for lunch(comma)
the breed is known(comma) not only for... <-- I think.
entertained by his antics as(comma) in a blur of light brown fur(comma) ..

Other than those little things, this is very well written and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. It's always nice to hear from a fellow canine lover :).

Hope you have an excellent day and that I said something useful to you in some way :).

Yera

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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